1. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    Not sure if this is wrong.

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by GuardianWynn, Nov 22, 2015.

    I got this line. I am not sure if it is wrong and if it is wrong how so. Editing soft ware said it was fine, but multiple opinions! :D

    So she, along with everyone else gave Victoria a warm “thank you,” though; Valorie doubted the sincerity her foster parents had and left.

    I don't think context is needed, but incase it is. The full paragraph.

    Again, Valorie saw such warmth in her face. A dead mother you are too young to remember, Valorie could sure sympathize with that. She didn't want to impose. Regardless of if Victoria expressed it, Valorie thought she hit a nerve. So she, along with everyone else gave Victoria a warm “thank you,” though; Valorie doubted the sincerity her foster parents had and left.

    Thanks. :)
     
  2. OurJud
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    OurJud Contributing Member Contributor

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    Just remove the semi-colon after 'though'. I fail to see why you think it should be there.
     
  3. thirdwind
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    thirdwind Contributing Member Contest Administrator Reviewer Contributor

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    This is how I would write it:

    So she, along with everyone else, gave Victoria a warm “thank you,” though Valorie doubted the sincerity her foster parents had and left.
     
  4. Tesoro
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    Tesoro Contributing Member Contributor

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    So, along with everyone else, she gave Victoria a warm "thank you", though Valorie doubted the sincerity of her foster parents. I'd make the leaving part a new sentence, in order to not pack too much into one sentence, but I guess that's a matter of taste.
    Boh. English is not my first language, so that is just my two cents.
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2015
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  5. cutecat22
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    cutecat22 The Strange One Contributor

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    So she, along with everyone else, gave Victoria a warm “thank you”, though Valorie doubted the sincerity her foster parents' had, and left.
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2015
  6. BayView
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    So she, along with everyone else, gave Victoria a warm “thank you,” though Valorie doubted her foster parents' sincerity, and left.​

    But it's still pretty messy. Did Valorie leave because she doubted their sincerity? How important is it that this all be jammed into one sentence?

    So she, along with everyone else, gave Victoria a warm "thank you." Her foster parents' gratitude might not have been sincere, Valorie mused as she left the party, but at least they'd made the effort.​
     
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  7. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    No, they were all leaving. So the idea is more of a.

    "So she, along with everyone else gave Victoria a warm thank you and left." The doubting is meant to be a random thought Valorie had while thinking this. I was afraid the way I wrote it made it a run on sentence or would be confusing.

    Currently I tried rewriting it like this

    So she, along with everyone else gave Victoria a warm “thank you” before leaving, though; Valorie doubted the sincerity her foster parents.

    Better?
     
  8. BayView
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    BayView Contributing Member Contributor

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    Your punctuation is still wonky. The first comma you use is called a parenthetical comma - think of it like a bracket. You need a closing bracket once the parenthetical comment is gone. So you could say "So she gave Victoria a warm "thank you"..." and you're just stuffing the "along with everyone else" into the middle of the sentence. No problem doing this, but you need a comma at both ends of the parenthetical insert in order for it to work. If you wrote it as "So she (along with everyone else gave Victoria a warm "thank you"..." you'd see that you were missing the end parenthesis, right? Same thing here. You need a comma after "else".

    And the semi-colon has no place in that sentence as written. They're generally used to connect two independent clauses (sentences that could work on their own) without using a conjunction - "though" is a conjunction, so it makes the semi-colon unnecessary. If you really want a semi-colon, you could try:

    So she, along with everyone else, gave Victoria a warm "thank you" before leaving; Valorie doubted the sincerity of her foster parents' wishes.
    But I don't think that's a very nice sentence.
     
  9. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    Ah, nice catch on comma I needed. Thanks.

    I removed the semi-colon already. lol. So do you think the new version is a nice sentence?
     
  10. BayView
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    BayView Contributing Member Contributor

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    There's still a semi-colon in the version you posted...?
     
  11. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    In my defense! I suck! lol

    I thought I had changed it to a comma. I didn't notice the dot.

    On top of my defense. My computer font size is small! lol

    So the fix being:

    So she, along with everyone else, gave Victoria a warm “thank you” before leaving, though, Valorie doubted the sincerity her foster parents.
     
  12. BayView
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    BayView Contributing Member Contributor

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    I don't think you need any punctuation after "though".

    So she, along with everyone else, gave Victoria a warm "thank you" before leaving, though Valorie doubted the sincerity of her foster parents.​

    Honestly, it's still a pretty convoluted sentence. Looking at the paragraph, you have quite a few short sentences surrounding it, so maybe it was just time for you to have a longer sentence. On its own, I think it's pretty rough. In context, I find it easier to take.
     
  13. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    So, I suck? lol

    It is okay to say it. I never try and shy away from the truth. lol It helps me learn and grow. :D
     
  14. BayView
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    BayView Contributing Member Contributor

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    It's not a question of you sucking, but the sentence? It's pretty rough.
     
  15. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    So, may I ask how you would say it? Not how would you fix it. But how you would express the meaning? Rough or not I figure the meaning is clear. Right?
     
  16. BayView
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    BayView Contributing Member Contributor

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    I gave my version in post #6, but it doesn't necessarily match your writing style.
     
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  17. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    Thanks. :)

    I figured that might have been you trying to fix it, instead of your style.

    You are awesome! :D
     
  18. OurJud
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    OurJud Contributing Member Contributor

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    I have an amazing idea. Change the size of your font to something bigger.
     
  19. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    O.O Why would I do that?
     
  20. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think that you're trying to pack too many things into one sentence. I would make this at least two sentences. In my voice, and making up some facts, it might be:

    The party broke up around midnight. The guests departed in twos and threes, most of them pausing on the way out to offer Victoria thanks and compliments. Valorie's foster parents were among the most effusive, but Valorie had her doubts about their sincerity.

    I'm chopping up the information: The party breaking up. People leaving. People thanking Victoria. Foster parents were among those doing the thanking. Valorie had her doubts about foster parents' sincerity. That's a lot of things to pack into just one sentence.
     
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  21. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    This gives me ideas!!! Thanks.

    Side note I find it funny how people fill in missing context. It is natural and expected but since I know the missing context I am amused by it. In this case "everyone else" is only referring to three people. Her foster sister, and foster parents. The "party" only had 5 people. Valorie and Victoria being the other two.

    Again not that I expected people to know this but I still find it amusing. :)
     
  22. OurJud
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    OurJud Contributing Member Contributor

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    For the reason I quoted.
     
  23. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    That moment you inspire me when I am not at home and I forget my idea when I get home. Gah!!!! I am sure I will remember after I stare at this message for a bit. lol
     
  24. GuardianWynn
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    GuardianWynn Contributing Member Contributor

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    New version! Didn't expect this thread to get so much, but since it did. lol.

    Snapping back to reality, Valorie realized everyone was getting ready to leave. She didn't want to impose. So she, along with everyone else, gave a warm thank you before leaving. Though, Valorie doubted the sincerity of her parents, it was the one part of the politician stigma she felt did in fact apply to them.

    Not sure if I should add more since this is a chapter end.

    For anyone that wanted more context. I will give a few more paragraphs.

    “My mother is dead.”


    “Oh my gosh,” Valorie said with a gasp. “What happened?”


    “I am afraid, I can't say. I was very young at the time,” Victoria paused and lifted her glass. “One should not only lament the past but admire the present. A good glass of juice with good company. I'd like to thank you for allowing me to have this moment with you all, but I don't want you to feel like you are prisoners.” Victoria smiled directly at Valorie.


    Again, Valorie saw such warmth in her face. A dead mother you are too young to remember, Valorie could sure sympathize with that. It was like a pit in your chest, cold, dark and painful, but not constant. Life builds a roof for this pit, but it is a roof of leaves, and Valorie knew how words like hers could tear that roof of leaves apart, regardless of if Victoria expressed it.


    Snapping back to reality, Valorie realized everyone was getting ready to leave. She didn't want to impose. So she, along with everyone else, gave a warm thank you before leaving. Though, Valorie doubted the sincerity of her parents, it was the one part of the politician stigma she felt did in fact apply to them.
     
  25. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'm still confused by this. Can you cut it up into sentences, each one with just part of the message?

    My guess is that you're saying:

    Valorie doubted that her parents were sincere.
    Politicians are often seen as insincere.
    Valorie didn't think that her parents were like politicians in most other ways.
    But she did think that they were insincere.
     

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