After being raped by my then boyfriend, I kept to myself for about a week. I didn't talk to anyone except my mom and my sister (who didn't and still don't know), and surprisingly, the rapist and another guy I had dated before we agreed we were better off as friends...who promptly blamed me and stopped talking to me for months. The rapist wouldn't leave me alone. He would text and call me when he knew I had class or choir rehearsal, he would text or call me when he knew I would be sleeping, it didn't matter. I got into all sorts of trouble because he would threaten to kill himself (which he knew would make me talk) and I would break down and talk to him. About two weeks after the incident though, I branched out. I actually signed up for a website designed to help you meet people, and met both my current boyfriend and my most recent ex, as well as a few other people. Some didn't have a problem with my past while others did. Sadly, my current boyfriend refused to date me until I was "better" (at the time; he eventually got over it), which was upsetting. I spoke to a few teachers at school, one of which I trusted a lot. The one I trusted told me I deserved it because I didn't report him...by that point he had already moved to a different province so reporting him was useless, not even considering the fact that I didn't have any evidence aside from a confession via Skype IM. All of it was hard. I still have a hard time with it almost two years later. I disagree with whoever said "once it's over it's over" because it's not. You have flashbacks, you have memories, you lose friends, they sometimes follow you to work or school...for some people it's never over. I came close to suicide many, many times, and still self harm occasionally, although I'm trying to quit. My family knows nothing about what happened, and they probably never will know. I swore to my mom when she found out we were sexually active that I didn't regret it and never would. How could I possibly go back on that now? She would never let me forget it. Anyway, hope I helped, sorry if I didn't. Feel free to message me if you have any questions. Good luck!
That's seriously fucked up. However, that kind of view isn't too far away from Western society. "If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her." - Deuteronomy 22:28-29 I know a lot of people have the sense to disregard this kind of stuff, or at least acknowledge that this is an outdated view on women's rights, but that IS in the bible. And although western society may be a little more progressive in comparison, unfortunately, there are many people out there who still conform to this view. Promiscuous women are still widely viewed as sluts, whores and trash while being a sexually active man is commendable. Many online articles, as mentioned previously, about rapes include comment sections with people saying things like, "she was asking for it" or "if she didn't want to get raped, she shouldn't have dressed like a slut". Women still have to fight for the right to have control over their own bodies. We still live in a patriarchal society that not only blames the victim, but is mostly indifferent.
First, I'm sorry to hear something like this has happened to you, but am glad you did branch out. To some (and this is not speculation, actual feelings) branching out means admitting something horrible happened to them, making them feel more like a victim than a fighter. You're right about the event haunting the person. It's difficult to block out, but it's possible to focus on other things. Sometimes the memories still peek through. This is probably something OP could incorporate to the story. Yeah, slut-shaming... I'm watching American Horror Story: Asylum right now, and so far it's made wonderful commentary about this. The story takes place in the '60s when the atmosphere was even harsher. But the wind has changed, in some parts of the world at least. It's become more and more like the norm for women to be just as sexual as men, hell, it's even expected among some groups of female friends. You know, I'm all for women "stealing" the term 'slut.' Think of Slut Walk. And I do wish 'slut' had similarly positive connotations as 'stud' and it is twisted that it doesn't. [MENTION=23298]Mckk[/MENTION]: if your character's from a religious background, the issue of shame and her peers blaming her might be relevant, as horrible as it is. See what sanco quoted, if that's really what The Bible says...
I've only started watching American Horror Story after hearing much praise for it. It's pretty good so far To be fair, that's only one version of that passage, but the point is that such a version exists as a moral code for so many people. And xdannigirl, I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully he got what he deserved.
I really don't know the Bible as much as I probably should (considering I'm writing a Christian character right now!), but it does unnerve me when people take its guidance at face value. Not sure what's the case in OP's story, but that might be another conflict in it if the family of the MC is very religious. OT, but one of the reasons I like AMS is that it feels strangely fresh. It shakes off the conventions of American TV entertainment like a dog shakes off water after a swim, portraying sexuality in a rather gender equal, as-it-is way. The horror in itself is far from cliché free, but to me it's really the characters that make the story come alive. It's nice they hired more "mature" women to the key roles.
