1. MatrixGravity
    Offline

    MatrixGravity Senior Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2011
    Messages:
    195
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New York

    Is this friendship worth salvaging?

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by MatrixGravity, May 31, 2012.

    So I've known my bestfriend Ken for about 8 years. Basically since my childhood. We grew up together going to school, and we'd always hang out regularly. After entering High School, we started to drift apart and started to stay in contact less and less. So now, it's 2012. I barely see Ken, he barely talks to me. He never invites me to hang out. He doesn't even make any efforts to find out how I'm doing. Overall, he doesn't seem to value our friendship at all. I feel like I have invested so much of myself into the friendship with him, and he doesn't even want to acknowledge all of my efforts. I always ask him to hang out. I always try and make plans with him. I always try to inquire about his problems and I do so much and he simply doesn't seem to care at all. I don't even know why I bother anymore.

    Earlier in 2012, I got into an argument about him. I confronted him and told him I didn't like how he was treating me, and in the process, HE got mad and decided to stop being my friend. So he basically ignored me for 3 months and never bothered to apologize or even contact me. And this is for something that was entirely his fault. I had to beg for him to take me back as a friend. Can you guys believe I had to resort to such desperate measures? I have never been able to depend on him for anything. He honestly doesn't seem to take our friendship seriously at all. Why does he possess such a mentality? Why am I the only one that values our friendship? Why am I the one getting stepped on? I am a good genuine person and yet he doesn't seem to see that.

    I don't know how to else to prove it to him. I feel physically sick to my stomach because I can't figure out how to get through to him. Is it simply a lost cause?

    I'm so mad at him, I'm so mad at myself. I shouldn't deserve this type of treatment, yet I still remain friends with him because I have nobody else. So what should I do about this guys? How should I approach this situation? Should I just end the friendship entirely? I don't see the point in trying anymore honestly.. I feel like I've done enough. I just can't make plans with him, I can't see him, so why even bother.. Thanks guys.
     
  2. MissRis
    Offline

    MissRis Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2012
    Messages:
    235
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Canada
    In short, no.

    You should never hold a friendship because you're afraid of not having anyone. Isn't your relationship now worse than being alone? I mean, you're miserable now, so how much worse can it get? Some friendships just end because people change.

    Sorry for being so blunt about it, but I think deep down you already knew this.
     
  3. MatrixGravity
    Offline

    MatrixGravity Senior Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2011
    Messages:
    195
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New York
    I think you're probably right.. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind, I cling to this failed friendship hoping that someday it will be restored to what it originally was, but perhaps it's too late for that. Maybe me and him are just too different now..
     
  4. 123456789
    Offline

    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2012
    Messages:
    6,347
    Likes Received:
    3,092
    You can be someone else's friend without them being yours in return. That's what this sounds like. If you truly value the times you've spent together as children, I can understand you having a special place for that friend, and even being willing to be there for that person should they ever need it, for old times sake. Accept his independence with the understanding that if he ever finds himself in need of a friend he has someone to turn to. That just makes you an awesome friend, regardless of what kind of person HE is.

    An action such as that is quite profound, in my opinion, sort of like the song "I will always love you" by Whitney Houston, if we want to compare to a romantic relationship.

    In the meantime, move on and find other friends.

    Also, would you mind my giving some additional advice, based on virtually every thread you've started here?

    GET OUT OF NEW YORK. I've lived there, and yes, it's true, the people there suck! There are much better people elsewhere. I promise.
     
  5. Mckk
    Offline

    Mckk Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2010
    Messages:
    4,749
    Likes Received:
    2,534
    I guess you need to distinguish - is it really that he's not being a good friend, or are you expecting too much from him?

    Like you say yourself, you have drifted apart. Friendship grow and change, and in your case, it sounds like it dwindled - and there's nothing really wrong with that. People grow up, people change, someone who's your best friend when you were 5 can be a total stranger at 17 and vice versa. In other words, perhaps he is still your friend, only he expects less, because the truth is, you two are not very close at all. If you expect Ken to act like he's best friends with you when he only sees you as an acquaintance, then you will always be disappointed because you're not on the same level, and it's best you adjust the way you perceive this relationship.

    Or, if he really is acting like a jerk, then back off - if he has shown no interest in you, then the friendship's probably not there anymore.

    I'm curious though - when you had a fight with Ken, and he got mad with you - what did he say? Why was he mad?
     
  6. P R Crawford
    Offline

    P R Crawford Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2012
    Messages:
    77
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Morocco
    I couldn't have said it better myself....

    I'm sure it must feel scary to lose the only friend you have. The obvious answer is to find other friends - and I wish I could give you some good advice on how to do that. Perhaps someone here has some good suggestions.
     
