1. EvilFairy
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    EvilFairy Member

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    'Nearer', 'Onwards' or Other?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by EvilFairy, Feb 22, 2010.

    I was reviewing a recent piece of my creative writing and I disliked the last word of this sentence:

    'I could see nothing but darkness ahead, yet my feet continued to draw me 'nearer'

    The word 'nearer' doesn't seem to fit here, I think it breaks up the pace/ rhythm (or whatever you want to call it) of the writing. My teacher thinks it should be 'onwards' but I don't think that fits at all.

    Tell me what you think- 'nearer', 'onwards' or other?
     
  2. Neoaptt
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    Neoaptt Banned

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    Closer.
     
  3. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    I think your problems begin earlier. You feet don't draw you. In this context, draw means to pull or to drag. If you felt drawn forward, it would be by something lurking in the darkness, not by your feet.

    You could be drawn forward by a morbid curiosity, or by a fear that if you never know what is concealed by the darkness, you will never be safe from it, etc.

    It is the lack of a something to draw you forward that makes the word nearer seem to hang there without purpose. For your feet to be drawing you, nearer would imply that the motion is to approach your feet.
     
  4. KP Williams
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    KP Williams Contributing Member

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    I would probably say:

    'I could see nothing but darkness ahead, yet my feet continued to carry me forward.'

    As Cogito said, your feet don't draw you towards anything. They carry you towards it. ;)
     
  5. EvilFairy
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    EvilFairy Member

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    Ahh thank you, I do agree with you both. 'Draw' is the problem here. However I'm still not sure about 'carry me forward'. I agree with 'carry me', just not 'forward'. I feel the word is too harsh in the sentence for some reason. Perhaps if I changed it to something like:
    'I could see nothing but darkness ahead, yet my curiosity pulled me closer' ???
    Not sure ..
     
  6. b.faulkner89
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    b.faulkner89 Member

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    yet my curiosity pulled me closer,
    yet my curiosity drew me closer?

    I don't know, just giving my 2 cents.
     
  7. kybudman
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    kybudman New Member

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    Your overwhelming curiosity could draw you closer, without changing the impetus of the sentence. It couldn't pull you (actually). It (curiosity) could compel you to draw closer, but the movement must remain yours, unless it's a Fantasy/Sci-Fi aspect.
     
  8. EvilFairy
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    EvilFairy Member

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    hmmm ... yeh it's definitely the word 'drew'/ 'draw'. The 'd' sounding seems to direct in this sentence. I like 'carry'.

    'yet my curiosity carried me forward'
    'yet my feet continued to carry me forward'

    ... I think I like the first one now, without mention of 'feet'.
     
  9. digitig
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    digitig Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think that's ok, but I can't help wondering "closer to what if you can see 'nothing but darkness'"?
    Maybe "I could see nothing ahead, yet my curiosity pulled me into the darkness"? (Maybe "on" or "onwards" into the darkness if you're worried that the reader might think that the darkness is off to the side :D ).
     
  10. EvilFairy
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    EvilFairy Member

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    You have a point there. Re-arranging the sentence may work better. However, the text is from a build up about the darkness, therefore noticing the dark is important. (This sentence is from a creative writing piece I posted on here - The Light)
     
  11. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    'take me to it'?
     
  12. ManhattanMss
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    ManhattanMss Contributing Member

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    I don't know the larger context, but I sense two possible problems in this isolated sentence. One reason "nearer" doesn't work (for me) is that I don't know "nearer" to what? If you said "... nearer to its center" or something that illustrates what "I'm" being drawn to, that would help. The other problem is the image of being "drawn" by "my feet." That doesn't quite make sense to me. I have a feeling that the "draw" comes somehow from the darkness, whereas "my" feet "propel" me into whatever that draw is. Sort of on their own, or as if "I" have no control.

    So, maybe something along these lines: "'I could see nothing but darkness ahead, yet my feet propelled me forward, as if I were being drawn toward something at its center."
     

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