Troubled and bullied, Kleptomania ridden Leo Barren discovers a vile known as "TSS" (TimeSubSample) had been injected into him as a baby, created by NuTek manager Jyon Kishimoto and Assistant Director David Barren (his father) of N.A.S.A. to allow people to travel through time, being a scientific revelation. Little does he know, Kishimoto has forgotten to add something...urgent to the drug. It's the thing that gave Leo kleptomania in the first place. And it's about to get explosive... This is my Second Draft. My first one sucked. :/
It sounds like some unrelated ideas and names thrown together. He suffers from Kleptomania and time travels? And NASA injected him with it? If I had had this excuse as a kid I could have avoided getting grounded. I need to know more of the plot, it did not really tell me much.
I'm new, so don't take my word for it. This plot definitely could play out as an interesting story. You've got a good start, but now I suggest you elaborate on the problem/enemy of your story. The "problem" you identified is basically the main character is going to explode due to this TSS he has been injected it. Now you need to follow the following questions about the issue: Does the character know when he is going to explode? Is there a cure or solution? What are his limitations to time traveling (can he only travel back in time a few years/months in a period of time or is it unlimited)? The reason I bring the time traveling question up is, because if he has unlimited time travel can't he just travel back to when he was a baby and stop his Dad from injecting in him? I personally think it should be much more complicated :3 Maybe another problem occurs from time traveling, but you need to come up with something original if that is what you do. Don't just go with the space time continuum crap (that's been used too many times). Anyways that's all I got hopefully my feedback helps you out. I see a lot of potential in this story, so I wish you luck with writing it
As a premise it sounds fine. It's got potential to be a good book. Though potential is all it's got right now because the premise is the easy bit. It doesn't sound like a plot yet. It sounds more like an attempt at a back cover blurb. "And it's about to get explosive..." implies you know more about what is going to happen than you've let on to us. If what you wanted was for people to critique this as a blurb, rather than a plot, you'll have to say. To become a plot rather than a premise, it will need to have some progression from the static snapshot that you've presented us. It sounds like you've got some ideas of the conflicts and struggles that Leo will face. The specific events of that struggle and some sort of resolution will comprise something you can call a plot. Edited to add: You should check the sticky in this forum titled, "What is Plot Creation and Development?" It goes into a bit more detail on the points I have just tried to make.
Yeah, unfortunately this isn't a plot. You've given up what happened. The plot really begins with what happens next. So, what does happen next? Have you gotten that far yet? I see your avatar is related to "SLOW" so I'm guessing you've got the story pretty well developed, in your head at least...
What on earth is "a vile"? Vile is an adjective - see here: http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/vile?searchDictCode=all Even if you meant "vial" - it still wouldn't make sense. You cannot inject a vial into someone's blood. You can, however, inject a vial of something into someone's blood. And that's not a plot. That's a premise. And slow is fine as long as it's paced right, nonetheless. But considering the way you've summed up your premise, I'm guessing maybe it's your writing skills that might be lacking, based on the run-on sentences and just the general needless info for the purposes of the post. If you want something more helpful, you'll need to actually tell us the plot - a synopsis would likely be best. (up to 1 page long) Do you mean the story develops slowly? Or is it your writing and pacing that's the issue? The first doesn't have to be a problem, whereas the second definitely is a problem. Alternatively, pinpoint what you think the problems are, why you think the first draft sucked, and perhaps we could offer some insight?
