1. Lae
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    Lae Contributing Member Contributor

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    Sharing vs right to privacy

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Lae, Jul 8, 2014.

    Morning all,

    I'm quite a private person, i'm not into gossiping, i believe if someone wants me to know something or feels something is important enough they will tell me. This is the rule i follow, unfortunately it is not universal and to some more sensitive people it can appear disinterested and make people feel distant. It also makes you look like you're hiding something, which is usually not the case/or with good reason (birthday gift etc)

    Obviously i wouldn't want anyone to feel this way, to be honest if someone asks me a question i will most likely answer but i don't offer information freely without prompting, and if people ask too many questions i get irritated quite quickly. This tends to extend to most if not all people, from family to authorities and my partner. It does cause problems sometimes but it's not something i can change, i can only ignore the irritation for so long.

    Does anyone here share that mentality? live with someone else that does?
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2014
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  2. daemon
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    daemon Contributing Member Contributor

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    I do (share your mentality), and it has been weighing heavily on my mind lately.
     
  3. Lae
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    Lae Contributing Member Contributor

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    o_O i just realized, due to the nature of the thread...its kinda hard to ask any questions.

    awkward man-talk seems the only possible solution
     
  4. daemon
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    daemon Contributing Member Contributor

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    I will write more about the matter when I think of something worth writing. ;)
     
  5. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I used to be this closed-off, lemme-handle-my-own-probs kind of person who was also often described as cold and disinterested.

    But I think I've become more caring and open now, and I feel like I'm better off this way. I often ask how my family members or friends are holding up if I know they're going through crap, and often people are positively surprised to realize someone's willing to help them or just listen to them. My family's super closed-off, so sometimes it's a chore, but in the end it's been rewarding to be able to help or even talk about my own problems and get that proverbial lead anvil off my chest.

    Gossiping is different; it's just a bad habit and pretty damn rude too, afaic.

    Also, it can be impolite to unload your crap on the unsuspecting passer-by, too, so I wouldn't recommend that either. :D

    Oh, and if you get over-friendly with a half-stranger, they can get the wrong idea and become clingy. Teenagers are the worst. Sure, you want to help them, but you don't want them to get the idea that they can whine about every itty bitty problem to you and fish for sympathy or positive reinforcement. I've ended up "mentoring" a few cousins, for example, and it can get emotionally pretty heavy to ride the rollercoaster with them. And it takes some Jesus-powers to remain understanding when your boyfriend's teenage protégée starts texting him after midnight about some first world problems. :angle:

    But in the end, being shar-y feels better than being that ice block my upbringing taught me to be.
     
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  6. Lae
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    Lae Contributing Member Contributor

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    @KaTrian I have become a lot warmer i guess, especially family and that's largely due to my Mr's influence. I am in most cases helpful and will ask how people are doing etc etc but i only give them the opportunity to tell me, i never press for information even if i know something is wrong because i always think if they want to share their problem with me, they will.

    The emotional stuff is different, im not particularly emotional but i can see why others are in certain situations so i do try to help, but when it becomes a regular thing, that becomes insanely annoying.

    Did you ever have a problem with sharing information with others, especially if you feel its not important enough to share? For example if i'm telling a story about work or something and i leave out the names of the people because they're genuinely not important and adds nothing to the story but people keep asking, doesn't that wind you up?
     
  7. Dean Stride
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    Dean Stride Contributing Member

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    I somewhat share this mentality. I never fail to ask my friends and family if there's something wrong but only if I know that they might need someone to talk to, like when I see a troubled expression on someone's face, otherwise I don't bother them with anything, because I believe that giving people their space to contemplate on their own is best. Conversely, there is no amount of questions you can ask me that can make me irritable, it's only the amount of intrusiveness that can get to me.

    Unlike @KaTrian, I still prefer to handle my own problems by myself, since I trust in my ability to solve them, not to mention that other people have enough on their shoulders to have me burden them as well. I only ask for help if I physically can't handle something alone (like moving furniture). I don't know how that makes me look, but I've never gotten the feeling that I appear distant. What I do know, however, is that you really can't always carry everything by your lonesome; you sometimes need a hand, but that's what makes us human, I think.
     
  8. Lae
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    Lae Contributing Member Contributor

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    I guess it's not as abnormal as some people would think. I don't know why the amount irritates me, i guess its more the why people ask. I dont understand the reason or point of asking for irrelevant details, i know some people would say "they might not be relevant to you" but if i felt they were important i would have mentioned them.

    I agree with the rest of what you said, i am the same in terms of dealing with my problems, i only really involve others if what i'm doing/have done affects them or obviously if I'm sorting out a mess brought about by them
     
  9. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I don't think I've been in such a situation, even. Seems fairly common to tell an anecdote without naming every actor. If someone wanted to know, I'd assume they're doubting my story or something. Nothing wrong with being critical, but I guess an avalanche of nitpicking questions could rile up just about anybody. Usually people with enough social skills know where to draw the line.


