1. gsmax7
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    gsmax7 New Member

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    Some simple questions

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by gsmax7, Jan 1, 2010.

    Can someone please help me out with these?

    1. Correct this sentence:

    "After I had just finished a conversation about my dog, I saw him run across the carpet; what a coincidence!"

    2. This sentence just doesn't sound right to me. Can you please improve it?

    "Imagine how happy you would be after being given the ability to fly."

    Don't be afraid to be critical :)
     
  2. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Do you have specific questions about the sentences? I ask because this sounds like a homework assignment.
     
  3. gsmax7
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    gsmax7 New Member

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    Nope, not a homework assignment (in fact, it's winter break), I'm editing my personal statement. These sentences are variations of some of the sentences from my essay; they have the same grammatical structure, but the nouns/verbs are different.

    I want to know how to make the sentences sound less wordy. Also, I have no idea if I punctuated the sentences correctly. Thanks!
     
  4. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    "After I had just finished a conversation about my dog, I saw him run across the carpet; what a coincidence!"

    ...needlessly wordy and overly complex... K.I.S.S.! is the best advice here... should be two sentences, for good meaning/sense... such as:

    other problems with what you wrote are:
    1. 'across the carpet' makes no sense, since that implies he was there with you already...

    2. 'i saw' makes no sense, since you were talking to someone who also had to see the dog...

    what's off here is sticking in the useless/extraneous 'after being' instead of the useful and needed 'if'... so, much better sentence would be:

    'less is more'!
     
  5. gsmax7
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    gsmax7 New Member

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    Thank you very much mamamia!

    I just wanted to double check one thing: For the second sentence, why would it be
    instead of
     
  6. wrenstales
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    wrenstales New Member

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    Theirfore issues

    hi, This isn't anything to do with my story writng, but in nin fiction, i mean daily life dicmumentation, comparasons, my tutor use to tell me that Theirfore makes the document sound old. I sent the project it in last year, but would like to know if the word theirfore is still used in the english language
     
  7. Tessadragon
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    Tessadragon Member

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    After I had just finished a conversation about my dog, I saw him run across the carpet; what a coincidence!

    other versions:
    I finished the conversation about the dog, then he raced across the carpet. "Speak of the devil," I said.

    Just as I finished talking about the dog, he raced across the carpet. "I swear he knows we were talking about him," I commented.
     
  8. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    because you wouldn't be happy only at the very moment you were given the ability, would you?... and that's what 'when' would mean... you'd be happy about having been given the ability and that's what 'if' says, in that sentence...

    wren...
    'theirfore' isn't a word... you seem to mean 'therefore' and of course it's still used... it wouldn't make your piece 'sound old' on its own, though might give that impression, if you used it in an 'old-sounding' sentence structure...
     
  9. architectus
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    architectus Banned

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    Here is a rewrite with the least amount of alteration.

    After we finished a conversation about my dog, we saw him run into the room. What a coincidence!
    After we finished a conversation about my dog, he ran into the room. What a coincidence!

    Had is not needed, since after does the job.


    Imagine how happy you’d be if you could fly.
     

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