Something missing - Advice? Experience?

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by Andrae Smith, Aug 4, 2014.

  1. minstrel

    minstrel Leader of the Insquirrelgency Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2010
    Messages:
    10,742
    Likes Received:
    9,991
    Location:
    Near Sedro Woolley, Washington
    @Andrae Smith:

    Just out of curiosity, have you ever thought of giving acting a try? I mean, getting involved with a local (or university) theater group? You're a young, good-looking, athletic guy, and from what you've told us about your popularity, you have a lot of charisma. You could be a star in the making! :)

    I mention this because, from what you've said, you feel unfulfilled and you want to be doing something great now; you're afraid of getting locked into that cookie-cutter life. But you don't know exactly what it is you should be doing at the moment - my guess is that Wal-Mart isn't it.

    Acting would give you a chance to try on various lives, lifestyles, environments, situations, etc. Playing different characters might help you see what's unique about people who superficially seem the same. It might help you see from the inside what kinds of characters succeed and what kinds fail and maybe, ultimately, what kinds you are attracted to, what kinds repel you, and what kinds you would like to emulate. Being in theater would also get you involved with a lot of other young, creative people striving to accomplish something cool and worthwhile artistically, and that can only be a great growth experience.

    Just a thought, but maybe one worth considering. :)
     
    Lemex likes this.
  2. T.Trian

    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2013
    Messages:
    2,253
    Likes Received:
    1,470
    Location:
    Mushroom Land
    @Andrae Smith, just a few thoughts about the void and filling it: I truly believe our purpose in this life is to give and receive love. I'm not talking about sex; it could be the love of parent and child, for instance, but I remember all too well the empty void I felt before I found @KaTrian. Whenever I was single, well, sure, I had a good time and did lots of crazy stuff I don't even regret, but at the end of the day, when I lay in bed, I could always feel there was something missing and I knew that something was love. It's just a tricky thing; I've literally never found love by looking for it. It's always been when I finally give up and stop trying that it sneaks on me and catches me totally by surprise. Like when I met Kat, I was set on keeping emotions out of the whole thing, that it would be just some fun between two adults, but the first time I laid my eyes on her, deep down inside I knew I was a goner. I fought it and denied the feelings to protect myself (I hate getting my heart broken just as much as the next dumbass even though it has more times than I can count because of my headstrong will to find true love... and always looking from the wrong places :D), but after a couple of weeks, it just started feeling stupid to deny those feelings. Lo and behold, the void was gone. Sure, it's scary 'cause when you open your armor to another person, you give them the perfect chance to pierce your heart, but if they don't, if they feel the same and open their armor, it's the greatest thing in the world. I swear, nothing gives purpose for your life like real love, when two people care about each other more than about themselves.

    That's my 0,02€ and definitely not The Way, just a way. :cool:
     
  3. Lemex

    Lemex That's Lord Lemex to you. Contributor

    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2007
    Messages:
    10,704
    Likes Received:
    3,425
    Location:
    Northeast England
    @T_Trian: Awesome story! :)
     
  4. thirdwind

    thirdwind Member Contest Administrator Reviewer Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2008
    Messages:
    7,851
    Likes Received:
    3,339
    Location:
    Boston
    Funny that acting was mentioned. Albert Camus discusses the absurdist crisis and acting in The Myth of Sisyphus. The actor is drawn to acting because it allows him to live lives that are not his own. He's constantly searching for meaning in new roles. The actor realizes that it's futile to find meaning in life by acting, but he does so anyway because the illusion makes him happy. So it's really just a game of pretending over and over again. At the very end of the essay, Camus discusses Sisyphus, who has to roll a rock up a hill only to have it roll down again right before he gets to the very top. He is condemned to do this for eternity as punishment. This may seem like a cruel existence, but I would argue that there's an important lesson here. For a brief moment, when the rock is rolling down the hill, Sisyphus is free from his punishment. Life unfolds before him (i.e., the rock rolls down the hill), and he's merely a spectator. In essence, he goes where life takes him without overthinking things. You see a lot of this in Zen philosophy, which I won't get into here in the interest of time.

    Also, since I know you like spiritual things, I highly recommend checking out the Yoga Vasistha. I don't normally recommend (or even read) spiritual texts, but this one is absolutely amazing. It'll change the way you think about life. Check out the reviews on Amazon, and judge for yourself.
     
    Lemex likes this.
  5. 123456789

    123456789 Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2012
    Messages:
    8,102
    Likes Received:
    4,605
    @Andrae Smith

    Why am I not surprised that in a thread entitled "something missing," California would come up?

    It's the best place to be in the U.S that I know of. When I have to leave, I too will feel like something is missing!
     
  6. Andrae Smith

    Andrae Smith Bestselling Author|Editor|Writing Coach Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    2,640
    Likes Received:
    1,668
    Location:
    Washington State, U.S.A.
    Miss Liz... thank you! there is nothing like a mother's advice. I think you're absolutely right--not that your solution is undoubtedly best for me right now, but the spirit is there and you've been very considerate of things I've said, not just today but over time. I can't help but appreciate that.

