1. Gladiatus
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    Gladiatus Contributing Member

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    Jokes and funny true stories

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Gladiatus, Aug 30, 2008.

    OK here you can place, yep you guessed it : Jokes and funny true stories :p

    OK I have one, supposedly taken from a British court.......


    Judge: Hanz Schweinsteiger, you are hearby charged of disturbing the peace and 3 counts of violence. How do you plead?

    Hanz: (spouts off a sentance in German)

    Judge: Do you speak English?

    Hanz : (More German)

    Judge: Ok, do we have an interpreter?

    Barrister: No your honour.

    Judge: Does anyone in the Jury speak any German?

    A man raises his hand and says he can speak German, he moves up next to the Judge to translate.

    Judge: Ok, ask him, where he was on the 17th August.

    Man: Vhere ver you on zee 17th of owwgust. Tell me!



    This is apparently true, the man was thrown out and charged with something like disrupting the court and fined about £500!!! lol. Just because he thought he was being clever by changing his accent into a German stereotype. Sounds like a dare :p
     
  2. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    Defendants case: How could she have seen my face? I was wearing a Balaclava at the time your honour (True story)

    Lawyer: So was it you, or your brother that was killed in the war?

    (This one happened to me actually)

    Me: Hey, errrr ... can I have a large bag of chips and coke?

    Burger King Staff: You want some fries with that?

    (After a long agument, I left buying two large bags of chips)
     
  3. Heather Louise
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    Heather Louise Contributing Member Contributor

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    Lmao. My mate walked into McDonalds and said
    "How much is your £1.49 meal?" Seriously.
     
  4. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    Oh, remembered another one, I was sitting in a cafe once in Anwick waiting for my Girl Friend. I was just sitting with an Americano coffee and reading a copy of The Great Gatsby and someone came over to me and asked 'What are you reading for?'

    Honestly happened.
     
  5. Gladiatus
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    Gladiatus Contributing Member

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    This is quite funny, sorry to any guys from liverpool if they are offended.

    You know about the old industrys in Liverpool? The Iron and Steel industries?

    The women did the Ironing :p
     
  6. Heather Louise
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    Heather Louise Contributing Member Contributor

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    Lmao. I like the Liverpool one.
     
  7. Gladiatus
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    Gladiatus Contributing Member

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    Hehe, the other part for people who don't get it is that Liverpool is a stereotype for being a place for crime.

    So the Women did the Ironing, the men did the Stealing :p


    OK, got another one.

    Why did the Koala bear fall out the tree?

    Because it was dead.
     
  8. Kratos
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    Kratos Contributing Member

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    This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

    NAME: Greg Bulmash

    SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

    DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION: Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

    SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

    SIGN HERE: Aries.
     
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  9. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    I am about to quote an entire page from the 'What people have said' website.
    I just wanted to share them.

    All of them are true.

    Here we go...

     
  10. AnonymousWriter
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    AnonymousWriter Contributing Member

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    Kratos' one was funny. Was he being serious or doing it for a laugh? :p
     
  11. Gladiatus
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    Gladiatus Contributing Member

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    Dunno, just sounds american lol :p
     
  12. lordofhats
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    lordofhats Contributing Member

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    I got a funny joke. My pastor is one of the best I've ever seen. He loves to mix jokes into his sermons and this was one of the better ones:

     
  13. The Freshmaker
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    The Freshmaker <insert obscure pop culture reference> Contributor

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    My brother has always been the prankster, while I've been the bookworm.

    We grew up in a house way out in the sticks. Our roads had no streetlights, and neighbors were few and far between.

    One night in particular, he squirted ketchup all over himself and went for a walk with my stepbrother. When a car came, my stepbrother hid, and my brother staggered into the road (as you can imagine, seeing a person covered in red goop staggering in the middle of a dark rural road would be a pretty disturbing sight). The car screeched to a halt.

    The occupants got out and asked, "Oh my god, are you okay?"

    My brother staggered toward them and said, "Oh thank god you're here. I'm covered in ketchup!"

    They called him an asshole and sped away.
     
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  14. Gone Wishing
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    Gone Wishing Contributing Member

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    I apologise in advance, but I have to do it... :rolleyes: My favourite joke:

    Q: Why did the boy fall off his bike?

    A: Because somebody threw a fridge at him.

    *runs before the rotten fruit is thrown*
     
  15. AnonymousWriter
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    AnonymousWriter Contributing Member

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    Lol, that's almost as bad as the "Why did the chicken cross the road?" one. :p
     
  16. The Freshmaker
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    The Freshmaker <insert obscure pop culture reference> Contributor

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    Wait a second...that doesn't make any sense. Who threw the fridge? The Incredible Hulk?
     
  17. Gone Wishing
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    ^__^ That's why I love it so much - it's utter nonsense. :)
     
  18. Flubagalub
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    Flubagalub Member

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    Q. What's the difference between an orange?

    A. A horse because it doesn't have any handlebars.
     
  19. biddy
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    biddy Member

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    Location:
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    A man walks into a bakery.

    "Can I have a loaf of bread please Baker," says the man.

    "Certainly," says the Baker. "Would you prefer white or brown bread?"

    "Doesn't matter," says the man, "I have a bicycle outside."


    .......:confused:
     
  20. Daisy
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    Daisy New Member

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    Q. Where can you find a legless turtle?

    A. Wherever you left him.

    *Also ducking the rotten fruit*
     
  21. Puzo44
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    Puzo44 Member

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    3 people are serving in Iraq drinking stolen booze when they ae caught and sentenced to 20 lashes of a whip by a shiek. The people are British, German, and American.
    Since it is the shiek's 1st wife's b-day he gives each soldier one wish. The brit asks for a pillow to be tied to his back, the pillow only takes 10 lashes and he is carried away bleeding and crying, same thing with the German but he asks for 2 pillows, they only withstand 15 lashes and the German is carried away crying.

    The shiek gives the American 2 wishes because of his nationality, the American asks for 100 lashes and after the shiek applauds his bravery and asks his second wish the American responds: "tie the british guy to my back"

    This is a modified baseball joke to make it funny for the non-fans here
     
  22. cydney
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    cydney Banned

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    This is the thread I've been looking for! I have a funny story to tell about this trip I'm on but it will have to wait! This is my reminder!
     
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  23. Scot
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    Scot Active Member

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    A drunk walks into a fish and chip shop.

    "gimme cod'n'chips"

    The proprietor responds, "Sorry, We're out of cod. Will haddock be okay?"

    "I want cod and chips!"

    "I've told you. We have no cod!"

    "But I want cod and chips!"

    "Spell cod."

    "C. O. erm, D."

    "What about the F?"

    "There's no F in cod."

    "That's what I've been trying to tell you."
     
  24. cydney
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    cydney Banned

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    Lol @Scot
     
  25. cydney
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    cydney Banned

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    My daughter & granddaughter were on their way to pick me up for a tournament we were going to & my daughter spotted a spider crawling on her & panicked. She was trying to kill the spider & drive too. My granddaughter was dying laughing & videoing her on her phone. When my granddaughter posted it on SnapChat we could hear "Somebody that I used to know" playing on the radio in the background.

    Funny when it happened & the video is hysterical. :)
     

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