1. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    My First Query Letter. It Needs Help.

    Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by Cave Troll, Jan 7, 2016.

    After giving a fair amount of thought I have decided to write a query letter, and am looking for some criticism/editing help. Thanks. :p


    Dear Sir/Madame




    When there is no diplomatic solution, war is the answer.


    It revolves around Ober-Commander Marckus Syrilious, a disenfranchised Confederation officer. Captain Graxis, son of a Centuria farmer serving his planet with discipline, integrity, and honor. And the bio-engineered creature the Mother Confessor. A sadistic interrogator seeking a better life, as well as redemption for her previous actions.

    Beginning in the latter half of 2715, when Captain Graxis (formerly a Lieutenant) engages in a quiet operation to secure the Ober-Commander and his right hand staff.

    Having the middle aged Veteran woken from cryo-stasis, Graxis learns first hand how powerful and destructive Marckus can be as an ally. Although he has to convince Marckus that they are not adversaries, but in fact the Confederation and the Chairmen on Terra are the true enemies.

    After assuming command of the Centuria warship Xhari onivos Zhanolai. The two will team up, leaving a battered Sol system in their wake as they make their way to Terra. They happen to in a sense rescue the Mother Confessor, from a Confederation force that is out to acquire her for her skills.

    Passions and ideologies fly, about the fate of the Terrans is weighed in favor of freedom from the Tyrannical Oligarchy. Headed by the Chairmen, and enforced by the military might of the Confederation.

    The trio are on a mission to not only free Terra, but to unite them with their Galatic Neighbors. Though they will have to gain access through Martian Colonial airspace, before they can wage a war to achieve these goals. The closer they get to Terra, the pressure to be victorious is great. Failure is not an option.

    Renegade: Aggression, is a 122,376 word Science Fiction war saga. Borrowing concepts from the sci-fi video games Heavy Gear 2, and MechWarrior. Inspired by; Timothy Zahn’s Conquerors Trilogy, Piers Anthony’s Bios Of a Space Tyrant: Vol. 1 Refugee, G. Harry Stine’s Warbots, and Andrew Keith’s 3rd book of the Fifth Foreign Legion: Cohort of the Damned.



    Thank you for your time and consideration.

    Sincerely,

    Travis Rhodes
     
  2. kateamedeo
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    kateamedeo Active Member

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    Had to re-read it twice and slowly to understand (although, it's the middle of the night here :) ). The punctuation threw me off, the sentences seemed a bit disjointed, if you get what I mean. This is the way I would use the punctuation:

    The story revolves around Ober-Commander Marckus Syrilious, a disenfranchised Confederation officer, Captain Graxis, son of a Centuria farmer, serving his planet with discipline, integrity, and honor, and the bio-engineered creature the Mother Confessor, a sadistic interrogator seeking a better life as well as redemption for her previous actions. -> this is the way I would use punctuation in this paragraph.

    Having the middle aged Veteran woken from cryo-stasis, Graxis learns first hand how powerful and destructive Marckus can be as an ally. Although But first he has to convince Marckus that they are not adversaries, but in fact and that (the?) Confederation and the Chairmen on Terra are the their true enemies.

    After assuming command of the Centuria warship Xhari onivos Zhanolai, the two will team up, leaving a battered Sol system in their wake as they make their way to Terra. On their way they happen to in a sense rescue the Mother Confessor, from a Confederation force that is out to acquire her for her skills.

    Passions and ideologies fly, about the fate of the Terrans is weighed in favor of freedom from the Tyrannical Oligarchy. Headed by the Chairmen, and enforced by the military might of the Confederation.-> didn't get what these two sentences mean; there is something wrong with the punctuation but can't get the meaning of the whole paragraph.

    The trio are on a mission to not only free Terra, but to unite them with their Galatic Neighbors. -> unite 'them' (as in the trio) or 'it' (as in Terra, the planet)?

    Though They will have to gain access through (the?) Martian Colonial airspace, before they can wage a war to achieve these goals. The closer they get to Terra, the greater becomes the pressure to be victorious is great. Failure is not an option.

    Inspired by: Timothy Zahn’s Conquerors Trilogy

    These are only my subjective thoughts, take it or leave it :) Good luck!
     
