1. Lifeline
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    Lifeline The Dark - not in Wonderland Supporter Contributor

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    Military jokes

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Lifeline, Jun 10, 2016.

    Just hilarious :rofl:

    Reaction to Snakes
    • Civilian: Runs away from the snake screaming.
    • Paratrooper: Lands on and kills the snake.
    • Armor: runs over snake, giggles, and looks for more snakes.
    • Infantry: "Look, a putty cat. Come 'ere kitty....Ouch! Hey, that's not a putty tat."
    • Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake. Can't find snake. Back to base for crew rest and the club and some sort of drink called "The Snake."
    • Ranger: Plays with the snake, then eats it.
    Used tank for road rage cartoon • 2nd Ranger: Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.
    • MI: analyzes all available intelligence and national asset input on the reptilian situation; reports sighting of Godzilla to National Command Authority.
    • JAG: Advises the snake on the rules of engagement and the law of war as it pertains to the snake and its defensive posture.
    • Quartermaster: Captures snake and applies a National Stock Number (NSN) to it. Implements a Found On Installation (FOI) procedure and picks up snake on property book. Has company commander sign hand receipt for "Snake, Green, One Each," as non-expendable unit property.
    • Chemical Corps: Starts to gas the little booger, but then realizes that there is an M-18, A-2 Respirator especially made for snakes, remembers the Chemical Corps Motto, "UTRWBAG" (Up Their Rear With Bugs and Gas), and conducts three experiments on it that have been strictly prohibited by the Clinton Treaty of 1999.
    • Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition, several grenades and calls for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then retreats to safety.
    • Artillery: Kills snake, but in the process kills several hundred civilians with a massive TOT with three FA BDEs in support. Mission is considered a success and all participants (cooks, mechanics, clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
    • Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost.
    • Pathfinder: Guides the snake elsewhere.
    • AF Fighter Pilot: Mis-identifies the snake as a Russian HIND helicopter and engages it with missiles. Crew chief paints a snake on airplane.
    • AF Pararescue: Wounds the snake in first encounter, then feverishly works to save the snake's life.
    • Green Beret: Makes contact with the snake, builds rapport, wins its heart and mind, then trains it to kill other snakes.
     
  2. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    Where cushions are comfy, and straps hold firm.
    Gonna have to by the book for mine. :supergrin:
     
  3. Raven484
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    Raven484 Contributing Member

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    An admiral from the Navy, a general from the Army, Marines, and Air Force were playing poker one night and got into an argument about which branch of service had the most balls. The Air Force general invited them to his base the next day to show them.
    At the base, the four men entered an aircraft control tower. The Air Force general then ordered one of the pilots to crash his plane. The pilot said, "Yes sir!" And nose dived his plane. Just before impact, the pilot jettisoned himself and parachuted to safety as the plane crashed. The Air Force general then looked at the other three men and said, "Now that's balls gentlemen." The Army general laughed real loud and invited the men to his base the next day to see real balls.
    At the Army base, the general took the men to a live fire drill. At the site, he then commanded one of the privates to storm one of the machine gun bunkers firing on them. The private screamed, "Sir, yes sir!" And proceeded to storm the machine gun nest. Bullets tore him to pieces before he got 5 feet ahead. The general looked back at the other and said, "Now that's balls gentlemen." The marine general laughed loudly and invited them to his base the next day to see real balls.
    The next day at the marine base, the general stopped a random private in full combat gear. "Solder, I want you to run 20 yards north and then stop. I then want you to pull one of your grenades out and pull the pin. Drop it at your feet and let it explode." The solder replied, "Sir, yes sir." As he turned and started to run north. When he stopped, he pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin and dropped it at his feet. After a few seconds the grenade exploded killing the marine. The general turned to the others and said, "now that's balls Gentlemen." The admiral from the navy laughed and then invited them down to the piers the next day to see real balls.
    The next day at the pier the admiral escorted the others to the top deck of one of destroyers that was in port. Arriving on the top deck the admiral looked up and saw a Semen recruit painting the main mast about 200 feet above them. The admiral shouted to the Semen, "Semen recruit, this is admiral Mitchell, I want you to unhook your safety harness and jump down here immediately."
    The semen paused at the order. Finally he looked down at the admiral and gave him the middle finger. "Go fuck yourself Admiral!" He screamed.
    The admiral turned to the other three men and smiled. "Now that's balls gentlemen," he laughed, "that's Balls!"
     