  7. WriterDude
    Offline

    WriterDude Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2011
    Messages:
    738
    Likes Received:
    37
    Location:
    Icy cold wastes of Hell. Aka Norway.
    I had a friend like that once, though I have no idea why I bothered. We went on a vacation using my car, but he failed to pay for his share of the gas. I was an idiot and didn't ask him about it until we about to head home, resulting in me having to pay for the gas back, too. The biggest problem was I couldn't afford it, so the last few miles were... interesting. He was the kind of guy who always does what he wanted, and didn't give a crap if he hurt someone's feelings in the process. He would always borrow money from everyone, but I never once heard him pay anyone back. (I never got the gas money, btw.) My car was a wreck in most ways, so I had planned on having it trashed and got a new one. My so-called friend bought the car instead, except he failed to pay for it. It got so bad I eventually threatened to tell the cops that he stole my car, and he eventually got enough money to pay for half of it. I never saw the other half of the money.

    Like you, I guess my main reason to stay with him was because I had no one else at the time. All my other friends were his friends. I even met my then-girlfriend through him, and I stayed with her because I had no one else. But in the end, I told my friend the truth about how I felt about him and how he acted, and I later dumped by girlfriend for the same reason. I know it's bad to call someone a b*tch, but trust me, she was even worse than that. Anyway, for a while I didn't have anyone. It felt strange for a while, but I came to realize it was for the better. I was finally free to do whatever I wanted, and I've never regret my decision. I've later made new friends, had a new girlfriend and are happier now than I ever was with my ex-friend and ex-girlfriend. Got riddance to both.

    I guess it comes down to something simple: Are you their friend? That should be a yes/no question, and if the answer is no, they are not your friends either, so why act like it?
     
  8. Cogito
    Offline

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    35,935
    Likes Received:
    2,043
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    What was the original basis of the friendship? Does that still exist?
    What was the foundation of the ongoing friendship? Does that still exist?
    Was the original basis, or the enduring foundation, based on truth, or was there something false or corrupted in the core?
    If there was a crack in the core, is it within your power, and to your benefit, to fix it?

    These are questions that might help you better answer YOUR question.

    I won't try to answer them. Only you have the depth of knowledge about the friendship to do so.

    One thing I will volunteer is that there is no greater loneliness than being in a relationship, of any kind, with the wrong person.
     
  9. P R Crawford
    Offline

    P R Crawford Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2012
    Messages:
    77
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Morocco
    Well said.
     
  10. chicagoliz
    Offline

    chicagoliz Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    May 30, 2012
    Messages:
    3,295
    Likes Received:
    815
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    You sound like you are very young. I'm sorry that this has happened to you, but unfortunately, it is not uncommon. (Yup, a double negative from a writer, I know, but I think not uncommon works better here than common ;-) People of all ages easily drift apart because people are constantly changing. Also, today, people tend to move all over the place, rather than most people staying near where they grew up. That makes it even harder to stay connected to people. People who do reach mid-adulthood with a good friend they had when they are teenagers are extremely lucky. It takes work to remain close, and very often one of the people involved in the friendship just doesn't place the same value on maintaining it -- not that they've turned against you or don't like you, but just because the things that interest them end up meshing better with other people they know and might see more often or end up wanting to see more often.
    It's hard, but try not to see it as a rejection. Focus on other friends and other interests, hobbies, work, etc. It is always possible that this friend will come back to you later on -- sometimes friendships are rekindled after years of not having had any real contact. That might happen, but don't focus on that -- be ok if it doesn't. It's not a reflection on you. This is just something that happens between people.

    FWIW: Many times, the friends you make as adults become the best friends you have. Sometimes the friends you have from childhood are based almost more on geographic convenience rather than anything else. When you're an adult, more often you can make friendships based on common mindsets, outlooks, experiences, etc.
     
  11. BFGuru
    Offline

    BFGuru Active Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2011
    Messages:
    510
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    Somewhere in insomiaville
    Please don't take this the wrong way, and maybe I am stereotyping, but are you a girl? This description of your arguments really sounds more like a female lover crying over unrequitted love.

    Even still, if he's that crappy of a friend, it's time to wipe your hands clean of the relationship.
     
  12. Blue Stasz
    Offline

    Blue Stasz Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2012
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dallas, TX
    Wrong. You have yourself. First learn that you need to be your own best friend. If you don't value yourself, nobody else will. In the process you will learn to develop some self-respect and that it is important to know and SET your boundaries - whether in a friendship or in a romantic relationship doesn't matter. And something else - Fear is a bad counsellor, especially the fear of being alone.
     
  13. MatrixGravity
    Offline

    MatrixGravity Senior Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2011
    Messages:
    195
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New York
    I do value myself. I just don't like being alone. I am too familiar with solitude and It really depresses me. I need the presence of another person around me or I tend to get really depressed and fall into a deep state of anguish.
     
  14. Cogito
    Offline

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    35,935
    Likes Received:
    2,043
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    Personally, I enjoy the company when I'm alone with only myself.

    Why does being alone depress you? I find that a troubling reason for wanting friendship. It leaves you vulnerable to exploitation, and also makes your own friendships somewhat suspect.

    BTW - this should have been in the General Life Issues thread. Your other thread has been moved there.
     
  15. minstrel
    Online

    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Staff Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2010
    Messages:
    8,725
    Likes Received:
    4,821
    Location:
    Near Los Angeles
    You say you and your friend starting drifting apart when you both got to high school. That happens - suddenly, there's a whole bunch of new people around and new activities to do. It's normal for your friend to develop new interests, new friendships. In other words, he's been growing up and evolving as a person.

