Somehow this gave me a plot idea for a society where being homosexual is considered the norm, so when Tabitha and Toby fall in love, they have an arduous journey ahead of them. And before you ask, pregnancies are all micro managed in laboratories and no one has seen an actual pregnancy and delivery in years.
Many people feel there is a hole in their lives, and often, this hole turns out to be motorcycle shaped. Buy a motorbike, and ride it everyday. Learn about it through practical experience, maintain it, clean it, renovate it and improve it. Your body will gain an engine and wheels, and your soul will acquire speed and agility undreamed of.
Well, sort of. I wrote about it in my blog. I don't think that it's appropriate for me to go pasting a link in here, so feel free to IM me if you'd like a link to the post. It's not a big angsty life-changing thing, though--it came down to my theory that I had gone from a set of life activities that were keeping my brain chemistry in good creative shape, to a set of life activities that weren't. I specifically theorized that I was experiencing a dopamine deficiency, which was making me uninterested in learning and creative things (since learning and creative things produce dopamine AND are motivated by dopamine) which was producing a worse dopamine deficiency, and spiral down and down. That all sounds sort of New Age and flouncy. Really, the facts are: - I declared a six-month moratorium on buying perfume or buying or otherwise acquiring perfume samples. Seriously. That was the life change. Keep in mind that perfume was a pretty major hobby for me, and the samples drove the writing of perfume reviews, so it's not quite as tiny as it sounds. But it still sounds pretty darn silly to me, too, especially since I stopped because I had a huge backlog of samples to review. - My creative life and general interest in it sliiiid downhill. Not just the perfume writing--everything. - The six months were up, and I started shopping for perfume samples again. - My creative life and general interest in it popped right back up. Not just the perfume writing--everything. Once I realized the pattern and said, "No. No, that's just too silly. That's embarrassing. That can't be it." I went digging around on Google and found that shopping and acquisition and even the consideration of acquisition does produce dopamine. So...that's what I'm going with. My conclusion is that I advise you to add something to your life, something in the dopamine-producing realm. Learn something. Experience something new. Maybe take up a new exercise program--I think that produces dopamine, too. I don't think that it has to be The Right Thing, it just has to be a thing.
Sometimes this hole is guitar-shaped, you know. Get an electric guitar, learn to play it, to improvise with it, to utterly wail with it, and you can exhaust your fury and your angst, at least temporarily. And maybe you'll join a band, make an album, go on tour, become rich and famous, and life will be great!
First off, thank you all for commenting! I really appreciate all of the responses I've garnered. They're insightful and encouraging. To those who noted that 20+ isn't older... I misspoke ha ha. I was originally directing this toward our older community, like 40+ (not to imply that they are old, just more experienced), but I realized there are a number of members here who could weigh in who are simply older than me, even if only by a few years. So that's my mediocre attempt at opening he discussion. You're not depressing at all. It's actually encouraging to think, "no, nothing is missing you just feel that way because of all the changes." It reassures me that things will even out if I keep living my life and perhaps try to get engaged in more activities that interest me or try new things that I think might interest me. It could be that a part of me is longing for something that was there when I was younger that I don't have now. I've remarked before that teens and children are afforded a veil of sorts that sops them from having to thing at certain levels or about certain things, but that is long gone now. ha ha The simple times are over I guess? And thanks for the hug! Well... I can't say I didn't laugh when I saw this. Can't tell if you're serious, joking or both, but I suppose I did say something to that effect some time ago. I've never had sex to be able to make this judgement call (no shame fellas, it's just how my life's played out), but it seems to my like trying to fill the void with sex would be like trying to fill it with ice cream... Then again, it could be the next thing to come to me in life. As a matter of fact, I don't, @KaTrian. I was always a bit of an outsider. I've always lived apart from the people I went to school with, never in the same city or part of the city. I was in San Bernardino but went to school in Redlands, and all of the people I knew lived in Redlands or (more often) Highland. They all had their groups from childhood and I never quite fit in right, not that that's always a bad thing. Ultimately, in my senior year was when I felt the most connected. We had a lot of fun times. But even in all this, I wasn't really in. When we'd split and go our own ways, there would be plans to meet at one another's houses, but I was always just going back home No invites. Moving away for college while they all stayed behind, has driven a small wedge between us. Plus we're all growing up, and growing apart is natural. My cousin, my sister and I used to be real close. Our family nicknamed us 3BK (Three Bad Kids), which we didn't truly appreciate until recent years ha ha. Maybe it is time for some more new things like new hobbies, new music, new interests. I've been exploring different music and trying new things, one step at a time. I do more hiking than I used to, and I'm starting to appreciate being out in a thunderstorm ha ha. Perhaps I'll start going on random adventures when I have more $$. I think it would be cool to go out of state or abroad at least once a year. I think that is something I can and will invest in. Thanks, @jannert. It is the journey that matters. Maybe I need to get out more and do more to meet new people. I'm actually really enjoying my job as cashier because of the human interaction and the fact that it's totally different from anything I've ever thought I could or would do. In fact, it is another thing I said I'd never do but ended up doing it. I said I'd never want to be a teacher, but that's my new plan. I said ASU would be my last choice school, but I ended up there. I said editing was not for me, but now I actually love it... Life continues to surprise me. I also think you're right that while we can seek out some things, most of life's joys find us when we are simply living... It's kinda sad that possibilities close down as we go