1. k.little90
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    k.little90 Active Member

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    People Are So Shallow

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by k.little90, Jul 15, 2009.

    I'm so tired of people judging me because of my weight. I've been on the bigger side since I was little, and because of little kids teasing me and such, I grew up with a horrible image of myself. I mean, for goodness sake people, a healthy weight for my height is 138-142 and I weight 158. GOSH.

    I just got out of a messy relationship, and one of my friends was trying to help. "I have this guy friend," she said, "that's really nice. And you're really nice. So you two should be nice together!" Corny, I know, but I'm to where just as long as it's someone 'nice' to talk to I'm game. She ended up giving him my number, and he and I hit it off really well and texted on and off for about a week. It finally got to where he wanted to meet. I was/am still gun-shy since my breakup, so I kept putting it off. Finally he asked if he could look me up on facebook. He texted me up until I added him, and then the texts suddenly stopped. When I asked my gal pal about it, wondering what I had done, she got really awkward and explained that I was "not like the girls he normally dated.' It pissed me off that her explanation was so vague, so I pressed her for more, and she finally said he stopped talking to me because he thinks I'm too big. Lame.

    I'm so tired of it. I'm like 15 lbs over healthy, and yes I'm aware that I probably need to exercise more and crap but I'm so tired of people just seeing what's on the outside. Why can't they take the time to get to know me before they judge? I have enough image problems with myself that having yet another person point it out and judge me so entirely on it is extremely painful.

    Anyway... thank you for letting me rant. I feel better getting it all out :)
     
  2. Torana
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    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

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    I have always had a similar problem, people judging me because of my weight. My problem is that I look like I have an eating disorder, but I don't. I was tested all the time as I was growing up for eating disorders, but all the could come down to was that I had a very high metabolism. Hence years of torture through schooling because I was so damn thin and I even get it now. (Even with being pregnant, I still cop it. They say I look like a broom stick with a basketball stuck to it)

    I had a guy say to my face that he liked my personality, but I was far too skinny and he didn't want to know me because of it. It really pissed me off.

    I am lucky enough that I found a sweet guy who loves me for who I am and not what I look like. I'm sorry that you are getting treated like that, it is cruel and not deserving. Not all guys out there are like it though. Guys like the one who ignored you because of your size really aren't worth crapping on. It is his loss, not yours. Remember that. He missed out on having a really wonderful girlfriend who would have treated him with respect and actually cared about him and his feelings.

    Don't let people make you feel bad about who you are and what you look like. Fragg them! They are the ones with the problem, NOT YOU! You are better off without a judgmental, arrogant, self centered swine in your life, because the more time you are stuck with a guy like that, the less chance you have to find the complete opposite that will make your life really happy. Believe me, I've been down that road many of times and now I've found the total opposite and couldn't be happier.

    <hugs>

    I am glad you feel better getting it all out and hope that you feel a lot better soon.

    Sherie
     
  3. Dr. Doctor
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    Dr. Doctor Contributing Member

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    I was going to say something about how I don't see why someone should be in a relationship with someone they don't find physically attractive as well as mentally/emotionally attractive, but really I don't think 15 lbs overweight is a huge deal...sounds like he's just too picky. ): And he didn't even bother to meet you aside from Facebook? That's pretty sad. Forget about him.

    Still, though, I'd recommend exercising more like you said. You can't expect for the guy to do all the work when you're not even going to put in some extra work yourself towards looking better and feeling better, you know?
     
  4. Ferb
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    Ferb Member

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    I have a supposedly healthy weight for my height, but I still look fat anyway. To other people, and to myself. Oh well.
     
  5. ChaseRoberts
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    ChaseRoberts Senior Member

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    I've always been big- I was 10lbs 7 oz when I was born, and I looked about two when I was six months old. Thing is, I'm entirely in proportion, just in proportion larger than other people.

    There's been men in the past, and indeed, I suspect, my evil ex just now, who don't want to be seen with a 'fattie', which is rubbish, since I'm quite fit. I mean, I spend up to 12 hours a day on my feet moving people, scrubbing floors and making beds...

    You have my deepest sympathies. Nothing stings quite as much as the feeling of being dismissed for something that you cannot help. And rest assured, that bloke is a) clearly a moron and b) missing out big time.
     
