1. teeekilicious18
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    teeekilicious18 Member

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    I'VE MADE IT but now what? :D

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by teeekilicious18, Feb 14, 2016.

    omg its been a long time since I got here, I as a writer myself have been inflicted with a rare thyroid disorder last year, so I made my character have one to. I was miserable! Writing this to release stress and this story was supposed to be simple.... and its a romantic-comedy so I don't care if it's cliche. I haven't set up the location yet as in where the characters are from but I'm done with the conflict and ending :) It's going to be a happy short story novel! What do you guys think? Is it funny? Any feedbacks? Am I missing anything? Though my title doesn't feel satisfying.... And what's next after planning. This is my first that I actually feel like the sypnosis has finish. Here you go... Feel free to edit grammar if you wish!



    He’s actually me​


    An 18-year old Lalita is all involved, cheerful and active in her high school senior year until she was inflicted with a rare thyroid disorder where the lethargy kills her every waking minute and she was too sick to the point she had to repeat her senior year, let alone Lalita was born and raised by gay fathers that got Lalita wishing to have a normal life because even though she had friends in school, the guys at her class are being discriminated against her. Therefore she had no one to go out on a prom date with her.


    Not just that, Lalita’s family is having financial issues with the household and the diner that they own. Her gay fathers worked together at a diner to earn a living and they both begged Lalita to get over feeling embarrassed of them to just help them out after school. Lalita had no choice to do so but due to her illness, Lalita began to let loose. Without anyone at her school knows she’s doing this, she has decided to do the X and Y- chromosomes method that she learned from her recent science class so she begged one of her gay fathers who is the one who’s a virgin to do sex with her own daughter in order to get his DNA samples of Y-Chromosomes to see if she could ACTUALLY get a male version of her.


    The next day, the male version of her cloned out of her body while she’s asleep. He immediately knew what to do. He is Lalita! Without further ado, he has already started working at the diner before Lalita and her gay fathers are awake and he made their diner famous. Surprisingly her male version is attractive and didn’t have her illness passed down onto him when it supposed to but turns out that he’s 100% healthy! Also, because of him, Lalita gay fathers forgive Lalita for being embarrassed of them.


    With the diner being taken care of, Lalita can finally relax, focus on school and take care of her health by obeying her endocrine’s protocol and after months of dealing with her illness, Lalita trained herself into fighting it till Lalita made it to graduation! Before graduation, Lalita doesn’t even feel embarrassed to ask him out to a prom! Lalita has the last laugh! He made Lalita so happy that the opposite sex clone ended up becoming sexual partners.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2016
  2. Lifeline
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    Lifeline The Dark - not in Wonderland Supporter Contributor

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    Uhm.. I suggest putting stories up for critique in the Workshop. :)
     
  3. teeekilicious18
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    teeekilicious18 Member

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    @Lifeline ooo oops thanks :)
     
  4. Komposten
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    Komposten Insanitary pile of rotten fruit Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Since this is just a synopsis and not the actual story, it belongs here in Plot Development rather than in the Workshop.
     
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  5. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Contributor

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    I'm a little... stunned. It's certainly an interesting plot.

    I'm not sure a YA romantic comedy featuring pseudo-incest is going to go down that well with agents/publishers, but I'm not an expert in YA by any means.

    The character arc is good - everyone loves a shy girl transformed to a confident, kick-ass girl, right? - but the stakes don't seem high enough. Her goal seems to be to graduate, which I'm sure is important to young adults, but it's hardly going to keep me glued to the page because I MUST find out if she does or not. Why don't you chuck in a bit more conflict and tension? Maybe the diner's about to be repossessed. Maybe Lalita has a scholarship offer to a college and she needs high grades to get it, not just to graduate, or else she'll be working in the diner for life. You get the picture.

    The science... er... is very far into the realms of science fiction. Again, I don't know how that goes down with YA romance readers.

    I don't get a sense of Clone's personality. I don't feel happy for Lalita ending up with a clone who climbed out of her body somehow after an incestuous fuck with her one of her "gay fathers" (by the way, you don't need to keep reminding us they're gay - it doesn't define them :)).

    If I were you I'd expand this into a much longer outline and then a chapter-by-chapter breakdown and see if it has legs. I'd also research the market carefully to see where/if this would fit.
     