  3. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    @kateamedeo Thank you, I have a tendency to muddle up my words. :D

    I will see if I can rework those two paragraphs, cause you are right they are a little run away.

    Thanks again for giving it a look. :)
     
  4. Mordred85
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    Mordred85 Active Member

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    "Passions and ideologies fly, about the fate of the Terrans is weighed in favor of freedom from the Tyrannical Oligarchy. Headed by the Chairmen, and enforced by the military might of the Confederation."

    This part was a bit confusing to me as well, aside from what kateamedeo already shed light on.

    Part of me is hoping that this saga of yours is also a space opera.
     
  5. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    I suppose it could be vaguely viewed that way. I was hoping for more of an 'action' type angle. Perhaps that can be revised as well.

    Thank you.
     
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  6. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    From what I've seen of queries, this is too long and, in places, reads more like a synopsis than a query. Queries are like the blurb on the back cover of a book, or its description on Amazon, which are usually 100-200 words.

    Definitely don't start "Dear Sir/Madame" - and in any case, it would be Madam. Use the agent or publisher's name.

    I'd also move your final paragraph, with the word count and genre, to the beginning. It puts the rest of it in context. It's also usual to round up the word count, saying 122,000 rather than 122,376. I doubt that's a deal breaker though. :)
     
  7. Bandag
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    This letter needs to be clearer. As Kateamedeo and Mordred85 said, it's a difficult read. From my understanding, publishers reading slush letters have the attention span of a kitten on crack. They'll throw away anything that doesn't immediately grab their attention.

    You should open with something like
    " I would like to submit my story Renegade: Aggression to your consideration for publishing. Renegade:Aggression is a 122,376 word Science Fiction war saga inspired by [give a couple of examples here]"

    The next line after that absolutely has to be attention grabbing. Otherwise your chances aren't good. The first line is by far the hardest part of writing a pitch letter.

    When you come to describing the story, be very concise. Briefly give us the setting first. Tell us what's interesting about it. What makes your universe unique?

    Then lay out the characters and their goals. Again, why should we care about these people? Your job here is to make the publisher want to read a story about your characters.

    Don't worry about giving too many plot points here. You'll cover the plot in your synopsis, which is a separate document. The cover letter is for selling your book. It's for getting the publisher to believe that it's going to fly off of store shelves.

    Hope any of the above helps. Good luck!
     
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  8. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    As for length the agent, I am looking into. The Query page says they prefer a one to two page letter. The page makes no mention of a synopsis, just include the first ten pages. It also states that by providing the pages may make up for what the query failed to do. I know to use the agents name, I was just using a generic filler is all since it is a rough daft. Will move the last paragraph to the top as well. Thanks for the tips. :)

    Questions: Why start with "I would like to submit..."? If would seem obvious that it is a submission when it is all summed up with: Thank you for your time and consideration. Do contract authors have to do this every time they write a new book? This one is more out of curiosity.
     
  9. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    Revised Version:


    Dear Jeremy Jinglebottom





    Renegade: Aggression, is a 122,000 word Science Fiction war story . Borrowing concepts from the sci-fi video games Heavy Gear 2, and MechWarrior. Inspired by; Timothy Zahn’s Conquerors Trilogy, Piers Anthony’s Bios Of a Space Tyrant: Vol. 1 Refugee, G. Harry Stine’s Warbots, and Andrew Keith’s 3rd book of the Fifth Foreign Legion: Cohort of the Damned.




    When there is no diplomatic solution, war is the answer

    The story revolves around Ober-Commander Marckus Syrilious, a disenfranchised Confederation officer. Captain Graxis, son of a Centuria farmers serving his planet with discipline, integrity, and honor. As well as the bio-engineered being, the Mother Confessor. A sadistic interrogator seeking a better life, as well as redemption for her previous actions.

    Beginning in the latter half of 2715, when Captain Graxis (formerly a Lieutenant) engages in a quiet operation to secure the Ober-Commander and his right hand staff.Having the middle aged Veteran woken from cryo-stasis, Graxis learns first hand how powerful and destructive Marckus can be as an ally. But first he has to convince Marckus that they are not adversaries, but in fact the Confederation and the Chairmen on Terra are their true enemies.