  4. Lifeline
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    Lifeline The Dark - not in Wonderland Supporter Contributor

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    • Aim towards the Enemy.
    • When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend.
    • Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
    • Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
    • Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
    • If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush.
    • If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
    • Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
    • No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.
    • Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
    • If the enemy is in range, so are you.
    • Tracers work both ways.
    • Five second fuses only last three seconds.
    • Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
    • The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
    • Incoming fire has the right of way.
    • The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
    • If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
    • And never tell your Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
     
  5. Iain Aschendale
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    Iain Aschendale Contributed Member Contributor

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    I can't take credit, so I'll just link to Skippy's List
     
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  6. Iain Aschendale
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    Iain Aschendale Contributed Member Contributor

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    Muscles Are Required, Intelligence Not Essential
    yoU Signed the Mother****ing Contract
    yoU Suckers Missed Christmas

    Never Again Volunteer Yourself

    Uncle Sam Ain't Released Me Yet

    Army MOS's (should that apostrophe be there?)
    11Bangbang
    69H

    Marine MOSs (it looks better the first way)
    1369
    267-11 (not completely comfortable listing this...)
    26666

    That's what I've got for now.
     
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  7. zoupskim
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    zoupskim Contributing Member Contributor

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    Inside jokes?

    -His boots, her stupid sticker.
    -'Gunny' time.
    -Shut up and color.
    -Lance Corporal don't know.
    -Grandma Davis.
    -Corporal don't know.
    -It would behoove you.
    -Sergeant don't know.
    -Tender, like your volume.
    -I need an adult.
    -Nagget.
    -Stop listening.
    -Help help, I'm being hazed.
    -MARSOCks.
    -Learnitude.
    -Sharpen your skates.
    -Captain don't know.
    -Engaging knife-hand.
    -Laser knife-hand.
    -Junior Enlisted Warrior.
    -Senior Enlisted X-pert.
    -Rocker blocker.
    -Sharking.
    -Time Recruit.
     
  8. Lifeline
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    Lifeline The Dark - not in Wonderland Supporter Contributor

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    Okay, I really need an intro here. PM?? Pleeeeease? :D
     
  9. Iain Aschendale
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    Iain Aschendale Contributed Member Contributor

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    I got most of those, but it's been a long time, may have forgotten some and some may be new.

    Walking under doors.
    Stand on dime to see over a quarter.
    Sniper check, sir!
    Immediate action drill: Fire stick no bang-bang! Fix fire stick now!
     
  10. Lifeline
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    Lifeline The Dark - not in Wonderland Supporter Contributor

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    Sorry, I don't ;) never been in. Same question, PM? If you please?? :D
     
  11. Iain Aschendale
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    Iain Aschendale Contributed Member Contributor

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    No reason not to put it in an open thread. When you're getting towards the end of your service, you are "short". So short you can walk under doors. So short you need to stand on a dime (the thinnest US coin) to see over quarter (a thicker coin).

    When you are in a combat situation, or training for one in the field, you don't salute officers, since that would let enemy snipers know who's in charge, thus who to kill first to cause chaos among your forces. Thus, in training, troops will occasionally salute their officers with the greeting of "Sniper check, sir" meaning "I'm trying to get you killed". Generally all in fun.

    Generally.

