1. Cosmos
    Offline

    Cosmos Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2009
    Messages:
    241
    Likes Received:
    5

    Some advice: how to get guys to leave me alone?

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Cosmos, Jan 19, 2010.

    First let me say that I know there are many guys who are respectful of a gal's boundaries and buzz off when asked to. And that there are many girls who cling like there's no tomorrow...in my particular case I'm dealing with a guy that tends to think that I'm their salvation, their living a new, meaningful life, etc. etc.

    I was hoping for a little advice at getting one particular guy to stop trying to jump my bones. I've had guys in the past that were clingy, even stalkerish, but for the most part I've managed to either get rid of them or get them to stop being so crazy...but this particular dude seems hopeless, yet he is a dear friend of mine and I'd hate myself if upped and vanished. I've made it clear, boyfriend or no boyfriend, I wouldn't date him ever, yet I see endless emails about how I can save him with my love, postings that talk about how he's hopelessly in love and even random comments about offing himself if I can't find it in myself to love him.

    So eh, suggestions? It's driving me insane. He's a good person, I believe this, but he can't seem to get over this obsession, which strangely enough I keep inspiring in a few guys. oO
     
  2. mammamaia
    Offline

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2006
    Messages:
    19,316
    Likes Received:
    1,014
    Location:
    Coquille, Oregon
    sounds like this guy is over the edge!... if you really care about him, you'd better share this with his family asap, before he does something drastic to himself, or to you, or to both of you... and don't say he won't!... it happens every day...

    i strongly suggest you change your approach to and behavior with guys, if this keeps happening... they don't go gaga over you for no reason, so you're either consciously or unconsciously sending out signals that you need to tone down, desensualize... and yes, i speak from experience, having had the same 'problem' in my old life...

    how old are you?

    consider the fact that you encourage him to continue, every time you reply to an email, or take a phone call from him... if you find you can't stop yourself, then you both need help...
     
  3. Cogito
    Offline

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    35,935
    Likes Received:
    2,043
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    You could try letting him know that his unwanted (yes, unwanted!) attention is straining your friendship, and that it is time to back off.
     
  4. lessa
    Offline

    lessa Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2007
    Messages:
    1,917
    Likes Received:
    27
    Location:
    Fantasy land
    you poor girl.
    seriously this guy is stalking you with the emails. that is against the law. he needs serious help and talking to by professionals.
    To get rid of a couple guys who swore I was the one and only I finally had to leave town. thankfully computers were still much in the future.
    I actually had one guy tell me he was sorry I got married and then offered to send my husband and I on a cruise for our honey moon.
    Some guys just can't no for an answer so you really should talk to someone who can take him in hand.
     
  5. Ferret
    Offline

    Ferret Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2006
    Messages:
    559
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    The parts of your soul you refuse to recognize.
    uhh... stop wearing makeup and gain a little weight?
     
  6. Cogito
    Offline

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2007
    Messages:
    35,935
    Likes Received:
    2,043
    Location:
    Massachusetts, USA
    That really isn't funny.
     
  7. Ashleigh
    Offline

    Ashleigh Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Oct 16, 2008
    Messages:
    4,186
    Likes Received:
    143
    Location:
    In the comfort of my stubborn little mind.
    Because lord knows that a girl with meat on her bones who doesn't cake herself in makeup must be repulsive.

    No, OP, how about you don't change yourself for some guy and just tell him straight. Pleading and threatening to kill himself is a horrible burden and it's completely unacceptable. Tell him if he cared about your friendship, then he'd leave it and move on. Surely he'd rather have you as a friend then not at all?
     
  8. NaCl
    Offline

    NaCl Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2008
    Messages:
    1,855
    Likes Received:
    58
    Either, he is mentally ill (you described him as obsessive), or you both are in need of counseling (co-dependent).

    Threatening to kill oneself is a "controlling" behavior designed to force a response from you. Don't play the game. If you reply to his emails, you're buying into his control. If you argue with him, plead with him or threaten him...you're playing the game according to his rules. It's time for you to cut off the relationship. Send him an email saying you will not accept any further telephone calls, emails, text messages or other attempts to contact you, including any reply to your message. End the message by wishing him good luck with his future and use the words, "Good bye." THEN...follow through.

    p.s. Will you lose a friend? No. He's NOT your friend if he's attempting to control your behavior. He's a predator.
     