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  6. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    This is too weird for me to even decide how I feel, I just, what? So, first off, the gay dad has sex with her for cloning purposes? And also, he's a virgin how exactly? Considering he's raising a damn child I would hope he's had sex with his partner.And then there's here having a relationship with her clone, which is also incestuous except in a different arguably more creepy way. And the way you said "surprisingly" the male clone is attractive, like you said the female original isn't, which you didn't. And I have to agree with @Tenderiser, the male clone doesn't seem to have a defined personality here and you don't need to keep saying "gay dads" instead of "dads" which implies that.
     
  7. teeekilicious18
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    teeekilicious18 Member

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    okay thanks for the feedback guys. @Tenderiser , what is YA? I'm discussing this with my friends and I understand how having sex with her father is super weird. But you know, I'm digging for comedy. And I've read somewhere that to get the Y-chromosome is from a paternal relative and most ideally the father... This is only draft first. I'm still researching more about this X & Y chromosomes work because the story is also based from my personal experience. Apart from the thyroid disorder, I learned about this X & Y chromosomes in my own science class that my science teacher actually did say it may or may not clone us. Then my friend suggested that this could be something like scifest. I will definitely omit the having fuck with gay fathers. I apologise to the gay people out there that I wrote like this. I didn't know they are not virgin, I just assume.

    The highlight is just, I'm trying to express the cloning. hmmmm
     
  8. teeekilicious18
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    teeekilicious18 Member

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    However, if I omit the cloning part that won't be interesting. Is there any cleaner way to do this.....
     
  9. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    Where did you get the idea that a gay parent would be a virgin? I honestly don't know where you would get that from.
     
  10. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Contributor

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    Some people define a virgin as someone who hasn't had penis-in-vagina sex.

    Tee - YA is Young Adult. I think any novel with an 18-year-old protagonist is automatically YA, but I might be wrong - I write adult fiction, so it's not something I know a lot about.

    I don't think you need to omit the cloning, as it's definitely one of the most interesting parts of your plot. I think you just need to embrace the fact that your science is completely made up. Maybe even play up that point for humour, to make it clear that you don't think this could actually happen?

    If you do omit the sex-with-father, you can always have her collect his semen in some other way, and you could make it funny if handled right (ignoring issues of consent...)
     
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  11. teeekilicious18
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    teeekilicious18 Member

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    its from me sorry. i assumed.
     
  12. teeekilicious18
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    teeekilicious18 Member

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    THANK YOU!!! I'll get back to you when I rewrite this. :D oh wait, once they collect it, where do they put the y chromosome into? do they eat it? thats why i put sex.
     
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2016
  13. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    I think @Tenderiser raises an interesting point. Did you mean virgin as in no vaginal sex? Because that I can believe.
     
  14. teeekilicious18
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    teeekilicious18 Member

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    yeah no sex haha. because they're gay.. so like how can gay have children. so when I expand the story I would write how Lalita is adopted.
     
  15. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Contributor

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    If she ate it, it'd simply be digested in her stomach.

    If I were you, I'd embrace the utterly impossibility of the whole thing and have a full-on mad professor scene where she's mixing stuff up in beakers and test tubes and creating some kind of potion that she sucks in through her nose or something.
     
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  16. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    If it's got cloning, then surely they have a very advanced surrogacy program? Not saying the children need to biologically relates to their parents, frankly I don't give a damn, but the characters might choose that.
     
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  17. teeekilicious18
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    teeekilicious18 Member

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    haha yeah that got me laughing seriously! thank you! finally a comedy part.
     
  18. teeekilicious18
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    teeekilicious18 Member

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    guys do you think the title, " I love myself" is also weird...
     
  19. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    Yes. But if you want it to sound corny and eccentric, then that's a good title.
     
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  20. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Contributor

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    I think I'd skip reading the blurb based on that title, because all it conveys to me is "the main character is arrogant" and arrogance is a big turn off for me.

    I'd go with some play on words to get the humour across.

    Opposites Attract, Clones Captivate
    I'm Too Sexy for Myself
    Practising Self-Love

    Something like that?
     
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  21. teeekilicious18
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    teeekilicious18 Member

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    OMG THE THIRD ONE! I LOVE! The third title gives me an idea to be like the moral of a story. When one is facing human disasters (like a life problem with no one to understand you...) her clone is reflecting her reaction to the past. Something like that. how do i say this? or... i imagine it this way, your whole life is perfectly fine even if discrimination occurs because you have colourful friends with you by your side until you feel ill, it has robbed your health. You can't make the illness or doctors trying to stop your life while waiting to get heal. And the clone is there to help her. She will miss being healthy and energetic but she will still regret for cloning herself deep down when she should use every other working bones and joints in her body to work. Ah so like her clone helps her to see that.
     
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2016

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