1. Hendolphin Langhaus
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    Hendolphin Langhaus New Member

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    Papers scatter the street?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Hendolphin Langhaus, Mar 21, 2012.

    Hey there, I've a question about a song I'm writing:

    I want to describe papers being caught in the wind and scattering in the street. What I'd like to say is 'A pack of schoolgirls whoop and call / while her papers scatter the street', though I have a suspicion that it aught to be 'scatter in the street'.

    Is 'scatter the street' incorrect?

    Cheers,
     
  2. funkybassmannick
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    funkybassmannick Contributing Member

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    "In the street" is correct. Otherwise the papers are actually scattering the street :p
     
  3. Hendolphin Langhaus
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    Hendolphin Langhaus New Member

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    Thanks for the reply, yeah I thought that was the case damnit! I was holding on to the idea that there may be some loophole somewhere :)
     
  4. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    while her papers swirl to the street
    while her papers litter the street

    is street needed for a rhyme?

    Her papers aloft on the breeze
     
  5. Hendolphin Langhaus
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    Hendolphin Langhaus New Member

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    Hey Cogito, street isn't needed for a rhyme, the verse is ...

    I watch a woman slip and fall,
    He hits the road like a wrecking ball,
    A pack of schoolgirls whoop and call
    While her papers scatter in the street.

    It's just that the final line has too many syllables for my taste when it's 'in the street'. Hmmm, maybe litter the street is good.... Thanks!
     
  6. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    i actually like the rhythm of that last line... it's a well-crafted stanza... and i'm a full time poet and i mentor aspiring ones, am next to never able to lavish such praise on anyone... so consider yourself blessed! ;)

    but shouldn't the second line begin with 'she' since it's a 'woman' who fell?... and capitals to start every line has not been the standard for good poetry for going on a hundred years... it's used nowadays only for greeting cards and schlocky wall hangings...

    keep up the good work!

    love and hugs, maia
     
  7. Hendolphin Langhaus
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    Hendolphin Langhaus New Member

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    Well thank you very much Mammamaia!

    Yes, it should be 'she' - that's a typo. That's good to know about capitalisation, I'm only just getting into poetry to be honest, but I have much exploration planned...

    Thanks!
     
  8. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    write away, hen!... you clearly have a feel for poetry and your talent comes through loud and clear in that one stanza... you're amazingly good at it for a beginner!... i'd love to read more of your poetic musings...

    feel free to email me if you want feedback on completed pieces you want to submit, as posting them could limit your chances with publishers...
     
  9. digitig
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    digitig Contributing Member Contributor

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    I can see what Hendolphin means about the rhythm. A shorter line can give a decisive feel to the end of the stanza (as Tennyson's used to good effect in The Charge of the Light Brigade). My instinct would be to get rid of the street altogether:
    I watch a woman slip and fall;
    she hits the road like a wrecking ball.
    A pack of schoolgirls whoop and call.
    Her papers fly around.

    But give me time and I'd probably change my mind again.
     
  10. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    to the ear, either end line 'sound' can be effective, dig... but my ear seems to prefer the longer ending...
     
  11. digitig
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    digitig Contributing Member Contributor

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    I can certainly see how either could work. But it's Hendolphin's poem, so ultimately he has to decide what he likes best.
     

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