  6. Ragnar
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    Ragnar Contributing Member

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    Same here lol ^^ 6.5 and generally large. Broad shoulders and all of that stuff.

    Well I don't really know if I have a right to judge him or not - being an... avoider of human contact usually. But still, he sounds like an a-hole and if he doesn't want to be with you, you got off easily. ;)

    What's important about weight anyway. I learned long since that personality and looks have nothing to do with each other, whatsoever. Well I found out that people with low self-esteem that are self conscious about their weight can still be shallow couple of years ago, but the other part I learned back at 11 I think. Hmm. Or maybe I had my suspicions even then. I was a weird kid.
     
  7. Mercurial
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    Mercurial Contributing Member Contributor

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    Sorry to hear this, K.Little. :( But it's nothing new, as people on this thread have made clear, and it's not just about being a little overweight. I've been all over the scale too, both too heavy and too thin, and I was made fun of for both --and made fun of for being healthy...

    There will always be a jerk boyfriend, there will always be an insensitive friend, there will always be someone thinner and there will always be some heavier, and there will always be people who want you to change. Just like you shouldnt change your personality for someone, you shouldnt have to change your body. You should only change yourself, inside or out, if you want to. (Besides, if you do it for someone else, odds are against you. ;) )

    The best thing you can do is please yourself. If you like the way you are, dont change, never change. Only someone who feels weak and is shaky with self esteem will give into the wishes of others before themselves --in this case, at least.

    And yes, people are shallow. All the plastic surgery stuff.. no need to develop a personality; just cut my face! :rolleyes: I dont think so.

    Be yourself, enjoy yourself, and love yourself --everything else will fall into place.
    :love:
     
  8. Camdyn-Swift
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    Camdyn-Swift New Member

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    Well. He sounds like a total tool-bag. :) Trust me, there ARE good guys out there. I was playing cards with a few guys the other night, and one of them was a little drunk. He was babbling about how he hated people that were anything unlike himself, basically, being the douche that he is, and spouted off about how he absolutely despised fat people. I rolled my eyes and shook my head, expecting to be the person who had to step up to the plate (as always, it seems) and defend his targets. I used to be way, way...WAY over-weight when I was younger. Right about high school, though, I started running every day and when I became a slim size, I started dancing, so between the two I've maintained a size that I love and is perfect for me (which is a good-thing, because have you seen some of the outfits dancers wear in competition?!). So, personally, I had taken offense to this. I opened my mouth to speak, ready to inform him that I used to be chubby, and my personality hadn't changed. Would he be okay with me being around if I still had the extra pounds? Would he still be giving his unwanted opinion about his adversity to 'fat' people? All of the sudden, though, before I could interrupt his rant, a guy down the table put down a card and spoke up. He was a rather good looking guy, too, and from what I could tell, he had an amazing personality. He stopped douche-bag in the middle of his sentence and informed him that 'he judged people by their character, and not their appearance'. He even made a sly comment at the end there about how girls with a little extra were more fun, because it gave him something to hold on to. ;) SO. Now that I have this little story out there...I want you to see that not everyone judges upon outward appearances. Not everyone is shallow. And there is NOTHING wrong with the way you are as long as YOU'RE happy. Don't do something just to please others, because you compromise yourself in the process. If you feel like you would be more confident and joyous if you lost five pounds, go for it. You can absolutely do it! And if you have trouble with will-power, I'll be glad to PM with you about it and help encourage you. If you feel content the way you are, then stay the way you are because I'm sure you're fabulous! You're a good person, and you don't have to be a size three to be beautiful. Some of the more gorgeous friends I have are curvy, rather than thin. Don't let that jack-off be the cause of you doing something that you're not into, though. Do whatever you choose to do for him, not shallow people who don't matter. :)
     
  9. Ragnar
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    Ragnar Contributing Member

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    I am male. And I am not shallow. And I must say that everyone I have ever asked has told me that I am absolutely stunning. Also, needless to say, my personality is simply breathtaking. I say we clone enough of me for everyone out of pure charity ^^

    (That was a joke. Maybe it's not very funny but it's 10:39 AM and I haven't slept yet.)
     
  10. Camdyn-Swift
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    Camdyn-Swift New Member

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    LOL. I find it funny...but I too have not slept in approximately twenty-four hours...I also found the words spatula to be hilarious a few minutes ago.