You know what, not many Christians do know the Bible as much as they should anyway, so you'll probably end up with a realistic portrayal haha. Even hardcore Christian friends of mine have yet to read the bible cover to cover. OT - yes, to be honest, the acting is a little cheesy. I'm not sure whether that's because of the actors or the dialogue, but it has a certain charm to it.
[MENTION=52799]xdannigirl[/MENTION] - I'm so sorry to hear your story, and thank you so much for sharing. I'm sorry those whom you trusted let you down. [MENTION=40481]Lea[/MENTION]'Brooks - thank you for sharing, it's interesting how people react so differently. I'll certainly keep the strong desire not to report it in mind [MENTION=53403]KaTrian[/MENTION] - thanks for pointing out the nuances. The MC will probably come from a sheltered home - I imagine she'd freeze. As for the Bible, Sanco is right, it is there, but as with everything, you must read it in context. The law was in place as protection for the woman, because having be defiled, no one would've married her, and an unmarried woman in that society would've been completely unprotected and without status. I would emphasise that the law really addresses the man - the man must marry her, the man must pay, the man must never be allowed to divorce - the "penalty" is on the man. None of this is to say that I agree - I don't, I think it's horrendous to force a woman to marry her own rapist - however I can understand that, within the cultural context of when those laws were written, it can make sense. Most Christians have the sense to ignore such a commandment, although Sanco is also right to point out that there are still those out there who like to take the Bible literally in every context. Many Christians say one thing and do not see that it contradicts the very way in which they study and understand the Bible - I am familiar with their "reasons" and they are usually nonetheless very good, kind and wonderful people and strong in faith. But there are also those who are a little... warped, I suppose - they are sincere, the majority of them mean well, but they don't see how what they're claiming and doing are not loving, and actually contradicts the spirit of the Bible rather than conform to it. I myself am a Christian and I love Jesus, I love the church, and plenty of my very close friends are strong, faithful Christians - but I am aware that there are people who twist the Bible to fit their repulsive agenda that has nothing to do with God, and I am aware that there are genuine, sincere people who genuinely believe something is said in the Bible because it's there in black and white (the rapist commandment, for example) and then seek to follow it and to convince others to follow it. They mean well, but the outcome of their actions is the same: simple destruction that ultimately crushes another person whom they thought they were trying to love (I see a similar thing regarding homosexuality - I support marriage equality, incidentally). As for my MC - her background is the thing that's really put a block to developing this story. You see, I do believe in Christ, and I believe the church can ultimately bring healing - assuming, of course, the people in the church love everyone as Jesus Himself loved, which we are called to do. But I can see that the purity culture is a disaster - it's sickening to read about it, to read idealistic, wonderful, beautiful Christian women write things like, "I'm so blessed to have brothers and fathers in Christ who corrected my ways when they told me my neckline was too low," or things like, "Of course it's okay to befriend guys! Just remember not to give too much of yourself - remember, you are to remain pure for Christ!" I am sickened and saddened because - yes, it is a blessing to have brothers and fathers in Christ, it is a blessing when someone alerts you when you're taking the wrong path, like a friend who refuses to let you make a bad decision, of course it's true that we should remain pure for Christ. All these are true, and blessings, that we have made into curses because we have misunderstood what it really means to be pure, we have misunderstood what the Bible meant when it said but the beauty of women should not come from her outward adornment but from a quiet and gentle spirit. No one has ever managed to give a clear idea of what this "purity" supposedly means. We've mixed truth and lies and that's the most potent form of poison, and I see the beauty of women crushed, I see perfectly loving, genuine men fall, and I see my God ridiculed, who's done nothing but bless us and love us and even die for us. So I would like to make a critique on the church in this regard, but I do not want to discredit the church. I want to show its faults, but I do not want to condemn it. I want to show its failings without saying that it has been made redundant. In essence, I want to point to the church as both a force of destruction AND a force of true healing, because I believe the God who said that we shall rise from ashes and be crowned with beauty, the God who said "You are forgiven", the God who said, "Though your sins are red as scarlet, I will make them white as snow", the God who lifted the head of the Samaritan woman with 5 boyfriends, an exile in her own community, the God who looked to the adulteress and said, "Whoever has not sinned, let him be the one to cast the first stone" and then looked to the woman and said, "Where are your accusers? Then neither do I condemn you. Go in peace." I believe this is where healing is found, and His people - us - are hindering it. And heck, I haven't a clue how to write this I'm still mulling it over, not actually done any concrete work on it. I found a book written by a psychologist who's also a theologian who studied the concept of purity, a book called "Unclean" - I intend on reading that. I'm just hoping to absorb things and hope that at some point a clear path would emerge for me.
