1. lameri
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    lameri Senior Member

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    Is the last sentence well written? Suggestions for improvement?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by lameri, Oct 10, 2011.

    Thank you!
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    I know I shouldn’t be telling you all this because she’s your grandma and you love her, but I don’t want to create a false reality for you—not because people love each other, that makes them get along in all circumstances.
     
  2. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    I don't understand any of the bit tacked on after the dash, I must say.
     
  3. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    I assume that the second part is supposed to say something like "Just because people love each other, that doesn't mean that they'll always get along." But it's not really saying that.

    ChickenFreak
     
  4. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    makes no sense as worded... the part after the em dash has no relevance to the part before it... that second part makes no sense by itself, either...
     
  5. lameri
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    lameri Senior Member

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    That's right, it's like saying "...--not because you love someone, you get along with her in all circumstances."

    But I don't want to use "you" or "her," I want to make it general without changing the meaning a bit.
     
  6. Tesoro
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    Tesoro Contributing Member Contributor

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    then i think you could rephrase it like chickenfreak suggested. But if i'm not wrong, "you" also has a general meaning to it, right? as if talking by people in general. (im not sure because english is not my first language)

    ---------- Post added at 10:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:41 PM ----------

    Gaaah, why can't I edit my posts anymore??? I was supposed to say "talking ABOUT people" not "by"...
     
  7. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    why is there no 'edit' option for our posts now?... another aspect of the 'improved' site's gremlins, or what?

    ---------- Post added at 06:18 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:16 AM ----------

    ok, so it seems there may be a time limit for editing now, though there wasn't one before the 'improvements'...

    can we please get back the ability to edit our goofs indefinitely, since i can't be the only one who only comes here once a day?...

    ---------- Post added at 06:19 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:18 AM ----------

    would also be nice if we could have the text options [bold/underline/color/et al.] back...
     
  8. TheWritingWriter
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    TheWritingWriter Senior Member

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    I know I shouldn’t be telling you all this because she’s your grandma and you love her, but I don’t want to create a false reality for you—not because people love each other, that makes them get along in all circumstances.

    It's wordy and choppy. Here's what I would do:

    I know I shouldn't be telling you all of this, because she's your grandma and you love her. I don't want to create a false reality for you, not because people love each other, because that makes them get along in all circumstances.

    Not to mention, the sentence doesn't even really make sense. My advice? Just re-write the whole sentence. What does I don't want to create a false reality for you, not because people love each other, because that makes them get along in all circumstances mean? Elaborate or you'll confuse the reader.
     
  9. Raki
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    Raki Contributing Member

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    Just a few questions: Who is "them"? What is "that"? And what does people loving each other or getting along have to do with a false reality?

    The sentence almost sounds repetitive to me. "I know I shouldn't be telling you all this because ... I don't want to create a false reality for you ... because ... " Is "I don't want to create a false reality for you" supposed to mean the same thing as "I should be telling you all this"? The way the sentence is worded, it really makes it seem like it, as if the "not because people love each other..." part is an extension to "because she's your grandma and you love her". The "false reality" seems to stand out among these things.

    Let's try:

    I know I shouldn't be telling you all this because she's your grandma and you love her. But when people love each other, they will get along, and I don't want to create a false reality for you.

    Not perfect, but better imo. Can still be improved.
     

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