1. The Magnan
    Offline

    The Magnan Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2012
    Messages:
    439
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Probably Earth

    My fantasy plot

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by The Magnan, Jan 31, 2012.

    I've spent a lot of time lately, rethinking nearly all my plots for stories I intend to write, and one I done with my fantasy is I hope ok.

    The main plot is that two elven races one High Elf and Dark Elf are at war in a place known as the Darne. The Darnmar are the ones in control, and are planning on trying to purify the rest of the world, and in return achieve ascendancy. After all they puppets of the god Puritos. Whilst the Panthos Dark Elves suffer, under the wave of losses and their dying goddess.

    The events in Darne coincide with events in Sycane, as a portion of Black Dragon legionairies flee their annihilation. They march unwittingly into the Darne unaware of the war that has consumed this land. Led by Magnafire Drake, the army now known as Burnt only wanted to hide from the White Tallon but soon they will end up getting caught up in the war.


    So basically the importance is that their is a lot of convergence on the Dominion, and another important thing, the Magnan had a bound sword, a blade he fashioned because well his anscestors were Edge, and they had the power to forge a spiritually linked blade. Unfortunately, Magnafire lost the blade during the rise of Tallon and the swords spiritual form now wanders a dead warren. So whilst the story follows events in the dominion, it also follows the Magnan as he aims to reunite with his lost blade. A blade that constantly reminds him of one thing 'I am your Mortal Blade, and Sanities Edge' - The Blade Edge

    I want to know if there is any suggestions on how I can possibly improve upon it.

    Edit: I've tried to make it clear, I apologise that before it was pretty difficult to read.
     
  2. jc.
    Offline

    jc. Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2012
    Messages:
    251
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Hawaii
    Three things.

    1. I have NO idea what you said even after re-reading that first paragraph three times. The info dump is not only hard to read, but you included a LOT of different names and people in one giant glob of text.

    2. The bottom paragraph made more sense and it sounds like you have a character, plot, setting, and conflict. That's good.

    3. What is your question?
     
  3. The Magnan
    Offline

    The Magnan Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2012
    Messages:
    439
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Probably Earth
    I just wanted to know how I could improve it, and sorry i guess, for the way it was set out. I guess i got a little carried away, as I do.
     
  4. Amphigory
    Offline

    Amphigory Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2012
    Messages:
    23
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    I put the "mania" in Tasmanian!
    It is really very hard to judge a plot's merit in a short summary, especially when there's so much going on. Jc is right -- there's a lot to take in, there, and it's hard to follow.

    From what I can see, though, you have quite the epic on your hands! What really matters is how you handle it -- my advice is just to write it, and then once it's finished you can get a reader to point out any plot holes or possible areas for improvement. :) Good luck!
     
  5. The Magnan
    Offline

    The Magnan Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2012
    Messages:
    439
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Probably Earth
    Thanks, and thats probably the best thing i can do, but I have cut it down a bit to make it easier to read.
     
  6. jc.
    Offline

    jc. Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2012
    Messages:
    251
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Hawaii
    No worries. :)

    When you start writing your story, do not info dump. Introduce your back story little by little, starting with the most crucial information first. All the extra "cool to know but not important" info can come later. If it's absolutely vital that the reader knows what's going on before he/she starts reading, then provide them with something simple.

    To be honest, this is what I saw when I read your plot:

    I know you care about it, but the reader won't until much later when he learns what all those different countries, people, factions, etc are. So write something that will ease the reader into your world. Something easier to digest.
     
  7. The Magnan
    Offline

    The Magnan Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2012
    Messages:
    439
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Probably Earth
    That would be a good idea, best to introduce the setting and stuff first so that the readers aren't bombarded straight away.
     
  8. jc.
    Offline

    jc. Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2012
    Messages:
    251
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Hawaii
    Okay I re-read the edited version and it is much better. I will break down what I, as a neutral reader, got from each paragraph.

    Darne is the country in which the high and dark elves are at war. Both elven races are considered Darnmar?

    "The Darnmar are the ones in control." Huh? Of what? I thought they were at war, but both races want to purify the world? Who is "they" (puppets of Puritos)? What/who is Panthos?

    I think what you meant to say was that the high elves are the Darnmar and that they are puppets to their god Puritos. The dark elves are called Panthos and have an unnamed dying goddess.

