A man asked me the other day: "As a young boy, was your mother ever strict with you?" I replied: "Let me get one thing straight - my mother was never a young boy!"
Just cause I care!!--this rounds on me. And like the horse of yesteryear, I shall not stray,- my GPS will deliver me home!! Capt. Bob Because I Care Friendly Advice, Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and $h*t like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause more than three times as many accidents. This message is sent by someone who worries about your well-being.
Two guys are out hunting in the woods, when one of them suddenly falls to the ground, motionless. The first hunter flips him over and notices his eyes are rolled back in his head and he doesn't seem to be breathing. Panicked, he dials 911 and says to the operator: "Oh my god...emergency! My friend just fell over dead!" The operator, in a calm voice, says to the man, "Just take it easy sir. I'm here to help you. First, let's make sure that he's dead." There is silence on the phone, then the sound of a gunshot. The first hunter comes back on the line and says, "Ok, now what?"
An old Jewish fella wins the Euro million lottery. A news team goes to interview him. "Sir, now that you've won your new found millions what do you intend on doing with it?" asks the reporter. "Well, im giving half to the Nazi party" replies the old man. Stunned, the reporter says "What, what do you mean you'll give half to the Nazi party after everything they've done?". The old man rolls up his shirt sleeve and replies "Well, c'mon, fairs fair, they did give me the numbers"
If PG Tips (tea bags) were to make Tango (fizzy drink).... would their slogan then be: "YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'VE BEEN TEA BAGGED!" ???????
Two nuns are driving down a lonely road in Transylvania at night, when suddenly a vampire leaps in the middle of the road, bearing his teeth in menacing fashion. Taken completely by surprise, the driver instictively slams on the breaks, stopping just short. She looks to her companion and says, "Quick, show him your cross." the passenger nods in agreement, roles down her window, leans out shaking her fist and says, "Get out of the road you toothy bastard!"
The Black Bra (as told by a woman) I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, (you are going to love this…..) "What's for dinner, Zorro?"
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the cops (sorry if blonde jokes are offensive, this is the only one that comes to my mind right now). They run into a barn and hide in three potato sacks. The cop kicks the brunette's bag. She mews. He kicks the redhead's bag. She barks. He kicks the blonde's bag.... She says, "Potato."
Was torn between parking spots for this important announcement. Finally decided to make light of it here, rather than in one of our "Anti" threads, to save my worthy political opponent the frustration of searching for rejoinders to best his nemesis. Never disparage the National Patriotism displayed by the proponents of this important Anti Terrorist in America endeavor!!. WALK NAKED IN America DAY Don't forget to mark your calendars. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide. So Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America ! P.S.. It is your patriotic duty to inform others. If you don't send this to at least 1 person, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are possibly aiding and abetting terrorists.
That is one of my all time favorite jokes!! HAHA!!! Ok here are a couple (sorry if blonde jokes offend you, I don't mean them in that way) There are two blondes talking in Oregon. One of them says "Which is farther, the moon or Florida?" And the other one goes "Duh! Can you SEE Florida?" Here's another: There are three blondes stuck on a desert island. A genie appears to them and says he will grant them each one wish. The first one wishes she could be smart. The genie grants her wish and she realizes she can swim across to the mainland and does so. The next girl wishes to be smarter still which the genie grants, and she uses her newfound knowledge to build a raft and float over to the mainland. The third girl wishes to be the smartest. The genie grants her this wish and she walks across the bridge. And another: A bus full of ugly people crashes instantly killing all of them. They all go up to heaven and meet God. God tells them that, because they were good people back on earth, he will grant them each one wish before they go into heaven. The first person wishes to be beautiful and God grants his wish. As he does so the guy at the end of the line starts to laugh a little. The next person wishes for the same thing and the guy at the end laughs a little harder. As God continues down the line each person wishes to be beautiful and with each person the guy at the end laughs harder and harder until he's literally rolling on the floor laughin. When god gets to him he asks him for his wish and the guy says "I wish they were all ugly again"
That was a great joke. I got to admit, I was thinking they were all with the same guy. Guess I fell for the red herring.
A blonde and a brunette are walking on opposite sides of a river. The brunette calls over to the blonde, "Hey! How do you get over to the other side?" And the blonde replies, "You are on the other side!" A blonde walks into a store and asks an employee if she could buy a flat screen television. The employee tells her to get out; that he wouldn't sell a blonde a TV from his store. The next day, the blonde walks in with a brunette wig on. Again, shes asks for a flat screen TV. The employee once again tells her to get out. The third day, the blonde comes in wearing a red wig. The employee says, "For the LAST TIME, I'm not selling a blonde a TV here!" The blonde, offended, asks why. The employee answers, "This is a bakery!" A panda walks into a bar and orders some food. After eating, he calls over one of the waiters to take his food away. Just as the waiter is picking up the plates, the panda shoots him. Then, as if nothing happened, that panda gets up to exit the bar. The bartender stops him, saying, "What do you think you're doing? You come into my bar, eat my food, shoot my waiter, and now you're going to leave without paying for your food?" The panda replies, "I'm a panda! Look it up in the dictionary!" Then leaves. Tehe bartnder finds a dictionary, looks up the word panda, and reads the definition: "Eats shoots and leaves."
