1. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    please finish this sentence

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by erebh, Mar 9, 2013.

    Please finish this sentence, it's driving me bananas

    She knelt on the bed and peeled off her shirt revealing perfect breasts that sat on her chest like ...............................

    please please please - 1200 words tonight and this is killing me
     
  2. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    sat on her chest? I think your problem begins there.
     
  3. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    if she's leaning back on her knees they could sit, couldn't they? sprung from? aarrgghhh maybe I need to leave it a day or two and it'll come to me. I've been toying with this one sentence too long...
     
  4. Audrey
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    Audrey New Member

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    ....modest apples?
    ....oranges?
    I don't think the sentence is all that incredible to begin with...can you modify it? "Sat on her chest does not seem to be a good way to describe breasts.
     
  5. live2write
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    live2write Contributing Member

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    Question: Why are you trying to describer what her breasts look like attached to her? Honestly sitting on her chest?? Does not sound sensual.

    Possible answer I have: She knelt on on the bed, peeling off her skirt revealing her breasts, sculpted by nature's artistic perfection of beauty.
     
  6. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    to be honest I don't know what I'm trying to say - I kinda think I have something but have exhausted everything - I know it all sounds crap. Just thought I'd throw it out there before I throw it out.

    She knelt on the bed and peeled off her shirt revealing perfect breasts. no need for the simile?
     
  7. live2write
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    live2write Contributing Member

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    Well perfect breasts are up to interpretation. Possibly you would be better off leaving like that.
     
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  8. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Bingo! Let the reader fill in the details, based on his or her personal preferences. Works much better.
     
  9. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    thanks guys...
     
  10. John Eff
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    John Eff Member

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    In which case....

    She knelt on the bed and peeled off her shirt revealing perfect breasts that sat on her chest like two airships trying to reverse into the same parking space.

    As others have said, my advice would be to keep similes to the bare minimum (there's probably a joke in there somewhere). Unless done well, they can smack of amateurism, and while we are mainly amateurs here, our goal is to appear not to be.
     
  11. SwampDog
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    SwampDog Contributing Member

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    .
    If I'd written that you'd have been talking about the physical impossibility of her being a banana or orange because of peeling off her shirt. Perhaps if she was a banana-shaped contortionist it would be possible. As with sex in the shower, accuracy and physical possibility is key. :p

    Joking aside - I may have framed it as: Kneeling on the bed, knees slightly apart, she allowed her shirt to slip from her shoulders, revealing firm breasts and a sensual figure unmarred by time or indulgence.

    'Perfection' is subjective, of course. Some may find banana-shaped dangly boobs 'perfect', so it may be difficult describing what the author judges as perfect, when the reader may have other ideas. :)
     
  12. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    an intriguing freudian slip, or merely a finger-slip on the keyboard, live2write? ;)

    reminds me of a photo i saw many decades ago of an african grandmother with one looong teat thrown over her shoulder so the infant tied to her back could suck on it, for comfort...
     
  13. jwideman
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    jwideman Senior Member

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    I suspect you're having a problem finding the right simile because you already know what I know - you shouldn't use one here. Similes should never replace description. I know what breasts look like, but I don't know what HER breasts look like. As an author, you must paint that picture for me.
     
  14. cswillson
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    cswillson Member

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    That sentence isn't working. Why not throw it away and write a different one?
     
  15. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    I agree to leave it as perfect breasts leaving interpretation to the reader, if they prefer one slung over the shoulder or both banana shapes then so be it - I'm not saying different.

    @mammamaia - I did notice the skirt but left it as a typo

    thanks again guys
     
  16. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    yikes. Well I guess that would be more comfortable for the infant than hanging the poor tyke in front of her knees as she walks...
     
  17. cazann34
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    cazann34 Active Member

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    Cog is right. Not only does the word 'sat' seem wrong but the whole sentence is jarring. Firstly, who kneels on a bed and secondly, calling the breast prefect and then going on to say they 'sat' on her chest makes me want to leap to a comically end for the sentence. My first thought was coconuts.

    I think you need to rephrase the sentence. Here's my attempt: She stood in front of the full length mirror, undone her shirt to reveal her perfectly pert breasts.
     
  18. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think you mean "undid" not undone. And you need "and" after the comma.

    Sorry to quibble but I'm not sure if the OP is a native speaker and some grammar fundamentals are sometimes necessary.

    I have problems with the kneeling, the "sat"--it makes them sound saggy or huge, my brain just fills in "like cantaloupes" and also the word "peel" as shirts don't usually "peel off" unless she's been taking part in a wet tshirt contest. And here's another thing: where's her bra?
    If her breasts are so damn perfect, they shouldn't need describing, really. "She popped her bra to reveal perfect breasts." There you go.
     
  19. Sheriff Woody
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    Sheriff Woody Active Member

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    Sorry, but this sounds like a rap song.

    She knelt on the bed and peeled off her shirt
    revealing perfect breasts on her chest like nature's dessert


    I recommend less simile and more simply letting the words do their intended job.
     
  20. JJ_Maxx
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    JJ_Maxx Banned

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    Well, I have no problem with kneeling on the bed, because when women 'enter' the bed, and the man is lying down, she is usually crawling on all fours toward the man. As soon as she decides to remove her shirt, she 'rears up' on her knees and peels her shirt off.

    I personally think that 'peel' is a great word, because women who wear tight shirts would slowly pull it off and 'peel' is a perfect mental image. Also, I'm assuming there's no bra here?

    Using a simile is weaker than just using description. I would write this as such:

    Yikes, my own writing is making me long for my sweetheart! Okay, moving on...

    ~ J. J.

    "
     
  21. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    wow this has been done to death now - I think twice I've agreed its better to leave it without the simile but to answer of couple of questions:

    Who kneels on a bed? Her boyfriend is lying on the bed, she's kneeling astride him looking into his eyes, she takes off her top blah blah blah - so of course anyone can kneel on a bed

    She can't peel of a shirt? Why not? It's tight fitting and she's trying to seduce him.

    Where's her bra? They haven't been invented yet.

    @madhoca "Sorry to quibble but I'm not sure if the OP is a native speaker and some grammar fundamentals are sometimes necessary."

    Where in my original query/question are grammar fundamentals non existent? -
    She knelt on the bed and peeled off her shirt revealing perfect breasts that sat on her chest like ...............................

    and what makes you think I am not a native English speaker?
     
  22. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    thank you JJ
     
  23. JJ_Maxx
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    JJ_Maxx Banned

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    You're welcome. I think it was good and you're one step up on me, as I haven't tackled any sexual scenes yet. One of these days though!

    Cheers.

    ~ J. J.
     
  24. cazann34
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    cazann34 Active Member

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    If you glance to your left you will see I am from Scotland, that is in the United Kingdom, which is in Europe. I'm not sure what you mean by 'native speaker' but I do speak English with a Scottish accent, obviously, and tend to write how I speak, which can cause some confusion.
     
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  25. peachalulu
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    peachalulu Contributing Member Reviewer Contributor

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    I always find such sentences depend on tone -

    She knelt on the bed and peeled off her shirt revealing a nice set of peaches.

    She knelt on the bed and peeled off her shirt revealing small, but lovely breasts.

    She knelt on the bed and peeled off her shirt. Wow.
     

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