through life. That's one of the things that I've been thinking about. Just last week, and leading into the feelings that have prompted this question, I had this unshakable feeling that time is being wasted... I wondered what I was doing and what was the point. On a grander scale, I wondered, what's the point of anything we're doing right now? We go to school and then we spend the rest of our lives working to make a living somewhere. And we choose places to live where we can find decent work to pay for where we want to live. In all that are we really doing the "living" part or just going through motions? And the more we lock our self into decisions, the more we have to accept as out of reach... or do we? No 20 isn't older, but older than 20 is older than me. And I really like this answer. Passion seems to be increasingly important to me right now. I've been thinking, we need to get excited about more things, otherwise do more things that make us excited. Passion... No, but anything over 20 is older than me. I really dig this answer, Lemex. Combined with Selbbin's response of "passion," I think you're onto something. If this is just a part of growing up, I'm okay with it. Life does have some limitations, and one of my questions has been "why?" Which limits do we impose on ourselves and which can be overcome another way? I would love to travel! I would love to see the world and learn from the people and the sights and the experiences. But now I have to figure out a smart way to go about it. Travel takes money and time, and now I also have bills that must be paid. So I have to have a job, and I have to be at the job... Mabe I should look for more ways to make my own money... Not to play favorites, but... this is one of my favorite responses, Jazzy. I've not thought of it this way, but it may be that something is coming, like water receding before a wave. I'll definitely pay closer attention. When I think on my feelings, there is a hint of something impending... Yeah, missed opportunities are real challenges to a person's sense of confidence going forward. I often wonder, would I have more character had I tried more hing s when I had the chance? I try to let those go, bu I can't help but consider them when trying to make the "right" decisions going forward... thing is, there is few instances in life where a decision is "right" or "wrong" it's all relative to one's goal... Start now, eh... Yes! Now is the time. Now is the only time... I like the suggestion of getting into new genres. I hadn't thought of that. I've not been sure about what I really like to read lately. I read books, but I've not had a genre or style in a while (not including comic books). I've also found a new interest in movies and writing movie reviews. I'm happy for you, man. Really. That's what I'm trying to do with life now. Iwant to make the most of the time I have going forward and get the best experience I can from it. It's something special to be truly happy with everything going on. I was for a while, even in all the waiting I had to do for a job opportunity. It wasn't until just recently that discontentment came over me. I can't say it's a bad thing, as it is usually a prompt to do something. Seems natural and normal alright. hadn't thought of it like this, bu it makes total sense. Those are all questions I've had in the last couple of weeks. I absolutely love your advice about pictures. I regret that there aren't many pictures of my childhood. I hope I can capture more going forward. Keeping memories and evidence of things... ... never thought it would help this feeling, but I'll try it, if only because It'll be great to have the pictures and it'll give me all the more incentive to do "photo-worthy" things I would advise getting to know yourself. (should be a comma before "myself" he he ) Life at 19 is funny and fickle... It's like pre-20. In some ways it's like the time of your life, in others, it's pretty confusing. This turned pretty interesting... *jot's down for memory use later* Liz you are so right! I never considered myself stressed about any of the things I've been going through but they are natural stressors that I've just taken really well. I may not have felt stressed, but I was under some levels of stress and I can tell by how much relief I felt when I finally found some work. I still have things to figure out and work to do, and I probably always will. I've had to go through my second year of college working from behind as well as trying to make money, while worrying about my family's well-being and trying to figure out my next steps (and or ways to make what I wanted happen. Then I had to come to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be going to the 'Home' and people I knew. And I had to continue looking for a way to pay bills. Now I'm trying to figure out ways to position myself for the future I want, meanwhile trying not to get stuck in financial limbo due to no longer living in Cali, but not having the qualifications for CO residency... When I think about it, my life is pretty complicated. I also have new intrests rising. I want to e an editor for example. I also wouldn't mind running my own site, writing blogs and articles to help attract people to me for business. But things are happening here that I don't want to miss. But I can't forget to re-enroll for school or be engaged with family... One of the biggest reasons I don't go out, aside from not having money or my own car, is that my 5 y/o sister is with me most of the time. Couldn't go hiking yesterday because my family all made plans while I was at work and I was the one stuck out... I think you're right about you're point to get real people around me with whom I can form a regular friendship. It kinda goes along with what Katrian was hinting at, earlier. Well, there we have it... Problem solved, right? I had no idea this was a thing, but it makes sense. Thanks for your insight, Ed! I really appreciate it. You raise a good point about purpose... I can add that to Lemex's and Selbbin's comments of pleasure and passion... I think I probably lost sight of my purpose, or perhaps I have been thinking too long term, setting myself up for the destination when now is what matters... I should probably evaluate what I'm doing and the opportunities I have to do more in my immediate life. Make plans and execute them simply because I want to. Get involved in more groups and activities. You and @chicagoliz pointed out that I'm in college. I'm actually taking some time out do to my financials and the move... but you're totally right. I think one thing that's been holding me back from doing things now is that I'm not sure how long I'll be here or anywhere, and I don't want to form commitments that I have to leave. It's not so good to think that way though. Why hold myself back on an uncertainty?