I know a variation of your second joke up there. It used to be one of my favorites Three blondes are stuck on a desert island. A helicopter comes to rescue them and lowers down a rope. As it flies away the pilot yells down that all three of them are too heavy to pull up and one of them has to let go. One of the blondes says "I'm brave. I'll let go." So she does. The other two clap for her.
Today, I walked into a local convenience store to get some aspirin. The whole last eight hours I had experienced had been hell, and at that moment, I was suffering from one of the worst migraines known to man. Plus, I was practically losing my mind! I had to have three gazillion memos printed by four, my rental car returned by four, and my sister-in-law's eight obnoxious canines picked up at four on the dot. After shouldering my way past another customer, I snatched a box of aspirin from the shelf, and double-backed to the counter, throwing the box down. The clerk rang the box through, placed it in a bag and said "Would you be interested in a marble?" "No, I would not." I muttered angrily. I grabbed the bag from her hand, then turned for the door. But I stopped. Right on the edge of the counter sat a red box. In it were a half-dozen or so marbles. What caught my eye though was the inscription written on its side: Lost your Marbles? Gain one Here! Before stepping out the door, I grabbed the whole box, then ran. It was 3:53 already, and I needed all the marbles I could get.
I have a writer joke, which I don't know if it has already been posted (can't quite be bothered to read through the entire thread ): A man has applied to join the Russian Academy of Writers. He is interviewed by senior members of the Academy, who will judge whether he is suitable material for becoming a successful writer. "Have you read Tolstoi?" one of them asks. "No," says the man. "Have you read Dostoyevsky?" another asks. "No." "Have you read Gogol, Bulgakov, or Pushkin?" the third one asks, exasperated. "No." "Why have you not read any of the Russian literature classics?!" "I don't want to be reader, I want to be writer."
One fool walks up to another fool and says, "I wish I were as smart as you think you are." Who is the least smartest?
Guy walks into a bar with a smile on his face. Bartender says "Hey buddy, you look happy. What's the occasion?" Guy says "Well earlier today i was walking through the forest and I found a woman tied to some railroad tracks. So I untied her and made love to her for hours." Bartender says "Wow that sounds great! Was she pretty?" Guy says "Dunno, I never found her head."
A bear walks into a bar. The barkeep asks, "Whatta want?" The bear stares at him and replies, "I'll take a.......................................Whiskey." The barkeep looked at the bear and asked, "Whats with the big pause?"
A blone is driving too fast, and a female cop pulls her over. "I need to see your driver's license." The cop says. "I'm not sure I have that, What's it look like?" Said the Blonde. "It's about this big and has your picture on it." Says the cop. The blonde looks through her purse and finds a small mirror. She see her reflection and is satisfied that this must be her license. She hands it to the female cop. The cop looks at it and says "Gee, If I'd have known you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
Knock 'em dead Post a joke, if you - a reader - laugh, then you have to post one too! Keep 'em funny, keep 'em coming and keep 'em clean, or I'll sic Cogito on you, he seems like he can be vicious in a pinch. I'll start with a sort of lame one, that always makes me smile. Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Hey thanks! I was thinking of starting a joke thread Every year, Fred and Ethel would spend a day at the State Fair. Every year, Fred would say, "Ethel, I'd like to ride in that airplane." And every year, Ethel would say, "I know, Fred, but that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year, while they were at the fair, Fred said, "Ethel, I'm 74 years old. If I don't have a ride in that airplane this year, I may never get another chance." "Fred, that airplane ride cost ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars," Ethel replied. The pilot happened to overhear them and said, "Listen folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you anything. But, if you say one word, then you'll have to pay the ten dollars." Fred and Ethel agreed, so up they went. The pilot did all kinds of rolls and dives, twists and turns, but not a word was heard. He did all his fancy maneuvers again, but still not a word. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Fred and said, "Gosh, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, and yet you never said a word." "Well," Fred replied, "I was going to say something when Ethel fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
^ Great joke. Alright time for a Knock Knock Joke!! Triddlebait: Knock Knock You: Who's There? Triddlebait: Ammonia! You: Ammonia Who? Triddlebait: Ammonia a Jester, don't ask me! ho ho ho! *the jester dances away giggling* Thats actually a rather lame joke. Came from a game called Ashen Empires. You can sometimes find these Jesters ingame and they will tell you horrible knock knock jokes
^ROFL here is one for the politicaly INCORRECT~ I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
A man walks into a suit shop, and the salesman immediately finds him a nice, dark suit. The suit doesn't fit at all. "Let's raise that pant line, so just hold the material at the knee and pull it up." says the salesman. The man does this. "OK, well, keep that wrinkle smoothed out with your hand." The man puts his hand over his shoulder. These are the first of many corrections the salesman has his customer make. Finally, at the end of the day, the man, still in his suit, pays and leaves. Two older ladies watch him go. "Have you ever seen someone who had to go to the bathroom so badly?" Asked the first. "No, but doesn't his suit fit well!" exclaims the second.
A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks. The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck barreling down the road with all the ducks in the back again. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"