  9. Torana
    Offline

    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    9,659
    Likes Received:
    128
    I agree with NaCl on this one. He does sound like a predator. I myself have been in very similar situations, and it wasn't comfortable what so ever.

    The best thing you can do is confront him and tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to stop because you only want to be friends with him and tell him how his behaviour is affecting you personally. If this guy is a friend, he will stop. Or do as NaCl suggests and cut off the relationship all together. I also suggest that for your own safety, because sometimes people can react badly in these situations, is to tell your parents or close friends or even another adult about the situation incase he does have a bad retaliation or becomes stalkerish. It is better safe than sorry in these situations.

    I hope that things turn out ok, big hugs darl.
     
  10. Coldwriter
    Offline

    Coldwriter Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Dec 7, 2009
    Messages:
    281
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Some say in an idealistic bubble they cant wait to
    Don't be manipulated. It can be subtle and in the form of love and emotional need.

    The others said some good things. That's all I'd like to contribute.
     
  11. writewizard
    Offline

    writewizard Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2009
    Messages:
    840
    Likes Received:
    7
    If he still isn't listening to you you may really need to notify someone about this... It really depends on how serious this is. If a guy I knew (I have two guys in mind, mind you) started stalking me, I would call the cops. But the other few I would find it VERY hard to do so. Ignore half of the emails might be a good start. If he seems too stalkerish... Call the cops, even if he is a good friend. OR find someone to talk to him about it.
     
  12. bluebell80
    Offline

    bluebell80 Contributing Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2009
    Messages:
    636
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    Vermont
    Well, if you stop and think about it, what do all these guys have in common besides their crazy behavior? ... You. It's not that these guys are all attracted to you and that you play no part in allowing them into your life. You let them in. You are friends with them, even though you don't want anything more than to be "just friends."

    The majority of guys (as you can see I am not saying all guys, but a good chunk of the male population) don't have female friends. There are plenty of exceptions to this, as I have known enough guys who are capable of being just friends with a woman, but most in the end want to jump her bones no matter what the situation may be. Ugly, fat, skinny, attractive, it doesn't matter, she's female, they are close, he wants to have sex with her, or worse yet, falls in love way to easily.

    This is a sign that you are attracted, friend or boyfriend, to men of the same type, emotionally controlling, co-dependent, and emotionally immature. This could indicate that you have some what lower self esteem and need these guys to reflect to you a vision of your self that you can like. They have to fall in love with you for some reason, right? Because you are wonderful, amazing, and they can't live with you...all ego boosters for us girls. But in the end these guys are crazy, unstable, and useless piles of dog doodoo.

    You also can't play the martyr card. You choose to be friends with him. You convince yourself that he's a good person, a dear friend, but would a good female friend treat you this way? He obviously wants more than to "just be friends," and isn't respecting you in any way, shape, or form in that you are not interested in having a sexual relationship with him, because in the end that is what being a boyfriend and a lover would mean. But, you continue to get the validation of the external view he projects on you through his crazy behavior.

    Break off the relationship and find some healthy people to be friends with. Plain and simple. If you can't find friends like that, either you need therapy, or you just need to be much pickier with the people you allow into your life.
     
  13. madhoca
    Offline

    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Dec 1, 2008
    Messages:
    2,527
    Likes Received:
    88
    Location:
    the shadow of the velvet fortress
    This isn't very normal behaviour on his part. There can really be only two main explanations for it:
    a) the guy is ill and possibly dangerous, so keep away from him OR
    b) you are encouraging in some way, maybe you're not even aware of the fact, but you've got to stop IF you really don't want the attention.

    Even in your post you have a little flirty feeling coming through like you are excited by the situation. But maybe you are just an open and warm person and you find it impossible to be firm about turning him down and getting him out of your life.

    You also come over as rather young. I hope my daughters would let me know if a situation like this was developing that they couldn't cope with. In fact, something like this did develop with my eldest, and from starting as you describe it escalated until we had a full-blown stalking problem. Please be careful.
     