    I am the who has to decide, and in fact, I already have, in retrospect. It wasn't necessarily a mandatory move to CO--close, due to circumstance, but I still hold that I made a choice. You see. I could have gone to CA to live with my Aunt and Great-grandma (where I was living before, only without my aunt), but things had a good chance of being more difficult because my aunt, who just moved in, decided to ask for rent, I already new the city was bankrupt and jobs were scarce, my car out there is broken so I'd have no transportation, and the city isn't the safest for walking cycling and stuff. Also, Colorado offered something new and adventurous.

    I was mainly sad at the way things worked out because I didn't even get to visit and tie up loose ends. I had promised my dad I'd be back in summer and I'd go to church with him some time to see him actually play, maybe record it if he could get a camera. I was supposed to be at this years summer beach trips with my friends (who missed me at the spring one)... I was also supposed to do some private discus coaching over the summer, which I was really looking forward to.

    Alas, I don't think I've given CO enough time or energy. There are things to do here, I just haven't been looking. All of your responses (and those of everyone else) have motivated me to take a more active approach to life. I was slipping back into passivity. You have my thanks! I'll be sure to let you know how things go. I have a job now, and I'm learning new skills in cashiering like customer service and speaking comfortably. It's refreshing. And my fay check comes next week. $$ will give me the chance to get out a little more (ya know, pa for gas, pay for things, etc.) :)

    You know, @minstrel, you make a good case. I had one theatre class back in 7th grade and I had a little fun. Back then, though, I was a different person, more reserved, more predictable and rigid in character. I was also very shy, and self-conscious.

    What funny is that, people have suggest acting or modeling a few times before and I never took them seriously, never thought I had it in me. My sister on the other hand, loves it. She actually enrolled in acting and modeling classes at Barbizon school in LA before we moved to CO. She had a few call backs for some decent positions to. Now she is pursuing modeling and says either of them might be something I would like now even if I just took a theatre class at the uni.

    You make a convincing case. I'll give it some thought. To be honest, I gained popularity through image and kindness moreso than charisma. Although, no I am more charismatic, and unpredictable (to myself) so I'll give it some thought. :agreed:

    Not sure if you're referring just to romantic love or love in general. If the latter, I can't help but agree. I believe it is important to make ourselves open receivers transmitters of Love. Love is something that is always there, in us and around us, but it is when we share it that we truly experience a special spark or flame or whatever you want to call it.

    Love has so many forms, I can't even express how important it is to engage even in simple selfless acts. This is probably where we differ, though, as I don't see love as just an emotion, but something much grander that can trigger an emotional and chemical response. And we give and receive it in many different ways.

    At any rate that is an awesome story, very endearing. :) I'm sure you just won some bonus points with the Misses, too. ;)

    I do believe one of my purposes is to help people. So even when I'm confused about something, sometimes the act of trying to help someone brings a certain clarity, especially if I get to write my response. Try to hold onto that optimistic view.

    That's understandable, to a degree. I wonder, though, what you mean by "good enough"--that is, good enough to whom? to yourself? to your family? the world at large?

    When I say accept yourself, I don't mean give up on trying to be better but rather appreciating the woman you are at this moment even if you want to be someone else. You are the best you that you can be right now, and you are exactly who you need to be at this moment. I'm not just saying it, but it's true (in my world view, at least) that you are someone a little different with each moment and in each one you are the best you can be for the time and you should appreciate who you are.

    To do this, you must look within yourself and find your likes and dislikes, your habits, your dreams and desires, your quirks, the things about yourself that you like and dislike, all of your abilities and shortcomings, and basically everything that makes you who you are, and think about them. Meditate on them allow yourself to go into the phase of judgement, guilt, doubt, etc (i.e. where you decide what's good or bad about yourself). BUT DON'T STAY THERE! Once you do that, dump all of those judgments. Dump them and accept that you are who you are right now. This is not the same as saying "this is what it is, and I can't change it," but rather, "this is what it is, right now, and I understand that. I still have the power to be anything or anyone, but this is me right now and it's okay, no matter what other's say, no matter how I feel." Then you can come to a place of appreciation of self, and this appreciation is a sign of self-love, which is good.

    It's easier said than done, yes, and it takes time. You don't have to do it all at once. But over time, find those things I mentioned above and go through the process until you realize there is nothing wrong with you. You're human, which means you're learning and growing with every passing second. It's partof the experience. If you can get that, you're golden. Remember: no one else knows you like you; therefore, you are the only one who can provide any validation or judgement. And chances are you may not know yourself as well as you could. (that is no insult or affront, it comes from the old saying Know thyself and ye shall know the gods.)

    Sorry to ramble on with my New Age, meditate and spread love mumbo. It's just my worldview and I hope that you can take something away from it. :)

    Balance is hard... One thing I've learned is to recognize that I have the right to be in control of certain things, but not a need. I have a right to choose the experiences I have and the goals I try to reach, but I don't need to be. I also had to let go of my need to control outcome. This is partially due to my time in engineering classes. There is always a percent error, we cannot control that. Simply by observing a system we change it slightly. But we can get close enough for practical purposes.

    What I also had to accept was that things happen. Sometimes things just happen. We want one thing, and the universe brings another. It isn't coincidence, but it's not always logical in that it should have happened the way we predict or expect or desire. Other people have an impact on our lives even if we don't know it. We're all connected in more ways than one.