xdannigirl here; I got completely locked out of my other account for some reason...I tried resetting the password twice and even copy/pasted it from the email into the box and it still wouldn't work. Oh well... Rest assured, he did not. He's currently very happy after having moved to Ontario (I'm in Manitoba...both are in Canada) and although his family knows what he did, he faced no repercussions and his girlfriend is standing by him as well, last I heard. I know all of this because as much as I've asked my friends to STOP updating me on his actions, they continue to do so. Until he left the province, I had people texting me things like "omg Kristin I saw Adrian in Staples!!!!" and I would just say "that's nice, but I really don't want to hear about him anymore. I already know he works there, and he's the reason I don't go there anymore. I've already told you this many times, now please just let me forget about him." I still have old friends, who I haven't spoken to in ages, asking if we're still together, and then when and how that ended. Don't get me wrong, I love my current boyfriend (Julien) to death, it's just...sometimes I miss the person I thought Adrian was. He used to be so kind and he seemed to care a lot about me for the first few months...even right up to the end, we were beginning to plan the rest of our lives together. I was going to go to the Toronto Film School to be a movie director, and he was going to go somewhere nearby to get his degree in History. We were going to have a wedding on the beach by his dad and step-mom's cabin. It's hard to remember that it was all just a lie. And it really hurts to hear about him being so happy, when he literally broke me...I lost so many friends, and there are still certain things I refuse to do with Julien, places I refuse to go to, and just things I refuse to talk about (this last one is rare for me as there aren't many things I don't talk about). Anyway...to the OP, feel free to message me if you want any details. I'd be happy to help a fellow writer!
[MENTION=52799]xdannigirl[/MENTION], sorry to hear that. I know it's probably of little consolation, but I believe everyone gets their due, so some day, somehow, that fucker will get what's coming to him, be it tomorrow, next year, or in twenty years, in the form of an accident, cancer, or some other misery, but it'll happen. In the meantime, all the best to you. I have nothing but respect for survivors.
It's based on common sense and experience. It's well documented that rape remains a taboo in all societies and that victims face similar prejudices. Of course, some societies are more violent than others, and women's rights are differently represented, but that's a different issue. However, you might find this Amnesty International paper interesting, as it adresses, among other things, attitudes towards rape in Sweden's legal system. http://www.amnesty.dk/sites/default/files/mediafiles/44/case-closed.pdf
Finally got back in! Well, I hope so. It's really hard knowing he's happy, when I'm so unhappy. He begged me not to report him so that he could stay off no-fly lists and so his family wouldn't disown him. I agreed, because I still hoped he would go back to the way he was. It turns out they didn't disown him...he faced no problems whatsoever when I finally spoke up and told his family what he did. Thanks for all the love, guys.
[MENTION=35110]jazzabel[/MENTION] : thanks for the references. Another reason I asked was that in Finland e.g. the sentences for rape are ridiculously light. Granted, after some public outrage a while ago, they did improve the situation and the rapist doesn't get out of the situation pretty much scott free any longer. There also seems to be less blaming the victim going on right now, and rape allegations are taken seriously, even to such a degree that a few women have taken advantage of this and falsely accused a man of rape (for some unfathomable reason), which, in a country this small is rather noteworthy. Unfortunately men getting raped is still a taboo. A popular soap opera (!) here actually commented on it last spring; they wrote in a gay rape scene and after it was aired, the public went apesh*t for a while. The viewers' reactions had been far milder when the show had discussed a woman getting raped. On the other hand, it's good that taboos are being challenged. Anyway, I was under the impression in Scandinavia, like Sweden, Norway, Denmark, Iceland.. they handled rape cases with more sense; attitude and sentencing -wise.
