I've just received feedback from on my 1st 3 chapters and my repeated use of words was highlighted as a possible irritation. I hope this isn't pasting too much in here and I like the way the system finds previous threads with similar titles. The guy highlighted jangling but not controlled power. They both seem ok to me. It's not dialogue by the way, it's my creepy arsonist in 1st person taking the reader through what he does as he is doing it. At first I enjoyed the jangling down the marrow of my bones, but jangling nerves are the sign of a novice. Now I enjoy the mature feeling of control over a building. I enjoy feeling absolute power over the people within. The jangling comes from fear. I have no fear. I have controlled power. Controlled power is not a surge, controlled power is continuous.
For me jangling is a sound like keys or coins in your pocket as you jog down the street. Marrow is quite soft and squishy, and would not make a sound. Jangling down (verb) the marrow of my bones just feels weird to read. Jangling nerves also seems out of place as nerves and marrow of my bones are two distinct things in my body, and not related in my mind. Then "the jangling" is also confusing, as jangling is a verb and here it feels more like a noun. Controlled power is only ever noun-like and not confusing (marrow --> nerves --> stand alone entity). Is it possible this is the issue, rather than purely the repetition of jangling? Can you ask for clarification? HTH!
Um, erm, I see, if the word repetition is intended and it's the manner of the character then you could carry the story through in first person. Do be consistent though and be sure not to take the style (or traits of that persona) into your other characters when you write their dialogue. FWIW I did find it a bit overly repetitious (sorry), an almost anaphoric way of storytelling: jangle jangle jangle, feeling feeling feeling, control, control, control. < You weren't trying to hypnotise me were you! If that's the way you write Tim and it's habit more than deliberate; then don't let your flow be broken, moreover trail back over it afterwards and knock out the unintended repetition with pronouns. Its and his and hers but not shis.
With only the small snippet to go by (and that snippet is ok here in this area of the forum, but not more) I am inclined to agree with @Aaron DC. The word jangling is a strange word and you're using it in a strange way (double-strange) and it would stick out even in just a single, more typical use of the word. Three times in such short paragraph is a bit much.
mmm.... first thanks each of you for looking and responding. I had to look anaphoric up. Yes, jangling down the marrow isn't quite right is it. No one had mentioned that but take such a small section out and it can be seen differently. I certainly don't mind others going along with what my feedback guy said. Thanks again.