    Last one. The Marines have an acronym for when their rifle stops functioning: SPORT Fire.
    Slap the magazine
    Pull the charging handle to the rear
    Observe for ejecting round
    Release the charging handle
    Tap the forward assist
    Aim and attempt to

    Fire

    A number of us thought this was too complex, so we fixed it.
     
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  12. Iain Aschendale
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    Iain Aschendale Contributed Member Contributor

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    There's nothing more accurate than incoming friendly fire.


    Ah, more in-jokes.

    An India Delta Ten Tango form
    Bravo Alpha Eleven Hundred November for the radio
    Sending the new guy around after a power outage to collect data for the EMHO* report:
    1 Size
    2 Duration
    3 Intensity
    4 Action taken to remediate Y/N?
     
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  13. Mumble Bee
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    Mumble Bee The writer formerly known as Chained. Contributor

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    Blinker Fluid, Exhaust samples,

    My favorite, "Hey PVT, go ask the Platoon Sgt for a Pricky7." (Prick E7, e7 is generally the pay grade of a SFC)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 16, 2016
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  14. Lifeline
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    Lifeline The Dark - not in Wonderland Supporter Contributor

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    Thanks guys :D makes much more sense now!
     
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  15. zoupskim
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    zoupskim Contributing Member Contributor

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    -His boots, her stupid sticker. A bumper sticker common on military bases making fun of the spouse bumper stickers that read "His boots, her flip-flops.

    -'Gunny' time. The fifteen to forty-five minutes before a formation where the NCO gets accountability, before the commanding officer gets accountability, before the actual formation.

    -Shut up and color. When a Marine asks too many questions about a task or piece of information, and his superiors are tired of answering him.

    -Lance Corporal don't know. A phrase used by said rank to indicate that they don't actually know what is going on at that moment.

    -Grandma Davis. A derogatory term meant for any commanding officer who comes across as weak, meek, or 'dovish' in views.

    -Corporal don't know. A phrase used by said rank to indicate that they don't actually know what is going on at that moment.

    -It would behoove you. A phrase used by nearly every NCO, used to hint at implied tasks subordinates should know to carry out. Ex. "It would behoove you to study."

    -Sergeant don't know. A phrase used by said rank to indicate that they don't actually know what is going on at that moment.

    -Tender, like your volume. The answer to a trick question, used to indicate a Marine is too quiet. Ex. "My foot is Tender from that run. Like your volume"

    -I need an adult. A phrase originating from a Family Guy episode, but used commonly by Marines to indicate that they have stumbled onto a discussion or task they believe is beyond their level of responsibility.

    -Nagget. A combination of racist, homophobic, and military derogatory terms. Maggot is one. I don't want to say the rest.

    -Stop listening. When two higher ranking or higher billeted Marines are talking, a junior Marine is present, and for whatever reason is unable to leave the room.

    -Help help, I'm being hazed. Said in a joking manner when a Marine is getting picked on. Derived from Monty Python when Arthur 'represses' the peasant Dennis.

    -MARSOCks. A joke on how MARSOC, now Raiders, wear and use completely different gear, with the joke being 'Even their socks are operator.'

    -Learnitude. When in a class, the instructor believes the students are actually learning, they are at the right "learnitude."

    -Sharpen your skates. A code phrase meaning "We don't have anything to do today, but I can't just let you go home, so stay away from the office and play video games.

    -Captain don't know. A phrase used by said rank to indicate that they don't actually know what is going on at that moment.

    -Engaging knife-hand. A joke referencing the illegality of 'knife hands', as they are now considered hazing. By saying 'engaging' you are giving the recipient of the knife hand a warning before 'knifing' them.

    -Laser knife-hand. Directing a knife hand at an actual discrepancy, such as an undone button, as opposed to simply aiming it at the Marine himself.

    -Junior Enlisted Warrior. Long version of JEW. A term meaning new Marine, used in place of boot. Boot is now considered a derogatory name, and therefore hazing.