[MENTION=53403]KaTrian[/MENTION]: What you said about Finland is very similar to what is going on in the UK. I think the main issue is, a few bad apples can poison an entire process, a judge that rules that digital penetration without consent isn't rape or if a male victim of rape gets an erection, that it means he consented and similar. At the moment we are witnessing the first conviction of a group that engaged in systematic rape and human trafficking. It turns out, these girls and one of their mothers tried for 10 years to alert police, the council, the media anyone, and just because some of the girls were drug addicts (addicted through these guys), the Crown Prosecution Service refused to prosecute (because they were 'unreliable witnesses'). For the first time now, the legal system in the UK woke up to the reality - victims of trauma, including rape, even though they have odds stacked against them in the system, it doesn't mean they don't deserve justice.
It seems to me that there's one main reason for ridiculous sentences in several countries regarding rape: money talks and bullshit walks. What I mean is that in Finland, for isntance, you get much more severe sentences for, say, tax evasion than murder, child molestation, or rape because crimes regarding taxes takes away money from the government, and we all know that's the worst sin a human can commit, right? So murderers, pedophiles (who act on their impulses), and rapists get a slap on the wrist while some guy who cheated on taxes gets the life sentence (approximately 13 years in Finland. Some life sentence, right?). Over here the justice system practically caters to people who hurt other people. It's not too many years ago that there was much public outrage when a man got sentenced for beating up a guy who attempted to rape a pregnant woman. He beat up the rapist and got prison time for it, but luckily they reduced his sentence after all the noise people made on behalf of the hero (yeah, he's a hero). And the government tried to hush-hush another incident where a convicted pedophile insisted that he shouldn't be released because he'd rape children again, but they did release him regardless. Naturally he molested a child as soon as he was released. But hey, as long as he doesn't steal money from the government, it's no big deal... [MENTION=52799]xdannigirl[/MENTION] Glad you reported him, you did the right thing. Never doubt that. His family and friends sound like a bunch of cunts. Well, give it time; they'll all get what's coming to them (including him), sooner or later. In the meantime, the best (legal) revenge I can think of is for you to find happiness.
If you're in need of more information, Mckk, I'm another one that's happy to talk to you about whatever help you want and give maybe a different viewpoint to anyone else you've managed to talk to about this. Feel free to message me I've been through it a grand total of 4 times now and I've gone through most of the 'standard' after care type things etc so I can help as much as you need. I'm based in UK so I can only really tell you about things I've experienced here but I don't know if that's a downside or what. Glad to see people raising awareness. I keep having urges to write something in a similar vein (without the Christianity aspect, although I'm a Catholic that's not practising currently) but I always get stumped that it's always too 'real'. Not in that I can't bring myself to write it but more that though lots gone one and there's loads of things I could write about, when I try to it always ends up following what really happened and I don't know how to twist it all to make it 'a good story' rather than just depressing and true life. So maybe you're actually at an advantage for writing this (assuming that you do enough research and get it as close to real as you can). As I said, feel free to message me if you want to know anything specific.
Hi, i'm very new to this forum, but this thread caught my eye. in my offline world i work with these issues for a women's rights charity in the uk. if you need information, i am happy to answer any specific questions, or to point you to research, criminal cases, legal precedents and procedures. these will be specific to the uk (although some is mirrored in the states), not sure where specifically the story is set and unfortunately legislation is often geographically specific, but the research on the emotional effects and the ideas and cases behind western legislation may give insight into the issue however rape/sexual violence/domestic violence (the treatment you're proposing from the first boyfriend and community would be categorised as domestic violence) is a huge topic and there is just to much information out there.