    This could be biased...
     
  11. ChaseRoberts
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    ChaseRoberts Senior Member

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    The thing is though, we're all guilty of being shallow at one point or another. Whether it is down to who we decide we want to date/not date, or in other aspects of our lives, we all have our little quirks and prejudices.

    I'll admit, I have some. Regardless of how lovely the person was, how sparkling their wit and intellegence, how much they made me laugh, I just would not date a person with lots of freckles. Yes it's shallow. Yes it's irrational.
    This is something which has confounded myself and others in the past. As a general rule, I'm quite (struggling with a phrase here that doesn't make me sound like a loose woman) unjudging when it comes to dating men. My friends always comment on how I pick men for their personality, and how they couldn't do it (they're self professed shallow folk, now both in entirely rubbish relationships with men who Look Good- there's a lesson there).
    But freckles.

    There was also another time a friend of a friend passed on my number to a soldier in the Royal Scots. He was away at the time, so we texted and talked on the phone for about three weeks before we met. He sounded lovely, and we got on really well.
    I had a party and he came up with my group of friends. We met, and I was 'mmmmm, you're quite fit'. And then he walked into my livingroom, looked at my bookshelf and asked 'what do you need all those for?'
    :eek:
    'err, reading' I responded.
    'can you not just watch the film?' he replied.

    I must admit, that night, I was shallow. I couldn't date someone who doesn't at least understand the concept of reading books.

    So I'll put up my hands and admit to it. Anyone else brave enough?
     
  12. Banzai
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    Banzai One-time Mod, but on the road to recovery Contributor

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    I wouldn't have called that shallow, really. It's more, not wanting to date someone who doesn't share your interests.
     
  13. Ashleigh
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    Ashleigh Contributing Member Contributor

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    I don't see any shame in being a shallow person from time to time, within reason.

    Nobody is perfect, and I really do begrudge people saying that they aren't/have never been two faced, or bitchy, or even relatively shallow.
    It's crap - we are naturally, whether you say so outloud or not.


    Personally, a guy being overweight really doesn't bother me. However, I do have a problem with overly-skinny guys (that make an effort to be that way). It isn't so much an attraction issue, but to me it seems alot stranger for a guy to be psychologically inbalanced enough to forcibly keep himself sickly thin - I'll give an example. I know an extremely vain homosexual guy, who believes that his confidence and sexuality gives him the right to critiscize others for their weight whilst keeping himself bone-thin as though it were some sort of competition. I find this kind of attitude absolutely repulsive, and if anything, I'm not nearly as shallow as he is for disliking him.

    I guess I can't stand people who are shallow about trivial/personal things.

    If a guy is overweight to an extreme simply because he is greedy, then again, I would take a more shallow viewpoint. If he's so absent minded, ignorant, and self-absorbed that he could allow himself to become dangerously overweight and ignore the health issues, then I myself couldn't be involved.

    (Please understand that the above comments are reguarding people who make an effort to become that way - not people that naturally struggle with weight issues)


    Other things such as Hygene bother me ALOT - If somebody doesn't wash, and quite is quite visibly a filthy person, then there's no way in hell that i'd date them. I don't find that shallow, though - just having basic standards. If they were a friend, however, then i'd have to politely let them know that they need to take better care of themselves.

    If a guy didn't like books and had no sense of humour, then I wouldn't give them a second glance. (Past experience with such boring, uneducated guys have taught me this) - there is no attraction there in the first place.

    If there is no attraction, or a visible defect at the fault of that person, then no, I wouldn't be interested at all - it's shallow to an extent, but not wrong of me at all.

    Making judgements of people is a natural thing - but discrimination against weight purely to hurt people or make themselves feel better is disgusting, and comes under the 'BULLY' label if you ask me.
     
  14. Dr. Doctor
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    Dr. Doctor Contributing Member

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    Yeah, I have to agree, we have all been shallow at one point or another. Is it that wrong of me to not be attracted to girls who are wider than I am (which is a fairly moderate, average size)? I mean, I don't have a problem with being taller than them, shorter, older, younger, etc., but I don't think I'd be scrambling to date a lady who is fat or overly overweight. I'd give them a chance if their personality was really wondrous, but it'd have to be a real knockout of a personality, if I must say so.

