1. Soph
    Offline

    Soph Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2011
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    1

    Potential?

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Soph, Jan 27, 2011.

    I am not a good writer but I'm trying to improve, so this will be a good place to start! If you have the time, then please tell me if you understand the format of the "note." I write quite simply here and this is my usual style, but I would like to be able to use better vocabulary.

    I cooked some eggs for you again this morning. I had bought the “Uncaged” organic eggs so when you looked in the fridge sometime this week you would understand a part of my personality. I used the Mediterranean sea salt and a swig of pepper to flavor the eggs because I saw your plate in the sink this morning from yesterday and the leftover eggs had salt and pepper on them. I carefully estimated the amount by how much salt you add to your grits. I hate grits, but on Saturday mornings when you offer me a large bowl of gritty corn pieces I eat it slowly and swallow hard. I eat as slowly as possible and ask as many questions as I can to keep you from eating too fast.

    Hey, Roomie!

    I spoil your calico cat when you’re not around so her attachment to me will seem effortless. She is a little overweight, though, so I give her food in small amounts and the food is something I think will not greatly contribute to her obesity. These days, my meditation is less yoga and more listening to you play your guitar in your room when you get home from work.

    I made some extra eggs,

    I lean against the wall to your room and close my eyes and think about a lonely, romantic night in the Appalachian Mountains. You are not a part of my romantic musings because I do not want to feel pathetic. I just squeeze you in platonically as we sky-dive or share other adventurous, exhilarating experiences together. I try to add in a few people in our daydreams together so my mind won’t wander to other exhilarating, more explicit experiences we could have together. I know you can’t read my mind, but I hope you can read between the lines on this piece of paper I left on the countertop next to the eggs.

    I hope you have a great day! Much love, Sarah
     
  2. Pen
    Offline

    Pen Member

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2011
    Messages:
    98
    Likes Received:
    4
    I think I understand it as being what was actually written presented along with the character's thoughts as she wrote it. I'm not a fan of this formatting, as it's hard to tell at a glance which thoughts led to which bits of writing. Giving the character's thoughts as you go along might be an idea-

    How to open, how to open- needs to be casual... Call her by name? No, too familiar...

    "Hey Roomie!"

    [words words words], I thought...

    "I made you some eggs!"

    and so on?
     
  3. Youniquee
    Offline

    Youniquee (◡‿◡✿) Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2010
    Messages:
    733
    Likes Received:
    36
    Location:
    Under your bed.
    I though this was quite cool xD
    The only thing that bothered me was that the bolded, big text doesn't fit in line with what the small text says.
    Maybe you could make up a sentence that flows freely into Hey Roomie! While still including the thoughts...
    Hoped this help :)
     
  4. Ellipse
    Offline

    Ellipse Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    714
    Likes Received:
    32
    Is Sarah stalking this roommate? The note sort of struck me as creepy in that way.
     
  5. Kevin B
    Offline

    Kevin B Member

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2011
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    1
    Understanding the format of the note is easy enough, but do you always write in this format, with the large bold text? I find this very distracting, especially if I'm going to be reading it on a page. I think the bold text would work fine, as long as the font size was kept in proportion with the other text.

    "I carefully estimated the amount by how Hey, Roomie! much salt you add to your grits."

    Just my opinion, but that's just an easier read for me. :)
     
  6. Islander
    Offline

    Islander Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2008
    Messages:
    1,542
    Likes Received:
    59
    Location:
    Sweden
    ----
     
  7. Soph
    Offline

    Soph Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2011
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    1
    Thanks, people! I did it because I want the thoughts to be "read between the lines" like this is what she means when she says "Hey, Roomie! I made some extra eggs and left some for you! I hope you have a great day!" Its intended to be read twice to understand the underlying purpose. Does that make sense?
     
  8. Soph
    Offline

    Soph Member

    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2011
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    1
    How do you think I can express my purpose more clearly without annoying the reader? I want the reader to eventually understand the bold letters are the actual words on the note and the other text are the words the in-love narrator wants the roomie to see.
     
  9. Islander
    Offline

    Islander Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2008
    Messages:
    1,542
    Likes Received:
    59
    Location:
    Sweden
    Let the unsaid be unsaid. Make the reader understand what Sara means through circumstance instead.
     
  10. mammamaia
    Offline

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2006
    Messages:
    19,316
    Likes Received:
    1,014
    Location:
    Coquille, Oregon
    if this is your usual style and you hope to sell your work, i'd strongly suggest you find a more acceptable, less annoying style...

    as a reader, i'd never bother reading anything like this and as an editor, it would hit my round file faster'n a speeding bullet...
     
  11. Tesgah
    Offline

    Tesgah Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2011
    Messages:
    92
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Oslo, Norway
    As much as I did enjoy the text itself, I still couldn't help feeling that the format was just awful. I would personally advice that you do not have the bolded text in her thoughts. I might just be stupid, but it took me some time to understand that the bolded part was the actual note:p

    What about doing it like this: "I think I am going to write him a note." [Her thoughts as she writes minus the bold part, try to make the reader think this is what she writes]. Then describe her letting out a sigh and read the actual note?

    Just my idea:)
     

Share This Page