Lads and Girls Thread.

Thanks guys. I just get a little frustrated with some people's views on the world and it kind of drains me a bit. But thanks guys. It helps that you have commented!

 

I would have to say that one of the things that frustrates me is the "Men are from Mars, womrn are from Venus" crap. I see it as one more attempt to legitimize the stereotype that men and women cannot communicate on the same level. So yes, I will continue to call it crap.

Are there differences between men and women? Of course there are! Thank God! And there are differences in ways oif thinking that are encouraged and reinforced socially. Also, hormones do interact with brain chemistry.

But there are also differences due to ethnicity, religion, and greatest of all, the sum of all experiences for an individual. These individual differences are far more important in differenting the manner of thought and perception between two people than their gender!

All communication depends on similarity of experience. Until there is a commonality on the meaning of a word or a gesture, it cannot be communicated or used in communication. So focusing on shared experience is what will facilitate understanding, whereas clinging to differences will inevitibly maintain a chasm between men and women.

 

ok so lastnight me and my boyfriend were fighting. He says I dont love you like I used to-(ouch) He then says I am not sure if we are going to be able to stay together.(double ouch) then this morning he says I am in love with you. I am not going to leave but somethings got to change. WHAT THE HELL. what does all this mean. Is this guy a goner? should I move out? should I hold on? should I try to make it work?
oh ya to complicate it all. He runs our buisness, while I am a stay at home mom. With nowhere to go and with no money if I do leave(which Isnt a huge deal because its not the priority

 

Obviously you both don't know what true love is. Why don't you guys stop assuming you do and work on finding it.

 

"Should I try to make it work" is a question about what the relationship means to you, not about what he has said or done.

Whether you can make it work is a completely different question. For it to work, both of you will have to be committed to making it work, because it only takes one person to break a relationship.

I find the "something's got to change" part disturbing. What he means by that will probably be the single key as to whether the relationship is salvageable. Changing the other person to fit your life is a doomed pursuit. Changing yourself must be a choice to benefit you, not to please someone else.

Whatever concessions you decide to make, be sure you aren't giving yourself up. Any relationship that does not let you be you is simply not worth it.

If you do part, you'll have to decide whether you can still remain in the business relationship. It sounds like a partnership business, so if you cannot continue to work together, one of you will need to buy out the other, or the business may need to be dissolved and the assets divided.

However, that is a huge decision based on a single night of fighting.

 

Hmmm E-bow I am just not gonna remark on your comment because it was not helpful at all. Dont go assuming that we dont know what true love is. That was a ridiculous statement and was irritating that you are commenting in a very unhelpful way.

Cogito-whether or not we can make the realtionship work is a better question and what I meant. I think if we do decide to go forward with the relationship then it is going to be a very long journey to get back to anything normal. I thank you for pointing out not to change myself for someone else. You are very right. The buisness thing is not really any concern yet-although maybe will be in the future. I know what he means by somethings got to change but putting down all our relationship problems seems extra personal and I had a really hard time putting down what I did. Today has been a really rough day, and still not a lot of answers to my questions. Since he does mean so much to me-I hope to work it out. ButI am worried that some of the things that have been said made to much damage. sigh-off to bed-time to dream of better days lol-thanks for the help

 

He say's he doesn't love you like before, then he does. You believe whatever comes out of his mouth and you're anxious about the way he feels about you. You guys both suffer from a clingy emotion commonly termed as 'romantic love'.

That is not true love, which is why you guys both go on an emotional rolocoaster with each other. If your relationship is ever gonna work, simply stop assuming you know what true love is and try to find it together. Thats as good advice as you'll get for any relationship you're in.

 

I would suggest you ask him to explain what he means. But do you in return, love him? If you feel that you do not want to be with him, maybe see a lawyer, make copies of all your business papers as well.

I really hope things work out for you both.

And E-bow: What is love? No-one really knows.

 

Maybe, but it seems to me that telling them what kind of love they have from one short posting is quite a leap. As for the assumption that she believes whatever comes out of his mouth, I just don't see that. She quoted both statements, which says to me that she may very well see the contradiction.

What is true love? Every love is different, and the only test I believe in is time.

Finding love together is what a love relationship is about, and it is a continual process. The low points are at least as important as the highs. The highs make it rewarding, but the lows make it strong.

 

Sometimes people say rash things when they're worked up about something, so it's entirely likely that he didn't mean it and he was just upset. How long have the two of you been together? A mature relationship is quite different from a shiny, new one. I think some people don't realize that a relationship gets less exciting (though by no means less enjoyable) after the "honeymoon period" is over. And I've seen a lot of couples break up at this point, because "the magic is gone." The magic isn't gone, it's just not a novelty anymore. Maybe that's why he said, "I don't love you like I used to."