    We just can't help it. Physical attraction is a big part of dating and relationships, that can't be denied. We can't and shouldn't force ourselves to date people who we aren't attracted to physically.
     
  15. 67Kangaroos
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    67Kangaroos Contributing Member

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    i sometimes catch myself assuming i'm smarter than my bf. i read all the time, he doesn't like to read. i find i lack confidence that his education (4 year degree in IT) is sufficient to get him a job in the u.s. (he's from the philippines). that's my shallowness shining through.

    then, i remind myself he got his family through floods, rewired all the electricity in his house, and if we got marooned on an island, he could keep us fed and sheltered (like my own personal bear grylls *swoon*). intelligence comes in different forms, and it's good to recognize that.
     
  16. hiddennovelist
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    hiddennovelist Contributing Member Contributor

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    I don't think that deciding you don't want to date someone because you're not attracted to them is shallow. Everyone has different tastes-just because a person has some qualities that don't float your boat doesn't mean you're shallow because of it. That's not to say that I disagree about everyone having their shallow moments...I just don't agree that choosing not to date someone because they're not your type is one of them.[/quote]


    I'm going to agree with Banzai on this one. I don't think it's shallow to not want to date someone who so obviously doesn't share your interests.
     
  17. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Being selective isn't shallow. Choosing someone for their decorative quality is shallow.
     
    1 person likes this.
  18. hiddennovelist
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    hiddennovelist Contributing Member Contributor

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    Thank you. That's exactly what I was trying to get across.
     
  19. ChaseRoberts
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    ChaseRoberts Senior Member

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    So not being able to look past masses of freckles is shallow.

    Oh dearie me.

    I just can't help it though. Freckles scare me.
     
  20. Ragnar
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    Ragnar Contributing Member

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    You just made yourself a life-long enemy. I have freckles. I can't do anything about that. I shall destroy all freckle-haters if it's the last thing I do!:p (I don't really have that many.)

    Short of a self centered bimbo(that's not me being shallow that's me holding a grudge), I would date pretty much anyone. Doesn't hurt to give someone a chance. Uh I think I would anyway. If we have nothing in common then I might say no as well.
     
  21. 67Kangaroos
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    67Kangaroos Contributing Member

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    *has freckles* i used to hate my freckles, but now i find them kinda cute...
    ...
    *67's freckles stare down chaseroberts* scary :D hehehe~
     
  22. Ragnar
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    Ragnar Contributing Member

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    Freckle + Japanese speakers unit ^^
     
  23. hiddennovelist
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    hiddennovelist Contributing Member Contributor

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    Ok, I'm obviously not expressing myself clearly, because that's not what I meant at all.
     
  24. Ragnar
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    Ragnar Contributing Member

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    Let's just take a look at the word itself, shallow, it refers to a certain shallowness, a lack of depth in the choice of partner.

    So if you choose your partners solely based on the fact that they don't have freckles and they look good otherwise, you are shallow. If you choose your partners with more care, say... that they have common interests or that you like their personality, the way they think or something even more profound, you are not shallow. That's the way I see it anyway. If you really like someone as a person, I have my doubts that freckles would stop you. I have had some of my though "preferences" proven wrong.

    Also animal instincts may tell some of us to go after the "pretty ones". The failure to defeat to defeat such an unnecessary instinct can be seen as a certain shallowness to the person's mind, or consciousness if you will. (I said can, I don't necessarily see it that way. If you can combine physical attraction with "mental attraction" good for you ^^)

    When you're a teenager(at the very least, I still am one according to some definitions) you can easily fall in love with someone who's personality you dislike, even hate. Call it a shallow kind of love if you will. Heart racing, thoughts centered on said person etc. Now should you treat them any different just because a chemical process tells you that you should reproduce with them? I tried not to, I'm pretty sure I didn't act differently in most of those cases. Maybe this was to uphold some sense of integrity I don't know but I feel that going against some of your instincts is only natural if you want to think yourself better than animals.

    Maybe this makes sense, or maybe I'm weird or even an idiot :redface:
     
  25. sophie.
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    sophie. Contributing Member

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    What a total and utter dick/arsehole/twat......:( Bad luck. If he that rude, then you're well away from him.
     

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