1. Some_Bloke
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    Some_Bloke Active Member

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    Need some advice

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Some_Bloke, Mar 19, 2015.

    Although I often use writing to express issues going on in my life I don't normally post in this section, as for the most part I like to keep my writing and my personal life separate.

    Long story short, I was in a relationship for nearly a year with someone. It ended badly, but I'll spare you the details as I'm not looking for sympathy. Let's just say that I thought she loved me but it turned out she didn't and as it was my first proper relationship (had a brief "fling" with a girl in high school that I don't really count) it badly affected me at a time I was already going through some pretty dark times. Still am, kinda.

    Again, I'll spare you the details as I'm not looking for sympathy.

    The breakup was in late January and last week a friend tried to "hook me up" with a friend of hers. We've talked online and met in person once. I like her and we seem to get on quite well. I just...I mean, what if I get hurt again? What if I'm more broken than I realize and therefore, a bit too broken for a relationship?

    Curse my over-thinking brain! What should I do?
     
  2. Shadowfax
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    Shadowfax Contributing Member Contributor

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    Man up!

    I know this sounds harsh and unfeeling, but you really won't know if you and New Girl will make it unless you try. Yes, you could get hurt again, same as I could get knocked off my bike by a passing bus. Is that stopping me?

    Are you going to let the Old Girl continue to mistreat you by stopping you from going for a chance for happiness?
     
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  3. Some_Bloke
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    Some_Bloke Active Member

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    That's because it is. :blech::-D

    Statically unlikely if you're an experienced cyclist who actually follows road rules, whereas the chances of me getting hurt again are...Well, I won't do the maths but I hope you get the point.

    No, I'm going to use her as a warning.
     
  4. Triaflame
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    Triaflame New Member

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    I went through something similar last year, so I know how it feels when you love someone who is gone. You can't stop thinking or dreaming about them, everything reminds you of them, all the memories come back to you. What I'm trying to do is forget about her. Surround yourself with positive, optimistic people and try to stay that way yourself. For me, I never really have to see her again, which helps. I'm not sure about you, but you should try to do the same. =]
     
  5. Talisien
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    Talisien Member

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    As someone who has lived a long and full life I can say I have been through more break ups than I care to remember. All were painful but I refused to let my heart close up. I have lived by the motto "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." Emotional pain is not something to be afraid of, it doesn't kill you, it lets you know that you are alive and feel deeply. You learn over the years to set your own boundaries on how you relate to others, but in the end the emotional pain you experience in life makes you what you are. For me that means I learnt how to be an incredibly loving and compassionate person. Hope this helps.
     
  6. Ryan Tanner
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    Ryan Tanner Member

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    Being afraid does nothing more than restrict your own sense of personal fulfillment. If you do nothing, you get nothing. In my humble opinion, you should do whatever provides the most fulfillment for yourself. I won't tell you to go for it, because that may not provide you with the best outcome. Right now you're faced with a choice. What I would stress is that you should not be afraid of the results of those choices. Because at the point in which you allow that to happen, is the point in which you remove from yourself the power to make a choice. You're funneling yourself into a position in which you are restricted by fear, as opposed to being guided by experience.
     
  7. Darkkin
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    Darkkin Reflection of a nobody Contributor

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    There are somethings you just have to learn to let go. Hurt and disappointment, among them. If you try to hang on, it will only make you angry and bitter with the world. Believe me when I say these are the people it sucks to be around, they're toxic.

    My first major break up was with the guy I dated all the way through undergrad. Having graduated at Christmas I was set to begin work on my MFA in January. Five days before Christmas I had an infarction, a major one. They put in the first of my three stints. He knew I had heart problems, but his reply: 'You're broken, I can't be with a broken girl. They aren't going to be able to fix you.'

    Those words haunted me, still do occasionally, but as a very dear friend of mine pointed out: ' Who's more broken, you for getting sick, or him for being stupid. You can't fix stupid.' Those words made me think, but more importantly, they made me laugh. Go into life with hope and a grain of salt. People will be people, but there are good ones out there.
     
