1. Hubardo
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    Hubardo Contributing Member Contributor

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    "Looking for platonic"

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Hubardo, Apr 18, 2014.

    Last night I was at a bar with some friends and this woman caught my eye. She was undefeated at the pool table and was fairly good looking. After someone finally beat her she sat next to me and we talked for a long time about a lot of things. When she was getting up to leave finally I asked her if she would want to hang out sometime. She said, "it depends... I'm only looking for platonic right now." I hid my resignation and we exchanged numbers anyway. Resignation not because I'm only looking for romance/hookups right now, but because I seem to have a plethora of platonic relationships with women, and I'm kind of tired of it. I have plenty of friendships and zero romance in my life right now. Anybody ever come up against this frustration? Feel free to take this thread wherever you want...
     
  2. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    Look it's very simple . Women are going to test you the rest of your life. Always do everything on your terms. Maybe she's interested maybe she's not. If she is, invite her somewhere touch and flirt . If she isn't, invite her somewhere touch and flirt. You don't need more girl friends, she can always leave.
     
  3. GingerCoffee
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    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

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    Most of the time, "I'm only looking for platonic" would translate into, "I'm not sexually attracted to you." There's little one can do about it short of weight loss (if relevant) and looking for a different type of mate that might be into you.

    On the other hand, be friends, you never know, sometimes friendships grow.
     
  4. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    This. Sorry dude...

    I don't know how you went about the conversation, but if you aren't into platonic chit-chat you can save time and make it fairly obvious from the get-go that you're attracted to her and want more. If she gets the message, she can either tell you right away, "sorry, I'm not looking for that kind of company," (in which case you can go like "right, well, I respect that. So who do you think I'd have a chance with in this dump?") or "sorry, I'm actually taken," or she doesn't say anythng because she's evil and really just wants to bask under your admiration and then leave you hanging dry after she's had her ego boost.

    Actually, I don't think I'm the best of advisors in this matter. When I went clubbing or bars as single, I just went there to score. When I've been taken, I just tell it right away. It might be a bit egotistical of me to think every guy who comes to talk to you in a bar is trying to chat you up but... Even if I was wrong, it's no biggie.

    Friendships with girls are fine, and can, indeed, lead to something more. Just be careful you don't become their intellectual whore.
     
  5. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    I ditto this too.

    A friendship can, and sometimes has bloomed into something else, so I'd still remain friends. I don't generally have the 'just looking for platonic' problem, and generally speaking most of my relationships with women have started with some kind of give and take, even if it's just something simple like making time for you.

    I'm in the dating game right now too, and I'm not fantastic at it I must admit. Actually I've been asked out by women more times than I've asked women out, but trying one of those free online dating sites can be a big help. Even if it just a boost to the old ego.
     
  6. jazzabel
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    jazzabel Contributing Member Contributor

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    Just be yourself, never compromise on that. If a woman ends up saying she only wants a platonic relationship, that's her choice. There's nothing you can do to persuade her or avoid that kind of reply (if that's what the girl is feeling). Instead, value the fact you are a great friend. The best husband materials are excellent friends, so even if you don't have a plethora of girlfriends right now, doesn't mean you won't be very happy in a long-term relationship, or several, one day. And if you really just want sex, or a fling, like T. said, make that clear from the outset. The problem is that unless you are really suave, which not many guys are, you might not be able to get your 'first choice' often. Girls are instinctivelly tuned in to being treated like 'prey' so unless you have really strong confidence to back it, most girls will respond negatively to overt sexual advances.

    Guys who are more friends than lovers (figuratively speaking) do a lot better when they relax and pursue hobbies, friendships, interests. If you like rock climbing, or running, or poetry, or cooking, flea markets, comic cons, whatever, there you will get to meet like-minded girls who just might give you a chance where an anonymous girl in a bar won't. Good luck! :)
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2014
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  7. Mackers
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    Mackers Contributing Member

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    Have you been on many dates so far? :D Spill the beans
     
  8. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    Three this year, none of which I've asked for. :p Meeting a girl next weekend for drinks too, she asked me.

