1. chandler245
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    chandler245 Banned

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    sentence with added grammer

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by chandler245, May 23, 2009.

    Did I do this sentence right: "I felt a warm breeze in my room, though there were no windows open! I looked frantically though the dark room searching for my angel Michelle....:confused:
     
  2. Apples
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    Apples Member

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    I would add a comma after "dark room." However, stylistically, it could be omitted to increase the pace of the writing.

    P.S. It's "grammar," not "grammer."
     
  3. Rei
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    Rei Contributing Member Contributor

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    In terms of technical grammar, it's okay, other than some missing commas, but its got lots of words you don't need. It would be difficult to fix it properly without knowing the context, but I'd probably word it more like this:

    The reason for the changes were partly to make it run smoother, but also because you included info we should already know, like what room she is in, and the fact that it is dark, from the context of the sentence. If it is an opening sentence, there are more interesting ways to include it
     
  4. chandler245
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    chandler245 Banned

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    Thanks. sorry for the mis-spelling I was and still am in a rush. Please forgive, thank you all
     
  5. JGraham
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    JGraham Senior Member

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    The dark room felt alive, windows closed as the warm breeze gently brushed my face. Frantically, I searched the room, hoping to find my angel Michelle.
     

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