    -Senior Enlisted X-pert. Long version of SEX. A term meaning a Lance Corporal who has more experience and time in grade than newly minted Lance Corporals, since using titles to differentiate Marines of the same rank from each other, based on experience, is considered hazing.

    -Rocker blocker. A term used for a purposefully talky, or 'messed up' Marine sent by his peers to engage in conversation with a senior NCO, who usually have larger 'rocker' ranks, with the intent of delaying or destracting the NCO from other Marine's engaged in less than favorable behavior. Ex. Sending a marine to distract a Sergeant on his way to inspect something, delaying the inspection for more work to be done.

    -Sharking. Unique to Parris Island enlisted boot camp. The act of multiple Drill Instructors Ganging up on one recruit who has messed up, resulting on the recruit being literally surrounded on every side by screaming, knife handing NCOs.

    -Time Recruit. Unique to Parris Island enlisted boot camp. A recruit carefully selected for his guile and sneakiness by his classmates, who will try to get a peek at a Drill Instructor's watch, often risking being "Sharked" or knife handed, as recruits are not allowed to have watches and do not know what time it is unless told.
     
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  16. Iain Aschendale
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    Iain Aschendale Contributed Member Contributor

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    Wait, "boot" is hazing? We got screamed at by our Gunny for referring to boots as NUGs or Nuggets (supposedly New Ugly Guy?). "The correct Marine Corps terminology is BOOT, you f^&(ing boots!"

    I'm feeling this creepy urge to say "Back in t-" NO, NO! I WON'T SAY IT!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME, CHESTY, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!
     
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  17. Lifeline
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    Lifeline The Dark - not in Wonderland Supporter Contributor

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    :agreed: I can't say it enough. THANKS guys! :agreed:
     
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  18. Wayjor Frippery
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    Wayjor Frippery Contributing Member

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    The Gurkhas – badass Nepalese knife-wielding guys who have units in the Nepalese, British and Indian armies.

    If a man says he's not afraid of dying, he's either lying or he's a Gurkha.

    --------

    'I wonder if you chaps would be prepared to advance to contact by jumping from a C130 Hercules transport plane?' asks a British colonel.

    'Give me a day, sir. I talk with men. Tell you tomorrow,' says the Gurkha sergeant.

    Colonel raises an eyebrow but nods his consent.

    Tomorrow comes...

    'Okay, colonel, we jump. But we jump over marshy ground with aeroplane at no more than one hundred feet.'

    Colonel raises the other eyebrow. 'Come now, sergeant, at a hundred feet the parachutes won't work.'

    'Parachutes?' says the Gurkha. 'You never mention parachutes!'
     
  19. Lifeline
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    Lifeline The Dark - not in Wonderland Supporter Contributor

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    Rules of Combat

    USMC
    1. Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.
    2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
    3. Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
    4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly.
    5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
    6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weaponand a friend with a big weapon.
    7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.
    8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
    9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.
    10. Use a weapon that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
    11. Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
    12. In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
    13. Have a plan.
    14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
    15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon.
    16. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
    17. Don't drop your guard.
    18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
    19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
    20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
    21. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
    22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
    23. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
    24. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
    25. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4."
    Army
    1. See USMC Rules for combat
    2. Add 60 to 90 days
    3. Hope the Marines already destroyed all meaningful resistance
    Navy
    1. Spend three weeks getting somewhere
    2. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture
    3. Send in the Marines
    4. Drink Coffee
    5. Bring back the Marines
    Air Force
    1. Kiss the spouse good-bye
    2. Drive to the flight line
    3. Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back.
    4. Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys
    5. Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer
     
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  20. Lifeline
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    Lifeline The Dark - not in Wonderland Supporter Contributor

