1. Lotgrinder
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    Lotgrinder Member

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    Need a little help with this paragraph...

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Lotgrinder, Apr 9, 2013.

    The class erupted with a roar of laughter, hoots, hollers, and other joyous sound effects. Sounds so warm, they often scare the cold metal machines, because they all lost their sense of humor a long time ago. It's part of the process required to become a robot, you know. Once you’ve turned from man to machine, you’re only allowed to laugh at robot jokes, and those jokes are to be learned from watching television, not from a rebellious youth in the factory they called Trenton High School.
     
  2. E. C. Scrubb
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    E. C. Scrubb Active Member

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    Not sure what you're asking for. If by "help" you mean, "please tell me what you think and offer suggestions as to how to make it better," that's not done here (workshop, with rules before posting there). If you mean something else, could you let us know what you need help with? Be specific.
     
  3. GingerCoffee
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    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

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    Just some gut reactions. Cut down on a tad of purple prose where you can.
     
  4. Michael O
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    Michael O Contributing Member

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    Scrub the Scrub!

    I WANT MORE COFFEE!
     
  5. Michael O
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    Michael O Contributing Member

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    Lookie here.....I ain't as dumb as I write. Reckon I'll give it a go. Barf bags readdddddy begin!

    Hold on a gall-dern second. I'm new also. Is that true what Scrubs wrote? Sounds a bit squirrelly and puckered. But it wouldn't be the first time I was wrong and I have 1 point to prove it.

    What if I re-wrote that paragraph? Is that a no-no?

    Been putting stuff together for years. Even when the directions are stated in big bold print, READ DIRECTIONS FIRST. It's the only way I know how to improve my Irish Blessings.
     
  6. Lotgrinder
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    Lotgrinder Member

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    Probably post of the year, I'd like to have an Irish beer with you.
     
  7. Lotgrinder
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    Lotgrinder Member

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    Thank you. :)
     
  8. Lotgrinder
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    Lotgrinder Member

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    Also, I didn't mean to offend anyone, I thought you were allowed to post little stuff like this in the general forum.

    I figured the bigger bodies of work were required to be posted in the Writing Workshop.
     
  9. Nee
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    Nee Contributing Member

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    The factory floor that they called, Trenton High School, erupted in a roar of laughter so joyous and warm that it scared most of the humorless machines: because once you have been turned from man to robot you can only laugh at robot jokes. And those are learned by listening to old television show laugh-tracks, and certainly not by the wild antics of rebellious youths like this.
     
  10. Lotgrinder
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    Lotgrinder Member

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    Nice, thanks nee, glad I joined this forum.

    Anyone from my real life would just laugh at me if I told them I was trying to take writing serious.

    I've got no one to bounce ideas off if...
     
  11. Nee
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    Nee Contributing Member

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    One thing I notice in your paragraph you should keep in mind: each sentence is a thought, each paragraph is a whole idea--new idea new paragraph. Also, you do not need to keep your thoughts in the same place you originally thought of them. You can move your clauses between sentences and paragraphs for better flow or clearer meaning.
     
  12. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    it really does belong down in the workshop section...

    that said, the problem i see is that you have a single past tense sentence beginning the paragraph, but then go off on a present tense tangent for the rest of the paragraph... plus, the following present tense sentences contain a few past tense verbs, so the whole thing reads rather confusingly...
     

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