That probably doesn't help at all, but that's my insight on the situation.

 

I've gotta agree on this one.. i found myself in the exact same situation not long ago.. ive been married four years, and out of the blue one day my husband told me he wanted a divorce.. he refused to talk to me for four days, and being a stay at home mom with no income or even a bank account with my name on it, i was petrified. some days passed and it changed from "im filing for divorce" to "well i wont divorce you, but you need to move into your own room" .. to "i'm sorry T_T I didnt mean it!"... sometimes people get over stressed or pissed about something else, and they lash out at everyone around them because they dont know any other way to cope with the problem. I ended up sitting down and having a long conversation with my hubby about our marriage and what we didnt like about it, and what we could to to help eachother outsometimes.. and months later we're far happier than we were to begin with.... even if this is a brand new relationship, you stand to loose nothing if you choose to put forth some effort and find out whats bugging him into this ultimatum.. you'll be no worse off than you are now certainly.

 

So...now for my love issues.

My boyfriend broke up about three months ago, because he's a cock and he cheated on me. He felt horrible about it, but whatever. We stayed friends.

About three weeks ago, I met someone new. First impression: total geek. However, he turned out to be really surprising. He's an amazing guitarist, has a great sense of humor, and totally looks like James Franco when he takes off his glasses. We have so much in common it's insane. We hung out five days in a row, and he stayed at my house twice (no, we didn't do it). Only problem: I was going to Maryland for the whole summer.

A week ago, I drove up here (to Maryland). My ex drove up with me (because it was either him or my mom, and my mom doesn't have a driver's license). He wants me back. He says he's going to get into school and buy a car, and pretty much get his life on track. And when I come home, he wants to try again. I don't know if I trust him.

This new guy, though...we've talked every day since I've been up here. Usually a minimum of three hours, either online or on the phone. It's pretty much a given that when I come back, we're going to be together. However...I don't know. It seems like this has all happened really fast, and my instincts are telling me to slow down and evaluate.

My ex and I are perfect for each other. We were together for two years, and we never had any major problems before the cheating thing. I love him very much, but I don't know if I can bring myself to trust him again.

This new guy, I think, will be very good for me. He's actually going somewhere with his life (he's an engineering major at UF), and he's very logical, very sweet, and we see eye-to-eye on a lot of important issues. However, he is also pretty sheltered and has very simple tastes, where I am spontaneous and creative and thrive on new experiences.

I don't know. At least I have a couple months to think about these things.

 

my suggestion: dont get back together with your ex.. it rarely turns out well when one of the couple has cheated on the other... if he's done it once, chances are he'll do it again.. maybe not next week or next month.. maybe years from now (if you stay together that long) but it'll probably happen. I think personally that your ex doesnt really know what he wants, and he's probably more "in lust" with you than "in love"...

on the new guy: sounds like a winner if your personalities dont crash. Take it slow... you have alot of years left in you to worry about finding the perfect person... there are billions of people on earth.. if this guy isnt it.. you'll find someone else who is... but give him a shot.. he may suprise you

 

You have a few months to think about things at least. Consider this the slow down period, use it to figure out whats what.
Think it all through logically, you have the time, and try to decide whats best.

 

well I think that if you read over what you wrote-you keep saying i like this new guy, and he seems fresh and good, my instincts say to slow down....
all the other stuff you said was just insecurities. Take you time, forget your ex, and see if mr. fresh new guy is good for you. Good luck- p.s. cheating wrecks relationships. I think you really need to let that guy go.

(as for my post before- We have been together for 5 yrs. so honeymoon perios was over long ago. we do have true love and thats why I feel that its worth it to keep trying. No harm in that as long as I dont lose myself in the process right?! It has been a couple days since the fight and we are getting back on track. Again e-bow you comments are ridiculous and you are just looking for attention.
My bf and I are going to take it slow-work things out and see what happens. I think we will be ok, but there are some serious things we need to work out before I am comfortable again.)

 

To Freshmaker,

If I am hearing you correctly, you are suspended in a decision point between the ex and the new guy. My question is, have you taken time in between to assess how you fit into the old relationship, and how it changed you?

I was married for 10 years. Seven years into it, my wife cheated on me. I forgave her, and looked at to what degree my own behavior had pushed her away. We tried for nearly three years to repair it, including counselling.

The marriage did not survive. And my first relationship after we parted ways could generously be described as a nightmare.

