1. kloop
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    kloop New Member

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    Need Critiqued: Short Beginning Example

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by kloop, Dec 28, 2010.

    First, I hope I'm posting in the right forum on this website. I am new but the old website I used wouldn't work right for me. Maybe a browser issue, but anyway, I see this website as more useful.

    Here's my example for my novel.

    Alexandra looked out the window from her dark bedroom . She waited anxiously for the remaining mermen and mermaids to head home in their intoxicated state. Continuing to wait, she swam in circles around her bedroom.

    There was a royal party for her 21st birthday. This wasn’t just any birthday. She’d have to take on more responsibility as the princess in Crystal Waters.

    Joshua, her best friend, was planning to escape as well. He waited for his parents to sleep so he could meet Alex outside the city.

    Alexandra’s room was made of stone walls much like the rest of the castle. Her bed draped with a dark red fabric for privacy. There were secret passageways leading from her bedroom to the outside she could use to flee, but it would be too obvious.

    I need to assume someone is always watching me. As if perhaps someone is expecting me to escape. How could I do so without anyone being tipped off?

    Alex paced a little longer then returned to her window, biting her nails. Nervous as can be, she watched one couple staggering to their house. “I tell you what honey, this was a great party. I wonder if they’ll still throw parties once she is Queen Alexandra?” The husband nodded and helped the wife into their home.

    Looking around the city from her window, she saw no one else.
    “How will I get out of here?” She whispered to herself. Alex paced then grabbed her small backpack and headed down toward the front doors. I can escape through the front door, pretend I’m going to the library to study my school work, and then from there find a way out of the city. Darn guards are always on the alert.

    Alexandra headed down the humongous stairway and swam at a normal pace past the guards. “Where you headed this time of night Princess?” asked John the guard.

    “I need to study for school and do some research. I will be back before you know it!” Alex didn’t stop. She continued on to the city library to wait for Joshua.

    Please send me any comments you can! I know I need to review general grammar rules as it has been a while since I wrote last. I am revising these two novels and plan to start selling them.
     
  2. PurpleCandle
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    PurpleCandle Senior Member

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    They will probably lock this soon.

    You need to post in the review rooms and you have to do reviews of 2 other works before you can post yours.
     
  3. kloop
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    kloop New Member

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    Thanks, I couldn't see any other samples of someone's work for help. THank you.
     

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