Need opinion about sentence

Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by jazzabel, Mar 28, 2013.

  1. Nee

    Nee Member

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    I understand, but the technique is not one of restricting your out flow when writing but rather, taking what you have already written and then crunching sentences together and reworking the ideas into tighter packages of thought. It's a technique well worth the trouble--there are many ways to use it :)

    Some later day writers of the hard boiled school:

    Ross MacDonald
    James Lee Burke
    Val McDermid
    James Crumley
    Ian Rankin

    Ha! Three Americans and two Scotts...that's a full house!
    :D
     
  2. mbinks89

    mbinks89 Active Member

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    Hey, I like the idea but there are a few things that nee work in my opinion. 1) red is kind of repetitive in the first sentence. It could work, but it feels too overused. 2) the part about it seeming as if she's walking on glass is some what vague. What does that really say about the movement? To me it indicates she's walking as if pained. Then you continue the simile's theme of glass, but say it looks like her legs would shatter. I interpret that as indicating fragility, instability, etc., and not really with pain. I do like the part about her smell though, and I think you should keep that
     
  3. jazzabel

    jazzabel Agent Provocateur Contributor

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    @Nee: I know exactly what you mean and that's what I aim to do. But they are all guys, they would't care about shoes ;)

    @mbinks89: there's a re-write somewhere on this page, I still haven't finalised it but I'm trying to be clear whilst not losing the legs of glass and diesel and cigarettes overpowering her perfume. It'll come to me eventually :)

    @Cartogrpahers: it is a lovely image, but a bit too detailed. Thank you though :)
     
  4. Nee

    Nee Member

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    Val is a woman...though, I'm not sure of how she feels about shoes. :)

    Her A Grave Tattoo, A Place of Execution, and her Tony Hill & Carol Jordan series are very interesting reads. They made A Place of Execution into a Masterpiece Theater which was pretty good.

    ...I found it on you tube...!!! :D

     
  5. Mckk

    Mckk Member Supporter Contributor

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    My only issue with the sentence is "not so much as if she was walking on glass" - the fact that you write "not so much" implies that "walking on glass" is what the reader has naturally assumed the girl is walking like, which is not the case at all. Out of context, anyone would simply imagine a girl walking like how everyone normally walks. The "not so much as if..." makes me think "oh wait, I've missed something, what is it?" because you're telling me to see something I did not see.

    How about this? Just a quick attempt:

    A girl walked past in a bright red coat and matching heels, a tremor in her steps, as though she didn't trust her legs to hold her up - like they were made of glass. She held her coat shut at the collar, head down against the English drizzle. The smell of diesel and cigarettes followed in her wake.
     
  6. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

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    I'd tweak it to:

    A girl in a red coat and bright red heels walked past, gingerly, as if her legs might shatter at any moment. Instead of perfume, she trailed the scent of diesel and cigarettes.
     
  7. jazzabel

    jazzabel Agent Provocateur Contributor

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    @Mckk and ChickenFreak:
    Thanks so much guys for the suggestions! There's been a couple of re-writes and for now, the working version is


    A girl in a white coat and bright red heels stumbled on the cobblestones. Pretending that nothing had happened, she walked away tentatively, as if her legs were made of glass and she had to keep them from shattering. The smell of the street trailed behind her, (with) diesel and cigarettes overpowering her perfume.
     
  8. John Eff

    John Eff New Member

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    Jazz, what is the pov here? The detective waiting at the red light? If so, there's a change of POV with "Pretending that nothing had happened..."

    Also, any smell "trailing behind her" indicates that the smell is coming from her rather than surrounding her. Trailing = following. Again, if this is from the detective's POV then he/she wouldn't know if she's wearing any perfume or not, if it's masked by the street smells.

    Of course, ignore all this if the PO is 3rd omni.
     
  9. jazzabel

    jazzabel Agent Provocateur Contributor

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    No, it's 3rd person limited, but it's not a pov change. The detective observed this, it's a reaction we all can identify with. I like the "trailing" for a verb, it's a slight poetic description. The reader is meant to wander exactly what it means. I don't like to explain absolutely every thing, it gives a much needed aura of mystery ;)
     
  10. John Eff

    John Eff New Member

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    If her reaction was observed, the reason for it can't be known definitively by the observer, so defining it is a POV change. The observer can interpret ("as though..." or "in a way that..." etc etc) but cannot know. Any road up, I know what you're getting at. We'll have to agree to disagree about the way it's dressed!:)
     
  11. jazzabel

    jazzabel Agent Provocateur Contributor

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    It's a pov break only if the pov character had no way of knowing something. Everyone can relate to observing someone walking away, pretending they didn't just stumble in a really embarrassing fashion.
    I am certain that it's not a pov break, but I respect if you disagree :)
     

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