Don't worry. I remember what it was like to be 20. It was only 4 years ago. I said travel. I understand it's much harder for Americans to see countries that are not America. I've been very lucky in this fact, as a European travel is comparatively cheap, and by the time I was 20 myself I had already been across Europe, and even been to a few war zones (one that was still being fought over). Part of the appeal of Classics for me is because I know the places they talk about, I've been to most of them myself - and they have intellectual interests for me too, because they present a completely alien world. One where the morality and mindsets of the people are so very alien to our own, but they are still very recognizably human. Things like that inspire intensely personal and academic passion that helps fill the void. I also really like Germany, and am going back there in early September with a friend. And reading philosophy, especially science also inspires in me a deep curiosity and wonder for the universe and the human mind. Your question of 'why?' is a very good one, and tells me you are like me in that respect. Never stop asking that, you'll lead a richer, more interesting and more rewarding life because of it. Trust me.
No shame at all, you're a cute guy. That being said, there's nothing like the presence of a woman in a man's life. If you feel like something's missing, and you can't figure out what...and you know...you've never experienced certain things... Ice cream is a poor analogy, because that's an unnecessary element to a good diet (as great as it is). I'd rather compare it to something essential, like meat. If you haven't had a good burger or steak in over a week, you know something's missing. You sound like a smart, optimistic guy with strong family values. That's why my advice is to point to something tangible, as I see no other reason to feel a void at your age, tragedies withstanding of course.
@Andrae Smith - You are such a thoughtful, openminded soul. You will lead a useful, meaningful life, and draw people to you I'm sure. You took the time to think about what each person said on this thread, then gave a personal response to each one. That's a sign of real character and interconnectedness. You'll go far. You've just come out of a stressful period of your life, you're settling into a new job and a new home. It'll take a while for the new connections to establish themselves, but I'm sure you'll be more than ready to appreciate them when they do. Now ...what about this writing lark? Are you doing any creative writing at the moment? Would be nice to think so.
Hummm... Well, I feel the need to point out, just for the sake of the thread, that this particular issue really opens up a can of worms. It actually brings up two issues -- sex and a relationship, which can be related, but don't have to be. I think there'd be quite a few vegetarians who would argue the essentiality of meat. Sooooo.... Yeah, I know sex is a big thing, but it's not the end-all-be-all, and while it might be something that is a big void for some people, the lack of sex in and of itself isn't generally going to lead to the kind of general malaise that I think Andre is talking about. You can be content in other parts of your life, and of course, well, there is always self help. The other part is a relationship and yes, that can be a huge thing, too. But unfortunately, that can't be forced. The only thing worse than not being in a relationship when you would like one is to be in one when you wish you weren't. Having a bad relationship (even if there is regular sex) won't provide that sense of fulfillment, and can even make everything seem worse. It's easy to say to get a relationship, and yes, the right relationship can do wonders to one's outlook. But, to really have a good relationship, a person needs to have that self-fulfillment first and be happy with him or herself in order to share that with someone else. I think finding that "thing" that is lacking is kind of a necessary precursor to having a really good relationship. Again, getting out and doing something that you find interesting is a real key, because you'll find others who are interested in that same thing. If you're at all interested in politics, this is a great time -- campaign season is gearing up and everyone wants help. Whether it's the general Republicans or Democrats, or some specific candidate -- whether it's for the Senate or the House or for a representative to your State house, in Colorado, you can find a local group of like-minded people who would love your help. If that's really not your thing, find something else. Maybe a writer's group or a book club. Maybe something for kids, or something through a YMCA type organization. My understanding from your last post is that you are taking this semester off -- so, I don't know how strict some of the college-based groups are, as far as only being open to current students. But you might be able to get some sense of what's available through the college newspaper, which is probably going to start publishing in a couple weeks.
This statement I think is a bit of a problem -- which you acknowledge. You absolutely should not let that hold you back. It's none of my business, but I'm curious how you ended up in CO and why you think you'll only be staying a short time. You really never know what might happen. Plenty of people move somewhere for what they think is a short time and a few decades later have never left. And you never know - you might make a good friend there who just happens to also move to wherever you move next. Or is willing to follow you. Or you are willing to follow her/him. Also, sometimes there are cities or geographic areas that just click with certain people. Sometimes people end up in a place where they hadn't been before, but they almost immediately feel at home. That can also make things a whole lot easier and there may be more people who are like you in some particular place -- maybe it's where you are in Colorado, or maybe it could be somewhere you haven't even been yet. For me, I've always felt more at home in midwestern cities, although much of my life has been on the East Coast. You might find at some point that someplace further east suits you better. Sometimes it just all comes together, but you have to help it along by putting yourself out there as much as you can.