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    Murphy’s Laws of Combat
    Soldiers and Armies
    1. You are not Superman.
    2. Professionals' are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
    3. No combat ready unit has passed inspection.
    4. No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
    5. The side with the fanciest uniforms loses.
    6. Murphy was a grunt.
    Battle
    1. If you are short everything except enemy, you're in combat.
    2. When both sides are convinced they are about to lose, they're both right.
    Planning
    1. The important things are simple.
    2. The simple things are very hard.
    3. No plan survives the first contact intact.
    4. Prefect plans aren't.
    Tactics
    1. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
    2. Never draw fire, it makes everyone around you nervous.
    3. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
    4. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
    5. Anything you can do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
    6. If the enemy is in range, "SO ARE YOU!!!"
    7. If you can't see the enemy, he still may be able to see you.
    Techniques
    1. If it's stupid but works, it's not stupid.
    2. When in doubt, empty the magazine.
    3. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
    4. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
    5. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
    6. The easy way is always mined.
    7. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
    8. Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy other' to shoot at.
    9. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you can't get out.
    10. The only terrain that is truly controlled is the terrain upon which you're standing.
    11. The easy way generally gets you killed.
    12. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share objectives to take.
    13. You can win without fighting, but it's a lot tougher to do. And the enemy may not cooperate.
    Weapons
    1. Always keep in mind that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
    2. The law of the bayonet says the man with the bullet wins.
    3. Tracers work both ways.
    4. The best tank killer is another tank. Therefore tanks are always fighting each other... and have no time to help the infantry.
    5. Armored vehicles are bullet magnets, a moving foxhole that attracts attention.
    6. All five second grenades are three seconds.
    7. The bursting radius of a grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
    8. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed towards YOU.
    9. Recoilless rifles, aren't.
    Artillery and Bombing
    1. Suppressive fire, won't.
    2. Final protective fire doesn't.
    3. Friendly fire, isn't.
    4. Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
    5. Incoming fire has the right-of-way.
    6. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
    7. If you are forward of your position, artillery will fall short.
    8. All-weather close support doesn't work in bad weather.
    9. Precision bombing is normally accurate within plus/minus one mile.
    10. Cluster bombing from B-52s and C-130s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
    Supply
    1. Murphy was a logistician.
    2. Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.
    3. Radios will fail as soon as you need something desperately.
    4. Beer math is "2 beers x 37 men = 49 cases."
    Intelligence
    1. Body count math is: two guerrillas plus one portable plus two pigs=37 enemy in action.
    2. The enemy side always looks stronger, especially when they are firing at you, to both sides.
    3. The other sides weapons always seem to look better than you own.
    4. The noisiest weapons always appear to the most powerful.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2016
  21. Lifeline
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    Lifeline The Dark - not in Wonderland Supporter Contributor

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    I think I have googled for the wrong phrase :D

    found on http://www.murphys-laws.com/murphy/murphy-war.html
    -----------------------------

