1. Keiko Homura
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    Keiko Homura New Member

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    Screenwriting Need honest thoughts about my idea for a show(s)

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Keiko Homura, Jul 14, 2016.

    I have a plan for an animated show that comes in 3 or 4 parts, but I'm just asking for opinions on two of them since theyre the most connected.
    This story takes place in a different dimension called Evenaleru. Basically theres this species called Prus that has an empire that covers up the majority of Evenaleru(billions of planets and such). They use humans from earth in our dimension for soldiers and unlock a certain percentage of power in humans that can only be used in Evenaleru, so theyre basically magical soldiers. You can learn all different kinds of magic techniques. The Prus use the most lonliest people for certain reasons, and they are called Eves. The way this works is that the Prus take their souls and put them in Evenaleru, while the body on earth has the appearence of being in a trance, or coma if they're gone too long. If you die in Evenaleru, you obviously die on earth, too, and the other way around. In Evenaleru your age appearance changes to a way that suits your personality, wisdom, experience and/or amount of power you have. Unfortunately this leads to an increase in the amount of suicides and unknown causes of death in earth, so the Prus can't use Eves anymore and thus decide to build a fake school where it is safe to travel to Evenaleru without being seen and use ordinary people instead of the most lonliest people. Since Eves tend to have more power than regular people the Prus want to keep the Eves and force them to make the decision of staying on earth or Evenaleru. The Eves that choose to stay are able to live forever as long as they aren't killed by something else or run out of energy. Eves also have the privilege of "raising" the weaker/"younger" Eves; rule over certain areas of the Pru empire; and have higher potential than the future ordinary soldiers which are called Nalls. The Eves arent allowed to intervene with the Nalls either, the Eves must be seperate from the Nalls. Since they're seperate from the Nalls and wont be going back to earth, the Eves are in an area where time is altered by the Prus. So while 1 year can go by here, it could be like 200 more or less for them. All this is mostly explained in the first story, which I wont get too in to, so I can focus on the next two in this description.
    So the story starts a little after the choice of staying is made. Because I have a hard time focusing on just one character, the story is told through the points of view of different Eves, and there are many different stories in the first part. So this one doesn't really have a certain plot or goal, its just to build character development and stuff for the next story. Basically this is just a whole bunch of stories that take place in the same dimension put together in one. Not in arcs, though, I plan to do this thing where it keeps switching, like I plan to focus on one for bit, go on to another, come back to the first, and so on. Its not really a kid show, since a lot of crazy things happen, like "wars" between some characters over who gets what in the empire, character death, "families" being broken up, and just things like that, you know? An example of this, is that I plan to show one of the older Eves that rule a piece of the empire help raise some of the weaker/younger Eves, like a family, to help them get stronger and maybe someday rule a piece of the empire, too. Show a nice happy caring family, and the "parent" becomes very attached to them. Then some of the kids grow up and become stronger and more mature. The oldest doesnt want to stay as their child anymore, wants to live on their own, and be one of the rulers, too, but the parent doesnt want them to leave, doesnt want to be lonley again. A rare virus in Evenaleru that happens to make a person go insane when triggered by something emotional infects the oldest. So the oldest goes insane and kills everyone in that family except the youngest(ill call him kiku for now) for reasons I'm still working on. So stuff like that happens. Anyways, to connect to the next show, Ill also say that there were two young friends in love saying goodbye to each other hoping to see each other again. The girl, Venice, must stay with her parents(they had the same parents). She isnt shown again for a while in the show, but later meets someone else who is sort of like an Eve(ill call her Ivalia for now). She was never one of the most loneliest people, but she was born in Evenaleru by an Eve(which is impossible) along with her two brothers. The three are just like the other Eves, really, but the other Eves dont consider them to be, and are therefore constantly being discriminated. The areas they owned in the empire were also often invaded and attacked. The land the Eves allow her to have are very bad, and places no one else wants. As a result of those traumatic experiences, she's a little messed up in her mind and throughout this series there are people talking about some terrible things she did(which is shown), and the Eves start to become very afraid of her and her brothers. So the way they meet is because Venice is given away to be raised by Ivalia. Venice learns more about Ivalia and they become good friends, I think this series might end with a goodbye party for Venice when she can leave and live off on her own with Ivalia, and her brothers, but I dont know.
    The next story, which is called Evenaleru, does have more of a plot, which is a huge war between many Eves. In this world, the Eves are often called Gods, since they are much more stronger than the Nalls, so the Nalls decided to call them that. It starts with Venice finally meeting her other beloved friend again after hundreds of years, except Venice only meets the reincarnation of the other(ill call him Armin for now) who has lost his memories during the period when he was gone. Venice is a shapeshifter, and her appearance and name is different than from the previous show, and the fact that they were the two friends isnt revealed till much later on in the series. Venice notices right away but Armin only remembers by the last episode. In this show, Ivalia, who hasn't seen Venice in years, is tired of the constant discrimination and such, so she forms a group of other Eves (with her in charge) to take over the places of Evenaleru controlled by other Eves so she doesnt have to be tormented by them anymore. She uses very harsh and bloody methods though, so many people are either scared or don't like her. Venice and Armin, for different reasons, also want to gain control over some more areas, but they're technically enemies of Ivalia, and Venice doesn't support Ivalias methods either. They(Venice and Armin) also become very close friends with the other guy, Kiku, who was the only survivor in the other story. The three are the main characters and make an alliance and work together, while getting other people to join them, too. So the two sides of the war are Venice's group vs Ivalia's group. Lots of stuff happen, and I plan to end the series with Venice and Armin fighting Ivalia, while Kiku has to fight a huge "army" somewhere else far away by himself, and will most likely lose. Venice and Armin lose their fight with Ivalia, but bc she was friends with Ivalia, Ivalia doesnt kill Venice, but Venice is still exausted from power while Armin is about to die. Armin finally remembers that he and Venice were once friends in love, so he apologizes for forgetting. Venice cries, and stays by his body that lays bloody on the ground, saying that it's alright. Venice then pleads for Kiku to help them, even though she knows he can't cause hes so far away. While she does so, I then show Kiku and that he has finished defeating the army, but hes all tired and heavily damaged, too.
    And thats it. I don't plan on showing what happens next, ever. Just ending it right there, but I'll confirm that Ivalia won the war. So what do you think? I'm sorry for writing so much here, it's very long and I have a hard time summarizing things shortly. Please give me your honest opinion and tell me any flaws, or things I could do to make this sound more appealing. I really want this to become an actual series someday, so I want it to be as good as possible >-<
    Also if it does come out, I hope you forget this by then so that you won’t be spoiled of the ending
     