  14. Carmina
    Offline

    Carmina Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2008
    Messages:
    3,909
    Likes Received:
    49
    Location:
    Woodland California
    In my circle of friends, we call guys like that puppydogs. The follow you home and want you to love them...but you never picked them. I had one of these friends for 16 years...yes 16 years. I didn't want to ruin the friendship. I finally (finally) realized that with such a disparity in feeling one for the other and the stresses and pressure that caused...the friendship was not healthy...for either of us. Over time I set more and more limits to our interactions and finally told him that we couldn't be friends. There wasn't friendship anymore...there was just me trying to give him friendship when he wanted something else. That isn't fair to anyone. Cut him loose if you have to. If he can't respect your "not interested" then he doesn't respect you as a friend. Don't drag it out for 16 years.
     
  15. Cosmos
    Offline

    Cosmos Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2009
    Messages:
    241
    Likes Received:
    5
    I want to thank you all for your comments, even the ones I disagree with. Having multiple insights into this will hopefully help me deal with this situation.

    I'm not young by any means. Been in the workforce for several years, if that gives you adequate indication of my age. As you can imagine notifying my parents would accomplish nothing. My parents don't even know that I was actually stalked once (explained more in the second paragraph). They are good people, but they don't know a lick about me.

    I don't believe I have severe mental issues. I have actually seen a therapist a year back when I actually was stalked (you probably guessed it from the Stalking Awareness thread) and she declared me quite sane, though she agrees with the assessment that I'm too accepting of the behaviour of some guys and this probably encourages them to treat me so badly.

    Comments about my flirtateous nature surprise me as I haven't been THAT person in a very long time. I once was a bit of a flirt, but a flirt with good intentions, but after some bad experiences gave up on that, I assure you. Besides I have a wonderful man I have no intentions on hurting with such behaviour.

    I do not believe this guy is an actual stalker. Having had a stalker, I know what one is like. If I wanted to cut this guy from my life I could, but when he's not acting all love-sick he's actually a good friend. That said, I don't wish to expose him to what has got to be pretty unpleasant to him too. I guess I wish I knew a way to do it without hurting him, but nobody ever said doing the right thing ever made anyone feel right about it.

    I do have interactions with decent people who don't treat me this way but yes I do encounter a number of guys who seem to "need" me. I don't know why this happens honestly, but I'll try to keep myself at arm's length at times, rather than be so open. I use to think that such a nature was a good thing, but I guess people can abuse it.

    Again, thank you all. It's been most enlightening.

    btw, I don't wear make-up and the holidays haven't left me very thin, let's just say. :p
     
  16. Torana
    Offline

    Torana Contributing Member Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    9,659
    Likes Received:
    128
    Flirt or not, this kind of behaviour from this friend is unwarranted and he needs to stop. I hate it how people say "It's your fault, you brought it upon yourself" and I don't think anyone SHOULD accuse anyone either.

    Now I have a rough idea of age, just make sure you have friends aware of the situation in case he begins to take on a more dangerous predator role. I've had serious stalkers before, so I don't think you should take any chances.

    I know it is hard when you have to put yourself above others and allow them to get hurt, but you have to be selfish in situations like this and take yourself out of a possibly dangerous situation before it is far too late.

    Big hugs and hope things turn out alright. If you ever need to chat, I'm always about. :)
     
  17. bluebell80
    Offline

    bluebell80 Contributing Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2009
    Messages:
    636
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    Vermont
    I wouldn't really say it's a mental issue, but that the attention is desired on some level, conscious or not.

    In my experience (having been friends with guys like yours in the past-- but also had a female stalker type friend) it seems like a replay of some dysfunctional relationship dynamic of the past. We keep trying to get it right with the same type of person, telling ourselves we can change them if we just hang in there, cause they need us and our help. My one female friend who became stalkerish...well I finally had to get rid of her by answering my door with a shot gun, told her to get off my property or I'd blow her away. (the cops picked her up and brought her to the psych ward a few hours later when she tried to commit suicide -- with a butter knife...yeah I know.)


