Loglines

Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by peachalulu, Mar 3, 2015.

  1. peachalulu
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    peachalulu Contributing Member Reviewer Contributor

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    Well, in the book I got for free download by Noah Lukeman - http://www.lukeman.com/greatquery/ - he has a section on loglines for queries. One good thing I have to agree with GingerCoffee is does put your story into sharper focus. Just by trying to define mine I can see where I need to tighten things up.
     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2015
  2. Catrin Lewis
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    Catrin Lewis Contributing Member Contributor

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    I had the same queries, on first reading, about "dares " and so on. But is "nymphet" deliberate? It says "underaged sexpot/jailbait" to me. Does she come on to her protector, putting him in even more jeopardy of losing his job (and identity) forever? Or can we be more general, which ups the pathos factor?

    Maybe something like following . . .

    An amnesiac cop fights to reestablish his name and career by safeguarding a young girl targeted by a serial killer, putting his life in jeopardy as well.
    Is this anywhere near the point?
     
  3. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    If your book has three acts isnt it classically structured? What's the issue?
     
  4. Catrin Lewis
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    Catrin Lewis Contributing Member Contributor

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    Maybe:
    Centauri Rising (a socio-political novel): The ordinary coming-of-age struggles of a group of teenagers are complicated by the inter-cultural clashes and power structures that dominate their recently-colonized world.​

    True, this says nothing about their "fantastic lives." Have to say that adjective comes off slangy to me. And it doesn't seem to fit with their discontent with their elders you describe in a subsequent post.

    But if that factor is key, maybe this?

    A group of teenaged friends struggle to maintain their normal, happy lives despite the inter-cultural clashes and unequal power structures that dominate their recently-colonized world.​
     
  5. GingerCoffee
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    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

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    I don't really know much about classical structure, but for the logline my story's very hard to see as who-goal-obstacle. The protag's goal and obstacle changes midway through the story. In addition, a new 'who' is added with a new goal and obstacle that becomes the second book in the duology, which adds a third protagonist with yet another goal and obstacle.

    I'm still sorting the logline out, but the story is very clear in my head.
     
  6. Catrin Lewis
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    Catrin Lewis Contributing Member Contributor

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    As for mine, here's the latest revision:

    The Single Eye (romance-thriller): Two young architects struggle to preserve their practice, their love, and their integrity when a diabolical would-be client refuses to take “no” for an answer.
    I really want to put "Mephistophelean" for "diabolical" since the Faust legend and, especially, one musical adaptation of it, is key to my story. But no point in scaring people off.

    For Novel No. 2, this is what I have:

    Singing Lake Farm (psychological-supernatural horror): A widowed middle-aged gardener’s lifelong dream of establishing a nursery business is threatened when an ancient menace reemerges from the land she has sacrificed everything to buy.
    (Yes, I know the titles are similar. That's an issue for another thread.)

     
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2015
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  7. peachalulu
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    peachalulu Contributing Member Reviewer Contributor

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    Much better than mine, but it still feels off. The nymphet thing is deliberate. The girl is underage and does come onto the mc. I wonder if I should back peddle away from trying to explain too much in the logline and get more of a mood going.
     
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  8. Catrin Lewis
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    Catrin Lewis Contributing Member Contributor

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    Having read a little of your original draft, I thought so.

    "Oversexed adolescent girl"? "Wild young girl"? "Physically-needy young girl"?

    The key is coming up with the right adjective(s) so the logline reader perceives the extra problem your hero has, versus going, "Ho-ho, Lolita!" in a prurient way or or snarling, "That paedo cop!"
     
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  9. peachalulu
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    peachalulu Contributing Member Reviewer Contributor

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    Exactly.
     
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  10. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Yup. @T.Trian and I wrote our first logline after the first or second draft, and after that realized how much we really have to streamline and tighten up the plot and the story. How? 'Cause it was so damn hard to write that logline :D But it really helped, even though we still have to emphasize some bits and work on the resolutions, so we don't hang too many things in the air at once.
     
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  11. John Franklin Dandridge
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    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    There's something missing from the amnesiac cop-identity challenged. I'm wondering if the identity conflict is because of the amnesia (though I assume so). In that case, you may not need the identity challenged part. Otherwise, it definitely sounds interesting.
     