@Andrae Smith cheers man, its taken a lot of patience (and a three year battle with frankly dangerous quantities of energy drink) to get where i am now, i dont regret a thing from it. which leads me to this. never regret anything you do, or you will find that you never let go of it and move forward. i was doing that, which was leaving me stuck in a rut. now though, now that i have been able to see a direction, i have let go of what i have done in my past (for all the stupid things ive said and done, and hel there is a lot of them) and learnt from it. see whatever you do as experience and grow as a person. a cousin of mine, (whom ive only met three times) said the last time i saw him (which was sadly at his grandma, my great aunts funeral) actually said that i was going to do good things with my life, and that i had grown a lot as a person in the three and a half years that we hadnt seen each other in. if there is something you want to do, aim for it and work your backside off to get there! if i can get there im sure you can
Hehe I'm actually part of the older crowd here. 22 this October. You've got some good advice which I could put to use in my situation too, which had always been my nefarious agenda. Anyway. I have felt much the same (or worse) ever since I was 19 and it isn't cued for improvement, but then from this thread it seems it is the natural order of things. Still, I would prefer a different me, a me which didn't have to go crashing down at the slightest blows. Someone with more faith in herself and in her future--but I guess then that wouldn't be me But seeing I've developed some serious self-esteem issues, social isolation and recently, anxiety issues (I call them serious because they annoy the hell out of me, never been diagnosed with as much as the blues), I might not exactly be going through what you are, but hey maybe it helps For me, my forte has always been my academic work. When I started college, I formed a strong attachment with both my majors, Biotechnology and Psychology, and have been a bit of an overachieving workaholic because success in them is reassuring to my fickle ego I am very competitive, and it annoys my friends, even the two others who are in the valedictorian race with me. Still, it was my coping mechanism, I knew it wasn't healthy because of the level of obsession I had with stuff such as "why didn't I top this class with a landslide" or "why did I lose 0.25% on class participation" I still do, though I don't know how things pan out ever since my anxiety attacks started now that I have started lab work alongside. Oh yeah, now I've lost my comfort zone, the university, because it's become a symbol of failure for me, much like how I construe everything else around me. I think that's why I'm suffering anxiety now. The point of the above banter is not to detail a sob story (though it does a good job of that XD) but to try and relate our situations, see where this kind of thinking comes from, and how can the suggestions you've got, help. As I mentioned, I'm an academic high-achiever who uses it as a coping mechanism to keep my mind off the problems in my life I'd rather not think about. I guess I haven't grown up, or I'm afraid to So when you do pick yourself a hobby, try not to turn it into a coping mechanism. It's funny I say that, seeing returning to writing is supposed to help me cope with anxiety But don't let it god-mod you like I have let my studies. I'm sure you're not going to let that happen, but I think that trying to fill the void in me resulted in emptying it out even further and then stuffing my eye sockets instead. You're living the life, and so you know that it's not the world of possibilities it used to be. As a teenager many of us may have experienced a high, when we thought we were going to be masterminds and achieve what no one had ever done before in life--a grandiose delusion useful to aide a fledgling for going into launch mode from childhood carelessness. In teenage, everything was on the plate, like many others pointed it; now, sometimes most of the things are not on the plate and there's nothing you can do about it. Now, you've got a reasonably stressful life; maybe you thought it would pan out differently, maybe you find yourself anxious as to whether you can actually do this or not. Maybe you're afraid, like I sometimes am, anxious if this is how you would feel for the rest of your life. What if this isn't a phase, but how it will always be (though it seems it is a phase, most others have reassured )? I haven't figured out my own void-in-the-chest problem, but it's apparent you're a caring, heartwarming individual. You'll find the semblance of control and coherence you want, eventually Another point I'd add, though it might not be very culturally relevant, that it's okay to not have sex. Like I said, that's more of a culturally feature here and a personal choice for you, but if it's any help, it has no long lasting physical repercussions Relationships, though, are probably important, but I lack in that department myself because I don't have "friends" (you know, the kind of friends you can hang out with whenever and go crazy), I'm technically a popular person but there's no one to share the soul with. And I think if I had a few good friends, it would help. I guess having a girlfriend/boyfriend would have the same general effect, but that's still not all there is to relationships. So opening yourself up to commitment, even if you're afraid how it turns out, is probably going to help you overcome other kinds of anxiety and fears in your head. Best wishes, and keep us posted!
Some people mentioned it already, but you need to find something you love, and it helps to have a goal. It doesn't need to be anything earth-shaking, but having something to strive for makes the days worthwhile, and a goal is something you can pursue your whole life, no matter how old you get. If it's true you've just moved then that will cause disorientation as well, but it won't last forever. One thing you'll learn is that 'This too shall pass', and everything but everything happens for a reason. Like others in the thread have said you are a generous, kind-hearted individual. You'll be fine in the end no matter where you end up.
Everyone's got their own thing, of course, but this is the reason to live for me. If there's been no other goal in my life, at least it's been the goal of finding someone. But like Liz said, it won't fill the void for everyone, or perhaps even ease the sense of something-is-missing. As for the stress... Do you feel like you've worked your ass off, stressed and worried, and worked some more, and then it's like... For what? Why am I torturing myself? To what end am I doing all this? What's the purpose of this all? What's the reason for all this toiling? 'Cause that's what I always ask when I've reached the end of my rope. For you the answer could be yourself, your loved ones, or because God wants you to etc. etc. but I think it's important to have that reason there. To me it's easy, it's always my husband, to somebody else it could be their kids, or a vacation they're saving for -- but I still ask this from time to time even though I know the answer is always the same. But if that reason is missing, everything just becomes pointless, and it's really difficult to carry on. I know it's difficult to befriend people, and it's rare to hit it off immediately, and even rarer for the friendship to become meaningful, but on the other hand, internet allows us to connect with more likeminded people pretty easily. College/Uni is also a good place for making new friends 'cause freshmen are often kinda lost anyway, and it's better to be lost together than alone.
