1. Cessan
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    Cessan New Member

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    Story Help

    Discussion in 'Plot Development' started by Cessan, Feb 13, 2008.

    Hello again. My apologies to all I did a poor job of asking a question last time. My question is that I have a story idea, but I am not sure if it seems interesting or unique. The idea is that an attack was made on Earth causing some people to gain powers, some died, and some lived but remained the same. Any response would be nice. I just want to know if it seems like an interesting idea. I have already started writing but I am willing to listen to your opinions. If you are interested in viewing what I have written I will be more than happy to send it to you.
     
  2. lessa
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    lessa Contributing Member

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    Location:
    Fantasy land
    Beyond World's End
    by Mercedes Lackey and Rosemary Edghill

    In this book elves and humans are involved.
    a drug company found a way to enhance phsycic abilities and the bad elves try and take over new york to get the energy from the enhanced people.

    Haven't heard of an outerspace type story though.
    If you want to read what she wrote it is on Baen free library site.
    hope this helps.
     
  3. Klee
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    Klee Contributing Member

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    Mexico, you got a problem with that?
    Why don't you just post it so we can give your a real review? An idea can be very attractive, but it can be ruined by poor writing.
     
  4. Sapphire
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    Sapphire Senior Member

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    To me that seems a little bit of a twist off of Heroes. =\
     
  5. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    it's way too broad an 'idea' to tell if it's a good one or not... and ideas can't be sold, only completed works can... even the best idea can result in a story or book that no one would pay to read, if the writer hasn't the talent and skill to write a marketable piece of work... conversely, the worst idea can produce a best-seller, in the hands of a master...
     
  6. Iulia
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    Iulia New Member

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    It might be cool to follow a character who did not gain powers. Everyone would expect you to do the contrary. :rolleyes:
     
  7. Cessan
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    Cessan New Member

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    Thank You for the input. Here is what I have so far if you want to take a look at it.

    Heavy drizzle fell from the sky. The rain drops struck the ground like darts to a dartboard. The clouds churned like boiling water revealing something ominous down below. The sky turned from a calm and peaceful blue to a agitated and aggravated black. Through the hail of rain bolts of thunder rained down occasionally. The silhouette of a crumbled city hall illuminates after each bolt. Looking around the town appears abandoned, broken pipes seeping steam and rumble covering the ground. Dust rises as the sound of the Earth’s core is shaken with tremendous force. A loud thud follows. As the dust clears it is clear there is a survivor. A kid in his adolescence with blood dripping from his forehead and cuts over his body stays on his hands and knees as he gasps painfully for each breath. The rasping from his mouth sounds like that of an old man as one of his hands clutches his side. His hair stands on end not from the electricity released into the air, but from the style of his hair. One set of hair hangs across his face while the rest are forced back into spikes. He looks up to see the dust swirl and part in front of something. The heavy thud of foot steps resonate in this head. His vision blurs from the loss of blood, but not before he hears, “What’s wrong little bro? Yeah it’s me Deirke, don’t act suprised” An older looking adolescent wearing a large tan jacket comes forth tightening his gloves as he advances. The same hair as the other kid can be recognized on this new entity. Deirke blacks out and his life flashes before his eyes.
    Two little kids are running through a field tossing a football. “Heads up lil bro!” The older one shouts as he tosses the ball. “I got it! I got it!” replies Deirke. “Umph!”
    “What’s wrong lil bro? You ok?” asks Deirke’s brother. Clutching his leg Deirke shows a large gash with dirt and leaves surrounding it.
    “It hurts big brother,” says Deirke trying to act tough.
    “Stop trying to act tough lil bro, if you want others to like you…then you have to be yourself,” replies his brother with a stern yet caring voice. “Luckily mom reminded us to bring the first aid with us. Here I got a band-aid I think,” as he rummages through his pocket. “Ah here it is,” he said as he clutched a band-aid covered with rockets.
    “Thanks big bro,” said Deirke.
    “Don’t thank me just yet now hold still,” said his older brother. As he struggled to put the band-aid on Deirke’s squirming leg. “There finally!” He ruffles Deirke’s hair as and sets his hand on Deirke’s shoulder, “Lets go mom probably finished cooking.”
    Suddenly the image fades as Deirke regains consciousness. “Aw come on lil bro, aren’t ya glad to see me?” replies his brother with a grin.
    Still panting Deirke replies through gritted teeth, “Why… Why are you doing this… Sean…”
    Sean replies only with an evil cackle. “My friends seem to think you are a problem, a… lets say thorn in their side. But it is a shame I have to kill ya lil bro.” Sean advances further and picks up Deirke with a large gloved fist, “But its okay because mom and dad favored me over you anyway,” still grinning, “then again they are dead.”
    “NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Deirke yelled.
    Deirke sat up straight in his bed sweat dropping from his brow and down his back. He quickly looked out his window and saw his hometown of Redtol still in tact. Deirke reclines back up against his pillows letting himself cool off in the morning breeze and thinks to himself Was that all just a dream? A nightmare? It felt so real? I know it can’t be though my family died in that explosion almost 5 years ago. No one survived but me…But I saw it me fighting my brother but why… Why him? What does it all mean? Is Sean going to betray me from the grave? I hope this isn’t the future, I don’t know what I would do if it was. I don’t think it is possible for anyone to survive that explosion… Unless they got powers instead.
    His thoughts continue to dwell on his dream as he gets dressed and ready for school. As he gels his hair for school there is a knock on his door.
    “Yo Deirke! Ya ready yet? We are gonna be late man!” said the voice.
    Deirke smiled and thought That Issac always in a rush to somewhere befriended me. “Coming Issac hold on just a bit!” he yelled back. Deirke quickly ran out the door with his backpack. There waiting at the door was an adolescent the same age as Deirke with black matted spikes.
    “You gonna ride with me on my snowboard or are you gonna run?” asked Issac smugly already outside strapping himself down on his snowboard and already creating ice with his powers from the blast from 5 years ago.
    Running his hand through his hair Deirke gave grin that oh so resembled how his brother’s used to,” Course I am gonna run I needa stay in shape after all”
    Issac with his hands behind his head laughed, “Deirke both you and I know our group is the only group that works out before during and after school.”
    Looking up at the sky Deirke replied, “I know but I can’t but think that something big will happen soon.”
    Issac looking a bit confused merely shrugged at the comment and started driting away on his ice path. Deirke grinned and started speeding off after Issac.