    After assuming command of the Centuria warship Xhari onivos Zhanolai. The two team up, leaving a battered Sol system in their wake as they make their way to Terra. They rescue the Mother Confessor, from a Confederation force that is out to acquire her for her skills. As well as gaining a new ally, when they are met unexpectedly by an Uldivarion Empyreal warship sent in good faith and reinforcement.

    The trio are on a mission to not only free Terra from under the Tyrannical thumb of the Chairmen. But to unite Terra with their Galatic neighboring planets as well. They will have to gain access through the Martian Colonial airspace, before they can wage a war to achieve these goals. The closer they get to Terra, the greater the pressure to be victorious. Failure is not an option.

    Thank you for your time and consideration.



    Sincerely,

    Travis Rhodes
     
  10. Okon
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    Okon Contributing Member Contributor

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    Have you heard of Queryshark? It's a great place where the blogger picks apart queries in a reasonable, fair way. I won't post a link, but Google will get you there.

    I feel like I'm being drowned in nouns as I read this. For example, the centauri warship is only mentioned once, so maybe we don't need its name? Further, the driving motivation is freeing a world from tyranny, which is fine, but what do the characters have to lose? What does anyone have to lose? "Tyranny must end because tyranny is bad" is a weak argument. I suggest including the more minute, comprehensive stakes, such as starving citizens or some kind of pathos that tipped the characters into action in the first place.

    The punctuation is hurting this, too. A semi colon would really help you with the first paragraph, and the rest of it is just a bit off. For example, here:

    After assuming command of the Centuria warship Xhari onivos Zhanolai. Why a period here? This is a sentence fragment, so it cannot stand on its own.
    The two team up, leaving a battered Sol system in their wake as they make their way to Terra. They rescue the Mother Confessor, no need for that comma from a Confederation force that is out to acquire her for her skills.
    As well as gaining a new ally, when they are met unexpectedly by an Uldivarion Empyreal warship sent in good faith and reinforcement. Take the last sentence and put it on its own. Does it make sense?

    If the query reads this way, the novel probably isn't ready to be sent out just yet.

    I suggest a refresher on grammar and punctuation, as well as a cup of cocoa and an afternoon reading through Queryshark's blog. Good luck!
     
  11. kateamedeo
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    kateamedeo Active Member

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    I'm obsessed with grammar. Re-read your new version and... well... here it is...

    The story revolves around Ober-Commander Marckus Syrilious, a disenfranchised Confederation officer. Captain Graxis, son of a Centuria farmers serving his planet with discipline, integrity, and honor. As well as the bio-engineered being, the Mother Confessor. A sadistic interrogator seeking a better life, as well as redemption for her previous actions. - > once again, there should be commas when you use appositives, not periods. If you use periods, it breaks the sentence and loses sense.

    Beginning in the latter half of 2715, when Captain Graxis (formerly a Lieutenant) engages in a quiet operation to secure the Ober-Commander and his right hand staff. -> there is no main clause here, only -inging :) there should be a main clause after all the -ings, subject-verb-object, otherwise the sentence feels unfinished. (example, Having the middle aged Veteran woken from cryo-stasis, Graxis (subject) learns (verb) first hand how powerful and destructive Marckus can be as an ally (object).

    After assuming command of the Centuria warship Xhari onivos Zhanolai. The two team up, leaving a battered Sol system in their wake as they make their way to Terra. (comma there, 'after' introduces a subordinate clause, if you put a period, you break the main clause off)

    They rescue the Mother Confessor, from a Confederation force that is out to acquire her for her skills. (that comma is there for no reason, it breaks the meaning of the whole sentence)

    ... (didn't finish as not sure if you need my grammar-babbling)

    This is just my advice :) it's up to you to decide what to do with it.

    KA
     
  12. Jones
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    Jones My body is ready

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    There's a writer's conference here that does a "gong show" where agents and editors get on stage and they read a query letter, and as agents get to a point where they'd toss it, they hit their gong. 3 gongs and the letter is done, move on to the next.

    At the last one, there was a query I thought was pretty good, but it had a little one line cold-opener sort of like what you did with "When there is no diplomatic solution, war is the answer." And it immediately brought out the gongs. I can't tell you why this happened, but it did, so I would think long and hard about whether that really needs to be in there.
     