    Take my extreme example: The man has a bad sleep and yells at the woman in the morning. The woman, feeling bitter and distraught yells at the daughter over her choice of clothes. The daughter goes to school and feels self-conscious about everything, causing her to reject the boy who'd been waiting for just the right day to compliment her. The boy then goes to soccer practice distracted and gets hit in the face with the ball. Whose fault is it that the boy now has a black eye? Would he guess it had something to do with the girls father waking up on the wrong side of the bed? :rolleyes:

    I got your meaning. What I was getting at is that it's not always good to put the situation out of mind. I'm of the mindset that problems should not be avoided, but meditated on and/or acted on until one finds peace or a solution or both. Putting it out of mind is the best solution sometimes. Don't get me wrong. :agreed:
    In fact, there are man problems that require us to simply be patient and ignore them. Whatever works for you is fine, but I always advise that one tries not to run from problems (not that you are running).

    Writing is something I truly love because it is something that grants me not one eternal life, but many short ones. They say a reader lives a thousand lives; I say a writer lives a thousand more. It fosters creativity, and allows one to travel, even when travel isn't an option.

    There is nothing wrong with retaining that grandeur, that desire to be great and make a big splash. If that is what you want, then you go for it! I thought I wanted that. Now I just want to be remembered, if not by name, than by impact. The soul lives forever. I may have another life after this one. I don't know. Being great, is less important to me than doing great things or rather doing things that are great to some people. Most importantly, I'm going to be me, whoever I transform into at any point in time. And I trust that my imprint will be good and lasting enough so long as I am true to myself, to my heart.

    But that's rambling again (get to know me and you'll see I'm long-winded). In the end, I totally get what you're saying but I think, that--from these answers-- we won't know until we find something that fits. You see, I don't believe there are always explicit right and wrong choices, but rather we make our choices right or wrong by what we do next, i.e. how we continue forward. Some choices may prove better than others depending on one's relative goals, but otherwise, things simple are what they are. :whistle:


    Coincidentally, I did fall asleep... but only because I woke up at an obnoxious time to write my last response ha ha! Anyway, this made me very sad to read... I hope you can trust people again in time. I've heard from my sister that girls can be pretty mean to one another. Guys can also be pretty base, and simple. Not all, but I've been surprised too many times by guys who fall into stereotypes... :wtf:

    At any rate, fear of commitment is not uncommon. It usually comes from bad experiences with people. However, I also believe that it can come from these people making one like yourself, feel less secure about who she is. Why commit to someone who will make you feel less than you deserve or might not fulfill your needs or could turn around and leave. Relationships of all kinds take risks. We have to make ourselves vulnerable to get the most from them. But that, I understand, is very difficult, especially when you've been let down by people in the past.

    I'm sure you'll find someone worth opening up to in time. Likewise, I'm sure you'll find someone, a friend, a partner, someone, with whom you can relate and identify. You'll be able to be yourself and they won't judge you for it.


    Let me back up some, I didn't represent myself well. My initial upbringing in Christianity doesn't approve of premarital sex. It also puts me in the mindset that dating and relationships are all about finding "the one." It's very restrictive and long term. Personally I'm still on he fence about premarital sex, on the grounds that is comes with a handful of risks. However, I still see sex as something of a sacred and intimate expression of love. For some it is casual, physical pleasure, and to an extent they're right, imo, but I believe there is more to it, even in the spiritual plane.

    As for romantic relationships, I'm not where the moral line is crossed between friendship and relationship (before intimate acts). If you could share some of your beliefs with me I'd be most appreciative. I think it's good to understand how other people see things in the world. Helps to keep an open mind.

    All in all, I'm glad I was able to help in a couple of ways. I originally wasn't going to post this thread, but I had a feeling it would be good to more than just me.
     
  7. Andrae Smith

    Andrae Smith Bestselling Author|Editor|Writing Coach Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    2,640
    Likes Received:
    1,668
    Location:
    Washington State, U.S.A.
    Hmmm this is very interesting, @thirdwind. One of the things I considered that might be missing is the constant presence of engaging fiction. Like I said, I read, but it's been a while since I was last engrossed by a fantasy, sci-fi, or adventure series. Or some good stories set beyond the confines of reality. Those are what got me reading in the first place, the y brought some magic and wonder to my life, even if only through illusion or pretend.

    As for Sisyphus, I like your take on it. I still think he has a cruel fate, but I guess it isn't without reward. That is a very Zen take on it, but I'd like to know more about it. And thanks for the reference. I'll check that book out! :)

    You got that right! So. Cal born and raised. California is my home and it's just awesome. As far as it being the best, that all depends on who is measuring and how. If you can afford it, and you like what the different areas have to offer, then yes it is. I sure do. I won't rank it yet, but I know it's my favorite place to be, I'm not sure about this land-locked thing. Still I'm open to give other state a change to change my mind.
     