    You ought to be doing the same thing! You come across as someone who does not want to grow emotionally, who does not want to evolve. You can't remain a preteen forever. I think you have to suck up the gumption to put yourself in the position of meeting new people. Take a martial-arts class. Volunteer somewhere. Join a gym. Make a steady effort to be nice to people and keep working at it. People will eventually become attracted to you and you'll find yourself having interesting friends.

    First thing to do is to stop moping and get out of the house!
     
  16. randi.lee
    Offline

    randi.lee New Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2012
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Personally, I would not stick with the friend. If the reason you're committing to the friendship is because you don't want to be alone, you're committing for the wrong reasons. It isn't fair to either of you.

    People can sometimes take for granted the people in their lives because they are so accustomed to them. Look around, you might find that you aren't really alone.
     
  17. ChickenFreak
    Offline

    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2010
    Messages:
    8,984
    Likes Received:
    5,502
    I would say that this friendship is definitely not worth _pursuing_. I wouldn't bother trying to get through to him, talk to him, convince him to make plans, any of that. I would leave the friendship on the shelf and leave it to him to make the next approach, if he does.

    It's perfectly normal to mourn the loss of such a long-term friendship, but I'd recommend that you not let that mourning lead you to try to revive a friendship that just doesn't exist any more. I'd suggest that you finish the mourning process, go through the process of trying to be comfortable on your own, and then look toward new friends. I realize that the new friends may seem impossible now, but that's the third step in the process, so I recommend starting with the mourning and the comfortable-on-your-own parts.

    Even if he does make an approach, I would suggest that you treat that as a new friendship, not an old one. I'd recommend that you keep your guard up as you might with a new acquaintance, not giving too much, not expecting too much. That's assuming, of course that you will even want to interact with him - there would be nothing wrong with deciding that you don't.

    ChickenFreak
     
  18. Wolfheart
    Offline

    Wolfheart New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2012
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Reading through the thread, I see this has already been said, but relations evolve. Friends change, you change, and sometimes you simply don't have the same click as before. While wanting to hold on to the friend for sentimental reasons (I'm the same way) I can understand, if you two simply don't get along anymore, I would advise simply (as if that were possible) forgetting about him, try to find some new friends.

    Wolf
     
  19. ithestargazer
    Offline

    ithestargazer Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2010
    Messages:
    303
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    the big M, Australia
    I think that the situation you've described is something a lot of people can relate to. What makes it difficult is the thought that if you let go you could be damaging any potential friendship in the future. The thought of being alone is one of the most devastating of all. And there's this need to cling onto the past for what it was, rather than facing the future.

    I don't know your complete story but I'll share my feelings on my own. I had a very similar relationship with my best friend and unfortunately we drifted apart. After some serious passive aggressive behavior over a few months we drifted apart without another word spoken, as if our past were irrelevant.

    Though I often dwell on it the truth of the matter is that we weren't friends anymore and hadn't been for a long time. Forcing a superficial friendship for the sake of the past can be destructive and ultimately lead to disappointment. If you have lost the basis of your friendship and are living in what your relationship used to be, then you need to ask yourself if this person is worth your heartache? A friendship is not a one way freeway and if they aren't treating you right then you should go and make a new friend who will.
     
  20. MatrixGravity
    Offline

    MatrixGravity Senior Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2011
    Messages:
    195
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    New York
    Thanks for all the wonderful input guys. I've decided to take everything you've said into consideration and I've decided to cut him off. I haven't spoken to him in about three weeks now. It honestly does feel quite liberating. I realize that my friendship with him is simply not what it used to be. There is no point in pursuing any relations with him anymore. I'm just wasting my time and he doesn't deserve somebody like me in his life. He doesn't value my friendship and he doesn't know what value even means, so why should I bother with somebody like that right? I am so mentally exhausted of having to struggle so much to make plans with him, and always get the same results. He doesn't want to do anything, that's fine. I will continue on with my life and he can do whatever he desires. I won't put my life on hold for him. I will go out there and pursue a greater happiness and live to the fullest with or without him. I'm tired of allowing people to hold me back. I can't do this anymore. I'm too overly compassionate and people take that aspect of me for granted and that's why I get stepped on in the end. I just clung so long to my friendship with him so I wouldn't be alone, but it's better to be alone than in bad company right?

    Honestly, I don't know. I just don't like being isolated. I enjoy being in the company of others. I like talking, sharing about my life, experiences, just being able to interact with somebody is really gratifying. I just have nobody to talk too when I'm on my own. It just really brings me down.
     
  21. SuttonMichael254
    Offline

    SuttonMichael254 Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2012
    Messages:
    132
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    North Dakota
    yeah its the cold hard truth man, people change, your best friends in school will drift off and do their own thing. From my days in school, i probably only still have about 4 of the same relationships that i did. I still have contact with the others, but it isnt the same, and it never will be. People change and along with change is priority change, it cant be helped. its just a part of life.
     

Share This Page