  13. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    On the first sentence you mention, I thought it would become a run-on sentence it I just kept it flowing by adding a comma. (I have been told all to often by teachers and an English professor, that I have a problem with making run-on sentences. So I try like hell now adays to avoid making them unless absolutely there is no way around them.)

    As for giving the ship a name, there is good reason to since about 50% of the story takes place on it. That and most warships have names. I know the Navy has names for their various ships. Call it continuity of theme?

    As for the 'opener', perhaps that can simply be eliminated. Considering the theme, I don't think there is a way of making a 'warm and fuzzy' opener that will still hold true. I am all ears if you have suggestions that would be an improvement.

    Really considering scrapping the whole thing.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2016
  14. kateamedeo
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    kateamedeo Active Member

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    A run-on sentence would be such if there were two independent clauses (SVO). In this case you are clarifying, using an appositive. If you use an appositive with a proper noun following the what you are clarifying (My sister Deb was late to her job interview.) you don't need a comma. When an appositive is following a noun/pronoun you should use a comma. And then, you are saying that the story revolves about A, B and C. Those all are objects of the verb.
     
  15. kateamedeo
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    kateamedeo Active Member

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    Hope this makes sense :)
     
  16. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    After putting some thought into what has been said, I trashed that draft and wrote something a little more to 'back cover' stats.


    Dear Jeremy Jinglebottom





    Renegade: Aggression, is a 122,000 word Science Fiction war story . Borrowing concepts from the sci-fi video games Heavy Gear 2, and MechWarrior. Inspired by: Timothy Zahn’s Conquerors Trilogy, Piers Anthony’s Bios Of a Space Tyrant: Vol. 1 Refugee, G. Harry Stine’s Warbots, and Andrew Keith’s 3rd book of the Fifth Foreign Legion: Cohort of the Damned.



    Follow in the footsteps of three unlikely and uncanny allies, as they set aside differences to work for a common goal. Their aim being to stop a tyrannical oligarchy from spreading its thorny tendrils any further than they already have. Utilizing their tact and military prowess. As they wage open conflict with their tyrannical foe’s armed forces.

    A rogue high ranking Terran officer who is a loose cannon. Called a demon by some, and a mad man by others, he is not one to back down in combat. Despite his falling out with his faction, he still upholds his values of justice and the rule of law.

    An alien Captain that walks the straight and narrow, as he serves his career aboard a warship. Keeping a level head, while serving shoulder to shoulder with his Terran counterpart. Despite his roots as the son farmers, he is an adept swordsman. Spending his down time honing his skills, that also help him clear his mind,

    Lastly, a bio-engineered female of unknown origins, who has made Ceres her home where she offers her skills of interrogation to many of the various factions. Over the centuries has come to question her craft and how it has affected her mentally. Unwanted by all the neighboring star systems, she feels imprisoned on her tiny home world.

    The two soldiers rescue the tormented female as a result of chasing down an enemy freighter loaded with an army from an enemy faction. Pushing their objectives from the edge of the Sol system, leaving a path of death and destruction in their wake. Gaining an ally warship from another faction sent in good faith and reinforcement. They continue their trek to Terra. The only thing standing between them and Terra, is the sovereign independent faction of Mars. They must first gain safe passage through the Martian airspace, or face a crippling blow to their forces. Before they engage the Terran faction in an all out war, in an effort to free the populace from the oligarchy. For these three brave souls, failure is not an option.



    Thank you for your time and consideration.



    Sincerely,

    Some nobody
     
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  17. matwoolf
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    matwoolf Contributing Member Contributor

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    Dear Jez,

    A war in space, a war in hell, you better believe it - on the page now, burning holes down to your sweaty palms. Should do the trick tho' eh, your sweaty, your little hands, editor - extinguish my fiery manuscript with your sweating...tendrils. That's why you're an editor, eh, reading about tendrils, you love it, so read my tendrils and dont fiddle, dont fiddle with my manuscript cause it is really good. You like war, you like sex, sex with lizards and ten foot lazer cocks. Nobody's ever done a lazer cock before. Well, Lulu does, on page 148, chapter three, don't read it now, I'm watching you, you bum.

