1. The End

    The End New Member

    Jun 5, 2010
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    Poem up for Critique

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by The End, Apr 18, 2013.

    I wrote this poem a little while ago and wanted some feedback on it. For some background. The poem is a prophecy/story that will be fulfilled and told also as a fantastical fairy-tale. I mainly wish to see if the poem is understandable without having any knowledge of the plot but also remain a mystery so that the whole story is not revealed through the prophetic poem. Let me know what you guys think! Thanks!


    Hearken to my tale of woe –
    Once two lovers in paradise,
    Deep in affection both did grow.
    Their love so strong confound the wise,
    Like sun and moon they did arise,
    Fountains of life from lovers flow,
    Spreading joy to heavenly skies!
    (Hearken to my tale of woe) –
    Family and friends all rejoiced,
    Feasts and dances so all would know:
    The happiness of lovers choice,
    Villagers cheered in one voice,
    “Lovers strong! Blessed seed thee shall sow!
    In thine binding will all rejoice!”
    (Hearken to my tale of woe) –
    For days on end were song and dance,
    The Day would come but time moved slow,
    The groom cast her a joyous glance,
    Bride blooming in brilliant romance,
    Knelt down as the union bestow,
    But vow put arrest by cruel chance,
    Hearken to my tale of woe!

    Oh lament! Oh hear my cry –
    Jealous friend wreath in bitter hate
    Came upon the lovers, said “Fie!”
    Through dark arts, he changed their fate,
    Never would lovers be elate.
    Immortal, lovers cannot die,
    Their life, by vile friend, would dictate.
    (Oh lament! Oh hear my cry) –
    His anger burned against their love,
    Disaster, pain their alibi;
    Lovers wept for help from above;
    Lovers now sacrificial dove.
    Divinity only stood by,
    Destiny caught in painful love.
    (Oh lament! Oh hear my cry) –
    Lovers song is a mournful sound.
    She gives a deep, sorrowful sigh,
    He wars upon his own heart-mound,
    Conflicted, twisted lives they found.
    From tyrannic friend the lovers fly,
    Fate and destiny will come 'round,
    Oh lament! Oh hear my cry!

    Weep oh Child of Destiny! –
    Born to cursed father and mother,
    Living as free, but vanity,
    Born to fulfill the defiler;
    Born to die a hopeless fighter.
    Innocent child, I wish on me
    All the pain that thou must suffer.
    (Weep oh Child of Destiny) –
    To tragedy and death thou go,
    Born to fulfill sad prophecy,
    Led as bastard down to death row,
    A fate chosen thou did not know.
    Slaughtered though naught for fallacy,
    Oh dear child in pain thou will grow.
    (Weep oh Child of Destiny) –
    Friends and family fade away,
    Passed through veil to eternity,
    Alone and broken all thine days,
    Pitch darkness hiding sunlit rays,
    Sorrow consumes and never free,
    Entangled ever in cursed fray,
    Weep oh Child of Destiny!

    Doomsayer, I proclaim doom! –
    Unbidden words mine mouth spits out,
    Calling pain upon lovers swoon,
    Doom comes forth from deep gaping fount,
    Only death to all do I shout.
    Til end of days and dying moon,
    For months, years, and lives beyond count.
    (Doomsayer, I proclaim doom) –
    Aid mine gifts but all powerless.
    Over me evil stands to croon,
    Truth spoken to conflicted mess,
    Offer naught say future confess.
    Shadows dark overhead do loom,
    Naught but sorrow do I possess.
    (Doomsayer, I proclaim doom) –
    Helpless I watch as all unfolds,
    Sorcerer released his dark fume,
    Enslaved to an Oracle mold,
    Forever spent in bitter cold;
    Awaiting love, not come too soon,
    Young now and to never grow old.
    Doomsayer, I would proclaim doom!

    Mourn my love! The loss of life –
    Bound to serve thy cruel enemy
    Against thy will to join the strife.
    Forced to watch for eternity
    Thy child's slow death in agony.
    With thy hand sharpened butcher's knife;
    All for fake friend's insanity.
    (Mourn my love! The loss of life) –
    Fighting family 'gainst they will,
    Taking hope from children and wife,
    Crying thine life to be made still
    But naught to end til cup be fill'd.
    To war thee march to lose thy life
    But to life again after kill'd.
    (Mourn my love! The loss of life) –
    Set path for thee forevermore,
    Broken family caught in strife;
    Thy scarred heart for son so sore,
    “Revenge” thee shouts in bitter roar.
    But again thou come to butcher's knife,
    Unable to free or tip the score.
    Mourn my love! The loss of life!

    Divinity! Hear my plea –
    Are all paths stuck in hardened stone?
    Are thine choices made truly free?
    Does thee know all secrets unknown?
    Can the future to men be shown?
    Our eyes opened to freely see
    Consequences of actions sown?
    (Divinity! Hear my plea) –
    Choices and fate by men be made;
    Such the tales and stories decree.
    So stand strong; be not afraid!
    By honor evil's held at bay!
    Thy mind chooses bondage or free,
    Now stand upon foundation laid.
    (Divinity! Hear my plea) –
    Future, present, past, before you;
    Spread wide open for thee to see,
    And through all of time thee has't flew,
    Nothing under the sun is new.
    Through all the ages thee will be
    And set to spin all that has't grew.
    Divinity! Hear my plea!

    Hearken all to end of days –
    A time will come where pain shall end;
    When each shall go separate ways.
    The prophecy shall at last bend
    To end the rule of cruel friend.
    Blood by blood, his life debt he pays,
    To the pit at last, he be sent.
    (Hearken all to end of days) –
    Risen greater still, more evil.
    Evil of past renewed old frays.
    Children weep, women cry their fill,
    Men tremble, but valor shines still.
    For this, lovers' seed shall not stray,
    But unite their fate to fulfill.
    (Hearken all to end of days) –
    Though strong heroes in future song:
    Tragedy shall guide thine dark ways.
    Weep! For thy life shall not be long.
    In death, vict'ry to thee belong.
    Evil stayed by the life thee lays,
    At last to rest in homeward throng.
    Hearken all to end of days!
  2. Cogito

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    May 19, 2007
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    Massachusetts, USA
    Please read the site rules.
  3. The End

    The End New Member

    Jun 5, 2010
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    My bad. I didn't know those rules...I'll do that all that first then repost this in the poetry section.
  4. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Nov 21, 2006
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    Coquille, Oregon
    meanwhile, as a full time poet and mentor to aspiring ones, i can see that you need to work on the meter, which is very erratic at present, so the piece doesn't flow well when read...

    hope this helps...

    love and hugs, maia

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