    I do ask girls out, have in the past. And I'm not the type of boy to let the girl pay for the meal too. Honest. :D
     
  9. Mackers
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    Mackers Contributing Member

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    Nice one...3 dates in the space of a couple of months, I'd consider that going well :) Don't think I'd fancy going for a meal on a first date, would be too awkward for me...What if you don't get on with your date? That would be cringe worthy for me beyond belief. Drinks would always be the safer option lol..

    I signed up to that POF website recently for a bit of craic :D
     
  10. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    If you run fast enough you don't have to pay. :D But nah, I like to meet for coffee or something before the date, the 'date' is often a more ... official thing I guess you could say. That's how it usually goes for me anyway.

    And I recently signed up to OkCupid for a laugh. I heard from a friend that the questions the site asks you to get a 'personality type' thing going are fantastically stupid. As it turns out, that friend is absolutely right! But also I've met a few people on there I quite like.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2014
  11. Link the Writer
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    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

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    Never had a girlfriend, but I agree with jazzabel. If a woman just wants a platonic relationship, then respect her choice. All I can give you is advice you've probably already heard: a relationship should be about compromise for both sides, not one side forcing the other to do things.
     
  12. T.Trian
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    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Staff Supporter Contributor

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    That was actually Kat :D But this is what I got to say:

    Yeah, I encountered a lot of that when I was younger and more inexperienced. Through trial and error I learned how not to always end up in the friendzone and there are a few things that kinda vary depending on what you're after:


    Dating Tips by T.Trian :D Note that these aren't the way, just a way; I'm no expert, but playing in rock bands does expose you to certain kinds of environments where you're bound to gain some knowhow.

    1. If you want sex and perhaps something more
    Never be yourself. Sure, be yourself in a very broad, general sense, but you cannot, you simply cannot dump all your eccentricities and quirks (we all have them) on the girl you've just met or you'll scare her off. Especially if you're just looking for a one-nighter or friends with benefits.

    Another important thing is, as has been already mentioned, making your intentions clear (but without suffocating the poor girl).
    One thing that I honestly don't really understand but found out to be true (at least around here) is that physical contact is absolutely crucial from the get-go. If you're shy at first and keep your distance, you'll be friendzoned so fast it'll make your head spin.

    No, I don't mean gluing yourself to her straight away, but touching her arm while asking if she'd like another drink, putting a hand on her back while you're heading to the dance floor, helping her jacket on / off, hugging her when you part ways etc. always produced a 'yes' or a 'no' which is exactly what you want: you do not want to be left in a limbo, with no idea whether she wants just a friend or something more.
    As I said, I don't know why it goes like this, but seemingly it does (maybe it shows confidence or something). If the girl isn't interested, she'll make it clear to you if you touch her (either verbally or by the way she behaves: if she shrinks away from you or looks sour when you touch her, back off right away, end the conversation tactfully, and move on; it's best for both of you if you don't waste yours or her time if she's not interested).

    If she's into you, she won't mind that you touch her. If she isn't shy, she'll even touch you back (hug you, sit close enough that your thighs are touching, lean her head on your shoulder when you put your arm around her shoulders etc). Granted, some girls do that even with their male friends, but usually in the bar context and among strangers, that's a sign of attraction.

    That's when you have a pretty good chance of taking it further than just friendship unless you blow it verbally by either boring her, freaking her out, or by generally acting like a jerk. You just gotta get a feel for it, for reading women and their reactions: if she's wild, you can't expect her to be interested in your stamp collection (unless she's an exception, but do you really want to risk it?) or if she's shy, maybe sex isn't the best possible subject of conversation. You get the picture.
    For me, it took a while to learn to "read" these situations, but it's kinda like sparring in boxing: the more you do it, the better your eye gets at spotting the slight nuances and non-verbal signals (women seem to use these a lot more than guys and since they're not such a big part of guy-guy interaction, it can take a while to grasp them). Of course you still mess up sometimes, but that's okay; if you get the cold shoulder, be polite about it, but move on. If a girl isn't into you, chances are, nothing you say will change her mind (unless you reveal that you're actually a hugely rich celebrity she just hasn't heard of :D).


