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  1. Russo
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    Russo Member

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    Someone Confessing a Crush on Your Husband/Wife

    Discussion in 'Debate Room' started by Russo, Oct 23, 2014.

    I read a blog article tonight that gave me the idea to post this...

    If someone were to confess that they have a "crush" on your husband/wife/significant other, how would you feel? Is it wrong? Is it harmless?

    I've actually had this happen before. Now, whenever I see the girl in public, I fight the urge to choke her. She constantly bats her eyes at my fiance and smiles at him, knowing good and well I'm there and that he's taken. Have I said anything to her? No. Will I if given the chance or reason? Hell yes! Why didn't I act whenever I found out about the crush? Because it happened via Facebook and there was nothing I could have done then. I'd much rather confront the girl in person. I'm just waiting for her to "flirt" with him to actually act.
     
  2. A.M.P.
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    A.M.P. People Buy My Books for the Bio Photo Supporter Contributor

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    I think it's a bitch thing to do really... You know the two are in love, together, married or whatever and you just ingrain a sense of fear or doubt into the relationship by admitting an attraction to either member.
     
  3. Wreybies
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    Wreybies The Ops Pops Operations Manager Staff Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    Doing something like that is a total dick move. Have some self control, some self respect, some respect for your friend and your friend's relationship and keep it to yourself. Impulse control, have some.
     
  4. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    Batting your eyes and playing with your hair might be hard to control. You can't really get angry at her for just that.
     
  5. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Discuss it with your SO. The thing is, if your relationship is solid, the obsessions of a casual stalker won't hurt it. If it's not solid, it will fall apart eventually with or without some loser making an ass of himself or herself.

    Discussing it will make sure you are both wary and watchful, in case it's not just a harmless loser. Obsession and a total lack of respect for other people's feelings can lead to real trouble.
     
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  6. edamame
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    edamame Contributing Member Contributor

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    I don't think it's bad if someone has a crush on a married person -- attraction happens, but it takes mutual consent to enter a relationship. I find it strange if they told the married person's S.O. Is this a warning that they will pursue the married person? I definitely think the partners need to communicate to each other about the situation and have the married person tell the crusher to back off.
     
  7. MainerMikeBrown
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    MainerMikeBrown Contributing Member

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    If I had a wife and some other guy had a crush on her, it wouldn't be the other guy's fault that he felt that way about her.

    But it would be his fault if he tried flirting with her. I wouldn't appreciate someone trying to steal my wife from me.
     
  8. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    How can someone steal (from you) what you don't own?
     
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  9. chicagoliz
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    chicagoliz Contributing Member Contributor

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    I don't see what the point is of "confronting her in person." I'd find it amusing if someone told me they had a crush on my husband. I'd tell him right away.
     
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  10. Lemex
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    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

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    Harmless, and kind of cute. What's the problem? And I say that as someone who was cheated on in a really bad way.
     
  11. elynne
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    elynne Active Member

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    disclaimer: have been practicing polyamory for about 15 years, been married (to the same person) for about 20. my opinions run thus:
    • it's fine to have a crush on whoever you want. what you do about it is entirely your choice, and some things are less ethical than others.
    • having a crush on someone who you know is in a monogamous relationship can be--I don't know, annoying? it's really best to just ignore it until it goes away, though. telling the person you have a crush on is more likely to end in awkwardness with that person than anything else; telling the person's SO that you have a crush on the SO is, I would tend to agree, a "dick move." there's nothing good that will come of that. telling anybody else... well, talk about it in confidence with friends maybe? but it's best to strongly avoid saying anything about it anywhere that anybody who doesn't know about or have a good opinion of polyamory can see. nothing good can come of it. just leave it alone.
    • having a crush on someone who you know is in a poly relationship is a horse of an entirely different color. rule of thumb there is communicate, communicate, don't make assumptions, don't try to shove your way into somebody else's relationship, take it slowly, and communicate some more. or if you don't feel like going to that much effort, just ignore it and it'll eventually go away.
    • I know for a fact that other people have had crushes on Spouse while we were married. I know this because Spouse has had relationships with other people while we were married, as have I. I have no problem with anybody having a crush on Spouse, or telling me or Spouse about it--I think it's kind of cute, and if the person having the crush is sane/interesting/attractive, I'm likely to lend encouragement.
    • I'd disapprove of someone having a crush on Spouse and desiring to take Spouse away from me, but I'd mostly think it was sad and icky rather than threatening. I trust Spouse not to ditch me for anyone else, and I know from experience that Spouse would find it sad and icky too, and would strongly avoid anyone who expressed such a sentiment.
    • and what goes for Spouse goes for me too, in reverse.
     
