1. GoldenFeather
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    GoldenFeather Active Member

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    New synopsis....

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by GoldenFeather, Jun 9, 2014.

    Hey! I tried to find my old thread and post there, but I couldn't find it.

    Anyways, I have written a new synopsis (quite similar to the old one) and wanted everyone's opinion. What is your initial reaction?

    Delylah has inexplicable urges to pull out her own hair - a secret she has kept since she began tugging the lashes from her eyes at the tender age of 9. Now, 23, she conceals herself behind wigs and makeup, avoiding relationships and social intimacy at any cost. Her roommate's attempts for friendship are rejected, and a potential love interest is unwelcome as her secret becomes more and more difficult to hide. As a young woman, she finds herself in a dark place of self-hate and shame, trying to hide a compulsive behaviour that is painfully unraveling her life. Unbeknownst to her, she has yet to face the worst.


    Thanks so much!


     
  2. Duchess-Yukine-Suoh
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    Duchess-Yukine-Suoh Girl #21 Contributor

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    I want to know what happens! Also, have you researched this condition? I am not terribly find of her name spelling though, I think it distracts from the story.
     
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  3. tonguetied
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    tonguetied Contributing Member Contributor

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    Since this is a serious condition, Trichotillomania, hopefully you will treat the subject with care. Are you going for a Sampson and Delilah variation?
     
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  4. GoldenFeather
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    GoldenFeather Active Member

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    In answer to the above two posts, I have Trichotillomania myself so this book is 100% accurate. I also changed the name from Delilah to Delylah simply because I wanted it to be unique, and I like ys :)
     
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  5. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    I don't know much about the requirements for a synopsis, but I had a notion that it was supposed to cover the whole book, rather than being a "teaser"--that is, I suspect that you need to tell us what "the worst" is. As it is, it seems fairly static--I don't see anything that challenges her lifetime strategy of hiding her problem.

    Addressing it as a piece of writing rather than as a synopsis:

    - I find "Delylah" distracting. I know that you like the name, but I don't know if you want the very first word of your synopsis to look like a possible spelling error.

    - "Tender age" is a fairly cliched phrase.

    - Most style guides call for spelling out numbers under ten, so I'd use "nine", not "9".

    - "attempts for" seems vaguely wrong. Attempts at? Overtures of? (Though that has a cliched vibe, too.) Gestures of?

    - "Now, 23, she" is, I think, grammatically incorrect. It would be correct as
    Now 23, she...
    or
    Now, at 23, she...

    - I believe that you should be using an em dash, changing
    hair - a secret
    to
    hair--a secret

    - There's a complexity that softens the impact of your summary. "has inexplicable urges to pull out her own hair", "tugging the lashes from her eyes", "conceals herself"--they're not hard to understand, but they still approach the subject gently and diplomatically and from a distance. You might want to try something harder and more direct, like:

    Delylah pulls her hair out. It started with her eyelashes when she was nine. Now, in her twenties, she needs a wig and drawn-on eyebrows to leave her apartment.
     
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  6. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    1. it's not a synopis, there's no 'story' there and it's too short... synopses come in 3 sizes: short [1 page], medium [2-5 pages] or long [6-10 pages]

    2. shouldn't be in italics... it's too hard to read whole paragagraphs that way

    3. this is the wrong section for asking for a critique... you need to ask a moderator to move it for you
     

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