1. Jackdw1005
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    Jackdw1005 New Member

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    Is this correct?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Jackdw1005, Jan 6, 2013.

    The greatest issue for me is when to use break during dialogue. Sometime i stop a character from talking to quickly explain something, such as a characters though on the matter. He is something i wrote. can someone tell me if it's correct or now. Don't go correcting any grammar. i tend to just type what i have in my head. i will go through it later and make any changes.

    'Third floor, room three-zero-nine Recruit Reynes. There will be a uniform waiting in your bed as well as a pair of boots.' Kayden remembered the measurements the Sergeant took of him during his interview. He wasn't expecting to just be accepted on the spot. The Sergeant continued, 'In thirty minutes there will be an official inauguration of all the new recruits. It will be held in the central building. Just leave this building and turn right, it's the large building straight ahead. Go around to the other side and enter through the double door. This leads into the cafeteria, which we also use as a meeting hall. You will be given further instructions on arrival.'

    Thankyou. and again, only correct me if i should of used a new line.
     
  2. Thumpalumpacus
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    Thumpalumpacus Contributing Member

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    If the measurements, or the act of remembering them, aren't important, I'd drop the reference altogether. If they are important, I'd move the clause to the end of the DI's lines, for the sake of flow. That's my preference in style.
     
  3. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    It's better to start a new line each time. It also makes it clearer if you put in a dialogue tag, otherwise it may seem as though Kayden is the person speaking the first line:


    'Third floor, room three-zero-nine Recruit Reynes,' the sergeant said. 'There will be a uniform waiting ON your bed as well as a pair of boots.'

    Kayden remembered the measurements the sergeant took of him during his interview. He wasn't expecting to just be accepted on the spot.

    'In thirty minutes there will be an official inauguration of all the new recruits,' the sergeant continued. 'It will be held in the central building. Just leave this building and turn right, it's the large building straight ahead. Go around to the other side and enter through the double door. This leads into the cafeteria, which we also use as a meeting hall. You will be given further instructions on arrival.'

    p.s. sergeant has no capital letter.
     
  4. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    mad's suggested separation is mandatory, since that thought is a different character's, so shouldn't be in the same paragraph as the speaker's dialog...
     
  5. Jackdw1005
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    Jackdw1005 New Member

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    i've read lot of books that refer to a specific person by rank. each time it uses a capital, but only when it's being used as a name
     
  6. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    Yes, because we capitalise when using a rank to address someone directly, as in, "What is it, Sergeant?" or when it's used in combination with the surname, e.g. "Where is Sergeant Blake?". Not in the examples in the given writing.
     
  7. Jackdw1005
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    Jackdw1005 New Member

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    Have you ever read any of Mark Robson's books in the Darkweaver legacy. he capitalised every single one, and he still got published. it's probs a british thing though
     
  8. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    No, it's US usage just as much as British. Feel free to Google some American authorities. I've not heard of the book you mention and I don't know which publisher it was from, but it is not usual practice.
     

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