    Murphy's war law
    • Friendly fire - isn't.
    • Recoilless rifles - aren't.
    • Suppressive fires - won't.
    • You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
    • A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
    • If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
    • Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
    • If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
    • If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
    • Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
    • Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
    • Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
    • If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
    • The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
    • The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
      when they're ready.
      when you're not.
    • No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
    • There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
    • Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
    • There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
    • A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
      The Ol' Ranger's addendum:
      Or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush!
    • The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
    • The easy way is always mined.
    • Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
    • Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
    • Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
    • If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
    • When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
    • Incoming fire has the right of way.
    • No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
    • No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
    • If the enemy is within range, so are you.
    • The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
    • Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
    • Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
    • Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
    • Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
    • Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
    • Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
    • Tracers work both ways.
    • If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
    • When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
    • Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
    • Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
    • Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
    • Weather ain't neutral.
    • If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.
    • Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
    • 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
    • The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
    • Napalm is an area support weapon.
    • Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
    • B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
    • Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
    • Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
    • The one item you need is always in short supply.
    • Interchangeable parts aren't.
    • It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
    • When in doubt, empty your magazine.
    • The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
    • Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
    • If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
    • Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
    • The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
    • Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
    • Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
    • The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
    • One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
    • A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
    • The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
    • Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
    • The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
    • The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
    • Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
    • No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
    • If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
    • For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
    • Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
    • When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
    • Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
    • The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
    • To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
    • The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
    • The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
    • When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
    • The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
    • A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
    • Murphy was a grunt.
    • Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
    • Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
    • The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
    • All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
    • The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
    • The crucial round is a dud.
    • Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
    • There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
    • Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
    • If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
    • If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
    • If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
    • Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
    • Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
    • The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
    • The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
    • There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
    • Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
    • The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
    • Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
    • As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
    • Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
    • The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
    • Walking point = sniper bait.
    • Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
    • If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
    • No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
    • The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
    • The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
    • The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
    • If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
    • The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
    • If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
    • The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
    • There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
    • Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
    • If see you, so can the enemy.
    • All or any of the above combined.
    • Avoid loud noises, there are few silent killers in a combat zone.
    • Never screw over a buddy; you'll never know when he could save your life.
    • Never expect any rations; the only rations that will be on time and won't be short is the ration ofshit.
    • Respect all religions in a combat zone, take no chances on where you may go if killed.
    • A half filled canteens a beacon for a full loaded enemy weapon.
    • When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.
    • It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo.
    • If you survive an ambush, something's wrong.
    • Some General last words (as his aides tried to get him to get his head down):
      "What! what! men, dodging this way for single bullets! What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I am ashamed of you. They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
      The General was General John Sedgwick, said on May 9, 1864 at the Battle of Spotsylvania.
    • If you can see the flashes from the enemies' guns in battle, he can see yours too.
    • Flashlights, lighters and matches don't just illuminate the surrounding area; they illuminate you too.
    • Just because you have nearly impenetrable body armor and a hard-ass Kevlar helmet, doesn't mean you don't have exposed areas.
    • There are few times when the enemy can't hear you: When he's dead, you're dead, or both.
      Addendum: When he's not there, when you're not there, or both.
    • Never cover a dead body with your own in hopes of looking like you're one of the casualties. Even using his cadaver is a stretch to avoid being shot "just in case."
    • You're only better than your enemy if you kill him first.
    • Complain about the rations all you want, but just remember; they could very well be your last meal.
    • Never underestimate the ability of the brass to foul things up.
    • You have two mortal enemies in combat; the opposing side and your own rear services.
    • You think the enemy has better artillery support and the enemy thinks yours is better; you're both right.
    • Three things you will never see in combat; hot chow, hot showers, and an uninterrupted night's sleep.
    • "Live" and "Hero" are mutually exclusive terms.
    • Don't be a hero
    • Once you are in the fight it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
    • NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition that the other guy.
    • Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover for you.
    • Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
    • Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough.
    • If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
    • If you are wearing body armor they will probably miss that part.
    • Happiness is a belt fed weapon.
    • Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative...
    • If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.
    • Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have little pieces of fish in them.
    • A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
    • Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
    • Being shot hurts.
    • Thousands of Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
    • There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules.
    • C-4 can make a dull day fun.
    • There is no such thing as a fair fight -- only ones where you win or lose.
    • If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
    • Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing -- NOW -- to solve our problem.
    • Always make sure someone has a can opener.
    • Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.
    • Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac even if it is, technically, a form of flying.
    • If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.
    • Carrying any weapon that you weren't issued (e.g, an AK) in combat is Not A Good Idea!
      A combat vet will know the sound of an unfamiliar weapon in an instant and will point and shoot.
      Not only that, AKs use green tracers which mean "shoot 'em all and let God sort them out".
      As has been noted, "Friendly fire isn't!"
    • When the going gets tough, the tough go cyclic.
    • Military Intelligence is not a contradiction in terms, "Light Infantry" is!
    • Proximity factor: The need for relief is directly related to the distance of the relief station.
    • Always keep one bullet in the chamber when changing your magazine.
    • In peacetime people say, "War is Hell". In combat, under fire from artillery, airplanes, or whatever, a soldier thinks, "War is really really really LOUD as Hell!!!".
    • f you can think clearly, know exactly what's happening, and have total control of a situation in combat, then you're not in combat.
    • When you get the coveted 1,000 yard stare, don't forget about the enemy who is 30 yards away and about to pop your ass.
    • Stay away from officers in combat, they're clever decoys for noncoms.
    • If you think you don't need something for your combat load for an OP PLAN, you'll probably wish you had it after the shit hits the fan in combat.
    • Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
    • Failure of plan A will directly affect your ability to carry out plan B.
    • If you drop a soldier in the middle of a desert with a rock, a hammer, and an anvil, tell him not to touch any of it, and come back two hours later, the anvil will be broken. "Because soldiers gotta fuck with shit". (quoted from an Officer during an interview in which the Officer was asked why barrels were thickened on the M-16A2).
    • War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
    • Lackland's Laws:
      1. Never be first.
      2. Never be last.
      3. Never volunteer for anythin
    • An escaping soldier can be used again.
    • If you think you'll die, don't worry you won't.
    • Near death, but still a live? There is nothing wrong with physics. God doesn't like you.
    • It is better to be lucky than good in the battlefield.
    • If it's worth fighting for...it's worth fighting dirty for.
    • if god wanted boots to be comfortable he would have designed them like running shoes.
    • If you survive the extraordinary things, it will often be the little things that will kill you.
    • Give an order, then change the order, will get you disorder.
    • You never have fire support in heavy firefight but you always have it on a silent recon mission
    • Revision to Marine Corp. Motto "If it makes sense, we won't do it".
    • The only thing more dangerous to you than the enemy, is your allies
    • Night vision - isn't
    • When you need CAS, they'll be on last weeks radio fill and you won't be able to reach them
    • When you need Apache's, they'll be busy escorting the generals bird around
    • Supply & Demand law
      Whatever you have, you won't need; whatever you need, you won't have.
    • Leadership law
      If it was risky, it worked and no one got hurt: you were brilliant
      If it was risky, it worked and someone got hurt; you were courageous
      If it was risky, it didn't work and no one got hurt; you were lucky
      If it was risky, it didn't work and someone got hurt; you were stupid (and probably dead)
    • The best sniper position is always the hardest to reach
    • Snakes aren't neutral
    • When you need to use the bathroom - the enemy is watching your position
    • Never trust a private that says "don't worry I learned this is in basic".
    • When your warrant starts to laugh and says "watch this" LEAVE.
    • Bring extra rations when you hear the lieutenant is leading the recce patrol.
    • Everything you packed for the field is everything you don't need, and everything you need is at your FOB.
    • Be prepared to go defensive when your vehicle breaks down until support arrives.
    • Your vehicle is a civilian car painted tan, with less security features.
    Laws of War for Helicopters
    • Helicopter tail rotors are naturally drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc.
      While it may be possible to ward off this event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented.
      It's just what they do.
    • The engine RPM and the rotor RPM must BOTH be kept in the GREEN.
      Failure to heed this commandment can adversely affect the morale of the crew.
    • The terms Protective Armor and Helicopter are mutually exclusive.
    • "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
    • The BSR (Bang Stare Red) Law:
      The louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
      Corollary: The longer you stare at the gauges the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
    • Loud, sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
    • The further you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.
    • It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude and ideas all at the same time.
    • "Pucker Factor" is the formal name of the equation that states the more hairy the situation is, the more of the seat cushion will be sucked up your butt.
      It can be expressed in its mathematical formula of:
      S (suction) + H (height above ground) + I (interest in staying alive) + T (# of tracers coming your way).
      Thus the term 'SHIT!' can also be used to denote a situation where a high Pucker Factor is being encountered.
    • Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas.
      Any combination of these can be deadly.
    • Helicopters have been described as nothing more than 50,000 parts flying in close formation. It is the mechanics responsibility to keep that formation as tight as possible.
    • It is mathematically impossible for either hummingbirds, or helicopters to fly. Fortunately, neither are aware of this.
    • LZ's are always hot.
    • There are 'old' pilots and 'bold' pilots, but there are no 'old, bold' pilots.
    • Any helicopter pilot story that starts "There I was,...." will be either true or false.
      Any of these stories that end with "No shit." was neither true nor false.
    • The mark of a truly superior pilot is the use of his superior judgment to avoid situations requiring the use of his superior skill
    • Ch-53's are living proof, that if you strap enough engines to something it will fly
    Laws of War for Tanks
    • The same gun tube that would probably stay in alignment after lifting a car, will get you beaten after calibration if used to assist in climbing on the tank.
    • Tanks draw fire. A lot of it. It does not behoove the infantryman to hide behind one.
    • If you're close enough to actually hear an M1 series tank running, while in combat, and not part of the crew, you're too close.
    Laws of the Marine Corp
    • It never rains in the Marine Corp, it rains on the Marine Corp.
    Law of Fighting Airplanes
    • The enemy is always has the advantage.
    • Heat-seeking missiles don't know the difference between friend and foe.
    • 'Armor' is a fantasy invented by your C.O. to make you feel better.
    • Afterburners aren't.
    • Air Brakes don't.
    • Your cannon will jam in combat, and then when you get back to base there will be nothing wrong with it.
    • You may have the better plane, but the enemy is the better pilot. (or vise versa)
    • When getting spare parts for your aircraft, you can get them CHEAP - FAST - IN GOOD CONDITION,
      pick two. (This applies to everything)
    • Your radar will not pick up the enemy behind you or the one in the sun.
    • If you have got into the sun and are about to ambush the enemy, it will either be a trap or you'll run out of fuel.
    Saddam's First (and last) Law of War:
    • Don't pick a fight with the baddest guys on the block!
    Laws of Desert Combat:
    • Any attempt to find cover will result in failure.
    • Supply Shipments at night stick out like a sore thumb.
    • Tanks should never leave the established roads
    • Established roads are always mined
    • Operations in daytime will cause the lesser equipped army to win
    • The effectiveness of a soldier in desert combat is inversely porportional to how heavy his equipment is
    • Have plenty of water on hand
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2016
  22. Iain Aschendale
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    Iain Aschendale Contributed Member Contributor

