1. I.A. By the Barn
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    I.A. By the Barn A very lost time traveller Contributor

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    'said in an annoyed tone' or I can't use wurds ;)

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by I.A. By the Barn, Aug 12, 2016.

    I have a character who gets annoyed and angry at the smallest of things and I need a word for the above (or several if possible). I've tried looking online with little luck. She isn't super angry at this point so growled or hissed wouldn't really work, she is just a little perturbed at this point. However I do need angry words for lots of lines so any will be helpful!
    I'm doing edits to a shortish story (story-ish, I don't know what it is really) and I don't really like this line anymore-
    “So what do you want, Mister?” Dorothy asked as she folded her arms, her jaw tightening.
    Do you think its fine as is or do I need to change it? (Feel free to comment on my grammar, it isn't usually very good.)
    Thanks if you can help.
     
  2. GingerCoffee
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    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

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    I like it the way you've written it.
     
  3. peachalulu
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    peachalulu Contributing Member Reviewer Contributor

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    You could play around with some ideas or new words - maybe move an action before the line of dialogue -
    Dorothy's pissed off meter was starting to climb. Crossing her arms, she stressed, "So what do you want, Mister?" - example.

    Hard to say whether you should keep it without context.
    Is Dorothy the mc? Then you could maybe inject a bit of her thinking into it.
    This guy was getting irritating but she was determined to stay calm. "So what do you want, Mister?" - example.
     
  4. Dr. Mambo
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    Dr. Mambo Active Member

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    “So what do you want, Mister?” Dorothy asked. She folded her arms and squinted her eyes at the man.
    OR
    She folded her arms and tapped her foot.
    She folded her arms and sighed.
    She folder her arms and clenched her teeth.

    Go to town, man. What you have isn't horrible or anything, either.
     
  5. I.A. By the Barn
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    I.A. By the Barn A very lost time traveller Contributor

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    No she isn't the MC (I don't even know if I have one).
    A lad has just came up to her and she is trying her best to look prim and pretty for any potential employers and he has just admitted to her that, no, he isn't there to employ her. She already guessed this though as this lad and his mate had already been looking her way for a while and is more annoyed that she allowed herself for a moment to think that he might be offering employment.
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2016
  6. Susowitz
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    Susowitz New Member

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    The way you've written it seems fine IMO
     
  7. I.A. By the Barn
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    I.A. By the Barn A very lost time traveller Contributor

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    Thank you guys, you've given me quite a bit to think on, with a few actually liking the original sentence! Thank you, I'll have a play around with it all.
     
  8. big soft moose
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    big soft moose Active Member

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    Random thought, can she speak with her jaw tightening - to me that reads like speaking through gritted teeth which is a lot more than a little pissed off, may be just

    " what is it you want, mister ?" asked Dorothy , folding her arms
     

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