I've always maintained that the friends you have when you are of college age (if not actually at college) are the ones who will be the most in tune with you, and will probably become your best friends for life. Of course there are exceptions, but that's a period of your life when there tend to be SO many options, so many people, none of whom are really settled yet either. You're all thrown together in groups who share your interests, etc. At college you take the classes in your favourite subject areas, rather than all classes in all subjects, like at high school. This means the people you see in class every day will be people who share some of your interests. Colleges and universities are huge conglomerates of people, and there are lots of new folk crossing your path, both inside and outside the classroom. It's a big pool, and is bound to contain people you can easily bond with. You will gravitate towards people who share your outlook, and people whom you just 'click' with. When you're still at home with parents, in a local grade school and high school—and afterwards, too, once you've set up a family of your own and have a settled job—your friends will be people you live near to, interact with on a daily basis, etc. School mates, work colleagues, neighbours, etc. Some of these people will become great friends, but the pool of choice is smaller. The wide choice of people you have when you're in your early twenties, at college or just starting out on your own makes for a unique period in your life. Now is the best time to connect with people who share your real self, and who will become your best friends for life. You're old enough to have left peer-group pressure stuff behind, and can make choices that are best for you personally, rather than what will make you 'popular' with the establishment, so your choices will be truer ones. Of course the downside is your new friends will eventually move away as life takes over, or you will move away from them. In this world, it's a lucky person who gets to have their best friend with them on a frequent basis—unless they happen to be a married couple. But the connections you make in early adulthood tend to be the real ones, and they'll survive both time and distance. At least that's been my experience. And I've had a lot of time and distance to play with!
Hi, Aled! It's good to see you. How's Recovery coming? How's life treatin' you aside from that--if you don't mind me asking? Thanks for the suggestion. It actually sounds like a lot of fun. My "grandpa" goes out riding sometimes. It seems like just the kind of thrill I might enjoy (as I'm getting to be craz enough to do it. I take it you ride? I've actually had a small fear of horses for half of my life. I think I'm getting over it now (if I haven't already... haven't been around one in a while) so maybe horseback riding would b a fun new experience. Going out with a living creature, connecting with it, learning to appreciate it... It's worth a shot... and maybe one day I can even go swimming with dolphins somewhere. I here it's awesome, but I am hugely afraid of being in the water with such a large and powerful animal. Thank you! I'm so glad you think so. I honestly just think everyone deserves some acknowledgement. They took the time to respond, so that's the least I could do. Besides, it keeps the discussions open, creating more opportunities for growth. Communication brings us together, you know. And you're right, maybe I just haven't given myself time to start building a new life. I mean I have a prime opportunity to meet new people, see new things, live a little differently, and be whoever I want to be. Things just take time... I am writing, it's been a bit slower because I'e been trying to get in more reading. I've had a stack of books waiting for me to finish them (books on writing and editing, both fiction and prof./technical). I did write a little more to the scene I posted in the work shop, but not much. I have lot's of interests. Hey, @ChickenFreak, I'd love to read your blog. Would you PM me the link? And none of that sounds very New Agey to me, ha ha. Must be different definitions. At any rate, it seems soundly medical. Your advice seems sound too. Maybe what I'm missing is a solid work out I used to work out daily. I was a buff guy once. but then I stopped hittin the weights... now, many of my clothes are a little too big. Lifting might help me get excited about something.. I've just ha trouble finding my reason to lift again. Back then, my workouts were to become a discus champion.. now that I've done that and moved on, idk anymore I've always wanted to play the electric guitar! Maybe I'll invest in one in the future and have one of my friends teach me. Right, I new you were between 23 and 25. I know you said travel; that's why I mentioned it too. Pleasure was just what stuck out to me most,(a part of me has a thing for alliteration). You're right it's not as easy for us to go abroad, but a part of that is due to the fact that we have so much here. I'm starting to think I, and many others, have been taking the US for granted regarding places to travel and things to see. I'm more of a nature guy than history--oooh the bad grammar--and we have a lot of that. I have to pull out a map whenever I read a classic with a strong historical/geographic location, as most places, I have never been to. One of my biggest goals, and maybe I can do it when I re enroll, is to study abroad in France, since I'm minoring in it. And OK, I'll take your word for it and keep asking. Well thanks. People keep saying it, so it must be true. ha ha! I'm kidding. Anyway, you may very well be onto something. I can't really say a sig. other. isn't missing, or sex in general. They've just not been at the forefront of my brain. Each seem to bring a certain level of responsibility that Idk if I'm prepared to take on. And come on, we all know ice cream is amazing. Meat, on the other hand, I could use a little less of in my diet. :/ I had more fruits and veggies back at ASU, but my family's meals are primarily meat based. This is a fair point. Sex and relationships are not always related some people have casual sex, some have less-casual sex. Some people have strong relationships with or without sex... I don't think it would act as any lasting solution, at any rate... I totally believe that people should find fulfillment in themselves, not others. They should be so comfortable and in love with themselves that they desire to appreciate and love the partner, not possess them. but that's another topic. You know... my generation is taught to plan long term and to have back up plans and so on. we aren't trained for when plans change unexpectedly, or when perspective changes. So I had a vision