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    Well, that's about all of them....

    In case it wasn't covered above, the three most dangerous things in the Army are a private with an idea, a lieutenant with a map, and a general with a daughter.
     
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  23. zoupskim
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    zoupskim Contributing Member Contributor

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    Warning: The following is a real conversation between two members of the armed forces, and may contain too much REAL for many readers. Discretion is advised.

    LT: Did S-4 ever send the Equipment Density List?

    SGT: I talked to them this morning, sir. They said they're compiling it into a centralized, all inclusive document they can email to you.

    LT: ... They don't have an actual record of the Battalion gear-set, do they?

    SGT: That's likely the case, sir.

    LT: Fuckheads.

    SGT: Would you like a copy of mine?

    LT: Why do you have a record of all the serialized gear in the Battalion?

    SGT: It just seemed like something I would need one day. Do you want it?

    LT: No. I want S-4 to have to make one.

    SGT: If it's any consolation, sir, they looked like they were working really hard.
     
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  24. Simpson17866
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    Simpson17866 Contributing Member Contributor

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    What do you call someone who Ain't Really a Marine Yet?
     
  25. Iain Aschendale
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    Iain Aschendale Contributed Member Contributor

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    Bit of a physical joke, but the description should suffice.

    The Air Force calls them helicopters
    The Army calls them choppers
    What do the Marines call them?

    <hunch over, stick out your jaw, point skyward and make excited grunting noises while beating your chest with your other hand>
     
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