  8. BayView
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    BayView Contributing Member Contributor

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    Have you shared this situation with New Girl?

    I mean, I don't think you're looking at a binary choice, here. It's not "fall madly in love with New Girl and damn the consequences" vs. "stay alone in the basement forever". Maybe New Girl is just looking for something casual, or would be willing to accept that. Maybe you'll spend some more time with her and realize she's not really going to do it for you. Maybe you'll decide that you'd rather spend some time single, but going out and meeting lots of people and having lots of fun. (Or staying in and getting totally caught up in writing the next great novel - whatever).

    Be honest with New Girl, keep your options open, and see what happens. Everything will sort itself out one way or another eventually.
     
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  9. Some_Bloke
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    Some_Bloke Active Member

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    I think there's been a issue with communication here. It's my fault for not being clear though.

    First off, I do not have any feelings for my ex. Okay, maybe I do still have a little bit of bitterness but I only feel that when she tries to talk to me. Not so much bitterness that I'm still angry for the breakup and whatnot but bitterness because despite being a grown woman she still acts like she's still in ruddy high school!

    She's not gone. She just revealed her true colours and then left me. After she revealed her true colours I no longer loved her. I was angry at her and at myself for allowing myself to be misled so easily. I only consider someone "gone" when they're dead.

    My grandfather is gone, my ex is merely no longer part of my life and that's the way it'll stay. Don't want to have anything to do with her.

    I think we had two very different breakups.

    My mother lives by a similar motto "Better to have loved and lost, than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life!"

    It's probably worth noting that my mother has been through two divorces. Once before I was born and another when I was thirteen. She had pretty damn good reasons to though.

    I think her motto might apply to this case, after she revealed her true colours I mean. Maybe her revealing her true colours and then breaking up with me was a good thing. I mean, if she had broken up with me when I didn't know the full truth it probably would have hurt a lot more as I would have still loved her.

    I'm afraid of emotional pain a lot more than physical pain. Depends on the level of course, I mean I'd much rather get stabbed in the back by a friend than get literally stabbed in the back. :D

    I can't really be guided by experience as I don't have a lot of relationship experience, well I don't have a lot of experience in getting into relationships, dating and whatnot. The relationship that ended, we were introduced by a mutual friend and my ex was the one who suggested we date.

    Your mention of fear restricting me reminded me of a quote. "Fear does have two meanings. You either Forget Everything And Run or you can Face Everything And Rise."

    Screw it. Screw fear right in it's red clown-nosed, spider-infested, open water, losing loved ones face! I'm not going to rush it though. I'm going to give her a bit more time. See where this goes.

    I've still got my youth, I'm not a grumpy old man yet so I'd better not waste it while I still have it.

    That sounds eerily similar to what she said to me/what happened to me. I even had health issues. She also told me that my health was too much for her. I even told myself for a while that I was "too broken for a relationship"

    Screw my ex and screw your ex. Your friend is right, they are the true broken ones. :)

    Or, to quote Game Of Thrones

    The way I see it, the majority of people are assholes but there's a couple of gems here and there.

    She knows that my last relationship was "rough", she said that her last relationship was too. Apart from that, neither of us really spared much details.

    My house doesn't even have a basement :D

    Life is strange.

    I'm not going to share the nitty gritty details with her, but I won't lie to her. I'm a terrible liar.

    A perfect partner isn't just going to fall from the sky. This is one of those things you need to sort out yourself.
     
  10. BayView
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    BayView Contributing Member Contributor

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    For someone who claims to have been seeking advice, you seem to have a very clear idea of what you want to do. So... great. Go for it. Stop wasting everyone's time by asking us for advice you'll just ignore, and do what you think is right.

    Really, it's all up to you, so... off you go!
     
  11. Some_Bloke
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    Some_Bloke Active Member

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    What? No, you misunderstand me. I've taken the advice I needed to take. Read my reply, my full reply again.
     
  12. BayView
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    BayView Contributing Member Contributor

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    Nope, don't think I will. Good luck with everything!
     

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