1. mbinks89
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    mbinks89 Active Member

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    Is this clear? Warning: profanity.

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by mbinks89, Mar 25, 2013.

    Just wondering if the meaning of this sentence is clear.

    . . . a whorehouse with a flickering neon sign upon which naked ladies gyrated jerkily

    I'm trying to describe the way neon signs can flash between different actions, like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTuOSFe4tYI
     
  2. mbinks89
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    mbinks89 Active Member

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    Before it was limned, naked ladies . . ., but I thought that was too cluttered. Does it actually help?
     
  3. chicagoliz
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    chicagoliz Contributing Member Contributor

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    I don't like "gyrated jerkily." Maybe something like "the naked neon ladies gyrated as if they were on a film playing in slow motion," or something like that.
     
  4. jazzabel
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    jazzabel Contributing Member Contributor

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    It's the 'upon which' that is a mouthful for me. Can you simplify it?
    (just a late night suggestion, I apologise if it's really bad :))

    or even mix it up, for example

     
  5. minstrel
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    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Jazzabel's versions are better. The original had me thinking of real live naked ladies gyrating on top of a neon sign. What you meant is a neon sign depicting naked ladies gyrating, and jazzabel gets that.
     
  6. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Are naked tarts frolicking on a neon sign? I hope the glass tubing doesn't shatter 0 that could be messy.

    Or did you mean the neon images depict gyrating naked strumpets?
     
  7. mbinks89
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    mbinks89 Active Member

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    ^ the latter. I had a "limned" in there to indicate they were depicted, but that seemed like too much of a mouthful
     
  8. mbinks89
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    mbinks89 Active Member

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    Thanks Jazzabel and Chicagoliz, I knew there was something off about it.
     
  9. jazzabel
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    jazzabel Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'm glad it helped :)
     
  10. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    i agree that it's the 'upon which' that makes the sentence make no sense...
     
  11. Xatron
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    Xatron Contributing Member

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    Jazzabel's version was the best so far

    Naked ladies made of flickering neon gyrated jerkily on the roof of the whorehouse.
     
  12. Jhunter
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    Jhunter Mmm, bacon. Contributor

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    ...a whorehouse with a flickering neon sign, depicting gyrating naked women

    It would be helpful to know what the entire sentence is. Otherwise we just have to guess.

    The whorehouse--with a flickering neon sign, depicting gyrating naked women--left no doubts as to what services they provided.

    A whorehouse--with a flickering neon sign, depicting gyrating naked women--stood on the corner lot, looking like an abused prostitute itself.

    Bob opened the door to the rundown whorehouse, standing in the threshold, blinking. The naked, gyrating, women on the neon sign outside left their after-image in his vision, reminding him why he came.
     
  13. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    how does 'gyrating' = 'whorehouse'?... that word would be more suggestive of just dancing, not 'the other'...
     
  14. Jhunter
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    Jhunter Mmm, bacon. Contributor

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    I wouldn't personally use "gyrating" to depict a whorehouse, since gyrating better depicts a lap dance (strip club) and not intercourse (although, I guess depending on the sign, "gyrating," could work if it's suggestive enough e.g. it also has a neon bed or something). But, I was keeping with the OP's wording as much as possible, so I left "gyrating" in the description. I still think it would be easier to help him if we knew the whole sentence and context though.

    Also, "gyrating," coupled with, "naked," makes it more than just "dancing." So a sign of that nature would definitely = a strip club at the least.
     
  15. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    agreed, jh!... on all counts...
     

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