I took the time after that to find out more about myself, and to learn how to enjoy my own company.

I have now been in a relationship for about five years. It has had its ups and downs, but it is based on love, not need, and I am truly happy.

Life may be short, but with the wrong person you can be lonely for a long, long time.

 

What's up with lipgloss? I mean, you have lipstick, so why do you need this stuff?

 

gloss is shiney and kind of moisturizes lips. Lipstick is purely for color. Now if you get lipstick with lipgloss...your in buisness.lol
p.s. I way rather lip gloss over lipstick because i have tiny lips and if I wear lipstick I look like my grandma.

 

Lol Wordwizard. How can two short specific posts be classed as looking for attention? Are you attacking me because something deep inside was unsure of the way you felt about this guy, or the way he feels about you?

If you had true love, then you wouldn't say that you need to keep 'trying'. Do you try to keep loving your children or parents? No, it comes naturally. You are never for a second unsure about your true feelings even when upset or very angry.

It seems you want him to love you more than he does. Nothing wrong with that. I was just asking you to be honest, then maybe you can find a purer love.

And to answer the earlier posts, let me explain true love. It is uncaused love. As simple as that, unconditional uncaused love. You love someone simply because you have it in you to give, and it isn't based on them returning the feeling or doing/having done certain things. That is true pure love, although I admit that is extremely rare in a human to produce in our age. Maybe one day in the future this will be the state of our world. And it truly will be heaven on earth.

 

Seeking attention or not, I believe Wizard's comment was an attempt to have you use a more tactful voice.

"Love" is not some blind, Chauvinistic force -- loving unconditionally would not necessarily be healthy anyway. Though someone has strong feelings for another, other vectors come into play... emotional baggage could create tensions, violence, and a host of other things. Should that person stay in the relationship then? even if they really are in love?

Also, comparing the feelings one would have towards those that have raised them with those of romance seems a bit odd as well. How should one feel compelled to give that kind of devotion to someone who is essentially a stranger in comparison?

 

You misunderstand. Earlier I pointed out the falsity of romantic love. And when I said you love everyone unconditionally, I didn't mean you sleep with them all. You may have one special person you show your feelings towards. I was just saying she doesn't have unconditionallove towards her partner. True love doesn't change in a flicker of emotion.

Also the love one has towards parents or children does show true love, therefore it can be compared to a lover. If you feel someone to be a stranger to your heart, then they truly aren't in your heart. Therefore it can be compared.

 

E-bow, are you saying that true love doesn't require work to sustain it? That it just comes naturally?

 

Yes...But here you're referring to a sexual relationship. All relationships need nurturing to sustain and grow closer. However that doesn't change the fact that true love is natural, and doesn't need 'work' to sustain it.

Do you need to 'work' on the relationship with your child to sustain your love for him/her. Could you concieve of a day when you didn't love them?

 

E-Bow. seriously. Where do you get off telling me (and everyonce else) that I have a lack of unconditional love for my partner. You dont know me, you hardly know any of the situation, and just because you can define true love, doesnt make it correct. I think your just making it up.Tell me if it is so rare why did you start out by saying to me: you obviously dont have true love. Like it was something so common. If it is so rare, why bring it up?
There is such thing as having to work at love. child love, and partner love. sooooooooo diferent. parent love...again...sooooooooo different. There are times when my bf drives me up the wall, there are times when my child drives me up the wall, there are times when my parents (oh dear god) drive me up the wall. I have to work on each and every relationship. I believe true love to be a feeling. An everlasting emotion that doesnt go away.
I am not attacking you because I have subconscious issues with true love, I am attacking you because you attacked me with your snarkyness, your ignorance, and your attitude.
I do get what your saying that with children you never doubt your love even when mad, but if they were to say to me, I dont love you anymore and I dont want to be here, I would think to myself. Hmmm what am I doing wrong, how can I work on this relationship. I am not saying I dont love my bf anymore because of this, I am saying dear god how can I fix this.
As for me wanting him to love me more that he does...HELL YA I do. and your right. Nothing wrong with that.You keep saying I have romantic love...again...whatare you saying? your making up this junk and telling me and everyone else that this is whats going on. It is ridiculous. I came on to this thread for some ideas on what to do. I was confused hurt and angry. You bombard me with know it all attitude and you expect me not to be irritated by that. It was wrong of you to say the things you did, and I think an apology is in order. I apologize for any harshness that is in this or anything else I posted but I feel that the things you said were uncalled for.

 

Ok so what you are saying is that if I truely loved someone and they loved me that we would not have to try and be a good couple that it should just come natural or it isn't true love...