    2. If you want something more and perhaps sex
    Here it's a bit more important to be yourself because if you keep up an act, you'll end up in a situation where she thinks you're someone you're not and you definitely don't want that. However, you still gotta hide the crazy at first and reveal your personal oddities in bits and pieces over a longer period. I know I would've scared off my wife if I acted on our first date like I do now, but since she now knows I'm not a psychotic murderer, it's okay for me to talk about martial arts, guns, and whatnot.

    Those who are honestly interested in you tend to compliment you (your looks, your skills / hobbies etc) and they ask you lots of questions ('cause they want to get to know you). If the girl just sits there quietly and resorts to one-syllable answers, chances are, you're wasting your time.

    I'd round this up by saying be prepared for lots of trial and error, lots of rejections, but also lots of wonderful memories ;)
     
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  13. jazzabel
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    jazzabel Contributing Member Contributor

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    Lol, sorry @KaTrian and @T.Trian your nicknames are so similar and both of you are on your avatar pictures, I get confused :D

    ps. Just read your entire comment, wise words indeed, especially about the touching. But another thing caught my eye. You assumed when I said 'be yourself' that I mean dump the crazy straight away. I wonder if this is another nuance that differentiates male and female pov. Most women assume that crazy-dumping is a no-no, heck, some of us (in the past mainly) never let a man see us without makeup, let alone on the toilet or farting or see the whole truth straight away. Guys, on the other hand, seem a bit more accepting of themselves. :D

    I meant, don't pretend to be someone you're not. Only the best of actors can pull this off, others simply come across as desperate.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2014
  14. T.Trian
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    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Staff Supporter Contributor

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    @jazzabel, no worries, we get that all the time :D
     
  15. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Most guys know not to divulge the dirt reel that is running between their ears, though :D

    As for the topic, I could add that in my experience, if a guy has complimented my looks -- unless they've been taken, though I don't think this has really happened, can't remember -- they've had more romantic designs, so it can be one way to signal to the girl that you're interested in more than being just buddies. Sure, some women could freak out, I guess, like humanities students who think complimenting looks means demeaning sexual objectification, but... you might not want to be with a girl like that anyway :p
     
  16. Bryan Romer
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    Bryan Romer Contributing Member Contributor

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    I rejected the concept of romance and marriage around puberty, so this has never been a problem for me. So dates - zero and happy about it, and I'm well past middle age.
     
  17. T.Trian
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    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Sorry, that's my bad (worded badly): I should've specified that I didn't actually think you meant for people to dump all the crazy on some unsuspecting stranger they just met; I just wanted to elaborate on the whole "be yourself" vs. "put on an act" -thing and also to bring up the notion that sometimes a bit of an act mixed with your own personality can be a good idea (e.g. when looking for one-nighters where talking is in a minimal role anyway). :) Say, 75% yourself and 25% acting. After all, the best lies are mixed with truth. ;)

    And totally agree on the acting thing. Of course, there's another side to that coint as well: if you're a shy guy, in the beginning when you lack confidence, you kinda have to act confident even when you don't feel it. Hell, even when I had experience and knew how to play the game successfully, sometimes I got nervous, but that's when you put on your brave face and dive in headfirst.

    Now that I think about it, it's kinda similar to bar fights: every cell in your body is telling you to bugger off or freeze, but if that's not an option, you just gotta tough it out, act confident, and take care of things.

    I'm just glad girls can't see inside my head and not only because of all the dirt: when I first met @KaTrian, I was terrified, thinking there was no way in hell I'd ever get a girl that hot and that I'd surely screw things up with her. :D Luckily my bluff held long enough and perhaps she was just nervous enough to miss some of the tell-tales. :p
     
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  18. jannert
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    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    Speaking for myself, (my younger self!) I would NEVER tell a guy whom I remotely fancied, that I only wanted a platonic friendship. Trust me, if she said that, she does only want a platonic friendship. Nice that she's open and honest about it, and obviously doesn't want to lead you up the garden path.