  12. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    I wish I could critic better but I really do suck there. Though 27 word limit huh? I shall try!

    When Valorie witnesses a murder she becomes a target of a terrorist network during which she learns about her mysterious origins but now, can she survive them?




    When an assassin makes a fatal judgment call the life of her family is put on the line. Can she give up on vengeance to save them?




    It's World War 3. Having nothing but a cracking sword and a will to endure. Will it be enough to survive a world that considers him worthless?

    Am I worthless at this?
     
  13. John Franklin Dandridge
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    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    Definitely not worthless. You've got three attempts. And I think the first one is the most engaging. Though I would mention the fact she's an assassin. But does the story theme more along the lines of a terrorist network or her family? I'd suggest combining parts of all three and repost.

    Here's what I've got so far for mine:

    Brandon Calumet navigates his way into adulthood through his passion for girls and art; but when these paths intersect, do they bring him to madness, or transcendence?
     
  14. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    Oh all 3 are to different stories.

    Valorie the almost normal girl.
    Jackie the Assassin.
    Paul the nobody.

    Not sure if I like the use of transcendence in yours.
     
  15. John Franklin Dandridge
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    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    Ah, I thought for a moment they might be different stories. Are they works in progress or finished stories?

    Yeah, I wasn't keen on using transcendence, either.
     
  16. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    Valorie is my first story ever! :D My main story. :D Not yet finished. I got all the notes just putting it t paper been slow.

    Jackie's story have a 50k completed first draft.

    Hadn't even started Paul's story yet.
     
  17. John Franklin Dandridge
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    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    Not sure if you've thought of this yet, but do these stories exist within the same world, or completely separate?

    And how do you like personal evolution compared to transcendence?
     
  18. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    *Googles logline*

    Wow. Difficult.



    When Alex bats a cricket ball into Rachel's stomach, neither of them are expecting to fall in love. But his dark secret threatens their blossoming relationship and, eventually, their lives.

    It sounds so damn cheesy! And I broke the 27 word limit.
     
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  19. John Franklin Dandridge
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    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    Love the intro. May want to change 'expecting' to 'want' or another word.
     
  20. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    Same world. These characters kind of clash.

    Paul being the exception. My main story takes place in the same universe. Paul is actually Jackie......not even remotely close what to call it. Lets put it this way. Paul is the only surviving member of a family named "Tarvoss" two hundred years later. Jackie is part of that family. lol.Decendent? Great great great great great grand dad? lol

    But Jackie and Valorie even fight at one point. Though Jackie story takes place about 10 years after Valorie's I am a bit of an over thinker.

    I don't like that either. This is a short thing. Simple. Brass tax. Happy or sad. Maddness works because while a bigger word most people still relate it to sad. I mean? I don't want to be mad. What is something I want to be? Personally evolved? Might be true but it more of a head scratching moment of thinking about what that even means.
     
  21. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    Thanks!

    That's an interesting thought. Rachel is okay about falling in love, though she wasn't actively looking for it and didn't think it would happen for her. Alex definitely does not want to fall in love. This is the issue when you have two protagonists!
     
  22. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    When Alex bats a cricket ball into Rachel's stomach, neither of them are expecting love. But his dark secret threatens their blossoming relationship and, their lives.

    Fixed. 27 words. :D
     
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  23. John Franklin Dandridge
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    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    Overthinker? You and me both. Wow, interesting concept. It may be best to do one at a time, though I know this may be difficult, as ideas come as they will.

    I was using madness in the sense of insanity, but I don't know what the opposite of that may be in terms of artistic/personal/evolution. Hmm...
     
  24. John Franklin Dandridge
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    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    Two protagonists could work. Perhaps tell the story from both of their point of views?
     
  25. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    lol. Actually the more I do ideas. The more they come to me. Example. In Jackie's story she references the struggle her ancestor went through in order to survive. Which made me think. Damn she is right that is inspiring.

    Well in your case it doesn't matter. The point isn't if it tells the full story. You can't expect 27 words to do that. The point is how is a person reading 27 lines going to react. Do you want the head scratching or not? Make sense? Damn now I feel stupid. I open saying I am worthless and now I think I am not sounding worthless. leave it to me to make a liar out of myself. lol
     

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