  8. T.Trian

    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2013
    Messages:
    2,253
    Likes Received:
    1,470
    Location:
    Mushroom Land
    Don't know about the bonus points; she's heard it all before and more than once. :D

    I'd like to clarify one thing though; to me, love is everything, definitely not just an emotion. I believe love is God and God is love. It's the only thing that makes my life worth living. Without it, yeah, a person can have fun etc. but at least I never felt "complete" without it. And no, it doesn't have to be romantic love (although, being a hopeless romantic, it's my Holy Grail, but that's just how I am as an individual and that shouldn't and doesn't reflect any preference when it comes to others and how they view love), it could be almost anything as long as it's pure and based on a healthy relationship between two or more individuals (e.g. a "romantic" relationship between a 40yo man and a 12yo girl definitely doesn't count as "pure and healthy").
     
    Andrae Smith likes this.
  9. Charisma

    Charisma Transposon Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2007
    Messages:
    2,704
    Likes Received:
    142
    Location:
    Lahore, Pakistan
    Same here; sometimes, when I feel down or not up to mark, helping someone else can at least put me at ease. Because I think, hey, since I would love an act of kindness right about now, why not give it to someone else? It reminds me that I'm still human, that my conscience is still there. I'm not gone. :D Creepy, I know, but it helps latch back on to my self-concept.

    Good enough...I guess good enough to match up to my value system, and as I am a perfectionist, I mean a 100% corroboration. And since my value-system is very close to yours (you know, seven deadly sins, the ten commandments, very much in line with Islam) I guess you could relate. Of course, the value system is not attainable, because if it were, God wouldn't have the system of repentance and forgiveness. Yet, it seems to weigh down on me, when it should help me trudge forward. I guess it's explained by Horney's Tyranny of Shoulds: when we see our ideal self-image and current self-image are incongruent, such that the ideal self-image is highly unattainable and made up of shoulds and musts (I should never tell lies; I must be thin), it leads to low self-esteem and maladaptive behaviour. Tbh, I still don't know how I'd push forward without falling into this scheme of thinking, but I guess I have to try and figure it out.

    Hehe, it's alright :) I've studied this a lot in Counseling Psychology, and some of my other Psychology courses. So it's not just spread love mumbo jumbo, it's research supported by evidence :) I did find this interesting: "no one else knows you like you; therefore, you are the only one who can provide any validation or judgement." In collectivist cultures, the self is thrown into the background and one identifies oneself according to one's social standing and other people's opinions of them. That's, of course, at odds with this idea, which is why I guess it's a bit difficult for me to "love" myself or "accept" myself, because my identity is rooted in my relationships, not my own personality--the center is not me, but everyone else. However, because of a very hardcore exposure to Western culture, I'm not a complete collectivist, and hang somewhere in between. And that's why, I find it hard to identify myself in anyway. That's just my theory, of course, and I could be very well wrong. But some of the points which make perfect sense in an individualist society, come off as "selfish" and "self-obsessed" to someone from my background. And yet, I am not able to fit into a collectivist mindset either XD Yayness.

    Haha, nice storytelling. :D Yes, that's true. Human error in measurement is the biggest proof in itself that we are fallible and one cannot always be stellar. In my belief system, everything happens for the best and is permitted by God to happen, if not desired. That means that even the bad things that happen to me culminate to serve a better purpose. For instance, if I failed my Math exam because I had a fever, maybe the incident will teach me patience, or perhaps God sent me a smaller adversity in lieu of something much worse. :)

    Which reminds me of a real-life incident--I was appearing in my Sophomore finals (these are pretty big here, as we only have finals after Sophomore and Senior years in high school, and one's admission into university is contingent on those for the most part) and I took tuition to help me prepare. Physics was, and still is, the bane of my existence, so I had to work on it extra just to make the cut. I borrowed some notes from a girl who came to tuition, but being careless I never returned them, and eventually the finals started. The first final was that of Physics (there were in total 3 Physics exam, this was a written Practical exam), and what do you know, I forgot my calculator (!). We weren't allowed to borrow, or anything, so I had to do all calculations by hand, even the square roots, and though I was able to somewhat solve the exam, I was just too baffled to be sure. That's when I remembered: I still had that girl's notebook, who was also appearing in these exams! I got in touch with her and made sure I returned her notebook. Thankfully, I got an A in Physics anyway. :)

    Long story short, depending on one's beliefs or life philosophy, this could be a coincidence, my utter stupidity and/or intelligence, a Divine punishment, a Divine test, or even an opportunity from God. Would've sucked if I screwed up the second Physics exam, which was worth 70% of my grade!

    I don't know if you believe in that sort of thing, but yeah, I do believe in the aforementioned notions (though my faith is quite fickle) and it helps me stay positive even when things seem bleak.

    Oh, of course. Escapism is hardly the answer, one should take life's issues head on! Nothing is unsolvable unless you say so. Except when there is no solution, in which case you let it pass.

    True. It let's me live thousands of times as different people, in different worlds, with different lives. It's a remarkable hobby, even though I'm not exactly great at it :p

    Hehe, I don't mean great like being on the next Times issue, but yeah, leaving an impact. Even if people don't know who did it, I want to know I did something that, I don't know, alleviated economy breakdown, even changed the lives of five orphans. But something that lives on, preferably big, but as long as it helped someone give life to their dreams, it's great and it matters.

    Hmm, choices. I believe whatever choice one makes, one has to stick to it, and if one simply cannot, one must find a solution to it. It makes no sense to be frustrated by choices that have been made by one's own will, so it's best to go one of the two ways instead of hanging in between and never really owning up to them.