and have een trying to stick to it rigidly, allowing for some flexibility, but trying to hit the same major points. My plan is to transfer back to CA for school, so anything over a year just seemed superfluous or unnecessary. Never once did I suspect that I could or would want to just stay out here. Not sure if I want to yet, but that's another thing. As for how I ended up in CO, my mom and sisters moved here in January, while I was still in school. With no easy way to go the other direction, we decided it'd be best for us all if I went to CO at least for a while. I had never planned on staying, but now, idk... it'll come down to residency for tuition purposes. You're right though, I guess I need to open my self up to this part of the country a little more. I think part of the reason I'm so attached to Cali is that I had unfinished business there. I was supposed to go back; my family through me a curve... Never got to say a proper good bye, make good on previous plans and promises, gather last possessions or enjoy my last summer on a beach. I think this is reall good advice, mixed with some interesting personal story. Regrets are never good. We must let go of old baggage and live in "the now," as some call it. Now is the only moment that exists and we must live it fully, passionately, expectantly, and joyfully. Ha ha, very funny. Congratulations and good luck going forward! Remember this, if anything: You are not a victim of circumstance, but a creator of destiny. Whoever you want to be, you can be. Whatever you want to do, you can do, if you can summon the love to accept and appreciate yourself, summon the will to know and overcome yourself, and summon the courage to broadcast yourself. Changing the word is hard on one level, changing yourself in te world is hard on another, and becomes easier with time. Next, I ask that you remember: you are perfect as you are. Though you may not be where you want to be or have the "image" (not just physical) that you want, there is nothing wrong with you and nothing you are incapable of. We are natural-born creators and lovers of life, if only we can remember who we are. You must learn to relax and let go. It sounds like your issue is with control. We cannot control everything, nor should we feel the need to, lest we become controlled by that very need. The desire for perfection, particularly in work and academics, is one that will inevitably lead to stress and anxiety, if you see perfection as 100%. Instead, strive for excellence in everything and you cannot fail. It is not a step down, but rather a step in the realm of possibility. You expect too much from yourself. You must allow yourself to be free. It is never a bad thing to have a hobby that helps one to "cope," that is, so long as "coping" is true to it's meaning and one is actually trying to face and deal with his or her situation. Writing can be therapeutic in many ways, as can exercising and many other things. They can become meditations, having similar effects on the soul, providing release. The only way to get through the situation, though is to acknowledge it, and give it the attention it's asking for, even if it's scary. It's like doing all the homework, chores, and others stuff to avoid studying for a test you know nothing about and wish you could just skip over... look inside yourself, search your feelings, and trust them. Your intuition will guide you through the rough waters if you let it. That's very observant of you. As teenagers, not only do we notoriously fel like we have the world figured out, but we think we can make a big splash, or at least carve out our own names, no problem. We think we're invincible at times. But as time wheres on, reality sets in and those feelings fade I've already dealt with that. It wasn't so much my long term future for which I worried, as I am moving toward my goals and the chess pieces are slowly lining up (doesn't look like it now, but I'm winning this game "against" life/circumstance, taking y losses, learning, and recovering along the way). Rather it's the immediate that seems to be getting at me. I want to be doing things right now. I've felt like time is wasting and if I don't make a new move soon, I'll be stuck in a lifetime of wasted time. I see members here who;ve been around the world, done various jobs, and have had their share of silly, fun adventures. But me and my peers, are lives aren't set up for that necessarily. The paths we're on are rather one note: school, college, career, family, retire... the basic model... but what good is any of that. It's a cookie-cutter life laid out well before I understood myself... Likewise, I've felt like the passion, the things and people that make me excited about life, just aren't there right now... Interesting... the thing that comes to mind, though, is not how to claim these desires, but to let go... of what I'm not sure, but a little more meditation may help clear some of that up. Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm in the same boat, generally speaking. I was very popular throughout the school. I had friends and admirers all over the place so that even people I'd never met new me. I had a reputation. I had a lot of friends, some closer than others, as you can see from one of the pictures I posted above. But I never quite made the inner circle to be totally myself (at the time, I doubt I knew myself well enough to open that much of me up anyway). Perhaps it is time to make some new friend (perhaps not to replace the old, but to add change...or stimulus for further change?). I'm also a weirdo who made it through high school without having a relationship. I tried a little bit toward my senior year (which was the first major catalyst for my transformation), but that proved fruitless. Now I've gone through 2 years of college and 3 months in CO, and still nothing. Part of it has to do with it never seming like the right time. I too was an academic perfectionist for a while...until I failed at that and decided to strive for excellence. Anyway, I never put myself out there 1. because I was shy, and 2. because relationships take time and energy that I wanted to devote toward my goals. It's not easy to be in a relationship because it comes with responsibility to the other person, something I'm not used to as one who's been a lone wolf in a lot of ways. It has also been a matter of not wanting to commit to anything that wouldn't last... I think too long term. It's drilled in me. I'm learning, partly through this conversation, that I need to spend more time in the present... something I thought I knew... haha. Well nothing wrong with learning. *jots that down* Thanks for the encouragement and advice. I've had big life goals, but nothing pertaining to happiness or ambition or fun or just me as a person. I've mentioned that I've been lacking in motivation, perhaps because I have no goal. I guess I'll need to find what excites me. for so long I dreamed of being the league discus champion in my high school, but now--2 years after achieving that--I've not found what else really excites me. I've been getting progressively excited about my new writing project, but allotting the time to work on it and meet other responsibilities is hard. Still, everything I've done has been business related. I'll try to find things that I love and let them guide me to a new motivation and new passions. [/QUOTE]
