1. Chudz
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    Chudz Contributing Member

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    Sentence question

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Chudz, Jul 11, 2010.

    Hello,

    I've been looking over my past short story contest entry and have a question on the following sentence.

    The sentence is about two male/female pairs that are heading to separate tents. And I get the feeling that there's an agreement problem in there somewhere, but I'm just not seeing it with any clarity.

    I mean should "way" be "ways", or should I keep "way" and make dens singular? Or is there something else that needs to be changed?
     
  2. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    I don't see anything glaringly wrong from a structural standpoint. You are cramming an awful lot into one rather florid sentence, though.

    Why are all four of them throwing coy looks back and forth as each couple strolls to a private place? Shouldn't their attentions be on their chosen partners?

    Neither syntax nor sin tax is the issue here. It's crowding and distraction within the sentence.
     
  3. Fantasy of You
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    Fantasy of You Banned

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    '...a coy look as they made...'

    Omit.
     
  4. Chudz
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    Chudz Contributing Member

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    Hey, thanks for your responses.
     
  5. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    If you mean that Male A and Female A gave coy looks to Male B and Female B, it makes sense. If you mean that Male A and Female A gave each other coy looks, and weren't looking over at Male B and Female B, then it doesn't make sense.

    I also find "coy" to be rather feminine, so a man giving someone a coy look feels odd to me, but it may make perfect sense in your story. (Or I may be the only one that interprets the word that way.)

    ChickenFreak
     
  6. zaffy
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    zaffy Contributing Member

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    What do you mean by flesh-entangled and fluttering dens?
     
  7. Unit7
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    Unit7 Contributing Member Contributor

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    Flesh-entangled I think is supposed to mean that their arms were locked with eachother or well they were holding their partner in some way. As for fluttering dens, refer to the tents. Its windy and the fabric of the tents are being moved around rapidly.

    Atleast thats how I saw it.

    It's an awkward read though. Can't say that I would enjoy reading a book or short story with examples like that.
     
  8. Chudz
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    Chudz Contributing Member

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    CF: That's the way I meant for it to go down. I didn't give too much thought about "coy" being feminine, however. Interesting thought.

    And Yep, Unit7 has the interpretation right. This is of course for the competition that was from an animal's point of view. And I thank you for your insights
     
  9. Unit7
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    Unit7 Contributing Member Contributor

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    Its good imagery, but with the way it was put it just seems to cram to much into one sentence.

    heh just noticed you said it was from a animals point of view. In which case the way you described the couple and the tent was perfect in this case. :)
     

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