?

Should privacy exist in a relationship?

  1. Yes

    68.4%
  2. No

    5.3%
  3. Only if both agree

    26.3%
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Lae
    Offline

    Lae Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2013
    Messages:
    508
    Likes Received:
    224
    Location:
    UK

    Should privacy exist in a relationship?

    Discussion in 'Debate Room' started by Lae, Jul 8, 2014.

    Having made a thread about privacy and being a private person myself i wondered what the effects are on peoples partners.

    Some people (inc my partner) think it shouldn't exist, that you should tell and show all and let you and your partner deal with whatever it throws up.

    I personally think it should, i keep certain elements of my past private from my family and my partner, it's not particularly bad it's just stuff that i'd rather move on from and not have dredged up. I think to give or withhold that information is the right of the individual.
     
  2. outsider
    Offline

    outsider Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2012
    Messages:
    968
    Likes Received:
    609
    Location:
    Glasgow, Scotland
    I hear you up to a point but equally I can understand people's need for there to be transparency and openness in a relationship. In fact, is there not some proposed scheme being launched whereby women can check with the Police to ensure that their (potential) partner does not have a history of domestic abuse, etc?
    In terms of privacy and the desire to be moving forward with one's life, I can relate to your point about individuals retaining the right to share information about themselves. It's one of the reasons I shun Facebook and its ilk. I hate the idea of former girlfriends and friends/acquaintances surreptitiously re-entering my life, through the back door, as it were.
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2014
  3. thirdwind
    Offline

    thirdwind Contributing Member Contest Administrator Reviewer Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2008
    Messages:
    7,351
    Likes Received:
    2,891
    Location:
    Boston
    I think there should be at least a little bit of privacy in a relationship. Women seem to think otherwise.
     
  4. Wreybies
    Offline

    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 1, 2008
    Messages:
    18,890
    Likes Received:
    10,075
    Location:
    Puerto Rico
    Have you been repaid for honesty in the past by having someone use that info against you in some way? I'm not asking ironically. I most certainly have had this happen to me. There's a little piece of my youth that almost cost me where and how I lived the rest of my life. Nothing violent or anything, but a seriously poor choice in acquaintances. The Universe was gracious and allowed me to dodge that bullet and I marked the lesson well. I'm no fool. But across the subsequent years I did have partners use it against me at times, which didn't really reinforce in me the wish to be honest about it.

    My hubby William knows there was a thing, but not the details. He doesn't press and he knows that for this consideration his past foibles and transgressions are sovereignly his and I respect that. I'm not married to who he was at 17 or 18.
     
  5. Nothingness
    Offline

    Nothingness Active Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2014
    Messages:
    101
    Likes Received:
    8
    My answer is, like everyone else's (so far), yes.

    And I doubt your partner holds herself to the same standards she praises.

    Not wanting to bag on someone I don't know, but that's usually the way it goes: transparency is great!, (for other people)
     
  6. Lae
    Offline

    Lae Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2013
    Messages:
    508
    Likes Received:
    224
    Location:
    UK
    I havent heard about the police domestic violence thing, i assume men can also check?

    The facebook stuff, i wholeheartedly agree. That's the same reason i do not use facebook etc, certain people that are no longer in your life are meant to stay that way.

    I haven't had that happen to me, mainly because i have never shared any of it with anyone, i have however had my privacy come back on me. My ex (this being one of the reasons she is an ex) was far too curious and kept on enquiring about my past not only with me, but with my friends and family. As a result (coupled with a few other incidents) i now tend to keep my circles separate, e.g. work friends, home friends and family all separate.

    I have a similar situation with my Mrs, she knows of something but has left it there (for the most part, until her curiosity gets the better of her).

    I agree, and although I could never know for sure, she is a rare woman and probably the most kind hearted person I've ever met, so I'm inclined to believe her and i do trust her completely.
     
  7. Garball
    Offline

    Garball Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand. Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2013
    Messages:
    2,846
    Likes Received:
    1,332
    Location:
    S'port, LA
    I have pulled a complete 180 in my view of this. I used to keep things to myself; if something was irritating me, I wouldn't let anybody know how I was feeling; it doesn't matter what we did in our past, we are here now.

    After an short marriage ending in divorce, I feel and act differently with my current GF. I/we have no secrets. We openly express our feelings and emotions. We might not be able to change the past, but we are a sum of our parts and knowing those parts might help understand why we feel the way we do today.

    Not having privacy does not mean you have to constantly talk about the subjects you'd rather avoid. I hate talking to Emily about my failed marriage, but I had to. Knowing something bad that happened to her in college might help me understand why some subjects are sensitive.
     
    Lea`Brooks likes this.
  8. Nilfiry
    Offline

    Nilfiry Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2008
    Messages:
    670
    Likes Received:
    81
    Location:
    Eternal Stream
    It is just like writing a story. You give only what is necessary to convey your ideas and leave out the things that serve no purpose. All of the extra, unimportant stuff will probably be forgotten or overlooked anyway.

    That being said, the matter of privacy should be an ask-and-give sort of thing. If your partner asks something of you, you should probably do your best to give honestly, even if you feel uncomfortable about it. Your partner is supposed to be someone you can trust with everything, since you are already entrusting your life and happiness with that person. They two of you are supposed to be a team working together to shoulder whatever burdens that the two of you have, so it is the responsibility of both to overcome whatever fear or hesitation that each one has for the sake of the two.

    However, that does not mean that as someone's partner, you should pry into everything on a whim. Despite knowing your partner would try to give you anything that you ask, it is your responsibility to consider what you should be asking of your partner. You should be able to trust your partner not to hold important information from you for whatever reason, so if it is not necessary to know, then you may need to consider whether you should be slating your curiosity.