What's funny is that sometimes you never know what's missing until you find it. I don't know if a relationship would fill the void. I think companionship of some sort would help tremendously, especially if there is openness and intimacy (not necessarily sexual, just closeness and connectedness). I have wondered, "what is the point of what we're doing?" we just get caught in the cycle. We choose a place to live because we like it, so we start looking for work so we can live there. Next thing we know we try to choose jobs based on where we live or otherwise adjust our living so that we can be positioned for the jobs we want. Sooner or later we realize we're working to live somewhere, and living there so we can get to the job so we can continue living there... Most jobs take a lot of time and energy, and before we know it, weeks, moths, years have passed and we haven't really started living. Coming off of 2 yrs of college, I realize that the time has really flown, and I haven't done much with it. I'm realizing, though, that the path I'e been on doesn't warranrt that opportunities will arise... I have to stray a little bit to find things that interest me. At this point it's like, why are we living? are we really living? We aren't taking care of our planet nor loving the animals. We have built societies wherein everyone is a stranger and nobody's a friend. We go to work, we go home, we eat our junk food and watch our sports, but do we allow ourselves to be more than the system we've set up? Do we allow ourselves to be true people and not just poster children for the American ideal? and so on... Yes, making new friends is hard, esp. for a natural introvert. I'm trying though. What's strange is that many of the people my age, out here at least, are trying to be married, start families, and start home-building... so you have girls looking for boys to protect and provide for them and boys looking for girls to be wifey... in all that you get married friend syndrome where no one does anything but married people things (which aren't bad), but people here tend to forget how to live for themselves or do things besides sit at home. That's not everyone though. I'll try opening myself up more, going to more places. The next obstacle would be identifying with people. I've always had a hard time fitting in because I have never entirely related to my crowd... The internet is great because all we have to go by are thoughts and conversation, allowing us to get to know people on a mental plane, but it's nice to have a physical presence around. I'm pretty sure we were at Huntington Beach, that day. I had a lot of fun too. Went jogging early on, went for a swim, played football and ultimate Frisbee in the sand, did some reading, and some light reading, dug a six-foot-deep hole in the ground... Thanks for the insight. I will make a point of being more friendly and building connections. I'm naturally shy and cautious about people, but maybe I can actually do something different and take advantage of this period. It's just that everyone is so busy these days, rushing around here and there, hardly slowing down even for a cup of coffee... I'll admit I miss my best friend. It's been a while since he and I have hung out in person and talked or seen a movie or gone anywhere. We were waiting on this summer, but things have changed, so I'm making a point to go to CA for the winter (if I can get the time off... Walmart may work me hard for the holidays... I miss the school schedule already, so much time off! lol) We talk via phone and text, and I've built a stronger connection to a couple of other friends, so that helps. I do feel sad that one of my other close friends and I are growing apart. It makes sense due to us growing up and living in separate states and her having a boyfriend with jealousy issues... it's kinda sad how time passes. Even so, gotta remain vigilant for new opportunities at every turn.
Well, Andre -- you're the one who has to decide what to do. But I'll tell you what I would tell my son. If he expressed that he was not happy where he was living, and especially if there was someplace where he indicated he wished he was, and would be going to someday, I would tell him to go now. There will never be an easier time than when you are in your early twenties to just pick up and move. If you really are missing L.A., and have some friends there, then you should go, as soon as possible. If you can, try to enroll in a school there starting in January. (Although you did give some indications that you didn't feel you had a lot of connections in L.A., so I have some mixed messages as to whether that's where you definitely want to be). Believe me, I know it's hard to make friends as an introvert -- I'm sure that most folks on this board can relate to that, since so many writers are introverts. That's why I love college environments -- everyone is really in the same boat. College is by far the EASIEST time to get involved or try out certain groups and to meet people who are very open to new people and relationships. I hate to be alarmist, and I don't want to add to the pressure, but if you want to take maximum advantage of that college environment, you've got to get yourself there while you're still a typical college student age, and you're already halfway through it. I only say this because IF you think this is something you need and want, don't delay because you're scared, or because you want to wait until everything is perfect or settled, because that will never happen -- there will always be a reason not to do it. It will always be easier to just keep doing whatever you're doing now. Do a wide search as to a place that you think might be right for you. A city that has a lot of young people and several universities might be a great option (two that come to mind are Boston and Chicago). Or a college town, where everything is centered around the college (and the prices of things like rents, etc) are cheaper (Champaign-Urbana, IL, or Madison, WI, or State College, PA might be worthy of investigation. Or my husband's personal favorite, Ann Arbor, MI.)
