One person (probably) reads The Girl with the Solar Eyes

I love that he added someone named Link in the Zelda rant. That explains the resemblance ot Nintendo then.

 

Why do you think @Link the Writer chose the name?

Edited to add: I honestly don't know how to feel about this. I gotta lay down.

 

A small part of me wants to poke the bear and bring up the Zelda comparison to him through Twitter just to see how he reacts.

 

Uh, I chose the name because I'm a huge Legend of Zelda fan?

 

@Jack Asher You've had me in tears... thank you for this. Looking forward to hearing what happens to Mother Fucker next...

 

This is what I have gathered based upon this and it's sister thread (this is going to hurt me too), cause this guy is way to freaking self indulgent in his own fantasy to realize just how far up his ass his head is wedged.

Knights fought dragon with blenders. Blenders today are used primarily in the bedroom for extreme foreplay. If you happen to impregnate a virgin, she must carry it to term. At the time the baby is born, if you throw it's tiny body hard enough at a wall facing south. The result should open a portal to hell, which will stay open for exactly 6 hours, 6 minutes, and 6 seconds. Then you enter and the devil gives you the secret of removing the cum stains from your couch cushions. And upon your return with this high prized knowledge, if you reassemble the skeleton of the baby before the portal closes. It will be your very own MIRV 6x10 Nuclear ICBM, because you had blender sex involving a virgin. Nipple berry pie, mother fucker?( I am just as confused as @Jack Asher is, also a little scared)

This is how I interpret the nonsense you have provided thus far. And thank you for taking the time to torture yourself with the rantings of a moron with an overly politically screwed up Legend of Zelda epic fail.

 

This is incredibly entertaining and I'm eager for the next chapter. But this last chapter review made me want to throttle Saccoccio especially. All the blatant "borrowing" from Legend of Zelda. I'm glad you caught the connection because I was definitely rooting for you to get there - didn't know if you were a fan of the game or not. I think because I just played through it again and it's all fresh on my mind.

For those who haven't played Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, here are some of the more obvious references:

-In the game, the Great Deku Tree (who talks) rules over a forest of child-elves. They're called Kokiri, but they're elves. And they all have a fairy assigned to them. Link, our character, must go to the Deku Tree to begin his quest.

-"Chako" plays the same role as Mido, one of the Kokiri who blocks Link from being able to visit the Deku Tree. He considers himself a rival for Saria's affection - Saria being Link's friend. Mido pouts because Saria likes Link better. He also tells Link that he needs to get a sword and shield before he can talk to the great Deku tree.

-The sheild he buys from a shop.

-The sword he finds in a small, child-sized hole which he crawls through to get to the area where the sword is stored.

-There are creatures called Business Scrubs who spit giant seeds at you, but if you manage to smack one, it'll sell you items for a lesser price. Yep, a stupid concept for a story (though useful in the context of the game.)

It's really painful when you realize that not only does he fill his pages with crazy anarchist rants irrelevant to the plot (I use the term loosely) but entire pieces of his narrative are not even original thoughts. And I agree with you @Jack Asher, game devices do not make for good storytelling. It all makes me wonder how much he wanted to tell a story, and how much he just wanted to spew his weird philosophies under the guise of a loosely cobbled smattering of scenes.

 

I have to admit, it's been a long time since I played any Zelda, and I don't think Ocarina was ever one that I played through.

In embarrassing other news, I explained this situation to my little brother, and got to the part where "Link" had to find a sword and shield, and he stopped me there and said, "So the guy wrote a Legend of Zelda rip off?"

But the most interesting and concerning part is that no one else in the reviews or elsewhere has made this connection, and the fact that he's getting away with it is...

I don't have any more synonyms for "galling".

I work tonight, so you'll get the second half of Chapter 2.

 

I found this in his "From the Author" section on Amazon on Boy...Peddler...Death

"The ultimate goal of mine is to generate enough buzz/sales around this eBook that I can then prepare a business presentation to make financial sense to the people who invest in films..."

I've a feeling the Zelda plagarism would be a problem in getting such a film produced. Although, let's face it, that would hardly be the biggest issue impeding production.

 

Holy shit. That's hilarious. Thank you, thank you thankyou.... Thankfully, I'd put my coffee cup down when I started reading.

 

I have a series of constructive suggestions to offer Saccoccio at this point:

1) Crawl away
2) Assume another name no one will ever connect to your previous one
3) Learn to write
4) Shut up

 

Things weren't weird enough, now we have to add an incest vibe.

