1. Martin P. G. Hansen
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    Martin P. G. Hansen New Member

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    Is this description paragraph clear enough?

    Discussion in 'Setting Development' started by Martin P. G. Hansen, Jul 20, 2014.

    Hi guys :)

    Please read the following:

    Jake wakes up. He blinks with his eyes, while looking up at a celling fan, with the wings painted blue on the outer part and red on the inner part - Making a blue and red pattern, spinning around a blue disk, with light shining through a white star.

    What I am hoping to do here, is to create an image in the readers head of a celling fan that makes a red and white pattern while spinning around. In the middle of the celling fan, where you normally while fine some kind of arrangments of lamps, there is a disk. The disk is blue with a white transparant star (like Captain Americas shield) where light from a lightbulb can shine trough.

    The point with the symbolism is to foreshadow one of my leads strong americanism (it is the opening image/scene).
    So my question is - does it fulfil this purpose - Can you se this imagery in the first paragraph?

    Kind regards
    Martin
     
  2. daemon
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    daemon Contributing Member Contributor

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    It makes me think of a police car siren for some reason. I would not have associated it automatically with the American flag.
     
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  3. Martin P. G. Hansen
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    Martin P. G. Hansen New Member

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    Would it be too corny if the opening image just showed an American flag?
     
  4. peachalulu
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    peachalulu Contributing Member Reviewer Contributor

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    I think it would be more accurate and clear - but if he salutes it - now, that might be corny.

    Why not work in some action to show his patriotism rather than just a symbol. He takes down a rock poster to pin up an heirloom American flag or something.
     
  5. Martin P. G. Hansen
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    Martin P. G. Hansen New Member

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    That could accutally work :)

    I just fell in love with the celling fan idea - It is for a screenplay - so it would properly work better on film - but still, the reader must be able to see it.

    I've gave the paragraph another shot - Could I get you guys to take another look at it - at tell me what you think about it now? Does it work - or should I just throw it into my mass grave with all my other darlings that I've killed over the years? :p

    Jake wakes up. He blinks with his eyes, while looking up at a celling fan, that while it spins around creates three colorful circles from the LED lights attached on the wings; a red, a white and another red circle; spinning around a blue disc, with light shining through a white star - The whole device resembling the shield of Captain America.
     
  6. peachalulu
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    peachalulu Contributing Member Reviewer Contributor

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    The image is fine but there's no mood in the wording. Also, the ceiling fan thingy's are called blades. Unless you're saying the blades are shaped like wings?
     
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  7. Martin P. G. Hansen
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    Martin P. G. Hansen New Member

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    Oh... Thanks for clearing that out for me :)

    Yeah... Deep down I can fell it too - Doesn't work.

    I figure something else out.

    Thanks a lot for the help :)
     
  8. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Foreshadowing is for events. Symbolism to indicate character traits is fine, but don't club the reader over the head with it. The presence of the colors is enough, without drawing excessive attention to details.

    As peachalulu suggested, use actions to reveal character traits. Symbolism and artifacts say more about the facade the character projects than about his or her true nature.
     
  9. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think that this phenomenon may just be to unwieldy to describe at this point. However, if you wanted to keep trying, I would suggest focusing more on the pattern and less on the exact details of how that pattern is made. My first rough cut would be:

    The painted blades of the ceiling fan made a shimmering patriotic bullseye--a red ring round a blue field, with the lightbulb a white star in the center.
     
  10. Martin P. G. Hansen
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    Martin P. G. Hansen New Member

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    Thanks for all the suggestions... It has been really helpful.

    Love this site :)
    A shame I haven't found this earlier - or more precisely, that I didn't think of google the words "writing" and "forum"
     

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