1. MatrixGravity
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    MatrixGravity Senior Member

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    Is there a PROFOUND way to phrase this sentence?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by MatrixGravity, May 19, 2011.

    Can somebody here help me rephrase this, and make it sound more profound/advanced?

    "She appears to have a very serious personality and doesn't seem to laugh a lot.
     
  2. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    She is humorless.

    Or less absolute:

    She seems humorless.

    Keep it simple.
     
  3. NikkiNoodle
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    NikkiNoodle Active Member

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    You could say;

    She has a grave countenance or is grave in appearance or that her aspect is grave or there is a gravity about her that chases out laughter...but if these aren't the kind of words you would normally use, then you might want to avoid them. Deffinately try to keep your voice.

    Solomn and somber are a couple of words that would also work to describe that kind of personality.
     
  4. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'm not sure about profound, but if I were to edit the sentence, I'd have the following thoughts.

    - OK, so the first version is:

    "She appears to have a very serious personality and doesn't seem to laugh a lot."

    - Unless it's important for some reason to have some uncertainty in the conclusion, I'd remove "seems to" - I think that it distracts from the main point. So:

    "She has a very serious personality, and doesn't laugh a lot."

    - Then I'd consider that "personality" is redundant:

    "She's very serious, and doesn't laugh a lot."

    - Then, "very" is usually an unnecessary word:

    "She's serious, and doesn't laugh a lot."

    - Then, I'm not sure about 'a lot'. It might be characteristic of the character that's speaking, but I might also consdier:

    "She's serious, and doesn't laugh often."
    or
    "She's serious, and doesn't laugh much."

    or, if you want more formality:

    "She's serious, and seldom laughs."
    or
    "She's serious, and rarely laughs."

    - Or, if a character's saying it, some possibilities:

    Jane shook her head. "Emily's so _earnest_, you know? I can't tell a joke around her; she sucks the life right out of it."

    John shrugged. "Emily? Serious. No fun."

    Joe grinned. "Emily? No, I'm not inviting her. She wouldn't recognize a joke if it walked up and bit her."

    OK, now my brain is empty and I stop.

    ChickenFreak
     
  5. MatrixGravity
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    MatrixGravity Senior Member

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    What about.. "She appears to have a very mellow and somber personality, and tends to refrain from laughing when she talks."

    Ugh, God I don't know ): lol.
     
  6. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    You're trying to insert big words in your writing, just for the sake of them being big words. That doesn't help. Please, please believe what so many people have told you: There is nothing inherently better about big words. Your first suggestion, in your first post, was much better than this one.

    There is _absolutely nothing_ better about bigger, less-known words. Plain, clean, simple writing is good writing.

    ChickenFreak
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. Trish
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    Trish I've been deleted.. again Contributor

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    Seconded (Or actually at this point it's like 112th or something, but for this exact post, second!)
     
  8. MatrixGravity
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    MatrixGravity Senior Member

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    But I just wish to write beautifully..
     
  9. RobT
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    RobT Active Member

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    "She's very dour and rarely laughs."

    "She's very straight-laced, and hardly laughs at all."
     
  10. Mister Cheech
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    Mister Cheech Member

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    I don't like her. Too serious. No humor. I hear people talking about her, you know what I say? I say, I don't like her. Too serious. No humor.
     
  11. Laura Mae.
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    Laura Mae. Member

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    Sorry to hijack this thread momentarily, but I personally think the above is some of the best advice I have seen on this site, this page is bookmarked for future reference! :)
     
  12. Sundae
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    Sundae Contributing Member

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    Her personality is as colorful as a beige stone.

    Well if I had to guess, I'd say that her hair bun is wound a little too tightly today.

    Serious and apathetic; her personality is a total bore.

    She's as interesting as talking about weather on a cold and dreary day.
     
  13. aimi_aiko
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    aimi_aiko Contributing Member

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    ^This

    I agree the sentence suggestion that I bolded, but the underlined advice is very important.
     
  14. The-Joker
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    The-Joker Contributing Member Contributor

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    Yeah, I'll give another accolade to ChickenFreaks excellent post, explaining how to break down a statement to its core elements, then expressing those elements with literary flair.

    And Matrix, that's what you should be aiming for, not profundity, but 'voice'. The other posters have offered plenty of examples here.
     
  15. JimFlagg
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    JimFlagg Contributing Member

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    "Her lack of laughter personified a serious demeanor."

    Talk about her character trait first and how it reflects her personality.
     
  16. StrangerWithNoName
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    StrangerWithNoName Longobard duke

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    A lot of people thought she had a personality issue becuase they had never seen laughing.
     
  17. JimFlagg
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    JimFlagg Contributing Member

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    Well the sentence is out of context. There could be a situation where humor is uncalled for. I would not make any presumptions on one sentence.
     
  18. The-Joker
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    The-Joker Contributing Member Contributor

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    I don't see how this could be used in the context of a novel. It sounds like it belongs in the character analysis section of a book commentary. I fear this is falling into the same trap as Matrix's suggestion. An overtly complicated way of saying something simple--and with a distinctly flat voice.
     
  19. JimFlagg
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    JimFlagg Contributing Member

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    True; I was just trying to answer the question of how to write this in a profound way. I am not sure how to make it profound. Like I said above, to make it truly profound you have to put it in some kind of context.
     
  20. popsicledeath
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    popsicledeath Banned

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    Show, don't tell.
     
  21. JimFlagg
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    JimFlagg Contributing Member

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    Ok I will show you what I mean:

    When Jane goes on a date she always gives the suitor the chills. She appears to have a very serious personality and doesn't seem to laugh a lot.

    Not very profound.

    Jane tells us stories about drowning puppies. She appears to have a very serious personality and doesn't seem to laugh a lot.

    Now it is profound.

    See what I mean about context? These are short examples. It all depends on what is going on as to how the reader will react to the sentence.
     
  22. James Scarborough
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    James Scarborough Member

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    Serious by nature, she seldom laughs or ....(give other examples of serious behavior - be specific)
     
  23. Vintage
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    Vintage Member

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    Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
     
  24. popsicledeath
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    popsicledeath Banned

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    Sorry, let me rephrase.

    Show, don't tell.
     
  25. popsicledeath
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    popsicledeath Banned

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    While we're all giving examples:

    That's how I would do it. I mean, just having a character who seems very serious and who doesn't laugh a lot, so the reader can discern these facts in context, is clearly not enough; not profound enough. Time to turn up the profound dial all the way to 11 *does Bill and Ted guitar lick thing*
     

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