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  1. The Bard of Wigan
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    The Bard of Wigan Contributing Member

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    Sex before marriage?

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by The Bard of Wigan, Mar 13, 2009.

    I got into a debate at work with a woman who is getting married later in the year. She and her partner have decided that they should wait until they get married to have sex.

    This I understand, in the context of saving your virginity. However, she isn't a virgin and neither is he. So I can't get my head around why they feel the need to wait, especially when it is apparent from how she talks about things that it is making her deeply unhappy.

    It did get me thinking though about the pros & cons of waiting.

    For me they should get it on. :)
     
  2. becca
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    becca New Member Contributor

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    Yes, and no.

    Sometimes it is a moral issue. Guilt and such come in, and it complicates feelings.

    They might be waiting to 'get it on' until after they are married, because it would bring a new bond into their relationship with the actual 'marriage.' That can be a very good thing. You haven't worn out the fun before you get to the party, so to speak.

    Maybe they are waiting because one or the other, or both, aren't sure about there decision, and want to make sure things will work out first.

    You also have to look at pregnancy issues. Maybe they don't want to risk it just yet.

    There are variables that make it hard to say why you should and shouldn't. Everyone has a free will, and they have to make the choice for themselves.
     
  3. Rei
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    Rei Contributing Member Contributor

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    Waiting isn't always about saving virginity. It's about developing the relationship outside the physical aspects, getting to know each other, finding OTHER things to do together. Besides, there is the one in a million chance that, even if they use birth control, she could get pregnant. If he turns out not to be the great guy she thinks he is, being married, as far as I understand, would make it a whole lot harder for him to just take off without giving any child support.

    Also, the first time with someone can be very special. Wouldn't you want your wedding night to be as special as possible?
     
  4. SonnehLee
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    SonnehLee Contributing Member Contributor

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    It's their choice. *shrug*
     
  5. Carmina
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    Carmina Contributing Member Contributor

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    Sex before marriage is a highly personal and individual choice. There are religious factors. There are cultural factors. There are personal beliefs and preferences. As to the case Bard mentioned, just because they aren't virgins doesn't mean they should treat sex like it isn't a big deal. They previous experiences might not have been positive ones. They may have newly reinforced religious beliefs. They may have considered doing it before a hug mistake.

    For myself, I waited a long time, but didn't quite make it to marriage. We were talking about marriage. But, I decided later that marriage wouldn't be a good idea. Wouldn't take it back. There was love. With my husband, we waited until we in a long-term committed loving relationship. The wedding night itself...we were too worn out form the wedding and reception. LOL
     
  6. lordofhats
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    lordofhats Contributing Member

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    I'm not one of those Christians who gets all up in arms about pre-marital sex. Frankly I've realized there are some battles we're just not going to win and it's time to stop wasting resources on them :p (Purity rings; dumbest idea ever, of all time). I don't really care what other people do at this point. It's their life and they're free to reap and benefits or consequences of their actions and it is their problem.

    My only qualm about pre-martial sex is that I've seen it destroy relationships before (EDIT: But now that I think of it, what doesn't destroy relationships these days XD. Is there an reason no ones put up before?), primarily just because the couple hadn't actually been ready for that step. It's not something one should jump into. Make sure the relationship is at a point where it won't be ruined by getting ahead of yourselves is all I got to say. I've seen some nice couples get torn up by sex before the relationship was ready to handle it (which I've always found ironic I'm not really sure how it happens but *shrugs*). Sometimes though I've seen people get ahead of themselves and regret it later because they realize they just weren't that into each other. It' not the kind of thing you should take lightly; it is very personal and its not something I think you should do with just anyone.
     
  7. Ashleigh
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    Ashleigh Contributing Member Contributor

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    Some people take a long time to feel comfortable and get to know somebody enough to take that step - others dont.

    If you felt a connection and cared for them before you started 'dating' or become boyfriend/girlfriend, then it's entirely their choice. To me it's a way of bonding, being close and loving, and showing them how much you love them. Plus it's alot of fun lol.

    I say when the time feels right, go for it. Just as long as they're careful and committed, and in love.

    I think sex without love would be disgusting. I'm not sure how people bring themselves to do it without love, to be honest. There's just no passion to it.

    Maybe shy people think that they'll suddenly be confident after marriage. or perhaps they think that it'll be all fireworks just 'cos they got married. A sexual relationship takes time (and practice!) to perfect, and explore eachother - So i guess the better you know that person, the closer you are, the easier it is. However - a marriage certificate wont make that bond over night.