    Love you

    A, N Authority

    In my opinion a more personal, a human approach might tickle the lids? It worked for me, once. Of course, dear @Cave I have legions of fails behind me, buddy, but I have forgessen all about those chaps. I'd like to see your personality in the approach. Even if he hates your novel, the letter brings a smile to his lips - he'll tap you out a personal rejection, at the very least, plus guidance. I know America might, might be more formal in this scene, but hey. All the best.

    Mat
     
  18. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    @matwoolf Thanks. Did you really send a query like that? That is the kind of thing one reads, and then goes: 'Now I have to know what is on page 148'. :)
     
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  19. matwoolf
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    matwoolf Contributing Member Contributor

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    Yes and no. I posted to a magazine once - 'I'm in a right horrible mood, the pasta's on the boil, I have to go...' and he replied, 'I know what you mean, I feel awful, this story of yours, btw, is fabulous...£££'

    I had some kind words from US sci-fi editors in very early days - 'keep drafting, I'd like to see the results...' but by and large I never followed those up...properly.

    With the small magazines, it's just another guy behind a keyboard. Engage him, her: no tricks, just play away - but...I dunno, sometimes my filter isn't powerful enough...and I appear deranged, so like I said, tend to forget those experiences.

    Novels go off to a 'reader' in a huge bundle of slush - so you want to give him something to impress 'the boss.' I had a go with literary agents a year ago but my presentation wasn't sophisticated enough - just a bunch of short stories, and a couple of smilies at the end of every sentence :). Really, really I need to get that little nerd-reader squealing under his bedside spotlight, a lifetime's work frankly.

    Anyway I have retired from public performance. I see only the far end of the telescope, the eye-piece in eye-line, Horatio. [no sense]
    ...

    Aside from my general prattery, my plea - ach, it's difficult. Get the guy to like you. Be natural. I used to filter, hire work experience from 10000 applicants. For all the 'I climbed the Himalayan range, trekked through deserts for sakes of my self-discovery' applicants, the [occasional] 'mis-spelt monster from local comprehensive school CV' used to get through the filter - because I liked him, he amused me, he was a loser, reminded me of somebody, who, I don't know . Life is curious and random. I hope other people aren't so very different.
     
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  20. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    We can only hope.
     
  21. Mordred85
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    Mordred85 Active Member

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    Greatest query letter ever!
     
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  22. Herro Raymond
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    Herro Raymond Member

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    I agree with this, is there a way to use less of the created names for people, places, and title for it? I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just being honest. There are a lot of unique words that make it hard to follow even though the premise sounds interesting.
     
  23. Raven484
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    Raven484 Contributing Member

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    Hey Travis,
    I would not use the words borrowing concepts, it sounds like you are copying other peoples work. Use inspired by, or better yet, delete all of the references. Let your brief outline of the story stand alone.
     
  24. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    I see what you mean. Thanks :)
     
  25. LinnyV
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    LinnyV Contributing Member

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    Hi @Cave Troll

    I agree with @matwoolf in that you need to personalise it. It comes across as stiff and and inaccessible. Maybe this is a Sci-Fi cover letter thing?

    Also agree with @Herro Raymond above comment that you need to tone down the novel specific language if it distracts from what you are trying to say. Keep them to give it the Sci-Fi vibe where possible but take it away if it puts a question in the mind of the reader.

    Anyway, I love giving advice where I have no experience - that's why I have so much fun on the internet. So below is an example of how I'd make the letter flow - ignore the actual wording, as always, I'm just making stuff up. Once I have those elements down, I'd go about cutting as many words out as possible.

    Congrats for getting to this point, I can't help but feel excited for you so wanted to make a contribution. :)

    Cheers,
    Linny


    Another suggestion:

    Dear Agent,

    [Put a statement of what you from them, the title of your project and the word count.]

    [Put a statement of the elements you love in Sci-Fi and how this touches on your project.]

    [Reword EVERYTHING! example below]

    This story begins in the latter half of 2715 in the battered Sol System when...?

    An unlikely trio join forces, each affected by the Wars in different ways...[insert main characters].

    Former adversaries with a new common enemy, they must overcome their distrust and travel to Terra, a world that is....?

    On a mission to free Terra from the rule of a psychopathic Tyrant, they will..? Failure is not an option.

    I hope you come along for the journey. ;-)

    Thank you.

    Travis
     

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