You know, you'd make a good motivational speaker Agreed with you cent percent. That's part of my philosophy of life, or at least I'd like to think it is Self-hate is something I struggle with. Rogers might have something to say about that XD But yes. I have a hard time accepting myself. I guess I'm afraid that if I accept myself, I will never know if I'm "good enough". And that thought in itself is another problem! You're probably the hundredth person to tell me that, and that includes my own self I guess my need for control stems from my need to be "good enough", they're interlinked that is. And in general, it's not a bad thing, because it drives to keep pushing forward, never being lazy about what I want. But it's one thing to be passionate, and another to be obsessive. And I am struggling to hit the balance. True; by "coping mechanism", I meant a behaviour or pastime that takes your mind off the actual issue. While in brevity it's probably a good thing, and we all do it in one way or another, letting it take over one's life is of course a bad idea. I was kidding of course, writing for me is and has always been how I derive meaning from an otherwise stagnant life. Like you say later, I don't want to waste another minute of my life. I want to be somewhere in life, in the race of time, and yet, I feel I'm only going through the motions, achieving nothing exemplary. Writing reminds me that I am putting meaning into words, and while I'm not going to change the world by doing so, writing is one way to make sure I live beyond my lifespan--that time does not defeat me in at least one way. It doesn't take away my problems, but it gives me the strength to face them. Whichever pursuit you pick up, you must try to make it your strength, and from what you say I guess you're well-aware of that anyway Your second paragraph basically puts some of my biggest worries in words. I feel, my life would have no meaning if I was just another product of social mores, another person who went down the manufacturing line and came out. I want to live so that it jolts me, jolts everyone around me, leave an imperishable mark. (Yes, I have retained some of my grandeur. XD) But right now it seems so uneventful, almost pointless. Not in a suicidal way, but you know, I feel I need to be doing something that I'm not. Ah, friends. It's a touchy subject for me, because I have been quite put down by friends throughout my life. As a 4th grader, I became the outcast in my school; due to the strong gender lines children have at that age, my only friends were female and because of some stupid, stupid reason, they all boycotted me. Even my so-called BFFs (ah, peer pressure at its inception). There was some real mean bullying for almost a year, they'd call me names and push me in the sandbox (this may sound silly, but I was just 9, so yeah). The episode made me distrusting of people. My mom changed my school (for academic reasons) and my new school was even worse. It was a girls-only school, and the girls were mean b*tches (I don't mean to swear, but I don't think this can be toned down). This was because the school was highly competitive, so you either pushed ahead or got left behind. So in this hellhole, I started hanging out with the outcasts, and in doing so became the outcast myself. I guess I was a bit of rebel, because even though my mom tried to get me in with the "smart girls" crowd, I just couldn't stick. I don't know if I just hated the popular crowd or I hated talking about boys and movies and other creepy girly stuff (oh and screaming if one got a tiny cut XD). But I never got in with them. Yep, not a popular girl halfway through high school. I became the popular kid after Sophomore year of high school. High school is split into two qualifications here, like in the UK, so I took the chance and changed schools to a co-educational one. Those two years were probably the best years I have spent in academia till now. The school only had 20-some girls (against 400 boys), so there was little politics; we all just got along. And I made some very amazing friends there, we still hang out despite being in different universities. Granted, my distrust didn't get any better despite the great experience, because at one point my pet terrapins were eaten by a rat, and I was broken up about it. However, either my friends didn't get a cue or they just didn't care, and none of them tried to help me through the phase. Hence, while I didn't push them away, my belief strengthened that true friends don't exist. And now that I'm in college, I am officially the popular girl (being up for valedictorian and a officebearer in two societies does that) and I have quite a few "friends", but the ones that stick? No, not really. Partly because of my double-majors and also because I took two semesters off, I didn't get a chance to socialize as much. And as for the one friend I did make in a 3-year tenure, she turned out to be a complete...mind my French. And here I am. Afraid to commit. To friends, let alone some douchebag (no offense to you, of course). Coming here, at an online forum, is an attempt to make new friends--I should mention, I had made two very good friends online who lived in the US, and we frequently did video chat, and discussed our personal issues, but that plummeted because they started dating one another, and then they broke up. So yeah, this is a step forward, though not a very strong one. I'm sorry I rambled, I hope you didn't fall asleep XD I can't really comment here because my reasons for celibacy/lack of relationships are more value-based than yours; I come from a culture where no sex/relationships until marriage is totally normal, in fact a sign of honor. Granted, the social class I belong to is very much evolving to accept premarital involvement, if not sex, my values have not wavered. So, while it's rarely saddening that I've never ever had anything of the sort, it's by choice and I see nothing wrong in it (for me). For you, I leave this to the experts. XD Good luck spending time in the present, that's another thing I struggle with Also, thank you for the advice, this was supposed to help you but like I said, my nefarious plan was to hog all the advice for myself
