1. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Contributor

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    Share Your First Three Sentences

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Tenderiser, Apr 20, 2016.

    I'm shamelessly stealing this thread idea from another site.

    It's simple: share the first three sentence of your work. It can be a WIP, a finished piece, a shelved piece, whatever you like.

    Others tell you if they would read on and give you a critique if they wish.

    Three sentences only and that's the only rule.

    I'll start:

    Rachel Shaw sat on a bench outside the clinic and watched a caterpillar crawl towards a fork in a tree branch. If it went left, she’d go to the appointment. If it went right, she’d cancel it.
     
  2. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    What have I become? Was it always like this? Too many lost memories, and pain of growing so cold.
     
  3. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    Pretty good. I might consider getting rid of the last name, though.
     
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  4. Steerpike
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    Steerpike Felis amatus Supporter Contributor

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    (Current draft, which changes fairly often):

    Her name was Aurora May, and she lived in a world of gears. From great beveled gears that set the worlds in motion about their axes to fine spur gears that fit on the tip of her pinky, their oilslick surfaces transforming her skin from deep brown to shining black. She lived in a world of gears, and she couldn't imagine any other life.
     
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  5. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    No idea what's going on, where we are, or who is talking. Also, it's a little angsty.
     
  6. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    Excellent. In not going to suggest getting rid of last name, because I'm assuming an omniscient or omniscient-esque POV here. Love the repetition. Love the imagery. I'm sensing a strong world. I would read on.
     
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  7. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Contributor

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    I hope we get an 'anchor' pretty soon? Some idea of who the character is and/or where s/he is. It does sound a little angsty. :)

    My tastes are pretty simple so I'd probably be thinking "this is a bit highbrow for me" but I'd certainly read on.
     
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  8. Brindy
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    Brindy Contributing Member Supporter

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    The two of them had been running through the dark streets of London for the past hour. The cobbles beneath their paws were wet and slippery after being swilled down, clearing piles of rubbish from pathways and gutters left over from another busy day in the City. Running was getting more and more difficult and they were both tired and hungry after a long day evading their chasers and they still hadn’t found anywhere to shelter for the night.
     
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  9. Brindy
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    Brindy Contributing Member Supporter

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    Yes, I would want to read more of this.
     
  10. Krea
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    Krea Member

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    Hugh Everett's ashes are in the dumpster behind the restaurant I work at. I know because they start moving on Monday, and by Tuesday, there's a writhing charred leg and parts of his open torso wedged between two white trash bags. Wednesday, he speaks to me for the first time.
     
  11. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    @Tenderiser and @123456789 Yes well to be fair the character is not the most social of people at first considering what she does for a profession, but yes in the short introductory it is established both who and what not. Kinda hard to establish things in a minuscule 3 sentences. :p

    Also, @Tenderiser I would read yours if I came across it in my search for something to read. :D

    @Steerpike Yours sounds interesting, kinda has me wondering whether it is Steampunk or Sci-Fi. None the less I would like to read more.
     
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  12. Krea
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    Krea Member

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    I like the first two sentences but the third feels a bit dense, especially considering the length of all three. I would split at least one of these up into two or more sentences, just for variety's sake.
     
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  13. Steerpike
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    Steerpike Felis amatus Supporter Contributor

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    @Tenderiser that's a nice opening. I'd read on from there.

    @Cave Troll that's not a bad opening, and I'd keep going, but like Tenderiser I'd hope to get anchored pretty quickly. Just a personal preference, but I don't often care for openings that leave the character unidentified. You see a lot of that in fantasy writing, where you have some unnamed man or woman acting for a few pages. Yours raises some interesting questions, so I'd go on to see where things were leading.

    @Brindy Paws? Yeah, I'd read on to see what that is about.
     
  14. Krea
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    Krea Member

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    IDK how I feel about introducing a character by her whole name, as someone already stated, but I am a huge fan of the imagery here and I actually kind of like the omniscient vibe the writing gives.
     
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  15. Steerpike
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    Steerpike Felis amatus Supporter Contributor

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    Sure, I'd go on with this. Ashes in a dumpster that are apparently regenerating? Has a UF vibe right from the start, which I'm generally down for. I'd read it to see what is going on and who the narrator is.
     
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  16. halisme
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    halisme Contributing Member Contributor

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    Part of a fantasy comedy I'm thinking of writing.


    “Mam, I, I don’t wanna be part o’the ‘orde.” The words finally managed to drag themselves out the orc's mouth as he sat at the crude table, a half-bowl of grubs wiggling in front of him before he picked one up and placed it in his mouth.

    “I told ya once, I’ll tells ya again, you's too dumb ta be a shaman, too small ta be the chief, and we ain’t got enough loot ta buy ya a warg, especially considering what ‘appened to the last one.”
     
  17. Krea
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    Krea Member

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    @Steerpike thanks! do you know who hugh everett is? just curious, because he's the least recognizable of the historical characters used in the story.
     
  18. Krea
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    Krea Member

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    I would keep reading just because I'm a sucker for comedy set in high fantasy worlds but I have to say, the way you're writing the dialogue is a bit cumbersome to read. You could scale back and I would still understand that the characters have accents and what they sound like.
     
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  19. Steerpike
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    Steerpike Felis amatus Supporter Contributor

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    Nope. I'm not familiar with him.
     
  20. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    @halisme It sounds like it would be a fun read. :p

    @Steerpike I know what you mean. I have something less short, direct, and not angsty if you and @Tenderiser prefer. :p
     
  21. Krea
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    Krea Member

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    @Steerpike thank you, i was just curious! if you're curious: he was a physicist who started out in academics but switched to making models for the pentagon after his theory of parallel universes was considered bunk and unprovable.
     
  22. Jack Asher
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    Jack Asher Wildly experimental Contributor

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    Well he has to write the dialogue like that, because orc's teeth are too bit to fit in their mouths. Makes their speech funny.
     
  23. Krea
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    Krea Member

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    @Jack Asher

    i had no lack of understanding of the concept. i just personally thought it was overdone. preferences, yo.
     
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  24. halisme
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    halisme Contributing Member Contributor

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    It's actually based on the local dialect of the area I'm in, and it'd slowly go away through out the story.
     
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  25. Krea
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    @halisme

    that sounds great, actually, because I wouldn't mind it if it faded out.
     

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