1. jgm2089
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    jgm2089 New Member

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    let me know

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by jgm2089, Jan 30, 2011.

    is this a good build up for my intro?

    i know that there is some spelling errors but im just writing through everything enjoy

    The Cutthroat of fate: Maledict - 1st Session: fear of the unknown
    intro

    In the year 2095 a great change has come over the world. With new technologies being developed and weaponry becoming the primary source of absolute power and control, The countries of the world are rapidly becoming more tyrannical then peacekeeping and when there is a nation that has corrupt leaders imposing their rule over the country, rebellious factions and criminal organizations will try to rise and retaliate with a violent means to prove to their corrupt superiors that they will not fold amongst their oppression and they will continue to wage war and fight for what they believe in…

    To convey the truth – February 9, 2092

    Ivan, the inquisitor a man hell bent on making sure he always gets the job done right when it comes to every interview he does. A tall Caucasian man in his early thirties with dark brown hair and light brown eyes, Tall and mildly brawn with a face that reveals the uncontrollable nature of man who appears to be aging before his time. With deep crow’s feet under his eyes revealing the time and energy he puts into every interview he has done since his inception as a journalist. Ivan walks down a hallway filled with nothing but pictures of men and women within law enforcement who lost their lives in the line of duty. Ivan enters the office of detective murrows and takes a seat in front of a huge desk filled with a heavy load of paperwork and waits for detective Murrow, to do an interview that took him almost the whole year to get. Detective Murrow’s schedule was very muddled with a fluctuated mass of heinous crimes being committed and paperwork needing to be done. Ivan takes his e-com out of his pants pocket, a device that pretty much functions like a hand held minicomputer. Ivan sits with a shipshape poster with his e-com in his quavering right hand. He starts to adjust his suit making sure nothing looks wrinkled or out of place. Ivan passes his left hand over his face and starts to feel an unrestrained sense of nervousness. “What if I ask an offensive question?” Ivan wonders. After all he is speaking with detective murrows. A legend in law enforcement who has been serving the city of new heaven for twenty seven years. He checks the time on his E-com and it is 1525. “Five more minutes until the interview do not screw this up, get what you can, learn what you can.” Ivan whispers. He activates the voice recording feature on the e-com and starts taking deep breathes. Seven years of working in the field of journalism and ivan still has not adjusted to the hard nerve wrecking work that comes with being a journalist. Ivan begins to hear the noise of someone coughing heavily. The noise begins to escalate. Ivan turns around and looks down the hall only to find a man who appears to be in his late forties standing about 6ft tall with tanned caramel colored skin, a rugged beard and a short curly afro with golden framed glasses. “Okay let’s hurry and get this interview done quickly so that I can leave early today Mr….sapinski correct?” Detective Murrows says as he storms through his office and takes a seat. Detective murrows reaches over his desk to shake ivans hand. “What do you need, how can I help you and what type of info do you need to make your damn magazine sell?” Detective Murrows says with a disheveled tone. “I’m just here to do an interview about the city’s state of affairs, now let us begin.” Ivan says nervously. Detective murrows notices the e-com recording and begins to sits back slowly and stare at Ivan with a look of restlessness. “What is it that made you join law enforcement detective murrows? Why is it that even though it looks as if there is no hope for the city of new heaven you continue to fight to uphold the law?” pretty stupid question if you ask me.” Detective murrows replies. Gangs running wild, women being beaten raped and killed, children being molested and murdered, organized crime leaders having a good number of politicians killed. Someone has to do the job don’t you think? “Why did you become a reporter.” It is something that you developed a passion for, reporting and interviewing people, am I right?” So you have a passion for this type of work, Is that what you’re implying detective? Ivan responds collectively. Look, sure the city is ****ed up now but if law enforcement wasn’t there to uphold what little justice we have left this city would be in a more grotesque situation then it already is.” But there have been reports of corruption within all levels of law enforcement, and there have even been rumor spreading about police officers going into the homes of various individuals, taking them out of their homes and driving them to quiet undisclosed locations to execute them, some of the victims being children.” Detective murrows stares at Ivan with a huge grin on his face and begins to clap lightly.
     
  2. hawky94
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    hawky94 Active Member

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    Good introduction mate, some grammatical mistakes, but overall a very interesting introduction, well written.
     
  3. InnerBeauty
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    InnerBeauty New Member

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    Hi

    I don't mean to sound like an awful critic, but it did seem a bit jerky to me. Perhaps you could work on the flow. Oh and since Ivan is your character, you need not mention his name so often before his encounter with Detective Morrows. I think maybe that's why the flow is a little off.

    Other than that, its just fine.
     
  4. Ellipse
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    Ellipse Contributing Member Contributor

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    Commet removed. :/
     
  5. FrankABlissett
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    FrankABlissett Active Member

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    Kept losing my place. May be just me, but I need white space to help me keep on track - try dividing into a few paragraphs.

    I can't comment on the prose, unfortunately, because of this.

    -Frank
     
  6. Pen
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    Pen Member

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    That is a serious wall of text- I'm with Frank, my eyes just crossed when I saw that and I couldn't follow it through. The intro paragraph seems to be a bit of an info dump, and the things in there would be better shown in-story rather than told.

    From what I read in that first paragraph, it initially seems as though you're going for black-and-grey morality, but then the tone shifts- these criminal organisations, rather than trying to unseat the government simply so they can rule instead are rather hoping to fight "for what they believe in". Are they good guys standing up for individualism and democracy, or simply criminal gangs wearing the disguise of a resistance movement?

    If you take the time to show them in-story rather than summarising them from the get-go, you will allow the reader to decide what is after all a tricky question with many real-world parallels.
     
  7. jgm2089
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    jgm2089 New Member

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    this is all great advise if you have any other tips please let me know and as for how it was written its just ideas in the head being dumped on the laptop once im done writing ill revise everything but keep it coming with the critique
     
  8. Wasp
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    I Thought The Review Room Was The Only Place That Stories Could Be Asked To Be Critiqued On This Forum.
     
  9. Pen
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    There are a lot of problems here, but I think they are quite fixable. Step One must be to break it into paragraphs so others can read it.
     
  10. lost123
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    lost123 Senior Member

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    really good writing, I love it. Keep it up
     

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