    Even not flirting can be perceived by desperate people as flirting, so it quite possibly isn't you. Just being friendly can be enough for some creeps to get the wrong idea, imagined or otherwise. Sad to say, this is why I have no friends. Tired of dealing with the drama until I meet some people who aren't freaking crazy, haven't found any yet.

    Not to paint your man as a jealous type, but it doesn't bother him that you have these guy friends who want to get into your pants? Mine isn't all that jealous, but if I told him about a guy who was acting like yours, he might possibly physically damage the man.


    Well, that sounds like a big platter of justification to me. Love-sick or not, it's an excuse that your making for his unwanted bad behavior. You don't want to hurt him, but being his friend while he's pining over you is hurting him, right? You say so yourself here. Either way, being his friend or breaking off the relationship is going to hurt him...but which one is going to hurt you and your lover's relationship less? Which one is going to hurt this guy less in the long run? Staying your friend and wanting a fantasy relationship with you that you don't want, or not having you in his life anymore because he can't separate reality from fiction? Your therapist might have deemed you sane, but you definitely have a pattern going here. Stalkers (I'm guessing this guy wasn't just some random guy, but at one point was a friend?) then stalker like guy friends who "need" you. You have to ask yourself what need of yours that their behavior is filling.

    I don't think it's a matter of not being open, it's a matter of not opening up to the wrong people. There is something to being a friend, but it doesn't mean be a friend to needy guys who want something more than you are willing to give to them. Needy people (guys or girls) are all the same type of personality, self-absorbed, self-centered, and low self-esteem. They suck you into their world of "me" by giving you sob stories, they worm their way into your life, and when you open up to them emotionally and verbally, they know they have you hook, line and sinker. They then manipulate you to get their own selfish needs met, never once stopping to think about you. These are very dysfunctional people, and as such, no amount of friendship from you will make these people functional.

    You sound like I've always been. Nurturing, caring, kind, and easily walked on and over. It's not so much hardening your heart, as being aware of other people's personalities through what they say, how they say it, and what they do. It takes a little practice at observing people, but eventually you will start to see the pattern of language that they use and the way they behave it will become apparent before you let them into your life that they are the type of person you shouldn't let into your life.

    Having friends, having a support system is great and healthy. But harboring dysfunctional friendships is not healthy and in the end (as you've already seen with your stalker) can turn out to be dangerous. We never really know someone do we? Even the best of relationships, there is always the possibility that you aren't seeing everything, which is why it is always good to be aware of others, their behavior patterns, their language, and their general attitude. Crazy people are easy to spot once you know what to look for. High maintain people (the ones that aren't crazy, just annoying) are a little tougher to spot, but eventually show their true colors.

    I've found being friends with people who are so focused on themselves is basically impossible and unhealthy. They can't be your friend, because they are always looking to get something from you. They are masters of manipulation, even if they don't realize they are, because they have had a life time of practice. They manipulate to get what they want.

    Since you have good relationships, you know the difference between a good friend and a needy, self-absorbed one. You can't fix people. This is a tough lesson to learn, I know. You can't control people. And other people can't control you unless you let them.

    Your guy is manipulating you. Giving you the good friend, then turning on the crazy. Manipulation is abusive. Would you take a beating from your boyfriend? Would you stand for harsh words from him? If not, which I'd assume, then why accept the abuse from a guy friend? Emotional abuse can seem like a clouded thing, it's hard to pinpoint, but manipulation is definitely part of an abusive relationship. The only thing this guy is thinking about is himself when he's crying to you in these "love sick" times. Is that a real friend? When you're so concerned about how being friends with you is hurting him, because you have a boyfriend, or even if you didn't, you still wouldn't date this man...that tells you something right there. Even if he is Brad Pitt, or ugly as sin, his personality is obviously not a turn on for you, thus how does that make him a good friend? Does he listen to you problems and offer real solutions? Or is he there to comfort you in problems for his own gain in hopes of winning you over? Guys will do anything when they want something, and don't think things like listening to you, or acting like he's being there for you is actually for you, it's for him. It's his way of trying to "get in" in the hopes of having you eventually.