    Haha, girls can be really mean, true. Perhaps not like those chick flicks, they're a bit ludicrous, but yeah :p And at times the wounds run deep. Nonetheless, I won't give up, because if I do I will for certain be a lonely cat lady XD So yes. I'll give chances, but of course, not as willingly as I used to. I hope I meet someone--friend or whatever--who'll be willing to pull down the walls (oh yeah, like in the movies, minus the cheesy music and corny dialogues), and I could reciprocate by being open-minded.

    Ah, I see. Well, in Islam the situation is quite similar, though further over to the side of restriction. Perhaps you'd find it orthodox and even implausible, but in spite of that I hope you'd find something good about it too. Islam dictates segregation of the sexes--almost like a separate social circle for men and women, with their own lives--and that means there's really no room for what we see as "platonic" relationships in it. Interactions between men and women are intended to be need-based, not as a means of socializing with one another, like how you'd work at the same place, even together, but you won't go out for lunch together.

    Like I said, that probably seems bizarre to you and that's OKAY, because even in my society it's not really that hard and fast. I don't have male friends, but I do chat with some of my male classmates, sometimes on random shizz, at times on more taboo topics (like sex or stuff) and other times, philosophical musings. Here I am, chatting with you :) And I'm the restrictive extreme, so I have chick friends who'd sit down in the lap of their guy friends and I personally witnessed a guy friend once tapping a chick friend's hip XD This is of course, the middle class, so it doesn't represent the entire culture (which is more restrictive), just my social circle.

    So yes; for someone like me, I'd say you cross the line when you start spending time with a person for no reason except to be with them. Of course, that's not relevant to most people in today's world, and I don't expect it to be. Still, there's my perspective for you :)

    You did! And you continue to. :) See, you're already making a difference :)
     
    Andrae Smith likes this.
  10. T.Trian

    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2013
    Messages:
    2,253
    Likes Received:
    1,470
    Location:
    Mushroom Land
    Thanks, it was just one of those moments when you know this is it. :cool:
     
  11. KaTrian

    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2013
    Messages:
    6,764
    Likes Received:
    5,393
    Location:
    Funland
    These are good questions, and sometimes it's difficult to go against the grain. To be honest, I kinda thought people in the US would be generally more open and friendlier than us Nordics. Here if you are chatty and friendly, people look at you weird and give a wide berth to you. Sometimes I get these moments of extrovertism... extrovertiness... extrovercy... well, whatever, that can really confuse other people. Most of the time I veer towards being an introvert, though. I like to keep to myself, read a book in the cafeteria -- not chat with co-workers, or sit in the back of the class -- not close to a group of strangers.

    Really? Was it different in Cali, then? I have to say, though, many of my old friends who've gotten married have turned into these, well, boring people. A lot of them must be happy, but they've also changed, regressed, stopped developing and learning, become somewhat stagnant, and we don't have a lot in common anymore. But I would've imagined your age group, like people in their late teens or at 20 would still want to, well, tear it up before starting a family and all that.

    I've noticed that of my old classmates, those who moved here to the capital city region are maturing more slowly while those who stayed in my old little hometown have started families and seriously settled down with their kids and mortgages and stuff.
     
    Andrae Smith likes this.
  12. 123456789

    123456789 Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2012
    Messages:
    8,102
    Likes Received:
    4,605
    That's funny. Someone told me when they went to Finland, everyone there was much friendlier than us Americans.

    I find that hard to believe, considering that Americans are pretty friendly. This of course depends where. Let's face it. Small town people suck BIG TIME. And that's a shame, because I love rural areas, but it's just the truth. Places that offer more opportunities for social interaction breed people who are more social. It makes pretty perfect sense.

    @Andrae Smith

    "At this point it's like, why are we living? are we really living? We aren't taking care of our planet nor loving the animals. We have built societies wherein everyone is a stranger and nobody's a friend. We go to work, we go home, we eat our junk food and watch our sports, but do we allow ourselves to be more than the system we've set up? Do we allow ourselves to be true people and not just poster children for the American ideal? and so on..."

    Yeah, it's terrible. The first thing you should do is don't do those things. I believe there are quality things in life (the beach, steak, the three letter word I compared to steak, literature) and then there are bad quality things in life (Facebook, Cheese doodles, How I met your Mother, Katie Perry). Bear in mind, I am not supporting hedonism. I believe that some things are healthier for the soul.

    This is probably conspiracy theory fancy, but I like to believe there is a small, elite group of people hogging all the nourishing things in the planet. Vacations to Indonesia. Classical concerts. Wagu beef. Everyone else gets coke or Pepsi. I like what I quoted from you, and it resonates. My advice to you is to find quality when you can, and even if you can't afford it, appreciate it. Also, money can't buy class.

    Let's end this with a quote from Nabokov (Pale Fire).