  12. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    You've never heard of this expression?
     
  13. Russo
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    Russo Member

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    No, it's not cute. It's disrespectful and rude. Now, keeping said crush to yourself is okay, but confessing it to that person is very pathetic. The girl wants something she cannot have and she needs to hang it up.
     
  14. A.M.P.
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    Depends how you consider ownership in a relationship.

    ie: Stu owns the title of Husband in the relationship with Wife Mary.
    In the relationship as a thing, husband and wife are together with certain expectation and aspirations.
    If you, steal the Wife title (the third party seducing Mary) you effectively destroy the expectations and aspirations of said thing.

    So, the way I see it, relationships are a partnership where both parties agree to work toward a common goal and future. (Living accommodation, family, expenses, fulfill the need to love and be loved)
    When someone directly takes that, they effectively take away all these things which is a form of metaphysical stealing of those expectations and aspirations.
    Because, it's what those titles imply. When Stu calls Mary as his Wife, it's referring to their relationship status and everything that goes with it. To take away his wife, it's not the person (The person has a choice, usually, in being taken or not) but taking that relationship status away.

    ... wtf am I even debating this? lol,
    You know it's late when you pick random arguments in a forum.
     
  15. Russo
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    Haha! Boredom will get the best of you, indeed.
     
  16. MainerMikeBrown
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    When I said "stealing," I didn't mean it that way, Cogito, because no man owns his wife.
     
  17. BayView
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    BayView Contributing Member Contributor

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    It depends on the context, of course.

    If a friend seemed to be avoiding spending time with me and I asked her why, and she said she had a crush on my boyfriend and was trying to get over it by avoiding him? I'd feel a bit bad for her, a bit disappointed that I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with her... but I wouldn't be angry or think she'd done anything inappropriate.

    If I was drinking with a friend and started complaining about my boyfriend and she defended him, and told me how lucky I was to have him and how she's always had a bit of a crush on him and if I don't want him she'd be happy to take over - you know, if it was said teasingly, or lightly... no problem.

    If someone I didn't know that well told me, I'd be a bit confused about why I was being told, and I think that's where things could get ugly. If it was, like, a warning of impending competition? I wouldn't be too impressed. It seems disrespectful of my relationship. But, really, I guess I'd rather know about it than not know...
     
  18. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I think I'd find it somewhat odd if someone confessed to me they had a crush on my hubs. Did they just want it off their chest? What are they hoping to accomplish? I don't think I'd feel threatened, though. If she came between us, if she actually seduced my husband and he cheated on me, well, guess we weren't meant to be then. There's plenty of guys out there who wouldn't treat me like that, so maybe it were for the best then should it happen. I'd feel like shit, but I can't keep someone with me against their will, or if they simply want too different things (like polygamy).

    Now if she kept flirting with him with me present, I'd find it seriously disrespectful. I'd confront her about it, talk it through, and if she refused to give it a rest, I'd fence her out of my life (or our lives). I don't want or need toxic people in my life.

    If it was a he, I wouldn't mind, tbh. I think I'd just feel kinda sorry for him 'cause it'd remain an unrequited love/crush.
     
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