1. rt53ff
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    rt53ff New Member

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    need help with logline

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by rt53ff, Apr 2, 2016.

    Hello fellow writers

    I am new to the writing forum, but enjoying what i been reading so far. I've been working on this idea for a horror film for some time and would love honest feedback.

    Genre: Superhero

    Logline: When a blood thirsty posses of zombies that feast of the blood of non virgins escape back into the living world. A deeply depressed college virgin is the only one who can sen them back to the other side and save the world- but first, she must find something to live for.

    I think it's a bit wordy... thoughts, feeling... and help
     
  2. Wayjor Frippery
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    Wayjor Frippery Contributing Member

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    Hi there,

    I like the irony of zombies and the girl needing to find something to live for.

    You could shave the wordiness by doing something like this:

    When zombies that feast on the blood of non-virgins escape back into the living world, a depressed college virgin is the only one who can banish them and save the world – but first, she must find something to live for.

    One issue that jumps out at me is the fact that the main character (MC) is a virgin and the zombies feast on non-virgins, which means the MC won't be threatened by the zombies at all (unless there's a subplot about her losing her virginity). It feels like there could be more tension if the MC herself (or someone close to her) was under threat.

    ... a depressed college virgin with a sexually demanding boyfriend...

    OK, so that's really clunky, but you get the idea.

    Good luck with it. It has lots of potential!
     
  3. Xerclipse
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    Xerclipse Member

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    Generally loglines must be 1 sentence or 2. Think about what you need or don't need. Don't introduce too much. This was the problem I had with my story.

    Zombies that feast on non virgin blood escape back into the living world. Only a depressed college virgin can save the world by banishing the zombies - but first, she must find something to live for.

    Or another way I could say is

    A depressed college virgin must save the world by banishing zombies that eat non virgin blood. But first she must find something to live for.

    It is shorter but I can shave down the fact that they escaped back into the living world.
     
  4. Ziggy.
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    Ziggy. Member

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    The trick I find is to cut your logline down to fifteen words. It's tricky, and it's unbearable sometimes in trying to fit an entire logline in that many words but the more you do it, the more you get used to it. All you have to imagine is the core conflict plus your main character. CORE CONFLICT. Not internal, but external.

    A depressed virgin must save the world from non-virgin-eating zombies. That's the core conflict there and your character. It doesn't encompass every single aspect of the tale, but it's a logline that is short, sweet, and gives off exactly same effect as yours, just condensed.

    The word depressed hints at some sort of internal struggle while the external struggle is evident. That's it. No more is needed or less, and when describing your story you can explain it in an extremely simple fashion.
     
    Pauline and Wayjor Frippery like this.

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