    "How much happier the wide-awake indolents, the monarchs among men, the rich
    monstrous brains deriving intense enjoyment and rapturous pangs from the balustrade
    of a terrace at nightfall, from the lights and the lake below, from the distant mountain
    shapes melting into the dark apricot of the afterglow, from the black conifers outlined
    against the pale ink of the zenith, and from the garnet and green flounces of the water
    along the silent, sad, forbidden shoreline. "
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2014
    Andrae Smith likes this.
  13. KaTrian

    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2013
    Messages:
    6,764
    Likes Received:
    5,393
    Location:
    Funland
    I haven't been to the US yet (hopefully next year!), but then again, yours is a big effing country. Regional differences could be bigger. My sister-in-law frequents a small town (Saxton River, I think it was) in Vermont due to her job, and she said the people there are very friendly and open. She also went to a Twin Peaks-y small town in Cali a couple of year ago and praised the friendliness of the locals.

    Foreigners have said Finns are friendly but slow to warm up. While a stereotype, I think there's a grain of truth in it. On the other hand, a Swiss friend of mine just visited Helsinki, and she actually said Finns are friendlier than Swedes. I'm not sure if it's because she's staying in the smallish town of Uppsala in Sweden while now she only visited our capital. But small-talk is still not really our thing, and often you garner weird looks if you try to do it. :p
     
    Andrae Smith likes this.
  14. Link the Writer

    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2009
    Messages:
    15,023
    Likes Received:
    9,676
    Location:
    Alabama, USA
    People down here in the South especially like small talk, even when you're waiting in line to check out. Even the folks up in the northern states think we're weird sometimes. :p That said, I think I relate to the Finns. I'm an introvert and am slow to warm up, but once I do, I'm pretty friendly. :D
     
    KaTrian likes this.
  15. Andrae Smith

    Andrae Smith Bestselling Author|Editor|Writing Coach Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    2,640
    Likes Received:
    1,668
    Location:
    Washington State, U.S.A.
    You know what, I couldn't agree more. God is love. Love is God. To my understanding, love is also energy, a frequency to which we can tune ourselves--by which I mean, by being kind, showing compassion, feeling sympathy, and expressing appreciation (among other things) we act in accordance with love. Love is an emotion, but it is also and emotional experience. Sorry I made assumptions. :)

    That's understandable. Sometimes I look at a person who expresses need--or a person in general--and I feel the need to give. Sometimes it's because they need something, other times it's simply because I know how good it would feel if someone expressed that they care. We're all human, and we're all in this together... well let me amend that, animals need our help too sometimes. We're all citizens of this planet though.

    Thanks for the clarification. Well you know what. I commend you for trying so hard to uphold and live up to your values. It's too easy to give up on them. I can't say I agree with such strenuous adherence to perfection (as in, to the point that it affects one's self esteem), but I respect your commitment.

    The only commitments I hold myself to are Excellence, Integrity, and Love, which are all interconnected anyway. I know I can't be perfect in this form, but I can do my best to be my best each and everyday. The goal is not perfection, but progress. I also know that I cannot always be right, but as long as I am honest and strive to be true to myself, my heart, and my word, I can't be wrong, only mistaken. Lastly, Love is the law of the land. If I surrender to love, it will entail so much more.

    I don't know how you should push forward, as we are all different, but my advice is to be true to yourself. Perhaps you could stop thinking in terms of judgement and think in terms of progress. Be the best you can at every moment and trust that God see's your heart. This is not to tell you what to do. The answers you seek are already within you, just listen to what God's whispered on your heart. ;)

    This part really interests me because you mention Western society. I find this philosophy to be more in line with Eastern thought. Granted, Western society grants a lot of focus on the individual...perhaps too much?... By which I mean there is an inherent self-centeredness to the way we live, particularly with the emphasis on consumerism. Everything is me and my and I, and we've forgotten what it means to be in communities and to come together... we've forgotten that we all are one.

    I personally believe that there must be a balance. We are, at our cores, the individuals we find when we center ourselves. It is a part of the human condition. However, Going deeper we do not exist apart from each other. Separation is an illusion... Put another way, we must, as a society, respect our own and each other's individuality, while as individuals, we must recognize and respect our communal, connected nature.

    In this life, we are not only what we project, but what other make of us... It's complicated and certainly not something that we all have to agree on. That is just my take so you can kind of feel out where I'm coming from.


    I agree that everything happens for the best. "All things work together for the good to them who love God," (Romans 8:28). Put another way, the universe brings us whatever experiences we need for our growth, and those who walk in love make the most of it. Regardless of the outcomes, or what we think should or should have happen(ed), everything is as it should be at this moment... or at least OK.

    That is quite the story. It must have been a lot of pressure fore you to do well. I'm glad to see that you did. Physics is certainly no cake-walk.;) No matter what it was, what matters is what you took away from it. I find that spiritual and life tests are less about proving the ability to do something, but proving the ability to learn something.

    Whoops. got a little carried away with my answer, there. I don't always say exactly what I mean. Sure you didn't mean that. I get you. :) I just meant that it's less important for me than actually affecting a life, even if I'm not exactly remembered. Most often you will be. memories live on in the hearts of those we touch with our own.

    I agree with this. This is a part of my integrity thing. I don't necessarily believe one must always follow through, but one should always own one's choices, and the consequences.

