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  1. Banzai
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    Banzai One-time Mod, but on the road to recovery Contributor

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    Selbbin - Weekly Poetry Contest (215) Winner

    Discussion in 'Bi-Weekly Poetry Contest Archives' started by Banzai, Nov 30, 2012.

    We Embrace
    By Selbbin


    We embrace.
    I embrace.

    Her vanilla smell I once savoured
    Turns to vapours I can hardly breathe,
    But I hold on to her like she just saved my life-
    Like she just saved the world.

    Concentrating hard on everything just past her head;
    Soaking in every detail,
    Except for her
    And the way she is so:
    Warm
    And beautiful,
    Like she must have been the night she fucked...
    It doesn’t matter who;
    And it doesn’t hurt to think about.
    But either way,
    I remember.

    Her mother in the car,
    The sparkling braces
    And dirty old sneakers,
    And the sign of the station
    So far from home,
    Reminds me of everything between us.
    I can feel her bottled up.
    I could pour her out
    But I’m trying to avoid a scene here.
    "How are you?"
    "Yeah. I’m ok."
    It doesn’t matter which of us said what.

    She pulls us apart
    Just far enough for me to see
    She wants to go.
    I let the moment pass us
    And say my final good bye,
    With a kiss
    On her cheek.
    Soft.
    Tender.
    She lets me,
    But with a silence that says...
    No.

    She climbs back in the car with her mother.
    I get back on the train.
     
  2. Mckk
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    Mckk Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

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    This poem is so sad :( Really lovely imagery and smells, love the lines "I could feel her bottled up / I could pour her out"
     
  3. Selbbin
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    Selbbin I hate you Contributor

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    Thanks! Sadly it's a true story.
     
  4. Mckk
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    Mckk Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Sorry to hear that. Is it your story?
     
  5. RHK
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    RHK Member

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    Gratz, Selbbin!

    I like this poem a lot.

    The little things really struck me: the observational detail about body language, the reported speech, your use of ellipsis and end-stopping (particularly in the last stanza).

    I also found the persona interesting, especially when following the reported speech ("How are you?"/ "Yeah. I'm ok."), they observe 'It doesn't matter which of us said what'. I love how it works to highlight the humdrum nature of their interaction (and more broadly how much interaction in life is actually made up of such stock Q & As, phrases etc.), which strongly contrasts with the deeply-felt emotions of the persona, who seems to desire either reconciliation or some more meaningful and cathartic exchange.

    The words that are exchanged mean little; it is actually the body language that holds the meaning, and the memory flashes experienced by the persona that give weight to this piece. I love it! I love the fact that their actual interaction holds no drama and that the real drama emerges through these silent goings on within the persona's mind.

    Well enough gushing cos I have to go out now. Again, gratz :) look forward to reading some more of your work.
     
  6. Selbbin
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    Selbbin I hate you Contributor

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    Yep. So that little event actually happened pretty much as it reads.

    Oh, and RHK, thanks! Nice deconstruct.
     
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