    The survivors of the BDL (who are now called the Burnt) flee from Sycane, another nation in turmoil. They seek refuge in Darne in hopes of escaping their enemy, the White Tallon, and somehow get involved.


    The Magnan is who/what specifically? Magnafire Drake specifically or the Burnt as a whole? Is Magnan a race or nationality?

    What is "Edge" and why/how did they get a power like that? What does the "I am your Mortal Blade, and Sanities Edge - The Blade Edge" part mean?

    Also, does this mean that the story has two point of views? Magnafire's/Magnan's (still confused about this) and the elf war?


    I did my best to understand what you wrote. I think I pieced most of it together but I still had a lot of questions and was confused by a lot of the who's and what's. Other than that it sounds like you have a potentially deep and complex story to tell, and I would be interested to read it. It's just rough right now and hard to follow. If you work on clarifying more of this it'd be easier for others to give you advice.
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. The Magnan
    Offline

    The Magnan Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2012
    Messages:
    439
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Probably Earth
    Thanks, and I think your way of putting it is better than mine, the Edge are the ascestors of Magna, and were renown for their gift of forging blades that reflected their nature, a blade that literally had sentience, hence how Blade Edge refers to itself as Magnafire's sense of sanity and although both of separated they are still tied together but the Blade Edge is a manifestation of Magnafire's ascestory. The Elf War is more of a rebellion by the Panthos, and the dying goddess is Thana, poisoned by purity (Puritos). Puritos and his High Elves the Darnmar want to unite the world under their ideology, and that means assimilating and purifying the knowledge and essences of others, to remove war and conflict.... of course it does just the opposite.

    it's complicated I know, and like I said it's still in development.
     
  10. jc.
    Offline

    jc. Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2012
    Messages:
    251
    Likes Received:
    10
    Location:
    Hawaii
    I like complicated stories and it was my pleasure.

    I hope that I was able to help. Please keep me updated; your story is interesting. :)
     
  11. The Magnan
    Offline

    The Magnan Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2012
    Messages:
    439
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Probably Earth
    The chances are I might post, a small piece of it in the novels section but until the day, I'll have be patient, and again thanks. One last question what sounds better the Magnan, Magnian, Magnayan or Magnean because Magnan is meant to be pronouced (Magn - ay - an) or (Magn-e-AN) but I prefer spelling it Magnan because i think it sounds better.

    One last thing Magnafire renames himself the Magnan, still need a reason although I thinking of him doing to represent his specie as a whole, after feeling abandoned by the Black Dragon Legion
     
  12. Cogito
    Offline

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    35,935
    Likes Received:
    2,043
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    Actually, it's impossible.

    Write the story. Only a finished story can be evaluated. A story concept cannot.
     
  13. GoldenGhost
    Offline

    GoldenGhost Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2012
    Messages:
    505
    Likes Received:
    58
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    I have to agree with Cogito. Almost every situation I find myself in when writing and dealing with plots as I try to weave into my story, it is nearly impossible to really see where exactly needs improvement. Even when I have the whole idea in my head, I cannot look at what I have written so far and evaluate it from there. And I feel its especially harder for others who do not even know the full plot idea to really give an opinion on itand how to improve unless its an obvious suggestion or they have enough information on the plot to give an opinion. In most cases they do not. Write the story to completion. You'll find answers along the way. That is how I take on most of my problems. Sometimes I do write myself into corners where I need to have something realistically connect in order for the plot/plots to make sense and I end up with a scenario that does not fit. I either have to back track and re-write it, or I just think on it and think on it until an answer usually shows it self and then I continue writing. Until its completely put on paper though, I really have no idea how the events are going to unfold as a whole or have a clear objective idea as to the holes and inconsistencies.
     
  14. RusticOnion
    Offline

    RusticOnion Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2011
    Messages:
    306
    Likes Received:
    8
    I can't really tell you what to improve, however I'll give you a short checklist of things that you're probably going to need to think about pretty soon if you haven't already.

    World Building:

    1. Why are these people fighting exactly?

    2. What does the blade actually do?

    3. What are these culture's beliefs? Are there any rival sects?

    4. Factions, are there different factions within these races?

    5. Armies, what are their militaries like?

    6. Cuisine, what do that eat?

    7. What kind of animals are there?

    8. What do the races look like?

    9. Can you describe the animals, weapons, armor and races effectivley?

    10: Also, why Dominion?