    It's a big world. Have patience. Have faith (a little trust and pixie dust, too?) Be open-minded. Anything can happen when you let a rose unfold. ;)

    Thanks for sharing. It's true, you are talking to me, but I'm just some guy from the internet, right. ;) I can't truly imagine a world in which men and women don't generally socialize. It's a privilege that I've grown up with--not to say it is inherently "better" than your system, only that I appreciate the openness I can have.

    Even so, I recognize there must be certain levels off diversity within your society, just as there is in mine. I can see how the things you've listed would be a problem for some. I'm not sure girls should be sitting in a guys lap unless they are together, but then, it depends on the surrounding circumstances. Talking about sex is one of those things that can open people up to it, if they are not careful, so I see that danger. But there are limits and exceptions to most everything, I presume.

    I'll have to admit that I disagree with where the line is crossed; however, that is no disrespect to you or your view, only a difference of opinion. My reason though is that spending time with a person just to be with them is one of the marks of true friendship, in my opinion. When you don't need something or aren't going to an event, but can just sit and enjoy the presence of another person, I believe you are doing something fundamentally human, something good for the spirit. We are communal beings and we've lost a lot of connectedness due to blindness and ignorance, I think it takes an open heart and a secure person to be able to enjoy another's company in a platonic way.

    Not everyone has to subscribe to that. Your view is every bit as valid as mine. :agreed:

    And great! I feel useful. Now I don't want to derail the thread too much but feel free to PM me if you would like to carry this on, or if you ever have something ou want to talk to me about. I'm always open if you need me (or at least I try to be).
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2014
    T.Trian likes this.
  16. thirdwind

    thirdwind Member Contest Administrator Reviewer Contributor

    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2008
    Messages:
    7,851
    Likes Received:
    3,339
    Location:
    Boston
    Andrae, I wouldn't be surprised if one day you become a Zen master. ;)
     
    Lemex, minstrel and Andrae Smith like this.
  17. Andrae Smith

    Andrae Smith Bestselling Author|Editor|Writing Coach Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    2,640
    Likes Received:
    1,668
    Location:
    Washington State, U.S.A.
    You know, @KaTrian, the U.S. is so big, it really depends on where you go. In my limited experience, people down south or in rural areas and small towns are friendlier. I'll make the distinction between friendly and social here. Small town people seem, at times, less open to new faces, because they know everyone already, and they are comfortable. Too much change can be upsetting. In general, they'll be friendly because they usually live in nice little communities. Rural folk are much the same, very friendly, usually open to conversation when it comes. People down south are a bit of both, depending on where you are. The city people tend to be more social because of more interaction with more people, but almost everyone is generally friendly. Go to LA, San Francisco, New York, or some other big city like that, and you'll find a lot of social but busy people. They'll generally share a few niceties, before being on their way...unless they're disgruntled.

    I can't really compare exactly. Most f my observation is from my friends in cali. So many people that my sister and I graduated with have joined the army, gotten pregnant, become engaged or some combination thereof. I can't say it is the majority of youths, today, but it is large enough percentage that I have seen. Out here in CO, I see a lot of 19-22 y/o couples with kids, or kids on the way. I don't really understand it.

    No doubt the majority of young people just want to live their lives and explore and have fun, but I've seen more than I thought I would who are simply trying to settle down. :/ Once they get married they do slow down a bit because it's as though they lose their ambitions to be anything else. They fall into the romeo and juliet syndrome, where they can't see their lives without the other person... But also, married life changes how you have to live: you've got responsibilities, you'll likely want to build a home, and so on. Me, I don't think I could consider marriage with someone who doesn't have an adventurous, ambitious soul, someone who wants growth and excitement in life, like me.

    For the sake of time (I have to get ready for work in a minute), it'll suffice to say that I totally agree. I really appreciate your points and advice. It's definitely a little mind-opening, even in it's simplicity. Thank you. I love the quote too!
     
  18. Andrae Smith

    Andrae Smith Bestselling Author|Editor|Writing Coach Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    2,640
    Likes Received:
    1,668
    Location:
    Washington State, U.S.A.
    Thanks. :) I'd be surprised, though. It was something I'd never envisioned, but then again, how many possibilities could I envision with only 2 years of life outside of high school? :rolleyes: Suffice it to say, we'll see what happens, as my journey has only begun.
     
  19. chicagoliz

    chicagoliz Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    May 30, 2012
    Messages:
    3,280
    Likes Received:
    817
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    I find this very interesting and kind of surprising. I also, though, find it concerning, and it kind of goes hand in hand with this relatively new phenomenon I've read about among folks in their 20s and early 30s of "starter marriages." I believe that these are defined as marriages lasting less than two years and having occurred in one's twenties. So there is this big pool of folks who are around 30 who are already divorced.

    Personally, I think having kids before 25 (really, 30) in today's society is a very, very bad idea. I think settling down before having really discovered yourself and getting yourself to a place where you can begin some kind of career or livelihood is a recipe for trouble. Sometimes people are lucky enough to find a partner at that age and they can grow together, and that's a wonderful thing. But that's not the most common result -- often what happens is that they grow apart.

    Just my thoughts on a tangent.
     