Chapter 2 (B): Nothing but Evil Here


Events:
So after the bombshell that all of society is a lie, and he's not going to do anything about it Caelwyn and Link fuck right on out of the cave and go home. Link complains to his fairy that he doesn't know how to use his weapons, and I'm 90% positive this means that the next chapter is going to be a fucking tutorial level.

In the meantime he wanders over a river, that has never before been mentioned in the setting of the village, and Dani (the fairy) talks about how horrible it is that laws and money exist. We get a priceless exchange about etymology, where Saccoccio reveals, that he not only knows nothing about Latin, he's incapable to doing a google search to find out. That or he's intentionally deceiving the reader. I'm not sure which to choose.

Also, dark sorcerer are trying to control you with etymology, because the best way to control the populace is to spell out your intentions for anyone who can pick up a dictionary.

They also control use the symbols on money to

I'm pretty sure that, if in his book there was a government that had landed on the moon, Saccoccio would go out of his way to point out that nothing can go past the Van Allen Belt, and that Newton's second law is physically impossible. I'm not sure there is any conspiracy theory he wouldn't endorse.

There's a lot more anarchy bullshit, and it's clear Saccoccio has never read a rebuttal to his chosen philosophy. If this is a surprise to you, you haven't been paying attention.

Then the incest vibe gets started.

Link comes home to find his mother figure there, strumming her not-guitar idly. He gets all moon eyed for the woman he lives with. While she isn't his biological mother, she is the only parental figure he's ever had.

So he wants to bone his adopted mom, but feels conflicted about it, like he absolutely should.

She's unhappy that he has a sword because:

That's pretty much a mother's reactionary protective philosophy, so I should point out that this makes him want to bone her even harder!

Then they get naked together.

I'm glad we're joining this mother fucking plotline from the beginning. That's nice.

But she feels bad about it, so she turns her back on him, and he spends the whole night awake wondering if he should bone his mother.

It's morning and his mother has slipped off, so Link is depressed that everyone always leaves him. She's been his mother for his whole life, and abandonment has never come up as an issue before now, but suddenly it's all of his character problems, and Dani has to think about how she'll never leave him for a bit. A declaration of undying loyalty after knowing this guy for a day is pretty cloying, if not just simply inappropriate. His fairy is going to turn in to one insane ex.

I'm kidding, she's going to die for him, because Saccoccio thought the ending to Armageddon was too subtle. She doesn't appear at the...wherever The Man lives so she's dead, and the only way that—look you get the idea.

But oh no! Ellia took the sword!

But horray! She's back a second later, and she has a shield too! So Link didn't have to make any positive actions to fulfill his goal! Inaction on the part of a character is what makes them stronger!

She puts his gear on—sorry “equips” it.

See?

Then they stare in each others eyes for, it's really not funny, four fucking pages. Then they kiss and it's awful.

Link takes off to find the Bannitlarn brothers, and remember this is all in one chapter.

He goes to their house and creeps in, for no explained reason. His fairy is apparently totally on board, she dims her fairly light, and then mind rapes the other fairies.

There has been a lot of stuff about how Natural Law trumps the laws of man, and everyone should follow it. Apparently mind rape is totally okay under Natural Law. Link is momentarily terrified of his fairy, for a paragraph, and then forgets all about it.

The Bannitlarn brothers are cooking up something, and when Link surprises them, they jump a little bit, and then no one cares. So that mind rape angle was super necessary there, Saccoccio.

There's a blast of light and then Baelwyn is holding a “geometrically perfect”, “violet orb of flames.” Saccoccio doesn't explain what about the fire is geometrically perfect. Considering that the most notable property of fire is it's transient nature, I guess a “geometrically perfect orb of fire” would look like a solid object. I'm just going to chalk that description up to abject stupidity.

We're back to incomprehensible character actions again. Caelwyn asks Link if he trusts him, and then gashes open his arm with a knife. Dani reacts with the crucio spell, and makes Caelwyn writhe in agony, while Baelwyn throws the fire at Link and heals him.

Dani lets up, un-rapes the other fairies (why now?) and then gets angry that they used holy magic.

Then Caelwyn tells Link:

A sentence that has fuck-nothing to do with any of the dialogue or actions that have come before. That would be a great line to end the chapter on, but there's another page where nothing happens instead.

Writing:
Let's talk about how Saccoccio doesn't just not understand words, he doesn't understand the simple meaning of words! Early in this part we get this exchange:

Lets talk about this one. Mon is a Greek prefix. (And it is a prefix meaning one, not a prefix of one.) Money is a Latin word. “Nomisma ” is the Greek word for money, not money. And in the Latin, mon comes from “mint”, which you will probably remember is the way you make money.

This whole statement reeks of a facebook post from your weird uncle's friends, which Saccoccio has passed on without any research. Either he really believes it, or he knows it's bullshit, and he just wants you to believe it. Decide on your own, which one is worse.

It gets extra ironic when Dani says

It's like you got slapped in the face with a turd made of words.

There's another stupid game thing going on with that whole “equip” thing, but I almost feel like that horse is just paste on my bat at this point.

More for @Tenderiser and anyone else who wants to write romance, like they've never used a metaphor before. This from when Link takes the plunge and decided to make out with his mother.

Because who hasn't seen a dirty longshoreman lashing a rope to a cleat on a dock and not thought, “That's hot.”

I feel like reminding you that this is his mother, because I don't want you to get comfortable about this.

Word Salad:
This comes up when Baelwyn throws the healing magic at Link.

You know, like the vases of water you store your flowers in, and which frequently explode.

Thoughts:
I'm disappointed with Saccoccio again, but in a new direction. I was really looking forward to the part where “Aithein” had to go into everyone's house and break their pots, to get the ruppies to pay for his shield. Instead his mother just shows up with one.

I'd mentioned before some story telling concepts, and now I'm going to bring up positive action. Characters are defined by the choices that they make. This is especially true in visual medium, where a character can't explain what they are feeling about anything, and incredibly true in games where choice is pretty much the only function of the players interaction with the character.

But it's true in writing as well, it can't fail to be so. If you can think of a character in a novel who we are told has a feeling, or conviction, and then they are not required, or even given the chance to act on that feeling; I am defining them right now as a bad character.

And Link has done effectively nothing. He's been denied the tree, and gone off to find people to tell him what to do. He's needed a sword, and someone has given it to him. He needed a shield and someone gave it to him.

So far the only conviction he's acted upon is his desire to bone his mother which is next level fucked up.

This book about philosophy has really been about everyone telling Link how terrible authority is, and how Natural Law must be paramount. But apparently Natural Law is fine with incest and mind rape, so I'm seeing this as a pretty strong argument for the institution of some kind of insurance that some fairy can't take control of my body.

Insofar as every character is a reflection of the author, there are some very disturbing elements of Saccoccio coming across on the page. The assertion that this is a novel about moral philosophy, in which the main characters can do whatever they want, because they are the main characters, is especially distressing.

 

Shortest chapter yet, only eight pages. I don't think there's a reason for this.

Chapter 3: Life and Death


Events:
Link and friends are creeping through the forest, trying to find their friend, the last brother. I thought the goal was to go talk to the fucking tree, but apparently this is far more important.

They wander through the woods trying to fine Taelire, who is hunting deer. They're trying to find their brother, because waiting for him to come home isn't an option for no reason. Along the way Link keeps thinking about his mother, who he wants to bone, and is conflicted about that.

Where's your Natural Fucking Law right now?

They can't find the brother, until they come to a clearing and everyone smells blood. Could this be the blood of the deer that Taelire killed? Yes it could. He's hunting, and he probably knows how to field dress. We're told they're all two hours from the village. Does anyone think of this? Fuck no! They all get ready to fight the...whatever...who might have...whatever. Link “equips” his sword and shield, and everyone else pulls out some magic thing. This will get really pathetic later.

Then suddenly the rock in Link's sword starts to glow and that's a big problem!

Including, I put forth, the guy who is holding the fucking sword?

And then they come across a dragon eating something in a clearing. Could it be a deer? Sure could. We know they're around because Taelire was hunting them. Does it seem more likely that a dragon would go after a prey animal than another hunter who would know how to avoid it? Absolutely. Does anyone think of this? Fuck no! They all assume it's Taelire and gear up for a fight.

Link charges in with his sword, while Caelwyn casts, I shit you not, debuffs.

They all fight. Link cuts the dragon up. The dragon cuts Link up. Baelwyn is heals. Who fucking cares.

Link gets super mad at the dragon, in a thing that's going to come up in Thoughts, just know for now that when he stabs it he's really angry.

Then it knocks him around and he gets really sad. He flies through the air, and gets ready to just accept his death.

Dani, who less than 10 pages ago was telling us would never abandon him, wonders to herself if she should just let him die, because “whatever, he doesn't seem like he wants to live.”

Which is definitely the worst place to end the chapter. So Saccoccio ends the chapter.

Writing:
Well, you know, bad.
Just to go over a simple timeline.

Caelwyn met Link at midnight to get the sword.
Link came home and slept with his mom, but it was hours before he actually got to sleep because he couldn't stop thinking about boning her
Link woke up and his mom was gone (then his mom showed up, but this isn't the point I'm making)
Link went over to the Banitlarn brother's house, where they were wide awake.
Link went hunting with the predawn light.

So everything that happened up to then was all in the dead of the morning? I had to go back and reread, and found an occasional reference to “lanterns” and “gloom” but from pretty much any perspective it doesn't make any linear sense. It's very clear to me that Saccoccio wrote all the scenes for a morning/afternoon progression, got to the part with the hunting, wanted to make it before dawn, and went back and added some shit to make that “work.”

It didn't work, because that's a fucking stupid idea. There is more to revision than just rewriting a couple of sentences.

Those fucking italics are back, with no discernible cause or system. I guess Saccoccio found an editor more useless than before.

And we do get a wonder of metaphorical description when Link chops off the dragon's leg:

Really Saccoccio? Did the sword go through the flesh like a knife through meat? I never would have fucking thought.

There's more game bullshit, while the mage casts nothing but debuffs, despite talking a huge game earlier. When the dragon knocks Link around Baelwyn casts a spell:

So I guess instead of losing a whole arm, he'll only lose half of one? Instead of being castrated, he'll manage to save a testicle? Or will he lose a half fucking heart, because Saccoccio doesn't take his readers seriously.

Thoughts:
Two large ones.

Link goes through three, huge, mood swings through the course of eight pages. First he's all aggro because of the darkness inside of him. (This worries his fairy, the mind rapist with “darkness inside her” ((too))). Then he's righteously angry because the dragon had the gall to be a predator (which is thing two).

And then he gets super depressed when the dragon knocks him around

Late in the game to reveal that Link has a habit with the razor, Saccoccio.

For a bonus round, that fairy was just talking about how she would never abandon link, wondering about whether or not she should just abandon him.

I thought this book was supposed to be a treatise on anarchistic veganism and Natural Fucking Law. So why is Link angry that this dragon did what dragons do? It's a predator. It eats other animals. It's not doing it because it's evil. It can't understand evil. It wants to survive, so it has to eat. I guess understanding Natural Fucking Law doesn't include understanding Laws of Fucking Nature.

As an aside, as a conservationist and outdoorsman, this line of thinking is especially aggravating to me. It's the same ideology that assholes use to justify bringing guns into bear country. For the most part the bear doesn't understand that you are food. It might be curious about that fact, but even in front of a kill, you can scare a bear off, simply by being mysterious and possibly more dangerous than it is. Note: do not try to scare a bear away from a kill. Yes there are accounts of it happening. No, it's more likely that the bear will defend its kill.

But I could link to a dozen accounts, right now, of some moron shooting a curious bear, because he didn't understand that bears don't have human emotions.

This

Is apparently a cover for “fuck with animals, fuck with brains, fuck your mother.”

 

This is too good. I read the 'excerpt' on the Amazon site, and got stopped by the contents of that pie in the first chapter. How many different kinds of berries ...starting with goji ...did it include? And have you ever tasted a goji berry. Most unappetising damn thing I've ever put in my mouth...and we have a whole pie flavoured with it. Mind you, it doesn't actually get eaten...spoiler...

 

I thought @Jack Asher said that the fruit went back into the pie after the nipple smearing incident!!! Can't remember if it was eaten...

 

@jannert

Maybe it is the berries in the pie that have caused him to have thoughts he knew

 

My my... This Saccoccio guy has a lot of issues. Nature is hypocritical to this poor inept fool, and he is ok with having latent sexual tension towards his mother. Perhaps the lad would be on board with it as long as we made sure the berries were of the vegan variety for him to smush upon the bosom of the woman that bore him from her loins. First thoughts on all of this new revelation in his work of "fiction", is that he dresses up like a knight (or just Link from LOZ), and fights the evil monsters (his father and siblings) on his quest for his prize (his mothers soiled panties in the hamper). It is a disturbing picture this guy paints of himself, and I will not have any qualms about coming up with my own theories based upon the information provided. So to sum it up this is the fantasy life of a sad deluded man that wants to have vegan chaos on earth, while he bangs his mother. I can't wait for the next installment in this tale of oddity that Freud would be proud of.

 

Oh, look. That guy they killed a dragon over is still alive. What a giant fucking surprise that is.

Chapter 4: A Heart of Chaos



Events:
Link is going to die, and then he gets saved at the last second by Taelire. Man it's such a shock that he's still alive and they got revenge on a dragon over a fucking deer. Link is being busy resigning himself to death, as the mage and the priest do fuck-nothing to stop what's happening. Saccoccio says he's dying like a warrior, but considering he smacked the dragon once, got knocked down, and decided he would just die; I'm calling his death “like a little bitch.”

But the one guy shows up and shoots the dragon in the face with arrows. While he lays waiting for death, Link recognizes their fletching, if you can believe that for a second, and the dragon that got stabbed in the fucking eye with a sword, falls over because he got shot with arrows. In the face. The same place the sword stabbed him. It's actually kind of exhausting coming up with ways to tell you that nothing makes sense.

So the dragon is dead now, and I guess Link isn't gonna die, but he's lost a lot of blood. The brothers all have to knife themselves open and do blood magic. I'm pretty sure this is how hepatitis spreads. I'd say that they should at least check their blood type, but my guess is that conflicts with Natural Fucking Law.

And Dani gets super worried about the whole thing, and almost uses her magic to save Link, only...why the fuck doesn't she? Anyway she doesn't, so whatever. Good use of the text there.

But maybe they shouldn't have done that, because:

…
So...
They should have just let him die then? Of being killed by a dragon? Because that's the “decent” thing to do? This poor teenager is being plagued by all of the times they've saved his life? Which seems to be a total of once?

Then one of them says he's hungry, and Saccoccio decides he doesn't care about that anymore.

Hey, remember that tree that Link is supposed to go to so that we can get this story started? And they needed all the brothers? No I don't know why they needed all the brothers, but they did! And now they have them! So they need to spend five pages field dressing this dragon.

Saccoccio doesn't know how to field dress, that's not a surprise. I don't actually hunt, because my dad didn't hunt, and if your dad didn't hunt, you don't hunt. But I'm pretty sure you don't need to hang the entrails on trees so that animals don't “accidentally eat them.” I'm not sure what herbivore would “accidentally” eat a bunch of intestines, and most carnivores eat them anyway, to say nothing of the sweat meats.

Saccoccio says nothing of the sweat meats. Guess elves don't like all lights.

But they're supper good at dressing the dragon, and Saccoccio points out that Taelire and Link go hunting every day. Except all the days that we've seen in the book up 'till now anyway.

But they don't have anything to wrap the meat in, because—I don't know what you wrapped meat in, in olden days. Seams like linen would be a safe bet, after you drain the blood for a bit. (They don't do any draining of the blood, which just seems like they're going to make a huge mess.) Seems like if that's the case, linen would be something an experienced hunter would bring with him. Saccoccio disagrees, and sends out the other brothers to find some fucking leaves. Maybe there's some rutebega in the forest somewhere or something.

Of course Saccoccio's solution is so much stupider than that.

So even the pace of the dressing the meat scene, which has taken two pages, even that is stopped, so that Caelwyn and Baelwyn can stumble upon, and then eat; a bunch of fucking grapes. They eat the grapes in lots of different ways, and the grapes are really, really good. No mention is made of seeds, I immediately notice. I guess the wild grapes have been adapted by Natural Fucking Law not to be able to breed. So they have to clown around for awhile doing that.

So they're going to wrap all that giant-ass dragon meat in a bunch of grape leaves the size of your hand.

Back at the kill, Link brings up that Taelire saved his life, which they have both apparently done a lot. Like all the fucking time. Saving each other lives. All over. Link said earlier that he didn't know how to fight, and while times have changed, hunting deer has never been all that dangerous.

Something comes whizzing out of the bushes, and Link and Taelire are instantly on their guard.

Then more things come, and they hit Link's shield, but he's incapable of telling what it is at that time, because that would be inconvenient to the stupid reaction that Saccoccio wants.

Did you guess it was fucking grapes being thrown at them? Because if you did, you're smarter than Saccoccio thinks you are. Maybe he just wrote his book to be enjoyed by complete idiots? It's something to explore.

Then Link remember that he hasn't practiced good sword safety, and realizes that he's an asshole.

Saccoccio-->swords-->idiot--you see where this is going. I guess he's a good militant who know how to take care of his guns, but he thinks that all weapons are guns? That's just...not how swords work. Laying on the ground is about the least dangerous way for a sword to be, other than in Saccoccio's hands.

They pulled all the scales off the dragon by the way. Apparently they brought a scaler deer hunting, and it's large enough to work on dragon scales the size of your. Actually I have no idea how large they are. Whatever largeness they are, they take them to a smith and he says that he can make them into armor, so they're somewhere between not realistic, and impossible, in size. There really isn't a way to make that happen, at all. I'll put it in Thoughts or something, I don't know.

Writing:
While Link and Taelire are dressing the dragon, and talking about how cool it is that Taelire saved Link's life, they talk about all the dangerous stuff they've done. Saccoccio even says:

This is wishful character growth, which is a term I'm going to turn into a thing. From what I've seen on the pages, this has never happened before. It doesn't fit with anything that I know about either character, or with reality. Link is supposed to have never had any training with a sword, and I've said it up there, but hunters don't really risk life and limb every time they go after deer.

Again, I'm not a hunter, but from what I understand even the last remaining tribes of hunter/gatherers don't go hunting every day, and other than fuck, that basically all they have to do. Even if he's coming back with a kill a week, for a family of three, that seems like an excessive amount of meat.

I'm sure that these character were supposed to be doing something. Talking to a fucking tree, right? Is that not important anymore? Because it doesn't seem important to any of the characters anymore, and without that goal I have no idea what the plot of this story is. It took all of the last book to get us here, and nothing is happening.

That incredibly lame attempt to foreshadow some sinister purpose behind Link's quest means nothing when Saccoccio wastes 7 pages on butchering game and eating grapes. Yeah those sinister forces, that won't let Link die (?!) sure are bad. I hope they don't mind waiting around for any plot to happen.

And no bullshit philosophy has shown up this chapter, so it's anyone's guess why Saccoccio thinks that anyone reads his books. It apparently can't be to be entertained.

Edited to add:
Word Salad:
Sorry, I forgot this part. The dragon they killed has leathery bat-like wings. Covered in feathers.

Petty Nitpicking:
I ran with the SCA for a little under a decade, and spent a lot of time learning how to hit people with swords. One of the things you learn pretty fast, is how much physical force gets expended on swords and armor.

Do not, for any reason, buy a sword online, or out of a catalog, unless you know a lot about the maker. Because a poorly made sword will fly to pieces in your hand, in fight three or four. If you're really lucky, you'll only need stitches. I haven't actually seen anyone loose a finger, but I've heard horror stories. There's another thread somewhere about the feasibility of wooden handled weapons, and in my experience, you'd really better have an extra handle ready, because if you put a couple of knicks in it, you have a huge chance of cracking that haft in a match.

What's my point? Chainmail. About once a year some new guy would come in with a coat of chainmail he ordered online, and we'd show him what an idiot he was by hitting it with swords for a bit. After a day, the floor of the gym would be littered with broken links. Hundreds of them.

If those fucking dragon scales are weak enough to drill through an mount as a scale or something, the ring, or rivet, is going to tear right through it they second a sword hits it. The only other idea I can think of is that the blacksmith is going to use fucking glue or something. I imagine that Saccoccio thinks armor that's been hot glued together is a pretty good idea.

Thoughts:
If there was one thing wrong with this book it would be different. But it is so ineptly written that there really isn't one concrete thing to fix. But it would be a lot easier to read if it had a plot. I don't know what this book is about, and Saccoccio seem determined not to tell me. He wants this to be at least 10 books, and I imagine it'll take him that long just to figure out what this story is about.

 

I feel so conflicted about my addiction to this review process. It isn't the book itself that I find intriguing except in a "hey-let's-gawk-at-that-train-wreck" kind of way, but these reviews are the reason I keep checking for updates. As far as the LoZ connection, this story is taking eons to progress. He's written two books on less than 10 minutes of gameplay, so I have no idea how he plans to fit everything into the ten novels he anticipated. It feels tedious already.