    Characters:

    1. What is the main character like? Will we like him? Will we care about him?

    2. What kind of people are helping him?

    3. What kind of people are hindering him and why?

    Actual plot:

    1. How are you on action? Is there too much?

    2. Are there any love interests?

    3. Do you intend a "happy" ending?

    4. Is there enough conflict?
     
  15. fb.
    Offline

    fb. New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2012
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    Hi Magnan,

    First of all, I love the idea of the sword having a spirtual form that torments the protagonist. It's a unique idea (as far as I know) and wonderfully eerie.

    However, I'm not sure what "I am your mortal blade and sanity's edge" means. If it's deliberately cryptic and will turn out to be significant, then that's great. If it's just meant to sound good but doesn't really mean anything, then I'd rethink that.

    I've overdosed a bit on high elves and dark elves. If nothing else, it's too binary for my liking. How about mountain elves versus marsh elves? Desert elves versus river elves...?

    I think fantasy names are difficult to get right, but here are three things that jar with me personally: overuse of the mighty-sounding "the" (e.g., "the Darne" rather than just "Darne"); made-up suffixes (e.g., "Darnmar" rather than "Darnish" or "Darnese"); and naming races or groups after a single, very stark-sounding noun ("the Edge", "the Burnt").

    Mind you, Doctor Who is full of that stuff, so maybe it's just me :)

    While we're on names, I don't like Puritos and Panthos (the light/dark undertones are too obvious: purity versus panther). But I do love the idea of people worshipping a dying goddess.

    Hopefully that was constructive. There's some stuff in there I find really evocative, so keep it up!
     
  16. fb.
    Offline

    fb. New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2012
    Messages:
    11
    Likes Received:
    1
    I hate (well, love) to be pedantic, but Samuel L. Jackson was quoting Carl Sagan there (and maybe Carl Sagan stole it from someone before him...?).
     
  17. Kallithrix
    Offline

    Kallithrix Banned

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2011
    Messages:
    394
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    UK
    I like Magnan, but that's because it's the way you had it to start with so it's now become established in my brain. If you'd used Magnaean, chances are I wouldn't be able to think of it being any other way.

    But if you want it to be pronounced 'mag-nay-an' then don't spell it Magnan, because that is not, in any way shape or form, a trisyllabic word. Spell it the way you want it to be pronunced and in the most easily read phonetic spelling, otherwise people will just pronounce it however the hell they think the word sounds. Of course, people will do that anyway, however it's spelled, so you could argue that the different between 'magnayan/magnaean/magnian' doesn't really matter.

    Your explanations of the plot concern me, because I find it very difficult to understand what you're saying. Your style is a little confusing - unfocused, rambling and contains quite a few grammatical or syntactical errors. If I was seeing this kind of explanation in a query letter I would think 'great plot, but not the person to write it.'

    I hope your actual manuscript is better, and I'd like to take a look if you do post it on this site :)
     
  18. RusticOnion
    Offline

    RusticOnion Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2011
    Messages:
    306
    Likes Received:
    8
    I know he was quoting Carl Sagan, that's the joke dude.
     
  19. The Magnan
    Offline

    The Magnan Active Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2012
    Messages:
    439
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Probably Earth
    Wow, a lot of suggestions, to digest... I thank you all for you help.


    'I am your Mortal Blade and Sanities Edge' - means

    Mortal Blade - The swords sentient mind, linked spiritually to Magnafire Drake, if it dies he loses a part of himself
    Sanities Edge - This one needs work, I admit. Blade Edge keeps Magnafire sane, without it, he will lose his sanity. And he has lost Blade Edge.. so his sanity may soon follower.

    The Edgewalkers/Edge forged swords to reflect themselves, Blade Edge is unlike anyother, it is a reflection of his past self.

    My grammar is terrible I accept that much, Puritos was the first name I thought up for the Darmar's god, I'll hunt through my imagination for something better or different. As for the Panthos the name just came to me randomly, as I have a habit of doing.

    I will also remove 'the' so thats it's just Burnt and Darne.

    Again I can't thank you all I enough, I never expected this many responses.
     

Share This Page