    If you would like a platonic friendship with her, by all means let it develop. But don't waste weeks, months or years of your life 'hoping' that this platonic friendship will 'grow' into something else. If a platonic relationship starts out in a more natural and undefined fashion, sometimes they do grow into romance—but this is straightforward stuff. She's basically telling you you're not her type. You need to believe that. You also need to not let it affect your ego. You'll be fine for somebody else. Just relax and let things happen.

    A corrollary ...it took me many years to get it into my thick head, that when guys (whom I'd been dating and having sex with) told me (apologetically) that they weren't really ready for a serious relationship ...that I needed to BELIEVE THEM.

    Or rather, believe the fact that they didn't want one with me.

    Those guys are real time-wasters. They pat themselves on the back that they're being honest, which they are, but they will continue to see you—sometimes exclusively—until they meet somebody else, and suddenly ...hey, they ARE ready for a serious relationship after all! Whaddaya know?

    I'm not saying avoid these guys/girls. You can have a lot of fun with them, and remain friends afterwards, but just remember they're not being coy or genuinely unsure of themselves. They're telling you they're waiting for something better to come along. And it will.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2014
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  19. thirdwind
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    thirdwind Contributing Member Contest Administrator Reviewer Contributor

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    What she said: "I'm only looking for platonic right now."
    What you should have said: "Platonic with benefits?"
     
  20. GingerCoffee
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    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

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    I agree but I did feel that way about a guy once and a year later driving back to Colorado from Mardi Gras for no explicable reason that I know, my attraction changed. We didn't become partners but we did have good sex for a short time.
     
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  21. jannert
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    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    Well, I would never say never, but it so often happens the other way around. You can hang around for YEARS waiting for the attitude to change, and it never does. Best to get it out into the open right away, if you're sure.

    Of course if you change your mind later on, you can tell them so! But if they've moved on, because of what you said before—well that's the breaks.

    There's also the variant "I'm attracted to you, but I've just come out of a bad relationship, so can we just start slow? Just see how it goes?" That keeps things from getting too hot too fast, but also keeps the doors wide open.
     
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  22. T.Trian
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    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Staff Supporter Contributor

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    That does happen sometimes or, alternatively, if a guy and a girl have been platonic friends and if one of the nights they get drunk together, they're bored and horny, things might happen (a couple I knew hooked up like that), but it's usually not a smart move to actually expect that (or what happened in your case) to happen 'cause more often than not it doesn't.

    Of course sometimes things can go from platonic to sex if one party changes a lot into the direction the other likes, e.g. loses a lot of weight / gets fit if they were unfit and overweight before (or they change in some other way, e.g. changes styles radically) and that was what kept the other party from being physically attracted to them but in my experience, that, too, is pretty rare.
     
  23. Hubardo
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    Hubardo Contributing Member Contributor

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    That's the thing that bothers me. I realize that if I do just want sex I have to put on this mask and go about this ingenuine performance. It's a game I don't think I'll ever be good at playing because it seems like you're being deliberately manipulative and deceptive in order to take advantage of someone who you don't actually care about as a human being. That's basically what I consider exploitation. Of course, with two consenting adults, there's nothing exploitive about it - I understand that. But that's how it feels to me. Yucky. Yet at the same time I want the intimacy so I'm sort of interested in learning to play the game better. Just don't know if my ego can handle all the rejection I know I'll run into.
     
  24. edamame
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    edamame Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'd just like to say if she's just met you, I wouldn't take her wanting to be platonic to absolutely mean she's not attracted to you specifically. She might very well have been in a recent breakup or genuinely might not be looking for romance -- she might not be attracted to anyone.

    I'd suggest going to an event where people are specifically looking to date, like a mixer. Women will be looking at you without the platonic label in their minds first.
     
  25. MLM
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    MLM Banned for trolling

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    Good point. edamame. Even at bars, known pick up places, you never know what is actually going on in peoples' minds or what their intentions are, so you should take what they say at face value. "Looking for platonic" means "Looking for platonic" as far as you know. At a mixer, some of your intention is expressed by being there. A little more straight forward if you just want to get down to business.
     

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