    Privacy should be something that those in a relationship grant each other out of respect and consideration, and not because it is necessary for any reason.

    This is all assuming an ideal relationship.
     
  9. Garball
    Offline

    Garball Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand. Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2013
    Messages:
    2,846
    Likes Received:
    1,332
    Location:
    S'port, LA
    Wouldn't being open be a building block of an ideal relationship?
     
  10. Nilfiry
    Offline

    Nilfiry Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2008
    Messages:
    670
    Likes Received:
    81
    Location:
    Eternal Stream
    I think being open comes naturally as a result of the ability to trust someone completely.
     
  11. Garball
    Offline

    Garball Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand. Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2013
    Messages:
    2,846
    Likes Received:
    1,332
    Location:
    S'port, LA
    Yes, but trust does not come before trial. It is the communication and sharing of information and what your partner does with that information that creates trust.
     
  12. Duchess-Yukine-Suoh
    Offline

    Duchess-Yukine-Suoh Girl #21 Contributor

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2013
    Messages:
    2,319
    Likes Received:
    743
    Location:
    Music Room #3
    I think it depends on what it is, but I would still want to know. I'm a pretty laid-back person, but I still need to protect myself. I could handle a minor scrape with the law or something, but if the guy has a history of domestic abuse, I don't want to be with him and I think I should have the right to know to protect myself, my (future) children, etc.
     
  13. ChickenFreak
    Offline

    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2010
    Messages:
    8,969
    Likes Received:
    5,491
    My first response is, "Of course it should." But all the same, I'd like some context.

    It's none of my partner's business if I want to watch sloppy soap operas when I'm sick. It probably is his business if I served eighteen months for armed robbery.

    I have every right to have private email and phone conversations with anyone I darn well please. But if I ever cheated on him, he might be reasonable to demand that I give up that right for a while.

    And so on. It's an "it depends" question. But I definitely don't agree with the idea that secrets are always wrong in a relationship. Everyone has a right to a private part of their lives.
     
  14. Link the Writer
    Offline

    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2009
    Messages:
    11,216
    Likes Received:
    4,226
    Location:
    Alabama, USA
    As ChickenFreak said, it's all up to the person and the context of the secret. Not everyone wants to talk about something in their past that they are ashamed of, or otherwise feel uncomfortable talking about, and that's well within their right. Now, if my future partner had chronic depression which manifested by periods of severe alcoholism, then yes, I would like to know so I could be there for her. But my future partner gets to have a private part of her life, and I get to have a private part of my life. If she wants to watch shows geared for kids, or read hard-broiled detective novels and chat about them on forums dedicated to that genre, then she should go do just that.
     
    Christopher Snape. likes this.
  15. Garball
    Offline

    Garball Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand. Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2013
    Messages:
    2,846
    Likes Received:
    1,332
    Location:
    S'port, LA
    Doing things by yourself doesn't define privacy. Nobody wants to spend every waking second with their SO. Secrets define privacy, to me, and secrets are like bubbles in the foundation.
     
  16. Fullmetal Xeno
    Offline

    Fullmetal Xeno Protector of Literature Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 15, 2011
    Messages:
    1,364
    Likes Received:
    141
    Location:
    Kingdom of Austniad
    Yes and No. A little bit is needed for both parties to have their space and boundaries and make sure they aren't crossed. But yes, every relationship should be transparent so the trust factor can be built upon to ensure a healthier relationship. It's never going to be butterflies and rainbows 100% of the time, but the strongest relationships come out of the fire mostly unscathed with a few scars.
     
  17. KaTrian
    Offline

    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2013
    Messages:
    5,566
    Likes Received:
    3,563
    Location:
    The Great Swamp
    Depends on the relationship, I guess. In our marriage, we're very open, but both of us have some dark stuff in the past we know of, but we don't know the details, and it's better that way. However, this might bother somebody else, so what works for others, might not work for someone else.
     
    T.Trian and outsider like this.
  18. prettyprettyprettygood
    Offline

    prettyprettyprettygood Active Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2011
    Messages:
    452
    Likes Received:
    46
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    I think privacy is certainly a right that everyone should have, but from experience I can say how liberating it is to share stuff, even things you didn't think you wanted to share, with someone who cares about you. I had no idea how affected I was by my privacy issues until I started 'experimenting' with being more open about things, now it really feels like a weight has been lifted and I'm much happier, less tense, less stressed and, without wishing to sound like I'm in the 1950's, a better wife.

    Also a good partner would normally understand whatever limitations you set on how much you tell them; as KaTrian says, they'll know when the gist is enough.

    But all this said, it really does depend on the 'elements' and the people involved, and I certainly understand not wanting to dredge up the past - I just feel that some people may be pleasantly surprised by the experience, as I was.
     
  19. cynthia_1968
    Offline

    cynthia_1968 Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2014
    Messages:
    162
    Likes Received:
    45
    Location:
    Amsterdam, the Netherlands
    The most important thing in a relationship, according to me, is trust.

    If you don't trust your partner, or likewise, then there's not a real fundament to go on with the relation.

    If you trust your partner, then there's enough room for privacy. Being together isn't like a prison. If it feels like it, then it's better to move on if you ask me.
     
  20. T.Trian
    Offline

    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Staff Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2013
    Messages:
    2,246
    Likes Received:
    1,449
    Location:
    Mushroom Land
    Like @KaTrian said, we share a lot with each other, but there is such a thing, in our opinion, as knowing too much, mainly things that only serve to hurt instead of providing anything positive to either party. Basically we follow the principle that we can ask each other anything, and the answer will be truthful, but luckily we both know just enough about one another to know which questions not to ask.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page