Armor made to look like dragon scales I can understand, but made out of dragon scales? Given that it was pierced rather effortlessly by arrows, it would not be armor that I would want to wear.

 

Press A to skip tutorial. Please press A. Press A!
Goddammit.

Chapter 5: A Bloody Good Start


Events:
Something has happened between the time where the blacksmith said he'd make the armor and now. I don't know what it is, but Link is dreaming. It must not have been important, to fill that gaping hole in events, when there's raid strategy to explore later!

Link is standing on the sky when he sees a beautiful pair of eyes. The concept of theme came up in another thread, and I'll probably address it in Thoughts or something. But if Saccoccio hadn't mangled this idea into oblivion, I would say all these fucking eyes turn the theme into: A girl with pretty eyes is worth devoting your life to. I can say this pretty concretely because later on in the chapter a character will outright tell link that this girls eyes are so pretty, he should be her reason to live. Saccoccio has taken all of his relationship advice from Nintendo.

He's foating he sees the girl, she has “solar” eyes, whatever the fuck that means. Oh, he describes them.

It means blue. She has fucking blue eyes.


The girl tells him some weird Inception shit about how they made the world together, and they have to meet up. Then he falls, and he's falling onto the village, or maybe he can fly? The word choice isn't clear. Actually it's very clear, Saccoccio says:

And then, seconds later:

(italics in original, for no sane reason)
Saccoccio's editor really need's to do something about their ADHD.

Oh he's in the Bannitlarn Brother's house, where no one has a bed and everyone fell asleep at the table. I guess he didn't go home after kissing his mother, because other than a desire to bone, Saccoccio doesn't understand human feelings. Of course, he's avoiding the situation where he wants to bone his mother, but because Saccoccio never outlines why he's doing that, I don't think it counts.

The brothers are all worried because Link doesn't have anything in the world to live for. I guess his mom that he wants to bone doesn't figure into the world. But I'm not here to police his depression, just to point out that the way it's conveyed in the text is fucking stupid.

So they decide that Link needs some training and oh my fucking god it's a motherfucking tutorial level, cocksuking shit cunt.

They wander over to Neilath, who I'm going to call Neil, from here on out. There's four goddamn pages describing Neil's personality, that it would be absolutely inappropriate to find out from his actions. We learn he's an adventuring loner, a renegade, and outside, a straight-shooter, a maverick, who doesn't play by the book, and makes his own rules. He's also jealous of how rugged and adventuresome Link & Friends look.

It's just like in all of those action movies, when the rugged and experience fighter looks down on the new guys for being inexperienced, only exactly the opposite of that.

He's a "shadling" too. I don't know what that means, but after his this appears in his description it gets referenced a bunch of times, and I have no idea what it means.

I guess he's a super super Munchkin and can have three races.

And his house is powered by a watermill. What in his house is powered by a watermill isn't explained. Possibly a mill? That's what a watermill is for. Why does he have a mill in his house?

And he's dreamed about Link and that solar bint too. In fact, he dreamed about it so hard, he knows that they have to be together. Link has to find this little twat, and it's vitally important to...Saccoccio. And no one else.

Then they go sit down and eat in his house. It's not described, but I assume they have to yell over the sound of the mill, grinding away.

Link plops his sword on the table and Neil tells him that the sword is dangerous, because he doesn't have that little quim in his life. Without her, teaching him to sword is a ridiculous endeavor. Also, some stuff about how Link is also a shadean. I'm pretty sure with a real edit, this would have been mentioned before now.

In a now familiar escalation of what we might generously call “tension,” Link cuts Neil's fucking hands off. We know that Baelwyn has his fucking healing magic, so as a tension builder it's about as effective as having a character spring flat tire, 20 feet away from a Tires Plus. Dani mind rapes Neil's fairies, and it's pretty clear that 1.) All she is there to do is to neutralize other elve's fairies, and 2.) All the other fairies are Henry VIII level impotent.

So they start the tutorial. It's really great to see everyone's favorite part of a game brought to life on the pages of a book! If there had been any plot up until now, I would welcome the way it was stopped dead in it's tracks, so that I could learn how this team is going to fight together! It's made better by the fact that there are no stakes, no one is in danger, and the effect this is going to have on future events is limited in even the best (worst) case scenario!