    So yeah - it's the individuals choice. No reason to have an extreme view in either direction.
     
  8. g1ng3rsnap9ed
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    g1ng3rsnap9ed Contributing Member

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    I personally feel that one should not save sex for marriage, but for when they are truly in love...or just horny. :p (jk)
     
  9. Penny Dreadful
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    Penny Dreadful Senior Member

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    It's a choice, but I don't believe in waiting, personally. It's one of those, test drive the car before you buy it deals :D. On the flip side, I think people today are a little too loose. A lot of it has to do with peer pressure. I get made fun of all the time for being a virgin and it baffles me.

    Yes, I'm 21. Yes, I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now - but sex would mean having it somewhere I'm trying to distance myself from. I want it to be special and in a setting I won't regret later. I want it to also occur when I have the money for proper birth control. I don't care to rely on condoms alone.

    Even my best friend teases me for thinking things out so much. My boyfriend is respectful of that choice. It's not like we don't do plenty of other fun things. :D
     
  10. Carmina
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    Carmina Contributing Member Contributor

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    I was 22. Nothing wrong with waiting till it is right and you can do it smartly.
     
  11. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    here's my take on the subject: http://saysmom.com/maia/content.asp?Writing=77

    and, for the record, it was written when i was in my late 50's, after i'd suffered through ten years of marital sex that resulting in having 5 kids in less than 5 [pre-pill] years and then finally enjoyed a sex life that was much more 'active' than most folks' since i had spent decades having been brainwashed by our skewed society into believing in 'love' and 'the nuclear family' and all that gluck... gave it all up at 57, have been living in completely content celibacy ever since...

    indulging in sexual activity only as a pastime, or for personal enjoyment is what causes much of the misery in this world... imo, 'twould have been better to keep it as it once was, solely for purposeful and desired procreation...
     
  12. KP Williams
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    KP Williams Contributing Member

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    I have no real opinion on the matter. If people want to get busy before being legally bound, or even with a complete stranger, that's not my choice and it doesn't affect me. I have no reason to care.

    What confuses me is the fact that so many people--especially guys--brag about how many times they've done it as if it's deserving of a medal or something. I would say "Tell someone who cares," but I seem to be the only one around here who doesn't care. >_<

    As for me? I really don't care if I ever have sex or not. The idea of it doesn't have any significance in my mind.
     
  13. Mercurial
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    Mercurial Contributing Member Contributor

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    I can be in love without having sex.
    I can have sex without being in love. (Though I havent, but who's to say I wont?)
    But they just happen to go really, really well together.

    Whaa, someone else feels the same I do!

    This is why I'll wait to have sex and wait even longer to get married, if I get married at all. I think a lot of people make the mistake thinking that it will bring them closer together, but it really just deteriorates the relationship (from my perspective on the subject, at least).
    I figure Rei's right; that's perhaps the reason the couple from the OP are waiting until marriage...?

    But it's no skin off my nose; I feel a little old to not have had sex yet, but whether you have it at six, sixteen, or sixty-six... unless you still view it as procreation, it's just another way to have fun, and I have enough fun (and probably better fun) as it is.

    *shrug* Whatever. But it's nice to hear people's opinions on this.
     
  14. Shadow Dragon
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    Shadow Dragon Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think the first time should be special, but after that, It's merely something that people do for their enjoyment. I think physical intimatesy is just a way of showing affection for the other person, not something that's sacred or anything like that.
     
  15. Bob Magness
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    Bob Magness Senior Member

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    That is the most important part of the situation right there.
     
  16. inkslinger
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    inkslinger Contributing Member

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    It doesn't matter. I mean, some people have sex before marriage. Some people wait to have sex until they're married. It's nobody's business but that persons.

    I personally don't see the point of waiting until you're married, but again that's just my individual take on it....many other people feel the exact opposite.
     
  17. Kratos
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    Kratos Contributing Member

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    As a Christian, I believe it's wrong.
    Do I think that it's a gigantic sin and all that? No.
    The main issue I have with it is the possibility of the girl getting pregnant, and then you've got a bigger issue to deal with. Plus, you want your wedding night to be special, right?
     
  18. Speedy
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    Speedy Contributing Member Contributor

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    I completly understand this. Religion/culture was the one issue i was going to mention before (But didnt feel like posting in this thread). But you mentioned what i was thinking.

    Im guessing if your religion doesnt allow sex before mariage and you happen to knock someone up, there is a chance you'll be rejected from the society, which would be a very harsh punishmentthat noboy wants.