    Somewhere Else
    Why does everyone hate me? Why? It hurts so much… No one else cares about me… no one… Why should I suffer alone? WHY?!? I don’t want to suffer anymore… I feel so much pain…I suffer soo much… It annoys me how only I suffer… Does this world despise me so much? I love pain and I love to give pain to others that is why I am to suffer or is it the other way around? A tall gaunt boy in what looks to be a detective robe smeared with blood looks down from the world below like a gargoyle. A blood curling scream is let out from somewhere in the city. The boy smiles with glee that almost seems like he likes hearing others suffer. A tall skeletal shadowy figure appeared behind the boy.
    “Master Cessan, I did as you told me and hunted down that man that upset you,” said the figure.
    “Excellent job Skul very nice in killing the governor, now rally the others and finish off this pitiful city,” replied Cessan with a maniacal grin.
    Without a blink Skul jumped away. Cessan looked up at the sky as if longing to be freed from the pain he has been through. Sucking in his breath Cessan yells, “CITIZENS OF PEFENCE! For my whole life you have tortured me, ignored me, hated me while I sat helpless in the shadows of pain and darkness! NOW tell me HOW YOU LIKE IT?!?” Cessan curls over himself cackling maniacally, “Hahahahaha I hope you like death because you are about to come face to face with it!!”

    “Deeeeeeeeeeeeeirke…Deirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrke… Yo Deirke you awake?” asked Issac, who was sitting right next to him.
    “Huh wha? Oh yeah I’m still here…” said Deirke staring off somewhere in the class room. His dark brown pupils shifted from the people sitting in the front row. They stopped upon a girl with a ponytail of brown hair.
    “Psst Deirke stop staring at Lillian ya perv hahaha,” said Issac jokingly.
    Swatting at Issac Deirke replied, ”Bah shush.”
    BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!!!!!!
    “Well class is out let’s leave,” said Issac as he jumped out of his seat.
    Walking across the courtyard was another teenage around the same age as Deirke. The sunlight reflected off his goggles, which were set on his forehead. His spiky blonde hair sticking facing toward the back of his head, and at the base of his hairline was a tiny ponytail. “Yo Vincint! Wassup?” asked Issac with his always-enthusiastic attitude.
    “Some stupid Nors decided to pick on me at the shooting range again,” he said impassively.
    Issac and Vincint walked together toward a large tree with Deirke lying peacefully under it. “Hey Vincint,” said Deirke staring up at the clouds. Plopping himself down Vincint merely nodded.
    “Ya know Vincint just because we are separated us Mors and the regular people as Nors doesn’t mean things won’t change,” said Issac creating a patch of snow to play with.
    “No Issac it doesn’t, it means we will be treated continuously with disrespect and always hunted down if we do something wrong, by the guards,” said Vincint sternly.
    Deirke with a sigh said, “Sorry Issac, but I have to agree with Vincint people won’t ever see us for who we really are…”
    Issac stopped playing with the snow, “Whoa whoa wait what about Lillian?” he said giving Deirke a nudge in the ribs.
    “She…she probably doesn’t even know I exist…” said Deirke sitting on his elbows.
    Issac jumps to his feet, “What is with you two? Don’t you guys believe things will turn out better? Come on let’s ask Lillian what she thinks of you Deirke.”
    Almost instantly Deirke’s dark brown eyes blazed with passion, “She doesn’t care! I get you are trying to help Issac, but it won’t do any good! It will be as useful as a rhino in a parking lot.”
    Vincint put a hand on Deirke’s shoulder, “Relax Deirke. Issac is just being Issac. And you are being you. We can’t change this stuff. But acting on things you don’t know anything about is just foolish.”
    Sighing Deirke gets up, “You guys are right. Let’s check out what is going on at the track.”
    The three walk toward the track stadium. Under the tree there was a patch of burnt grass, which Deirke had just sat.

    Another adolescent of the same age as Deirke kneeled to tie his shoe. He seemed extremely calm on the track. The other races around him appeared agitated and were shifting away from him. He stood up to stretch his arms revealing his dark brown hair, which was a spiky sphere around his head.
     
  8. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    you've a muddled mix of tenses throughout this, that is confusing to the max... to have it make any sense, you'll need to stick to either present or past, instead of switching back and forth between them... imo, you'd be wise to go with the more reader-friendly past, as it's easier to do well and preferred by most agents and publishers...

    hugs, maia
     
  9. Cessan
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    Cessan New Member

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    I am not sure I will publish this heh. It is more like a hobby thing that I work on when I am not busy, but I will fix up the tenses. But aside from the grammar, is what I have written interesting enough for me to go forward?
     
  10. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    since your work is violence-based, i can't help you with any input on the content... but i wouldn't have read it anyway, unless/until you formatted it to be reader-friendly, with line breaks where all the paragraph and dialog indents would go in a ms...
     

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