  2. EdFromNY
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    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

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    Welcome to the forum. A couple of pieces of advice.

    First, please leave a space between paragraphs of a long post like the above. That mass of type is a turnoff.

    Secondly, and I don't want to hit this one too hard, but if we say we don't like it, does that mean you wouldn't write it? I'm guessing not. At least, I hope not. Because if you require approval from others before you embark on a project - be it a novel, a film script or a TV series - you're never going to get anything completed. That's because of Murphy's Fourth Law - "If you try to please everybody, somebody won't like it." It appears you've already given this a lot of thought. So, my suggestion is to trust your instincts.

    Because, at this stage, the only opinion that counts is yours.

    Good luck.
     
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  3. I.A. By the Barn
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    I.A. By the Barn A very lost time traveller Contributor

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    Well, reading this gave me a headache and I read it twice and I'm still not sure I understand it.
    Long version
    Please correct me if I'm wrong.
    Sad people are used for fighting?
    They are kidnapped.
    Ages depend on how someone is on the inside.
    One sad person meets a reincarnation of a friend.
    Army is defeated as someone dies??
    There's lots of things going on at the same time???

    I'm sorry if I have it completely wrong but thats what it looks like to me.
    Its very messy and confusing as it is, I may understand it better if stories were seperated out but from what I understand it looks like one of those horrible authority defeated stories which are very popular at the moment. It could work but it'll need something different to mark it out otherwise it will be brushed aside as another Hunger Games, which it isn't but it does share some qualities. I'd watch it if it was less confusing than this wall of text which I'm sure it could be.

    TL;DR I like it, but make it clearer and add unique ideas to make it individual and stand out. You have a good idea here! :bigwink:
     
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  4. Keiko Homura
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    Keiko Homura New Member

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    Ok, thanks for the advice. I'm still planning on writing on it and stuff, but I wanted to ask people what they think of it, so I can see if its confusing, interesting, or anything to help me improve it. Also thank you for the kind welcome! :)
     
  5. Keiko Homura
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    Keiko Homura New Member

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    Yeah, I'm kind of bad at explaining things, and thank you for taking the time of reading my long post even though it gave you headache.

    So it's not necessarily just sad people, it's the most loneliest people (name of the first series), but I guess we're also pretty sad. They aren't being kidnapped, they're given the opportunity to be soldiers for the Prus in Evenaleru. The reason being that if they had friends and family, it'd be hard to give that life up, and also if you're lonely, there'd be no one around you to check up on you, so it's less risky when traveling to Evenaleru. It also give them a sense of purpose in life. So it's a choice, but they were forced to choose to stay in Evenaleru or Earth, and once they make that choice there's no going back. Also if they choose not to be an Eve, the Prus erase their memory of it.

    Ages do depend on whats on the inside, but it's not the same for everyone, it could be for personality, or how powerful they are.

    I'm still working on the reincarnation thing, but here's what I got so far:
    Two friends, Venice and Armin fell in love, but Armin had to leave for someone. Hundreds of years passed, and during that time Armin died but was reincarnated somehow(still working on why) and lost his memories because of it. Some more time passed and the two finally meet again. Venice can kind of tell but never says anything to him about it, he won't remember till the last episode.

    They both form an alliance with a guy named Kiku during a war against someone named Ivalia. During the last fight, Venice and Armin are fighting against Ivalia and possibly her brothers, too, while Kiku is somewhere else very far away and has to fight an army(from Ivalia's side). I don't plan on showing that fight though. Venice and Armin lose, but since Ivalia was friends with Venice, she spares Venice's life, but Armin is still dying. Then I cut back to Kiku where it clearly shows that he was able to defeat the army but is also exausted and heavily damaged.

    I don't know what you mean by "horrible authority defeated stories"
    Id also appreciate it if you tell me the similarities between my story and the Hunger Games (Ive read it though). That way I edit my story a bit to make it more original and different from the Hunger Games.

    And again, thank you for taking the time of reading my long and confusing post and replying to me. I really appreciate it!
     

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