    KaTrian and Andrae Smith like this.
  20. Andrae Smith

    Andrae Smith Bestselling Author|Editor|Writing Coach Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    2,640
    Likes Received:
    1,668
    Location:
    Washington State, U.S.A.
    I have more to say, but for now, know that I totally agree. I might bump the child-bearing age down to 27 or 28, but it's all up to the people involved. My reasoning for that is because you have a bit more youth. But if your healthy and active in mind body and spirit, you should have no problem keeping up with kids for a lifetime. :p
     
  21. KaTrian

    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2013
    Messages:
    6,764
    Likes Received:
    5,393
    Location:
    Funland
    I was 21 when I got married. My mom always said "you'll regret everything else in life except marrying young." :D

    But we aren't a baby-house-mortgage-SUV family (yet), and our idea of fun isn't spending the entire Sunday scouring IKEA for exciting, new lampshades. We don't host brunches or do napkin-folding, either. Come to think of it, if my passion was lampshades and napkins, so be it, as long as I don't stop developing myself, whatever the passion.

    I read from the Happiness thread things are going pretty smoothly in your new job, @Andrae Smith, so hopefully this sense of something missing will begin to fade. :)
     
    Andrae Smith likes this.
  22. Andrae Smith

    Andrae Smith Bestselling Author|Editor|Writing Coach Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    2,640
    Likes Received:
    1,668
    Location:
    Washington State, U.S.A.
    21, eh... I guess that gives me 1 more year, which means I need to fins someone worth marrying like... um... tomorrow? On to the dating sites then. :rolleyes: Ha ha, I'm kiding. As you can see I'm in a lighthearted mood. :crazy:

    That's a really interesting and Hallmark-esque quote. I like it. And I can only ever advise people to follow their passions, even if they seem boring to me. If lampshades, brunches, and napakins were your thing, I'd say go for it. As for me, I'm just not interested in settling down yet (sounds cliche, but it's true). Even if I meet someone, I'm not ready to drop my ambition and adventurer's soul just yet. I'll need someone reckless and restless. >_< (but... um... ma would hate to hear me say that ha ha!)

    Oh dear, what have I been smokin tonight? (nothing it's just that time) Yes! work has been going well. 5 days in my post and I've got compliments and talk of future promotions. :whistle: Must be on the way in time. This void feeling does seem to be fading quickly as life goes on. I feel energized and even a little inspired. Talking it out here and reading some great responses has worked wonders. :friend:
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2014
    T.Trian, minstrel and KaTrian like this.
  23. KaTrian

    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2013
    Messages:
    6,764
    Likes Received:
    5,393
    Location:
    Funland
    That's why I married T. :D

    That's great :agreed:. It sure helps to gain new perspectives and ideas. Surprisingly many people, maybe everyone at some point, has gone through the same or is going through it, so talking (or writing) about it was definitely a good idea. :)
     
    Andrae Smith likes this.
  24. T.Trian

    T.Trian Overly Pompous Bastard Supporter Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2013
    Messages:
    2,253
    Likes Received:
    1,470
    Location:
    Mushroom Land
    Exactly; marry an exciting person, have fun for life. One thing a lot of (even married) people don't understand is that marriage doesn't have to be boring, the end of adventure, excitement, and being dumb and irresponsible. I'd be lucky if I could count all the crazy, dumb shit you and I've done together on the fingers of ten hands. :D Come to think of it, most of it we've done in the name of writing. Granted, most (but not all) of that's been accidental stuff that's happened 'cause of our rather accident-prone hobbies, but writing always gives a silver lining to injuries, accidents, etc: got knocked unconscious while boxing? Awesome! Now we know how to describe that in our story. Got your arm slashed open, sped to the hospital, and stitched up? Fantastic! Now we know how to describe that in our WIP. Got your car rammed by a jeep while driving? Massive! Now we know how to liven up the description of that car crash scene.

    Not all of it has to be bad, though: galloping a horse through a forest, parkouring your way up to a bride, knocking or choking out the other guy at the gym, jumping into ice water etc. are all a load of fun, help our writing, and, to top it all, gives us that mad rush of adrenaline that keeps things exciting. In just a few days it's time to run 'n gun at a local IPSC competition with a qualifier stage, no less etc. Whoever said the fun ends with marriage? I just hope we'll still be alive to be old enough to enjoy rocking chair races, knitting, smoking a pipe, and hitting people in the knees with our canes. Wonder how banged up we'll be by then since even now just the number of our scars is in the double digits. Oh well, who cares? Scars are cool. :twisted:

    Oh, and @Andrae Smith, glad to hear things are going well now. When facing difficult situations, it is best to dash forward bravely and with joy. :cool:
     
    KaTrian and Andrae Smith like this.
  25. Andrae Smith

    Andrae Smith Bestselling Author|Editor|Writing Coach Contributor

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2012
    Messages:
    2,640
    Likes Received:
    1,668
    Location:
    Washington State, U.S.A.
    @KaTrian, @T.Trian, thank you both for your encouragement and insight. It seems like you two have a wonderful marriage, and I hope it continues to be adventurous, surprising, and filled with abundance. I've taken what you said to heart. If anything, I think I have a little less "fear" of the random, unpredictable impulses to just do some things. Hopefully, that leads me in the right direction. Bring on the battle scars!

    ...erm... what? :wtf: perhaps a little caution and discernment is advised. ;)
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2014
    KaTrian, T.Trian and minstrel like this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice