1. Phil Partington
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    Phil Partington Member

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    Looking for feedback on my pitch

    Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by Phil Partington, Jun 4, 2015.

    I hate pitch writing, as most authors do, but I've finally come to one I like for my WIP/nearly completed novel I hope to query to agencies in the coming months. It's even passed the test of a few my author friends who've had some success with this sort of endeavor. That said, would love to hear your initial take and feedback. The title of the novel is THE SIREN'S LYRIC; it's a YA fantasy. Probably won't be doing any sort of overhauls with it, but will definitely consider anything you have to share about it--the good, bad and ugly.

    Much appreciated in advance.



    As soon as Alex Brim sets foot in the small farming town of Lott's Vale, she is ready to leave. The life of a mage isn't all it's cracked up to be, especially in a place that detests spell casting. Had Father not sent her back to care for her crazy uncle, she would have never dreamed of returning. But here she is, five years later, doing her best to blend in in hopes she isn't recognized--particularly by Matthew, the boy whose heart she crushed by leaving in the first place. The boy she never stopped loving.

    Yet things aren't quite as she remembers. The town is sick--she can sense it like an oncoming storm. A Siren lurks in the forest, assuming the form of each man's own desire and seducing them to carry out her underhanded errands. And Alex's tie to magic is damning evidence against her as the townsfolk try to uncover the source of these dark enchantments. As she fends off suspicion, the Siren claims Matthew as her latest victim and learns of his lingering feelings for Alex. Now the Siren wants her dead.

    The stakes have risen as Alex faces more than simply the possibility of rejection, and much more than the town's cruelty. If she hopes to stay alive and save her love, she will have to find a way to stop the Siren and put an end to the dark magic that's been poisoning Lott's Vale.
     
  2. BookLover
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    BookLover Contributing Member

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    It's pretty good. I like that you came full circle with it in the last paragraph and repeated all the problems she's facing and the town's name.

    The first paragraph is the weakest, in my opinion. Things pick up in the second paragraph when you start talking about the Siren.

    I guess it was hard for me to follow the first paragraph. At first I thought she'd never been to that town, and then I found out she was "returning." So does that mean she grew up there? And how can she go back to the small town she grew up in and take care of an uncle who I assume everyone knows is related to her and not be recognized? I don't know. Maybe simplify it, since it's just a pitch. Mention in the first sentence her past relation to the town. "As soon as Alex Brim returns to her small home town of ..."

    And take out her father and uncle, and just say she's returning to care for a crazy relative. I don't think knowing all the relations in the pitch really adds anything since the story is more about the Siren and Matthew anyway.

    The other paragraphs were a lot easier to follow, and it seems like a very interesting story. :) I'd read it.
     
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  3. Phil Partington
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    Phil Partington Member

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    Thanks SO much for the feedback. I'll have to look at all that--what you're saying makes sense.

    Thanks again.
     
  4. Mckk
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    Mckk Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I have nothing useful to say, except that I wanna read this now. I love magic, and I love romance (I also love the name Matthew), and I also read a lot of YA - this sounds right up my alley. Wanna send me a sample? :D I'm not writing much these days so I'm reading a lot!
     
  5. Deloctyte
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    Deloctyte Member

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    I have to agree with BookLover, the first sentence makes it sound like she's arriving for the first time. It sounds like her life as a mage was hard from the start, not just in the magic-hating town.

    Finally, and this is a plot question, so it's not that important, but how can someone live in a small town and actively avoid somoene to the extent of not being recognized?

    Beyond that, the book sounds pretty great! One more vote for getting this bad boy published! :D
     
  6. BayView
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    BayView Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'm with @BookLover re. the first paragraph.

    I'd also try to find a way to avoid that double "in". It's just awkward, and a query is no place for awkward writing.
     
  7. Sack-a-Doo!
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    Sack-a-Doo! Contributing Member Contributor

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    +1 on the "in in," but I'm sure you don't need further reinforcement.

    I haven't even started learning how to do queries properly yet, so that's about all I can offer.

    I do find this process fascinating, though. Can't wait to see your revision.
     
  8. Jackie B
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    Jackie B New Member

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