    He may not be a crazy stalker type, but he's still dysfunctional and not healthy for you. He's not really your friend, he wants you. And he will continue to put on the good friend hat with the hopes of having you some day. The hope that this relationship you are in now won't work out, and that you will suddenly realize you're madly in love with him is what keeps him motivated to continue the friendship. It's has nothing to do with you, he doesn't care about YOU, he cares about himself and what he wants, which is YOU!

    Be careful. Because guys like that can turn into stalkers, murderers, and rapists. Heck, girls can too...Single White Female, anyone?
     
  18. Cosmos
    Offline

    Cosmos Contributing Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2009
    Messages:
    241
    Likes Received:
    5
    Thank you both.

    I don't mean to attract the crazies, but even though I don't encourage these folks to treat me this way intentionally, somehow they feel they have the right to do it all the same. And that while my friend, if you can even call him that, has been supportive at times, that doesn't justify his behaviour.

    And that's probably it, I'm afraid. I feel obligated to be there for him, because when others were turning on me during a very bad time in my life, he jumped to my defense. But was that out of friendship or something darker? I don't know, but it's clear that at the very least he's using my feelings of obligation to force me to entertain his whims, whether he's conscious of it or not.

    I guess I'm also desperately afraid of being stalked again. I spent over a year trying to reclaim my life after my stalker did everything he could to destory it--what if my friend should react the same? I'm not sure I have the strength to endure it all again...

    ...Does it sound sad? That my friendship is really bound to him not because I like who he is but rather out of guilt and fear? But I suppose I should be strong about this and cut it off before he gets even more entrenched in my mind and destories whatever little resolve I have left.

    Again, many thanks. To be honest, in my heart I knew what the real end result should be, and I guess I just needed people repeat it outloud.
     
  19. HeinleinFan
    Offline

    HeinleinFan Banned

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2007
    Messages:
    483
    Likes Received:
    33
    Harrumph. Okay, first off --

    Cosmos: This is almost certainly not something you're causing. Hate to say this, but it's true - most guys are fine and nice and know how to behave appropriately even if they want to pursue a relationship. But there are some real jerks out there who take advantage of other people's politeness. These guys are subtle about it, at first; they're friendly and not too far from the norm and good to hang out with, until they feel that you think of them as a "friend" and feel obligated to make them feel good (or at least, make them feel non-awkward).

    Then they start the subtle harassment. "But I thought you liked me!" "Aw, c'mon Cosmos, I was just joking, can'cha take a joke?" "But I'm nothing without you." "You've changed my life." Threats to off himself, and other, less obvious-to-the-outsider manipulations. Plus all the nonverbal crud like crowding you, butting in on conversations, bringing up your friendship and your alleged obligations.

    You have done nothing to encourage him. You just happen to fit the target profile he's looking for, consciously or unconsciously. He wants a relationship, maybe, but he's looking for "Women I can maybe bag, and maybe manipulate into it even if they'd rather not" and has set his sights on you.

    Just because this has happened to you before does not mean you are co-dependent or otherwise causing it. The unpleasant truth is, something like 3% of males are willing to be creepy scumbags who make women desperately uncomfortable as a way to manipulate them.

    Women are frequently told to "be polite," to "make nice," or told -- as, unfortunately, has happened even on this thread -- that they are somehow the "cause" of the situation because the woman has been too "inviting" or "pretty" or "enabling" or "co-dependent." So the creepy scumbag quickly learns that if he just pushes all the right buttons, he can make a smart and talented woman actually debate with herself about pushing him away. Even after his behaviour has flagged him as an unwanted nuisance, he continues, because some number of people can in fact be harassed into a relationship they don't want. And if even one in every ten victims can be harassed into it, then he's won. He's gotten the relationship he was seeking.

    That stuff about you provoking him? It's bull. You were just being a nice person, a friend, to a guy you thought was decent. Then he turned out to be a manipulative jerk. That's all.

    We can't always avoid the creeps. Part of the creepiness, after all, is the fact that they're good at blending in. But we can refuse to truck with that sort of nonsense. And there really are good people out there. The hard part might be finding them, but once you have, you're set.
     

Share This Page