    Perosnally i don;t judge anyone on their opinion on this. As long as the peson is happy, it makes me happy.
     
  19. Nilfiry
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    Nilfiry Contributing Member

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    If you're happy with it and prepared for any consequences, then I say go for it.
     
  20. Kratos
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    Kratos Contributing Member

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    Exactly. I've come to learn a lot of stuff that I thought was totally wrong isn't as bad, and one of those is pre-marital sex. Now, I've never been in a relationship nearing that level yet, so i don't know exactly what I would do in such a situation. I think people should try to save it for their wedding night, if only to make it more special. If they don't, well that's there decision, and honestly I don't think its that big of a deal anymore.

    Alright, enough ranting. I need to go to bed. :D
     
  21. hiddennovelist
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    hiddennovelist Contributing Member Contributor

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    I was raised in a VERY religious home and always taught that you should wait until you're married, but I don't agree that waiting is necessarily the way to go. Sure, waiting until you're wedding night would make it special, but the one thing that has really bothered me about the whole waiting thing is that I have seen SO many of my friends and acquaintances rush into marriage because they were taught that if you date for a long time, have a long engagement, etc, the temptation will be too much and you will succumb to the evil whisperings of Satan and do the deed outside of wedlock, which will lead to you getting kicked out of the church, talked crap about, etc, etc, etc...and I think that is ridiculous. If you're waiting until marriage and you're still willing to keep a cool head about it and not rush into anything you're not sure about, then that's great for you. But if you marry someone you just met two months ago because you want to do the dirty (I've seen it happen...it's ridiculous), that's probably not a great foundation for your relationship...

    Ultimately, it's a decision for every person to make for themselves, and I totally respect that. I just hope that when people decide to wait, they get married when they're ready and not just when they're ready to have sex.
     
  22. Rykoshet
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    This is ridiculous. Well, I'm a little heated, but hear me out. Sex is the very bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. According to him, it's necessary to achieve a steady dose of it before you can move on to safety, esteem, self-actualization, and LOVE.

    Now that's a very interesting point, because according to his theory you would need sex before you could cement love. I've studied it mainly from a business perspective and it's one solid theory.

    It's an interesting piece of psychology to study--whether or not one needs sex to be whole. Personally, if I wasn't getting it regularly, it would be nagging at me all the time. I've just seen it as a character flaw, not blown out of proportion a la David Duchovny, but some sort of void that needs to be filled for me to be whole. At least occasionally.

    I'm sure many people have a better hold on their desires, but I have to wonder whether they're doing it because of a strong will like the monks, or whether it's some sort of apathy and sloth.
     
  23. Mcarpenter
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    Mcarpenter Contributing Member

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    To me, that decision is about conscience--that little thing you have to live with night and day.
    If someone's conscience tells them one thing and they go against it, they have to be pretty apathetic and callous to ignore the repercussions. Not everyone's conscience is going to nag them over this point; obviously, but if someone's does, then they should be allowed to listen to it and not be pressured into submitting to everyone else's (jaded) opinion on the matter.:cool:
     
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  24. Rei
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    Rei Contributing Member Contributor

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    Sex doesn't harm the relationship if you have a healthy perspective on it and you are both ready. If you do it for the right reasons, it really can do good things for the relationship. The problem is that people think just having sex will bring you closer together and forget that it isn't just about the phsyical aspect, but the psychological aspect as well.
     
  25. Neha
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    Neha Beyond Infinity. Contributor

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    I can legally have sex now without it being called rape!!

    Buttt...my Mom Dad would have my head if I even talk to a guy, they'd probably disown me if I have sex and they come to know about it!! But then that's our culture. I think the whole issue depends on mainly culture and the social environment-we behave accordingly. In India, although many girls are in a live-in relationship now, but one-night stands are probably non-existant, and the relationships they are in mostly have parental approval. On the other hand, many Hindus, and the majority of Muslims, do not believe in pre-marital sex.

    Personally, that's fine with me. Of course, I don't believe you necessarily have to wait, I just want to wait until I fall in love, or get arranged married-whichever comes first. My friends and I talk about what we'd do, and we all agree that we wouldn't dare cross cultural boundaries. I know for a fact that there's only one minor in the whole of my town who is not a virgin.

    Also there's one more thing that's happening, though we're not as advanced as to lose our virginity on prom night, we're not as orthodox as our parents either, who've not even discussed sex with us, forget safe sex.
     
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