    Maybe I was unclear, I too handle most of my problems on my own, this might even be the preference for most people. But then I ended up on meds and seeing a shrink 'cause I got so fierce with my amazing, independent problem-handling skills. Truth be told, I still prefer the idea of dumping it on a pro who gets paid for it than on a friend/hubbie/family even though most of the time none of them would mind my sharing.

    Like, I just recently found out some assholes were giving grief to my Mom. She didn't tell me anything 'cause she figured I already have enough problems as it is. Her partner then told me about it (without her knowing) and turned out I could help and it was no skin off my back either -- even though I do have a Mount Everest of problems of my own. Sometimes the problems of my loved ones are just more important to me than those of my own.

    Definitely. But at least handling small problems become a lot easier after you've gone through the meat grinder and still somehow managed to pick up the pieces and put yourself together after that, I think.
     
  10. jannert
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    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    I think trust is a big issue as well. You're not going to share anything really important with somebody who probably will use it against you later on. Or will blab the details of your conversation to the World and his Wife. It also sometimes matters if you think the person will actually help you, or will just flap around and become more of a problem than the original problem.

    I had a good friend who used to handle these situations very well. She'd ask if something was wrong, and if it was, and I wanted to tell her about it, she would always say: "Do you want me to help you find a solution, or do you just want to vent for a while? I'm fine either way. I just like to know what you want me to do."

    It's amazing how many times that statement brought me up short ...and made me realise I WAS just wanting to vent, that I actually knew what the solution was myself! Which in so many cases, especially involving human relationship issues, is the truth.
     
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  11. Wreybies
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    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    Just to be sure I'm not reading things into things... Lae, are you gay? I ask you honestly and with the best of intention because if the answer is yes, then I have some things to say concerning your topic.
     
  12. We Are Cartographers
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    We Are Cartographers Active Member

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    .
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2014
  13. Lae
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    Lae Contributing Member Contributor

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    No, i think that was a grammatical error there. My mistake. She's actually my girlfriend but we've been together a long time, soon to be engaged and married so I'm stuck in a little grey area as to what to call her haha, girlfriend is too casual, fiance and wife is too inaccurate so i choose missus, but im too lazy to type it!

    Im now interested in what you would have said, does it now not apply?
     
  14. shadowwalker
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    shadowwalker Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think there's a difference between "caring" and "being open". I protect my privacy in that I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. And I guess after so many years on the planet, I've learned to be wary of asking people too many questions. Some actually want help; others just want a shoulder to cry on; still others want to wallow in self-pity and will find some reason why the situation is hopeless regardless. I don't mind the first group; I can deal with the second; the third I have no time for and has made me wait to see which type the person is before I jump in.
     
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  15. Wreybies
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    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    No, it doesn't really apply now. :) Growing up gay has its own subroutine of privacy that stretches to every corner of your life, what you do and don't tell people, how you do and don't interact with them, etc.
     
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  16. Lae
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    Lae Contributing Member Contributor

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    I agree completely, I can't stand people that complain even after you've given them a solution or won't even try.
    I guess I'm slightly harsh with some people in that respect and a bit too private, I would quite openly tell my own mother if she was behaving like the third group and would quite happily tell my Mrs the same, in terms of privacy, my own family couldn't tell you what I did during childhood and teenage years. I'm a lot more open now though I guess.

    Ah I see, I didn't think of that when you mentioned it. I wonder if it's harder or easier if you're a naturally open or private person
     
  17. jannert
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    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    All of my gay friends speak about this issue. And my heart breaks, thinking about how bloody difficult it's been for them ...both before they came out—having to live a life that wasn't theirs—and afterwards, having to deal with a swampload of prejudice, venom and scrutiny. I really hope this issue is resolved in the minds and hearts of all people during these next few years.
     
  18. Lae
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    Lae Contributing Member Contributor

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    @shadowwalker i forgot to mention the caring and open part, that's part of the problem I think. Most people think open is caring and if youre a closed off person you mustnt care, which is simply not the case. The other end is that you might be hiding something but i think that's on the other person rather than the individual.

    In my case I care very much, I also trust people for the most part (until they prove otherwise) but I still get irritated when bothered by seemingly irrelevant things, constant reasurance that I care because I'm not wildly emotional, or like i said earlier with silly details like names and genders of people involved in anecdotes etc.
     
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  19. Dean Stride
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    Dean Stride Contributing Member

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    Of course. As I said, if I know someone is troubled, I'm there. I'm talking about myself, and I'm not trying to imply that sharing your troubles is a bad thing, just that it's different from the way I do things. I can list quite a few instances where it would've been better if I had asked for an ear or a shoulder, but I rarely do that. Frankly, I don't even remember the last time I talked to anybody about my problems. As long as I don't develop an eye twitch, I don't think that's an issue.
     
  20. Bryan Romer
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    Bryan Romer Contributing Member Contributor

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    I am an intensely private person and I do not like sharing personal information. That is why I have never seen the purpose of things like Facebook.

    Listening and helping others is a completely separate issue. That I am happy to do. But I see no reason why anyone should feel entitled to know things about me unless they intend to employ me or have sex with me.
     

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