Neil explains everyone's class role, like he's getting ready for a boss raid. If you want to see what that's like, go to youtube and search for WoW boss fight explanations. After 30 seconds if you don't burn your computer in boredom you're technically brain dead, or you actively play World of Warcraft. I'm so sorry.

There is less point in my outlining the “strategy” that Saccoccio goes into, even than his doing it himself. So I'll just skip all that and tell you that Neil is now in the party. They have a 5 man. They'll probably get ready for some heroic dungeons next.

Writing:
I'm not going to go into how technically pointless describing a raid strategy is. If you're reading this and you're thinking, “But Jack, we need to know what their roles in combat are, so that, when actual action happens the reader will be prepared to...I don't know...fight along side them, I guess.” In that case my response to you us, “Dylan, your ineptitude with the written word is such that, if there were any justice, you'd never be able to write, so much as a tweet, again.”

There is simply no rationally conceivable reason that this should be included in the writing.

But I promised to talk about theme a little bit, and this is as good a place as any. In another thread a user was talking about how his readers might not “get” his theme, but he shouldn't have to spell it out for them. This is book is the end result of a theme that no reader “gets,” a fact which Saccoccio himself has gloated over.

That's a big problem for him as an author. Partly because Saccoccio believes in the Wisdom of “magick” which absolutely requires human belief to exist, because it does not exist. But mostly because his readers will figure out a theme for his books, and if he doesn't do it right, they aren't going to figure out the one that he wants.

In that interview, linked below
http://tenminuteinterviews.com/dylan-saccoccio/
Saccoccio talks about how his readers should discover Natural Fucking Law, and his characters talk a lot about Natural Fucking Law. But just because his characters talk about it, does not make it a theme. If I didn't know anything about what Saccoccio has said in interviews, I'd say the theme is “Girls with special eyes are very special,” because about once a chapter Saccoccio has to describe some bitch's magical fucking eyes.

In fact, in his interview here:
https://authorsinterviews.wordpress.com/2014/11/17/here-is-my-interview-with-dylan-saccoccio/
he talks about how wonderful this girl with the fucking solar eyes is to him, and how he had to write a book about her because of the deep meaning of dreams. He himself isn't aware of the theme, or at least the theme that he is conveying.

Word Salad:
Link is thinking about the problem with wanting to bone his mother, and having a dream side piece. On the other hand, the dream cooze is super important, despite showing up 2/3 of the way through the second book. Maybe his mother is the side piece? Anyway, here's the next example of Saccoccio's war on Miriam Webster

I guess the truth of wanting to bone your mom is broken in a way that can never be repaired, so we'll call this a tie.

Thoughts:
Of course I made a tutorial joke in chapter 4, fully expecting that it would happen, so I can't pretend to be disappointed that it did. Or maybe I can. I have a right to feel whatever I feel, especially about this book.

But I'm really not disappointed, if anything I'm impressed. There really isn't any bad idea that Saccoccio isn't willing to endorse as wholeheartedly as he possibly can. In a way that's something amazing all on its own. Shear ineptitude could not account alone for how bad this book is, or how thoroughly mismanaged was the process that created it. The only real explanation is that real writing techniques were studied, and then actively revolted against. I can only assume that Saccocio's editor, and every beta reader he showed this to were personally invested with a desire to see him fail.

 

A note for @jannert, whom I know is reading this, @GingerCoffee, who I don't believe is, @Lea`Brooks who stays away from me, and other people who don't like the word "cunt." I use, and will use, a lot of synonyms for vagina to describe "the girl with the solar eyes" and all of them are purposefully offensive. I understand that they will probably be upset you, and I want you to know that I commiserate.

However, the addition of a girl, whose only described characteristic is a body part, no matter how spectacular that body part is, is really no more offensive if it's her eyes or her reproductive organs. This is my attempt to point out that Saccoccio has reduced a woman to nothing more than a visually appealing organ. It might as well be her cunny.

Also, I think these words are hilarious on their own. I understand completely if that offends you, and I apologize that I'm not going to stop, or change it.

 

??? Not sure why you think this would upset me. It doesn't, used in the context you're using it in. You'd be smush on the pavement if you called me one, though! Smush. Absolute smush.... growl....

 

The guy screams OW! because he got hit with a grape? Is this what Saccoccio thinks grapeshot is?

 

Oh, I thought I recalled a thread in which the use of vulgar synonyms came up, and you were rather vociferously against them. Sorry for misunderstanding you.

 

Yeah, I don't know why I was tagged in this either.