1. AmyHolt
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    AmyHolt Contributing Member

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    Reusing the same words

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by AmyHolt, Jul 15, 2011.

    I have a paragraph that reuses the same phrase/ word. I can't decide if it helps make the point more vividly or if it needs to be changed. Any Thoughts?

    Lily knew he was giving her an out. She hoped he wouldn't revisit the subject anytime soon. He grinned at her and she couldn't help smiling back. She hated that she felt so comfortable around him. She couldn't help it though, he felt like a friend. Zach may be the leader but she didn't want to believe he was capable of sending demons to kill someone. He was too nice to hurt someone. Wasn't he?
     
  2. CottonCandi
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    CottonCandi Active Member

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    Lily knew he was giving her an out. Hopefully, he wouldn't revisit the subject anytime soon. When he grinned at her she couldn't help but smile back. Why she felt so comfortable around him, she didn't know, but she hated it. Odd, but he felt like a friend. Zach maybe the leader but Lily didn't want to believe he was capable of sending demons to kill someone. He was just too nice to hurt anyone. Wasn't he?
     
  3. WriterDude
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    WriterDude Contributing Member Contributor

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    Hm.... look at how the sentences start: Lily, she, he, she, she, Zack, he. The last sentence is simply "wasn't he?" on top of it. (he). You might want to rewrite it a bit.
     
  4. The-Joker
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    The-Joker Contributing Member Contributor

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    Repetition can be used to create rhythm and emphasize a point. In this excerpt this technique does not apply nor is it needed. The repeated phrases are obtrusive and weaken the prose. There are many tweaks which can remove the repeated phrases. Cotton gave you a good example.
     
  5. AmyHolt
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    AmyHolt Contributing Member

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    Thanks CottonCandi for the suggestions.

    Sounds like this paragraph has other things to worry about besides the repeated words. I could tell something wasn't quite right about it and the repeated words really stood out to me. I guess I got stuck on the repeated words and never even got to noticing what the senteces started with.

    Thanks for the suggestions. Anyone else have thoughts on improving the paragraph?
     
  6. AmyHolt
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    AmyHolt Contributing Member

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    Hm... I was reading my last post and thinking, yes I seem to have a problem with "repeated words". :)
     
  7. flipflop
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    flipflop Senior Member

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    try the word "anyone" for the second "someone" but i would have to agree it is in need of a rewrite
     

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